Everyone experiences feelings of anger at some time. It can be anything from mild annoyance to full-blown rage. When your angry feelings become too intense or too frequent — or are expressed in hurtful or overly aggressive ways — anger has become a problem. Out-of-control anger can leave lasting scars on family members and partners, alienate friends and coworkers, damage careers, and lead to physical and emotional illnesses.
Think about how you manage your anger.
- Do you often feel angry?
- Do you blow up over trivial matters?
- Do the people around you complain about your temper?
- Have you experienced road rage?
- Do you worry that your anger is out of your control?
For some service members and family members, the stresses associated with military life, such as the emotional toll of repeated deployments, can make anger more of a problem in their lives. The most important thing to know is that you can do something about it. If you have tried techniques to manage your anger yourself and are still having problems, it may be time to consider reaching out for support. Learn how to manage anger by understanding how it affects you and acquiring new skills to help you respond to it more constructively.
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Managing your feelings
Practicing anger management techniques can help you manage your anger in three ways:
- By reducing the intensity of your angry feelings
- By changing your thinking patterns in anger-inducing situations
- By modifying your actions in response to anger
When you feel your anger begin to rise, the first thing to do is try to calm down. Try the following techniques to cool down:
- Take a timeout. Count to 10 or say a prayer to calm yourself. Slow down and, if necessary, take a break by going for a walk or listening to music. If you're involved in a conflict with another person, be sure to make it clear that you will return to the discussion after you calm down.
- Use relaxation techniques. You can use different relaxation methods to help calm angry feelings, which include deep breathing, calming music or visualizing a peaceful place. There are books and online resources available to help you learn relaxation techniques.
Managing your thoughts
Negative and irrational thoughts can trigger or escalate your anger. The following techniques can help you reframe your thinking:
- Stop and evaluate the situation logically. Ask yourself if your anger is appropriate for the situation. Are your expectations reasonable? Are you jumping to conclusions? Are you dwelling on the negatives? Are you generalizing?
- Look for alternative ways of thinking about people, places and things that set you off. For example, "The boss never shows me any appreciation" might become, "He probably has a lot on his mind right now," or "Maybe she's not the type to give a lot of feedback."
- Try to see the other person's point of view. When you put yourself in the other person’s shoes you become empathetic, which decreases your anger. Also, entertain the thought that you’re both partially right. Moving from a win-lose perspective to a win-win point of view will help calm your anger.
Managing your actions
Judge your success in self-anger management by whether you change your behavior when you get angry. Keep in mind, your goal is not to suppress or eliminate anger, but to express it in constructive ways. Managing your actions leads to a more satisfying and healthy life.
- Communicate your anger in assertive, nonaggressive ways. Assertive communication means expressing your feelings and your needs in a respectful, nonconfrontational manner. Your goal should be to get another person to understand the reason for your anger without blaming or being demanding or hostile.
- Use "I" statements to describe the problem. Statements such as "I'm upset that you didn't tell me first," versus "You never consider my feelings," might be helpful.
- Practice active listening. Make sure the other person knows you hear their point of view.
- Identify the problem. Once you know what the problem is, you can focus on how to handle it.
- Focus on solving the problem. Angry outbursts don't solve problems. Don't give up if you can't solve a problem right away. Some problems are more difficult to work through. Just stay focused on solving the problem and you should be better able to control your temper.
When to seek help
If you've tried techniques to manage your anger yourself, and still have problems, it may be time to reach out for support. Here are a couple of support options:
- Anger management classes give you the opportunity to practice in a setting where you can also learn from others. Classes and groups are available on military installations and in civilian communities. Check with your installation’s Military and Family Support Center for available classes and resources. You can also call Military OneSource at 800-342-9647 for help finding anger management programs in your community.
- Free confidential, non-medical counseling may also be helpful if you want to learn more about the reasons behind your anger, prevent it and manage it. Counseling addresses short-term issues such as improving relationships at home and work, stress management, adjustment issues — such as returning from a deployment — marital problems, parenting, and grief and loss issues. You can receive free confidential non-medical counseling services through Military OneSource for up to 12 sessions in person, over the phone, online or through live video chat. Call Military OneSource at 800-342-9647 for more information.
Anger management skills may take some time and practice, but the rewards will be worth it.