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Number 23 bakes a mean lemon pound cake. DEVIN HESTER LEMON ZESTER! DEVIN HESTER LEMON ZESTER! Okay, I'm losing it. |
Nora tried to claim that the Chinese invented eating meat. Being culture-proud is cool, but let's chill on the fantasy propaganda, sweetie. |
I often think of my bed as an oven. If I wake up still soft in the middle I am not done. Must have golden brown crispy edges to function. |
Analogy in search of a context: "Like using a hot dog for a bookmark." |
5-year-old leaves bathroom, refers to her poop as "Darth Vader." "Because it was dark and evil." More things I Didn't Need To Know! |
Confession: my vitamin consumption is less about health benefits and more about having interestingly-colored pee. |
The turkey did NOTHING WRONG. No due process, no crime, nothing to "pardon." Fuck this Kafkaesque Poultry-Pardoning Shit. |
My infinite patience for my fellow humans does not extend to how SLOWLY THEY WALK OMFG ALKSJDLSJKLLSKJ |
Coworker is sighing with frustration over the fax machine. However, I think if you are lame enough to fax then you deserve what you get. |
LT = out. Kid = overnight at Grandma's. Me = vegetarian corn dog + bottle of Shiraz. Saturday night = awesome. |
I get annoyed when people whine, "You can't JUDGE me." Can too. Just did. |
Going out: Nora wants extra tuck-in when I get home. Trip over Star Wars figures, swear quietly, kiss her with beer breath: sweet dreams! |
Can of air freshner in work bathroom is called "Rainforest Mist." Like when the equatorial sun hits a puddle of fresh monkey urine. Ah yes. |
I annotated a work email "Warning: the attached contains some cryptic shit." They'll thank me later. |
Won't you take me to Funkytown? Oh, and then can I get a ride home from Funkytown? |
Cat desperate for my affection. I am playing hard to get. If he shows up outside my window w/boombox and trenchcoat, maybe we'll talk. |
My favorite "energy drink" is tequila. But unfortunately they don't sell that at my gym. This workout is going to suck. |
Donating to the food pantry and Nora asks me why poor people have children. Oh shit! I'm raising a social conservative! |
Bridal shower: everyone hee hees when ribbons are cut, because "every broken ribbon means a baby." OMG NO ONE HERE KNOWS HOW BABIES ARE MADE |
One hundred forty charcters? What the eff? Dear brevity: you suck. |
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