03/04/2010Checking in on the president's checkup President Obama had his first physical in office, and for some reason his medical report was released to the public. For the record, I don't believe that just because a dude is our president that we have the right to know whether he has a third nipple or parasitic twin. That should only be known by his God, his doctor and whomever he shows at parties.02/25/2010Let me apologize in advance ... Seeing Tiger Woods up there behind the podium, sweating and delivering what sounded like a fourth-grade book report, made me realize that forgiveness is a powerful weapon. Since I have done so many seedy things in my life, I want to get out in front of any scandal by offering my pre-written mea culpa right now:02/18/2010A child's dream and an adult's nightmare My street looks like one of those Katrina things hit it. Branches everywhere. Car windows smashed by fallen limbs. Me looting. And now that the warmth has taken the last of the snow, I'm a little sad.02/11/2010Love letters totally set the mood Iwill be alone again this Valentine's Day, the victim of a woman who likes to press charges and the man who calls her his wife. Don't want to get into it. Not before being sworn in.02/04/2010How to throw a Super Bowl party This is the weekend we celebrate America by getting drunk and watching commercials. Yes, Virginia, it's Super Bowl time.01/28/2010Let's talk breeding (Dogs, this time.) This week, I heard a guy on the radio talking about buying a thousand-dollar "designer dog." I had to pull over and softly cry into a fast-food napkin. I swear, our country is now so successful that we make up stuff to spend our money on. Since when did dogs cost a thousand bucks? They used to be "free to a good home," or cost about $15 out of the back of a station wagon at a truck stop. 01/27/2010Tips for beating Cowboys depression And now, Dallas Cowboys depression sets in. I don't know about you, but since the game on Sunday, I have been walking around in a pink bathrobe, missing work and sharing food with my cat.01/26/2010Surviving the flight of the damned I get it. Traveling on a plane with children is tough work. Parents must platoon to keep the children quietly entertained.A New Year's Eve to forget There are three things you cannot trust me with: a bag of meth, an underage ferret and a live TV microphone. The first two are obvious (I love feeding underage ferrets meth). The third? It's on YouTube.Pondering the year ahead [Editor's note: We return to one of Gordon's classic columns this week. Think of it as "Gordo's Gold." Or a rerun. Either one.]12/29/2009I keep my resolutions easy to reach Time to start getting serious about your New Year's resolutions. I know you are thinking that you are a miserable fat loser and there's really no hope of trying to change yourself for the better. Very true, but why not make a half-hearted effort just to say you did? (I have a motivational-speaker background.)
