 | gruber If you send me a "Thanks for the follow" after I start following you, as a rule of thumb I immediately unfollow you. 5:58 PM Dec 13th from Birdhouse |
 | munki To the guy yelling at me out the van window: what I heard was, "I've got a micropenis!". That correct? 4:17 PM Dec 10th from txt |
 | youngamerican In my mind, Twitter is a sort of affirmation of an important life choice I made around age 17: pick friends solely based on funniness. 7:48 AM Dec 10th from web |
 | delfie Oh so we have to be all cryptic and call them "magic" brownies but we can come right out and say pot pie? 7:48 PM Dec 7th from web |
 | hotdogsladies There were always whispers throughout the Pentagon about the exact nature of Cap'n Crunch's relationship with General Mills. 3:58 PM Dec 2nd from web |
 | superfantastic Trying to get a cover letter written with five tabs open. What I lack in focus I make up for in OOH AN EMAIL! 10:45 AM Dec 1st from web |
 | LameBush Cheney keeps bumping into me in the halls. Or he'll step in front of me then suddenly stop. I think he's trying to get me to say "pardon." 6:47 AM Nov 25th from web |
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 | joeschmidt Pro Tip: A trip through your local zoo can be made more enjoyable if you imagine what wine would go well with each animal. 6:29 PM Nov 24th from twhirl |
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 | badbanana The Big 3 automakers now have to sit in an uncomfortable little office while Congress goes out and talks with the manager. 4:36 PM Nov 18th from web |
 | shoesonwrong Cutting my toenails to bring peace to my marriage isn't worth giving up my ability to climb trees and ward off predators. 6:04 PM Nov 17th from web |
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| hotdogsladies This flu's leaving me like a cute French girl. Which is to say, devastatingly, at her own pace, and via innumerable sleepless nights. 4:21 AM Nov 11th from web |
| lonelysandwich Almost everything I do is an escape from something else. Occasionally, my escape routes overlap and I end up drinking scotch in the shower. 9:07 PM Oct 26th from web |
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 | rafitorres To keep me in check in social settings, my wife employs a secret "stop it, fucker!" signal, which consists of her yelling "stop it, fucker!" 8:26 PM Oct 19th from web |
