Superman Might Have Accidentally Pissed On Someone’s Head At Three In The Morning

March 23, 2016 / Posted by:

Henry Cavill has finally stopped burping up at the mouth about his 19-year-old girlfriend and #OscarsSoWhite and is talking about a topic many of us really care about: his naked ass body. Henry was on  Late Night with Seth Meyers (via E!) last night and told the tale of how he ended up giving a golden shower show at the top of a Los Angeles hotel at three in the morning. Don’t worry, a Kartrashian was not involved.

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Open Post: Hosted By Jason Momoa’s Sun-Kissed Beachy Waves Glamour

March 23, 2016 / Posted by:

I see you trying to think you can recreate this easy, breeze, beautiful beachy look using an old bottle of Sun-In that’s been living in the back of your bathroom cabinet for decades, Morton sea salt, tap water, White Rain hairspray and a dream. But sorry, tricks, Jason Momoa got those locks naturally from resting on top of his surfboard under the sun after choking out and cunt-punting a school of sharks trying to attack a dolphin. Jason Momoa IS Aquaman.

Jason worked Jennifer Aniston’s Mexican vacation dream hair with a hot velvet blazer at last night’s London premiere of Who Cares v. Who Cares: Just Bring Me Wonder Woman. I trolled through a bunch of pictures of the premiere and didn’t see any of Jason Momoa with Lisa Bonet. Lisa Bonet must have stayed her ass home, because she wasn’t in the mood for jealousy trollops throwing her looks that clearly say, “You got to bone Lenny Kravitz on the regular and now you get to bone Jason Momoa on the regular? How do I shapeshift into your cooch?

And here’s more pics from last night’s premiere including some of Wonder Woman looking like Christmas, Ben Affleck and Mark Hamill!

Pics: Wenn.com

Joe Giudice Began His 41 Month Prison Sentence Today

March 23, 2016 / Posted by:

Today has been one hell of a hump day for two dark-haired members of the Real Housewives franchise family. In New York City, Bethenny Frankel is joyfully rolling around in a pile of torn-up alimony checks. But across the river in New Jersey, Teresa Giudice is crying salty black eyeliner tears into her mid-afternoon glass of peach Fabellini while screaming “JOOOOOOE!!!“. That’s right, Juicy Joe is now Juicy Prison Inmate Joe.

The Giudice family lawyer confirmed to UsWeekly that Joe Giudice lumbered into the Fort Dix Federal Correctional Institution in New Jersey today at noon to serve his 41 month prison sentence for wire and bankruptcy fraud. Joe was escorted into his home for the next couple of years by Teresa, his brother, his sister, and a bunch of other Giudices. Teresa will look after their four Giudettes while Joe is in the big house, just like how Joe did for Teresa when she was locked up last year.

Maybe it’s because I have the story of another locked-up bottom-rung celebrity degenerate still fresh on my mind, but I can’t help but wonder how Joe will do in prison. I don’t know much about being locked up, but I do know the best way to ensure that nobody fucks with you is to establish yourself as totally fucking crazy. And what better way to prove it than by going around and introducing yourself as Teresa Giudice’s husband. “Don’t piss him off, man – I heard he’s real close with the Babadook-looking table flipper from the Real Housewives of New Jersey.

Pic: Teresa Giudice

The Plot Thickens (Or Thins, Depending On How Much You Care): Elizabeth Olsen Was Never Asked To Do “Fuller House”

March 23, 2016 / Posted by:

The makers of Making A Murderer are currently working on a second season for Netflix, but they need to hit the red ABORT button on those plans and instead shift their focus to investigating and thoroughly covering the journey to get Michelle Tanner in Fuller House. That American saga has more twists and turns than the Trollsens’ spinning heads when they do a Satanic spell on a bitch.

