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It's official: my fanny pack now offers a better rate of return than a 3-month Treasury bill. Line starts in the back, people. 2:43 PM Dec 9th from twitterrific |
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What does it mean if your new favorite band is 70's Irish 'hengeprog rockers Fruupp? I can't find anything on WebMD about it. 10:54 PM Dec 8th from web |
Seriously, we're all going to Hell for baby carrots, right? 6:06 PM Dec 8th from web |
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In the coming Twitter Gang Wars, I'll side with the Poop Jokers. We'll dress like the Baseball Furies, except without pants. 11:07 PM Dec 7th from twitterrific |
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You know you're an adult when "guilty" pleasures become "Fuck off, I know what I like" pleasures. 12:00 PM Dec 7th from web |
My son wrote a TV pilot called "Poo-poo on the cat. Let's make a sandwich!" It's better than "Studio 60." 10:52 AM Dec 7th from web |
There just aren't enough hours in the day to work, play with my kids, pursue a hobby, volunteer at the food bank, and masturbate 11 times. 7:09 PM Dec 6th from twitterrific |
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You are beautiful. No matter what they say. Like, that you're fat, or that your nose runs when you laugh. Or that you smell like twine, or 3:24 PM Dec 5th from twitterrific |
Every motivational poster ends with the invisible tagline, "Now shut the fuck up and go back to your cubicle." 7:40 AM Dec 5th from Tweetsville |
On mornings when I don't feel motivated, I remind myself that every journey begins with a single step. Before I know it, I'm at my cubicle! 12:09 AM Dec 5th from web |
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First prize is a $15 billion bailout loan. Second prize is a set of steak knives. Third prize is you're bankrupt. 2:11 PM Dec 4th from twitterrific |