(”So to anyone who’s ever had a dream: Tonight, YOU are Toruk Makto! *cat hiss*”)

Where and When
In case you’ve been living under a rock or you’re a heterosexual male, the telecast of the 82nd Academy Awards begins at 5:30 pm Pacific/8:30 Eastern this Sunday on ABC.  Your hosts are Alec Baldwin and Steve Martin, who are best known for their roles in It’s Complicated.  I’ll probably be live-Tweefing from here.

Drinking Game
Don’t care about the Oscars?  Turn it into drinking game.  Remember, kids, drinking makes everything better.  So here goes:

• Every time someone mentions Haiti, Chile, or earthquakes; take a drink.
• Every time someone references the Na’avi, Pandora, blue people, Avatar, James Cameron, or 3D; take a drink.
• Every time you see someone wearing a colored ribbon on their lapel; drink.
• Every time you stifle a fat joke about Gabourey Sidibe; drink.
• Reading glasses?  Someone pretends to go off teleprompter?  Drink.
• Music starts to play before someone finishes their speech?  Drink.
• Fat guy with a beard on stage?  Drink.
• “I’m honored just to be mentioned with the other nominees.”  Drink.
• Someone makes a Meryl Streep joke; drink.
• Random cut to George Clooney in the audience?  Finish your beer.
• Winner cries during acceptance speech?  Finish your beer.
• Meryl Streeps takes a dump on the stage? Take three speedballs and queef on a turtle.

The Categories

Read the rest of this entry »

Despite the fact that he’s best known for being on Entourage, I never disliked Jeremy Piven.  I enjoyed his bit part in Grosse Pointe Blank, and even on Entourage, he’s probably the only even vaguely interesting character .  But now we’re free to hate away, because apparently he’s a huge prick.  From a recent (always awesome) Adam Carolla podcast (this part’s about 59 minutes in):

ADAM CAROLLA: There’s so many douchebags in this town.  Can’t we just start calling the douchebags the douchebags?

GUEST DAVE DAMESHAK: Why don’t you?  Start naming names right n–

ADAM: Jeremy Piven.  Every time I say to somebody — photographers, people who set up stereo equipment, hair and makeup people –  “Who’s the biggest douchebag you ever worked with?”  Jeremy Piven.  It just comes flying out of their mouth.  Universally.

DAVE:  It’s amazing! I used to sling drinks in a bar in Evanston where his parents had a theater, and this was like 10 years before anybody new who he was when he was doing bit parts in John Cusack movies, and everybody would go out of their way to say what a terrible person he was.  I’ve never heard anybody say “Oh he’s a nice guy.”

So there you have it, folks, we’re now free to hate Jeremy Piven.  But because I don’t want this site to be all negativity and the cooling spring of hate that washes over my gills keeping me alive, it should also be noted that there’s a similar universal agreement on the best guy in Hollywood.  That’s right, Bruce Greenwood.   I heard Bruce Greenwood was once filming a movie in St. Louis, and he could tell something was bothering the makeup girl.  When he asked her what was wrong, she told him about her daughter’s degenerative heart condition.  Bruce Greenwood was so moved, he shed a tear right there in the empty lot.  Wouldn’t you know it, the next morning a beautiful rose bush, her daughter’s favorite flower, bloomed in that very spot, even though it was the dead of winter.  True story, ask anyone.

We’ve already heard about Clash of the Titans and Harry Potter, you can now add Warner Bros’ Green Lantern and Zack Snyder’s Sucker Punch to the list of movies hurriedly converted to 3D.  Said studio execs, “Could you also make the Green Lantern a giant blue kitty?  Audiences really seem to respond to that.”  Meanwhile, /Film hears from Ridley Scott’s art director that his Alien prequel will also shoot in 3D.

And why not?  The only person who loves 3D more than Hollywood execs is your mom’s orifices.  3D may not make sense in every case, or even most cases, but it allows them to charge you five bucks more for a ticket, and that’s all they care about.  Money money money.  I’m not even exaggerating; Harvey Weinstein would cut a kitten’s belly open if he thought there was a nickel in it.  True story, I’ve seen him do it.  Afterwards, they fed it to George Lucas.

(”SEE GIRLS? THEY DON’T GIVE A DAMN ABOUT THEIR BAD REPUTATION.”)

After the jump I’ve got the newest trailer for The Runaways, starring 16-year-old Dakota Fanning and 19-year-old Kristen Stewart as the leaders of the seminal girl-rock group.  It follows Cherie Currie and Joan Jett as they eschew small-town conformity in favor of being hard-ass bitches.  Critics are already calling it Whip It without roller skates.  It’s also chock full of sexiness, like Dakota Fanning seductively sucking her straw, KStew telling her “this ain’t baby shampoo”, and shooting a squirt gun down her throat.  It’s like they’re trying really hard to convince us Dakota Fanning swallows.

And then at the end, a wet, ripe cherry explodes everywhere.  Stephenie Meyers wept.

Read the rest of this entry »

Bro. Dude. Bro. I got the best idea. *takes huge bong load* We should spend $100 million. On a movie about *blows out smoke* CGI owls that fight. *cough, cough*

So this is the trailer for Legend of the Guardians, Zack Snyder’s $100 million CGI animated adaptation of Kathryn Lansky’s The Guardians of Ga’Hoole books, featuring the voices of all your favorite Australians. And yes, it’s about Owls that fight.  And here I thought all owls were four-eyed poindexters who sat around pondering the finer points of tootsie pops. Said the voice of Hugo Weaving, “Not us, mate.  Weah focken’ baaahn owls.  It’s the dingos that hoide theah babies from us, the cunts.”   Anyway, movie opens in September and it’s the latest addition to Zack Snyder’s thesis: “Slow Motion Makes Anything Look Cool.  Literally Anything.”