Dear retail managers of Denver: you have succeeded in making your employees ballistically cheerful. about 1 hour ago from txt |
Man to small girl @ Target: "Let's commandeer a ship!" (She grabs a cart.) "Engage forward thrusters!" (She pushes off toward the DVDs.) 11:51 AM yesterday from txt |
is totally fine with having one white eyebrow hair. 2:39 PM Dec 5th from web |
"Step Brothers" AND "Fred Claus" shipping today. Oh, Netflix, how did you know? 10:54 AM Dec 2nd from web |
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Jack just gave Jackson gum and Mexican Coke for breakfast. Happy holidays! At least it was sugar-free gum. 8:11 AM Nov 27th from web |
Plans are afoot to brine the salmonella ball. I mean Butterball. 1:14 PM Nov 26th from web |
Turkey blood water bacteria all over the refrigerator. I'm like a walking, talking list of Thanksgiving what-not-to-do's. 9:58 AM Nov 26th from web |
Googled "cooking temperature kill bacteria": !40-160 degrees, people! Get out your meat thermometers or that next Tweet'll come from the ER. 9:17 AM Nov 26th from web |
Whoops! I let the turkey thaw in the sink for 36 hours. It's going to kill us, right? Unless we microwave the shit out of it. 9:07 AM Nov 26th from web |
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Swinging my fists at this sore, achy feeling that needs to back the hell off. 2:36 PM Nov 22nd from web |
Go ahead and Google "shark sex" and see what you get. Yeesh. 2:28 PM Nov 21st from web |
Book club ladies, brace yourselves for my bargain-priced Qupe chardonnay. 6:04 PM Nov 18th from web |
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HUGE fire in Santa Barbara. Lights keep dimming. Candles are ready. 7:38 PM Nov 13th from web |