“And the audience is supposed to believe a pro soccer player would settle down with one woman.”

Opening Everywhere: Playing for Keeps, Hyde Park on Hudson

Maybe Opening Somewhere: Deadfall

FilmDrunk Suggests: Of the eight films opening this weekend – and I say opening as in they’re available this weekend, because some of these will never see the dark of a theater – one has a positive Rotten Tomatoes score. That film is The Fitzgerald Family Christmas, which was written and directed by my cousin Edward Burns, and I have never heard of that, nor do I expect to see that posted outside my movie theater. So as I spend even more of my precious hours watching the f*cking worst films I’ve ever seen for your entertainment, I need you all to will Cincinnati Bengals receiver AJ Green to good health. Positive energy, folks. That’s what will win me money. Thanks.

Read the rest of this entry »

A High-Speed Tricycle Chase and a $300K Pirate Ship: Katt Williams’ Crazy Week

Not many people are covering the insane meltdown that Katt Williams has been having for the past few weeks, I suspect because there’s just too much to cover. I almost broke my browser trying to keep track of it all. But by God, any story that involves a guy attempting to pay cash for a state ferry and going on a high-speed tricycle chase is a story that deserves to be told. I’m going to go in chronological order here, so bear with me, because a lot of the best stuff is at the end.

• In October, Williams pulled a gun on Faizon Love (yes, the fat guy from Blue Crush), supposedly after an argument over $50 grand that Williams owes, which ended with Williams getting arrested.

• Separate from that incident, Williams was arrested for battery outside a nightclub in Oakland. An altercation that apparently began when Williams assaulted 18-year-old “aspiring rapper” Delvahn Mosley-Davis on board Williams’ tour bus.

• Williams was in town for his shows at the Coliseum formerly known as the Oakland Coliseum, and two days after the battery arrest, Williams abruptly left the stage ten minutes into a show. He later got sued by multiple angry fans. MONEY QUOTE: “The suit filed by 35-year-old Brian Herline, of Modesto, says he and hundreds of fans were disappointed when Williams took off his clothes and challenged people to fight.”

• Following that incident, Katt Williams showed up in Sacramento, where he was driving some sort of three-wheeled motorcycle called a Can Am on sidewalks and almost hitting people. Cops were called, Katt Williams told them he wasn’t going to stop, before leading them on a brief, high-speed tricycle chase (seriously), with Williams running several red lights until cops eventually gave up to avoid endangering the general public.

• Did I mention he slapped a kid at Target and it was captured on video?

Read the rest of this entry »

When Miley Cyrus’s So Undercover was first reported, it was called “I’m, Like, Sooo Undercover,” a script by Allan Loeb, who’s either a brilliant supervillain who uses his understanding of Hollywood execs’ weaknesses to manipulate the system for his own financial gain, or some kind of idiot savant who just happens to have his greasy sausage fingers on the pulse of the studio script-buyer zeitgeist. Loeb traffics exclusively in films that sound like serious parodies, such as Here Comes the Boom, Adam Sandler’s Just Go With It, The Dilemma, and that one where Jason Batemen switches Jennifer Aniston’s semen. He writes three of these a year, and probably spends a bout a half hour on each. Like I said, possibly a genius. There are a few things you should know about his latest before you watch the trailer below.

• Miley Cyrus plays a hard-nosed private investigator. That’s right, MILEY CYRUS. A private dick.

• FBI agent Jeremy Piven needs her to go undercover at a sorority house. Just like Harland Williams and Martin Lawrence in a fat suit before her. It’s the plot of almost every teen movie.

• Is there a scene where a flamboyant gay man cringes at having to turn a no-nonsense Sandra Bullock type into Miss Congeniality? YOU BET YOUR TIRED STEREOTYPES THERE IS!

Wasn’t a bumpkin getting made up to look purdy the entire plot of Hannah Montana? It’s like this chick’s entire career is based on people wanting to give her a haircut.

Read the rest of this entry »

Not many people realize that 71-year old grizzled whisky hound Nick Nolte actually got his start in Hollywood after he starred in a Clairol commercial with Sigourney Weaver. Now you have something that you can impress your friends with when you all meet for Bud heavies after you punch out at the steel mill. Nolte was also originally a promising football player, but thanks to his success as a hunky model, casting directors quickly took notice and he first showed up in Walt Disney’s Wonderful World of Color, whatever that was.

Nolte soon carved his niche as ultimate rough-around-the-edges leading male, culminating in People Magazine naming him the “Sexiest Man Alive” in 1992. Nick Nolte was Channing Tatum before Channing Tatum was even strapping on his first pair of fly kicks.

Unfortunately, most people only know Nolte for his unfortunate 2002 drunk driving mugshot, and not this much more handsome mugshot. But I’m extremely happy to tell you all today – especially the ladies – that hunky Nolte is back and he is better than ever.

Read the rest of this entry »

It has been rumored for quite some time that a Beetlejuice sequel is on the way, as Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter author Seth Grahame-Smith had buddied up with Tim Burton and wrote a screenplay for the Michael Keaton classic. Whether or not that will happen – and given Burton’s and Keaton’s recent track records, it probably needs to happen – is up in the air, but there’s one man in New York City who would presumably be the happiest man on the planet the day that Beetlejuice 2 opens in theaters.

Bruce Christensen is a 48-year old jack-of-all-trades, having worked in the music industry and as a stand-up comic, but his greatest feat in life and claim to fame is that he owns and operates the world’s only Beetlejuice museum. And yes, it’s in his home. Between this guy and the old bro who built a gigantic replica of Giants Stadium in his garage, I’m starting to think that New Yorkers might be a little eccentric.

According to Oddity Central, Christensen’s museum is approximately 400 sq. ft. and contains more than 80 items related to the film. Just 80 items? If that’s all it takes to open a museum, then I currently operate the world’s only Kate Upton hair doll museum. So what’s in this guy’s apartment, I mean museum, anyway?

Read the rest of this entry »

Back in August, swarthy Italian artist Vince brought us the amazing news that a Ryan Gosling coloring book exists, and I simply assume that every lady Drunkard and male Drunkard that stalks them went out and purchased every last one of these things. And when you were done filling all of the pages in – “Hey girl, here’s some balm to apply to your burnt sienna” – the reality set in that you were all out of Baby Goose to color, and there was now a lovable, gentle void in your lives once again.

Well, great f*cking news, friends – there’s a Jon Hamm coloring book now, too.

An Etsy dealer by the name of “teamart” has a nice little shop named “Teamart Delights”, and among the items that he or she offers are seven coloring book for subjects like Parks and Rec, Nineties Pop Divas, Hunky Dudes, Voldemort, Dogs and Canadian Wildlife, which unfortunately is not actually just another coloring book about Gosling. And then there’s the Jon Hamm coloring book that you can own for just $11.38.

Keep in mind, that’s the most expensive price for any of teamart’s coloring books, but I like to think it’s because Hamm is always offering the ladies a little extra.

Read the rest of this entry »