Sharing Your Feelings About Cancer
Friends and Family Have Feelings About Your Cancer Finding a Good Listener Choosing a Good Time to Talk Expressing Anger Pretending to Be Cheerful Sharing Without Talking Summing Up: Sharing Your Thoughts and Feelings About Cancer
Talking about your feelings can help you deal with your cancer.
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Choose a good listener.
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Choose a good time to share your feelings.
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Understand your feelings of anger.
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Don't act cheerful when you don't feel that way.
You may need to find someone outside your family to talk to.
Cancer is too much to handle all by yourself.
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Just as you have strong feelings about cancer, your family or friends will react
to it as well. For instance, your friends or family may:
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hide or deny their sad feelings
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find someone to blame for your cancer
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change the subject when someone talks about cancer
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act mad for no real reason
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make jokes about cancer
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pretend to be cheerful all the time
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avoid talking about your cancer
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stay away from you, or keep their visits short
It can be hard to talk about how it feels to have cancer. But talking can help,
even though it is hard to do. Many people find that they feel better when they
share their thoughts and feelings with their close family and friends.
Friends and family members may not always know what to say to you. Sometimes
they can help by just being good listeners. They don't always need to give you
advice or tell you what they think. They simply need to show that they care and
are concerned about you.
You might find it helpful to talk about your feelings with people who are not
family or friends. Instead, you might want to meet in a support group with
others who have cancer or talk with a counselor. You can find more information
about where to go for help in
"People Helping People".
A single arrow is easily broken, but not ten in a bundle.
--Japanese Proverb
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Some people need time before they can talk about their feelings. If you are not
ready, you might say, "I don't feel like talking about my cancer right now."
And sometimes when you want to talk, your family and friends may not be ready
to listen.
It is hard for other people to know when to talk about cancer. Sometimes people
send a signal when they want to talk. They might:
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bring up the subject of cancer
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talk about things that have to do with cancer, such as a newspaper story about
a new cancer treatment that they just read
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spend more time with you
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act nervous or make jokes that aren't very funny
You can help people feel more comfortable by asking them what they think or how
they feel. Sometimes people can't put their feelings into words. Sometimes,
they just want to hug each other or cry together. A man with stomach cancer
said,
"It was really hard to get my sister to talk about my cancer. Finally, I just
said to her, 'I know you're really worried and scared. So am I. Let's talk
about it.' She was so relieved that I had brought the subject up."
Many people feel angry or frustrated when they deal with cancer. You might find
that you get mad or upset with the people you depend on. You may get upset with
small things that never bothered you before.
People can't always express their feelings. Anger sometimes shows up as actions
instead of words. You may find that you yell a lot at the kids or the dog. You
might slam doors.
Try to figure out why you are angry. Maybe you are afraid of the cancer or are
worried about money. You might even be angry about your treatment. A man with
advanced cancer said,
"I got so angry some days that I just wanted to take it out on something. On
those days, I always tried to be angry at my cancer, not at my wife and
daughter."
When anger rises, think of the consequences.
--Confucius
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Some people pretend to be cheerful, even when they are not. They think that they
will not feel sad or angry when they act cheerful. Your family and friends may
not want to upset you and will act as if nothing is bothering them. You may
think that by being cheerful, your cancer will go away.
When you have cancer, you have many reasons to be upset. "Down days" are to be
expected. Don't pretend to be cheerful when you're not. This can keep you from
getting the help you need. Be honest and talk about all your feelings, not just
the cheerful ones. An older woman with liver cancer said,
"The advice of well-meaning friends to be positive, optimistic, and upbeat can
also be a call for silence. Ask them about it. Don't let them force you to put
on a fake smile when that's the last thing you feel like doing."
For many, it's hard to talk about being sick. Others feel that cancer is a
personal or private matter and find it hard to talk openly about it. If talking
is hard for you, think about other ways to share your feelings. For instance,
you may find it helpful to write about your feelings. This might be a good time
to start a journal or diary if you don't already have one. Writing about your
feelings is a good way to sort through them and a good way to begin to deal
with them. All you need to get started is something to write with and something
to write on.
Journals can be personal or shared. People can use a journal as a way of
'talking' to each other. If you find it hard to talk to someone near to you
about your cancer try starting a shared journal. Leave a booklet or pad in a
private place that both of you select. When you need to share, write in it and
return it to the private place. Your loved one will do the same. Both of you
will be able to know how the other is feeling without having to speak aloud.
If you have e-mail, this can also be a good way to share without talking.
Cancer is hard to deal with all alone. Although talking about your cancer can be
hard at first, most people find that sharing their thoughts and feelings helps
them deal with their cancer.
Keep in mind:
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Choose a good listener. You may not need someone to give you advice or
tell you what to do. Instead, you may want someone who wants to hear about and
try to understand what life is like for you right now. You may need to look
outside your family to find such a person.
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Choose a good time to share. Sometimes people will send signals to let
you know they are willing to talk about cancer with you. Sometimes you can ask
others about their thoughts and feelings.
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Understand anger. Sometimes angry words come from emotions other than
anger, like frustration, worry, or sadness. Try to figure out why you feel
angry and why you need to express it. Don't run away from these feelings--share
them and try to understand them.
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Don't pretend to be cheerful. You may want to spare those around you
from your strong feelings, but acting cheerful will not help you express your
true feelings. Acting cheerful will not give others a true picture of your
thoughts and feelings.
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Turn to community resources for help. A support group or a counselor
might be able to provide more support.
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