Twitter.com

Profile_bird

Hey there! matthewbaldwin is using Twitter.

Twitter is a free service that lets you keep in touch with people through the exchange of quick, frequent answers to one simple question: What are you doing? Join today to start receiving matthewbaldwin's updates.

Already using Twitter
from your phone? Click here.

matthewbaldwin

Rough IQ estimation: start with 120 and subtract 20 for every time you press the elevator button after its already lit.
Street corner "Mattress Warehouse" sign wavers are the most efficient means of converting methamphetamine into advertising.
Can you really call it alcohol "abuse" when the alcohol WANTS me to consume it?
@loresjoberg A teacher is tried after telling his pupils that they are descended from hobos in the 1960 film "Inherit the Wino".
In a surprise twist, the eating of two McDonalds double cheeseburgers last night at 11:43 turned out to be a profoundly non-great idea.
In these status reports to my boss, am I supposed to just mention the names of the online flash games or provide the whole URL?
Great news: I've lost some weight! I know because at some point today MY WEDDING RING SLIPPED OFF MY FINGER WITHOUT MY NOTICING FUUUUUUUUUCK
Ahhhh yes, it's Richard Marx. Thanks to the 413 of you who replied to tell me, though I should have known: E-flat is his signature note.
DM me if you want a Gmail invite, I have 94 left.
Does anyone know who sings that song, the one with all the notes? One of them is a E, I think. Maybe E flat--I can never tell.
I selected the gmail theme "Lonely." It always puts "(13)" after "Inbox".
Heard Palin's voice on the radio this morning. It was like a bout of diarrhea 3 days after you thought you'd beaten the flu.
I am reliving my high school years. Specifically the parts where I am frequently pulled over for speeding.
The great thing about having an emergency kit that consists solely of Otter Pops is that it really makes you excited for an emergency.
Conspicuously reading Catcher in the Rye at cafes to meet college girls didn't pan out, so I'll try reading Lolita at the Twilight premiere.
Eating grilled cheese sandwiches always fills me with nostalgia. And grilled cheese sandwiches.
Me: "There's a new birth control pill called Yaz?" Wife: "Well, now we know what they were doing upstairs at Eric's."
@crispycracka My god, you couldn't have screwed up that joke up worse. It's: "Two NUTS were walking down the street, and one was a salted."
Hopefully the "major character is replaced by a black man" thing will last longer for America than it did for Iron Man or Green Lantern.
Just saw a woman talking on two cell phones simultaneously while driving, one in her left hand, the other . #notajoke #whenobamaispresident
127
Following
2,093
Followers
407
Updates

Following

Evan Williams Maggie Mason Nick Douglas Aaron Suggs President Monteiro bryan mason Colleen Wainwright fake mat honan Andre Torrez Beep. Simon Crowley Kevin Newman Andy Baio Laurie John Gruber Ernie Hsiung Jim Ray Anil Dash Jeffrey Zeldman jessamyn west Andrew Locke CNN Breaking News alana post nostrich Andrew Dupont Joshua Green Allen Amy Jane Gruber Dan Pourhadi Rafe hotdogsladies Sandor Weisz Jon Deal Matt Haughey Sarah Wedde threeze Gee
View All…