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I fear that Twitter may be causing us to stockpile our rich natural resource of clever retorts. Get out and use them, people! |
I have failed to demonstrate basic competence in the kitchen. Laura just expressed amazement that I was able to make Jell-O all by myself. |
Well, the process server was nice enough to help Laura carry in the groceries, so there's that. |
This Hallmark store's selection of "Congratulations on Entering the U.S. Coast Guard" cards in Braille is shockingly poor. |
Yes, Whole Foods. Tell me I'm eating "Creme Brulee French Toast." If you can pretend I'm not eating half a pound of bread pudding, so can I. |
Today's oxymoron is "Great seats for Celine Dion". |
Wow -- gas for $1.99 in California! I want to take this gas station and frame it. |
I've received a lot of feedback on my last tweet, and I wanted to apologize... for leaving the Federal Reserve off my list of pigfuckers. |
Dear President-Elect Obama: Okay, I don't care about that Hope and Change stuff, as long as you get rid of those pigfuckers at Treasury. |
Memo to America: Just request a new, clean ballot, people. Cripes: http://tinyurl.com/6jvtou |
Through this device I hold in my hand, I can see all the world's knowledge collected in one place... and, hopefully, found here on twitter. |
So Ted Stevens is all clear to attend jail, now that he is no longer required in the Senate. Thanks for clearing his calendar, Alaskans! |
Dear Co-worker: When I use the phrase "buddy boy" in email, I of course mean "my esteemed colleague of many years". Sorry for any confusion. |
@hoosiergirl Wait, they're drug testing preschoolers now? Man, I know schools are competitive, but performance-enhancement in kindergarten? |
Handy tip for out-of-towners: When someone in Los Angeles tells you they're in show business, ask them if it's porn. Y'know... to clarify. |
I hate to say it, but when the wildfires in Los Angeles kick up, the whole place smells like the most delicious outdoor smokehouse BBQ ever. |
@vmarinelli Joe the Plumber is using his tax cut to build a PLUMBING EMPIRE and when he achieves WORLD DOMINATION you will ALL BE SORRY! |
@siracusa You mean an *openly* gay president. Let's remember we had Presidents that used cigarette holders. One was even an *actor*. |
California, of course, is a disappointment. We had a chance to wrest the "Gayest State Ever" title from Massachusetts and we blew it. |
I have never been prouder of my country than I am right now.
Well, okay, the invention of the Baconator was a close second. |
