Grief is a natural response when a loved one dies; however, the more traumatic and unexpected the loss, like losing a loved one in military service, the more intense your grief may be. How you grieve depends on your personality, your life experiences, your faith, the nature of your loss and your coping style. While there is no right or wrong way to grieve, there are healthy ways to cope or survive the pain, and in time give yourself permission to find your new normal as you continue on your life's journey. When you're grieving, it may be helpful to know:
- The stages of grief
- Coping tips
- Available resources
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Grieving is a personal experience and different for everyone. Grief does not have a normal time frame. Some people feel better in months, while for others, it may take years. It is important to not be hard on yourself and to allow your grief to unfold naturally. You may still experience a strong sense of grief years later, especially during special occasions like a wedding or graduation.
The five stages of grief
Ask
for help if you're having difficulty managing your feelings.
Denial, anger, guilt, depression and acceptance are known as the "five stages of grief." Not everyone who grieves will go through all these stages, and those who do may not experience the stages in order. Sometimes there is circling back to stages and sometimes stages can occur at the same time. Here are some things to know about these natural stages:
- Denial — It's common to deny the reality of losing someone close to you. It might feel like the person can't really be gone or that he or she will appear again at any moment. This is not always a bad thing. Sometimes this feeling protects you from going into shock.
- Anger — You may find yourself angry at a branch of the military, leaders or people who worked with your service member. You might be upset with a higher power or even with the service member you've lost. This, too, is normal.
- Guilt — You may have thoughts like, "If only I had . . .," believing you could somehow have prevented your loved one's death. Remember that most people experience some kind of guilt like this when they lose someone close.
- Depression — For a little while, you may feel hopeless, defeated or that life is no longer worth living. You might find it difficult to concentrate or get out of bed in the morning. The things you used to enjoy or that gave you a sense of purpose may not seem to matter anymore. If this stage continues for an extended period, it's important to seek help.
- Acceptance — This stage is the result of allowing yourself to experience each emotion as you feel it. The time is often marked with a sense of calm and peace, though not necessarily happiness and contentment. Acceptance is a sign that you're adjusting.
Coping with loss
Attend
a bereavement camp, available at different times of year and places in the country.
The key to remember is that almost everything you experience in the early stages of grief is normal, to include the feeling that you are losing your mind or experiencing a bad dream. You may experience shock and disbelief, sadness, guilt, anger, fear and physical symptoms. Here are some ideas that you may find helpful:
- Find support — Turn to your family members and friends who care. People often want to help but don't know how, so tell them how they can help, even if it is just to listen or to provide a shoulder to cry on. You may even want to consider joining a support group and talking to a grief counselor.
- Draw comfort from your faith — You may want to talk to a chaplain, a clergy member or others in your religious community, even if you are questioning your faith. The mourning rituals of your faith may provide you comfort.
- Take care of yourself — Look after both your physical and emotional needs. The stress of losing a significant loved one in your life can affect your health. Ensure you try to get enough sleep, eat right, exercise and avoid alcohol and drugs to numb your pain.
- Allow yourself to feel your emotions. — You may want to express your feelings in a creative way by keeping a journal about your loss, writing a letter to your loved one to say the things you didn't have a chance to or making a scrapbook to celebrate your loved one's life.
- Don't let anyone tell you how you are supposed to feel and when it's time to move forward. — While they may believe they are helping you and do have good intentions, you need to allow yourself to feel whatever you feel on your own timeline without feeling judged or embarrassed. It's OK to be angry, to cry, to not cry, to laugh and to experience moments of joy and to let go when you are ready.
- Moderate your exposure to media — Although it might be difficult to avoid TV reports, newspaper articles or news websites with coverage of your loved one's death, be aware that repeated exposure can interfere with coping.
- Manage your stress — Many people take comfort in maintaining routines, exercising, meditating or reading. Social ties can also help to reduce stress.
- Ask for help if you're having difficulty managing your feelings — If you feel alone or are having trouble working through your emotions, a therapist or counselor can help you find resources and support.
Available resources
No one has to struggle alone. Sharing your grief with others can be productive and therapeutic. There are resources available to help you. Here are some things you may want to do:
Complicated grief
You will never be completely over the loss of your loved one; however, your grief should become less intense as time passes. If you do not feel better over time or your grief is getting worse and your pain is so severe it keeps you from living your life, you may be suffering from "complicated grief." There is a difference between grief and depression. If you are experiencing the following symptoms, talk to a professional grief therapist or counselor right away:
- Intense guilt — blaming yourself for your loved one's death
- Thoughts of suicide or your mind is preoccupied with dying — feel like life isn't worth living
- Feelings of hopelessness or worthlessness — wish you had died with your loved one
- Inability to function — unable to perform your normal activities at work, home and/or school