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My husband signed me up to sing carols w/ only 3 people, at dark, for $, outside in the cold. Guess where I'm going to stuff his stocking. |
Caught 5 minutes of Tori Spelling on HSN. Much of her stuff looked like animals, from bees to zebras. By no accident, she avoided the horse. |
Hello, Onstar? There's a young child being dangled from a speeding car window. He won't stop screaming so I'm about to drop him. |
E! asked Clay Aiken, Ryan Seacrest and Lance Bass their favorite Christmas carols and all I could think of was "We Three Queens." |
@phyllisstein After all, no gift keeps on giving like a case of the clap. |
Planned Parenthood is selling gift certificates for Christmas. Because nothing says "I love you" like "Honey, get those warts checked out." |
Almost got smashed by my falling Christmas tree. Forget gay, I'm calling in Jewish. No one ever got taken out by a falling dreidel. |
If I slip my mom her dog's prozac, will it still work? If it makes her nicer, I'm willing to risk that she might lift her leg to pee. |
Kid at preschool said his brother said the "B" word. I asked which "B" word & the kid whispered in my ear, "Bagina." |
I think the bird of love is the dove. My husband thinks it's the swallow. |
Just yelled, "Mommy's tampons are not Nerf darts. Period."
Five year olds have no appreciation for the double entendre. |
My son's crossed another line at Christian preschool. He keeps singing about Santa in the manger & thinks the 3 Wise Men were Power Rangers. |
You know that iPhone app where your friends can track your whereabouts? Just the idea makes me feel so trapped I'm gnawing at my own leg. |
Regretting the questionable Asian buffet. Between the "sushi" & ensuing bathroom visits, I fear I picked up krab & crabs at the same time. |
Sometimes where there's smoke, there's fire. And sometimes there's just two stoned hippies at the Christmas tree farm. |
My son got a balloon art kit. After 2 hours, my swords still look like penises. The directions say it's easy, but that's clearly a phallusy. |
My son told his doctor that I beat him sometimes. When we were alone, I asked why he lied & he said, "What? I don't always win Candyland." |
I'm not sure, but I think I'm feeling ambivalent today. |
Is that Palin in that helicopter? #6wordepitaph |
I bought holiday stamps & the choices were Nutcracker or Virgin which was odd because the mail lady's vibe leaned toward ballbreaking whore. |
