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My Bareminerals makeup demands a "Swirl, Tap, Buff®" application. There's even a *DVD demo*. With great powder comes great responsibility. |
Thai place receipt says my server was "Hon." Not sure if that's her real name, or if she's just trying to make patronizing dads feel better. |
Deep throat a candy cane, ladies! It's Christmas on iStock! |
My boss, @douls, rocks 3-day bedhead like a hipster goddess. I skip 1 shower = used-car salesman. Is it cuz I don't live in Brooklyn, hair?! |
How I Judge Your Fingerless Gloves. On Ladies: "Cute hint of vintage Madonna cheek!" On Men: "I hope you're going to an 'Oliver!' audition." |
Cabbie from JFK peed in a cup while driving me, dumping piss out the door @ lights. Then demanded a bigger tip. NYC: "Welcome home, Briana!" |
@killig & I just got back from a biz trip @ Langham Huntington Hotel & Spa in CA. It's so nice, I'd clean up before letting housekeeping in. |
The new First Lady can't say it again, so I will: “For the first time in my adult life, I am proud of my country." |
Forced to edit an article to a stringent word count, I turn into that toilet paper lady from Seinfeld. Dude, I DON'T HAVE A SQUARE TO SPARE. |
@apelad I totally saw your (|:|/) 's ∑:*) last night. I ////Ö\\\\ taking off her clothes. |
@jimray Just don't hash it/and leave it/or I'll compute quick and retrieve it |
@jimray When it comes to passwords/info ain't got nuttin to do with my selection/36-24-36?/Only if it's not my student ID |
Sorry, NJ. Your rep for having the bat-shit craziest drivers in the US was solidified by the fact that I could bond with a *cabbie* over it. |
The "no free lunch" thing holds up, but today I learned that free breakfasts can be had when all the cash registers in the office caf crash. |
@jkottke See also: http://tinyurl.com/6ymuf3 and 36C also: http://tinyurl.com/5p5qfy |
@franktheguy That won't be hard. If there's 1 thing Daniel Plainview & I have in common, it's that we've both got HUUUUGE...tracts of land. |
(Throw in a push-up bra, undo a few shirt buttons, and it's all "I drink YOUR milkshake, but MY milkshake brings all the boys to the yard.") |
Sure, lots of people might end up being Daniel Plainview for Halloween, but I'm gonna be SEXY Daniel Plainview, which is totally different. |
I mean, what kinda blowhard would subject folks to their opioid-fueled soapbox rants? *Coughrushlimbaughcough* Man, this cough syrup's weak! |