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Maria Bello Traded In Her Girlfriend For A 29-Year-Old Guy Friend

March 23, 2016 / Posted by:

You’re actually looking at a picture of all three people from the title. On the left, we have Maria Bello. In the middle, we have Maria Bello’s now-former girlfriend Clare Munn. On the right, we have the 29-year-old she replaced her girlfriend with. However, this picture wasn’t taken during the Craigslist-style new partner parking lot exchange. It was taken at an event a year ago, when Maria was still with Clare. To quote The Ashleys from Recess, “Scandalous!

Back in 2013, Maria Bello wrote an op-ed piece for The New York Times wherein she announced to the world that she’s bi and was dating her best friend, Clare. Obviously something happened between then and now, because UsWeekly says that Maria isn’t doing Clare anymore. They also say that for the past six months, she’s been having her 48-year-old business worked on by a 29-year-old actor/musician named Elijah Allan-Blitz.

One of Maria’s friends tells UsWeekly that Maria and Elijah were friends before they got together back in August. However, they didn’t mention whether or not Elijah is a scissor-dulling home wrecker of the highest order, which is really too bad, because that’s all a drama-loving trash rat like me cares about. Although if I had to guess, Clare probably figured it out long before it came to that. Besides “getting that dick“, there’s no good reason for why a 48-year-old woman would be in a just-friends situation with a 29-year-old aspiring actor/model pretty boy. Honestly, that sounds like a creative punishment thought up by a judge. “I sentence you to 100 non-sexual hours of listening to this millennial talk about how Diplo is a better DJ than Calvin Harris.

Here are some more pictures of Maria and Clare and Elijah taken shortly before Elijah made the transition from third wheel to Maria Bello’s full-time boyfriend.

Pics: Wenn.com

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This Trailer For “Bridget Jones’s Baby” Needs Some Maury In It

March 23, 2016 / Posted by:

The last Bridget Jones’ movie came out over 11 years ago, but because the “crying lonely tears on a log of raw cookie dough after a break-up” set will throw their money at a third movie, a third movie has been shot and the one-time master squinter formerly known as Squinty Zellweger debuted the first trailer on Ellen today. As anyone who has been following this shit knows, they threw out the plot of the third Bridget Jones book and did a new story based on the columns that author Helen Fielding wrote for The Independent in 2005.

In Bridget Jones’s Baby, Bridget is still an awkward klutz, but now she’s a 40-year-old awkward klutz who is knocked up with a Maury baby. Bridget doesn’t know if the dude who raw-dogged a baby into her womb is her ex-husband (yeah ex) Mark Darcy or a hot billionaire piece played by Patrick Dempsey. Bridget tells both of them that they’re the father and HIJINKS (including HIJINKS involving Dr. Emma Thompson) ensue! I know, Bridget Jones really needs a shameless gold digger friend in her life to advise her that she needs to tell Patrick Dempsey that he’s really the father, and if the baby comes out looking like Darcy in the face, take the baby on a long-visit to her mom’s house (read: take the baby to get back alley plastic surgery to look like Patrick Dempsey in the face). Heather Mills would’ve played the role of the gold digger friend flawlessly. What a missed opportunity!

And I’m really surprised that the UK hasn’t announced that they’re experiencing a Vaseline shortage, because it’s obvious that every jar was smeared on all of the camera lenses while making this.

Pics: Wenn.com

Katt Williams Got Into A Fight With An Alleged 7th Grader

March 23, 2016 / Posted by:

Let’s see, we’ve got a 42-year-old man getting his ass kicked by a child on someone’s front yard while a pair of Hello Kitty slippers looks on. If that isn’t a flashing emergency siren alert for Jesus to take the wheel of Katt Williams’ life , then I don’t know what is.

So it appears that Katt Williams is going for some kind of personal best of his personal worst. Thanks to a Facebook user named Luke Dagreat, a video of Katt Williams brawling with what TMZ claims is a 7th grader – yes I said 7th grader – made its way onto the internet. According to the NY Daily News, Katt’s latest catfight happened in Florida (because OF COURSE), although TMZ says it happened in Atlanta. Since it’s Katt Williams we’re talking about, there’s a very good chance it happened in both places. I wouldn’t put it past an expert-level mess like Katt Williams to harness the powers of bilocation as a way to punch people in two places at the same time.

It apparently started after Katt sucker punched a kid in the face. At least he’s going after opponents his own size now, right? The kid, whose name is Luke (I’m assuming it’s probably the Luke Dagreat from above), fought back by wrestling Katt’s ass to the ground and putting him in a headlock. As you can see, Katt was saved by a bunch of bystanders, who eventually pulled Luke off of him. I guess Katt’s gang of ass-whooping witch goons had the day off or something. Here’s the video of Katt Williams brawling with a child:

Katt clearly doesn’t have a Jiminy Cricket or Great Gazoo in his life to advise him on when to shut the hell up, because Katt keeps on talking shit about Luke after their fight ends. Katt, STOP. The only thing worse than getting your ass kicked by a child is getting your ass kicked by a child again. All jokes aside, can someone call up Jiminy Cricket and Great Gazoo and see if either of them would be willing to do the remaining un-punched faces of America a favor by keeping this pocket-sized disaster on the straight and narrow? “And risk getting my adorable face punched in? No way” replied both.

Poor Wittle Justin Bieber Is Too Sad To Do $2,000 Meet-And-Greets Anymore

March 23, 2016 / Posted by:

That little girl was probably so disappointed when she was told that she wasn’t hugging on a life-sized animatronic version of her favorite toy, a blond monchhichi, but something called a Justin Bieber.

Seen above looking like he’s in the middle of getting meth baby’s first haircut at Supercuts, Justin Bieber has dramatically announced that he just can’t go on with doing meet-and-greets after his shows anymore. Many pop tricks do a special and expensive ass meet-and-greet with fans before or after their shows, because they want that MONAY. And they know that some of their fans are insane enough to pay for that shit by secretly taking out a second mortgage on their parents’ house, selling contraband soda to little kids on the playground at school (Thanks [Michelle] Obama!) and/or smearing dirt on their faces to get coins while pretending to be a homeless orphan outside of Targets. The VIP package on the Justin’s “Purpose World Tour” cost fans either $900 or $2000. That $2000 package used to include a ticket to his show and a picture with him, but not anymore.

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Bethenny Frankel Doesn’t Have To Pay Her Former Husband Tons Of Alimony Money Anymore

March 23, 2016 / Posted by:

I hope Bethenny Frankel’s divorce lawyer broke the news to her very carefully and slowly. It would put a real damper on things if every pulled-tight muscle in her face were to snap like a bundle of elastic bands from surprise-smiling too quickly.

Former-turned-current Real Housewife Bethenny Frankel has been battling it out in divorce court with her soon-to-be ex-husband Jason Hoppy for more than three years now. It’s been a long, tired, dramatic, expensive mess. Last May, a judge took pity on Jason (who played the “Help me, I’m poor” card) and forced the low-calorie drink/snack mogul to start handing over a whole bunch of alimony money. Jason left court that day with $100,000 (raise your hand if you too read that number in RuPaul’s voice) and $11,858.42 a month for the maintenance fees on their apartment, which he was living in. The deal was that Bethenny would fork over almost $12,000 a month for 12 months or until they’ve figured out who gets the apartment.

Well, Page Six says Bethenny and Jason recently met up again in court, and an appeals court judge decided she can stop writing big support checks to Jason. Bethenny and Jason still have to fight over who gets their apartment, but at least Bethenny no longer has to foot the bill for a plumber every time that careless bitch Jason dumps a pile of pork bones into the garbage disposal.

No word on what changed the judge’s mind two months early, but it’s probably irrelevant to Bethenny. All that matters is that she’s got an extra $24,000 burning a hole in her money-for-the-ex checking account. So if you see a gleeful Bethenny skipping around the 18″ doll clothing section of the American Girl store on 5th Avenue and hollering “I want one of each!“, you’ll know why.

Pic: Splash


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