A deployment can bring out strong emotions in every member of your family and can cause stress and anxiety, especially in children. By understanding how preschool and school-age children react during deployments you can provide support, and keep your wits about you, as so much changes around you. Three things to keep in mind:
- Before deployment, set the example for handling stress.
- During deployment, keep routines as normal as possible.
- After deployment, establish a pace that works for your family.
If you think a deployment is going to present a specific challenge for your household, know that many families may also struggle with deployment. Check out Military OneSource for access to confidential, free, non-medical counseling and other resources for support or contact your local Military and Family Support Center.
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Helping children deal with a deployment
Deployments can be challenging for adults, so naturally children could face a host of challenges, as well. Take time to nurture their feelings and explain each step to them throughout the deployment process. Here's how.
Before deployment
Even if your child is normally happy-go-lucky, chances are there may be a change in behavior while your family gets ready for a deployment. In fact, a child may engage in some behaviors that you (secretly) wish you could give into as you're running through your deployment checklist. Some of those changes may include:
- Moodiness or whining
- Restlessness or irritability
- Testing your limits
- Acting out at home or school
- Watching endless TV marathons while eating lots of junk food
Don't be surprised about changes in your child's or teen's behavior; from minor changes that may grate on your nerves, to more serious emotional changes such as anger, sadness, withdrawal, denial or fear.
You may be feeling any and all of the above as well, but keep these tips in mind as you prepare:
- Be aware that your own mood may affect the entire household.
- Listen to your children and talk with them individually about the deployment. Answer questions as simply as you can, and be honest — it is OK to admit that you're excited about your or your spouse's job, but sad you or your spouse is leaving home.
- Talk about ways the deploying parent will stay in touch with the family. You might make recordings of the deploying parent's voice for preschool-age children.
- Discuss any upcoming changes in the household routine and remind children that the household rules will not change simply because one parent is away.
- Ask your school-age kids to help pack the deploying parent's bags.
Finally, be sure to make a goodbye plan with your partner instead of trying to slip out quietly when you think a child won't notice. Plan to keep goodbyes brief. And if you're the parent who is staying home, consider going for a low-key treat following the departure of the deploying parent.
During deployment
Now that only one parent is at home, kids might decide it's time to exercise their creativity for bending household rules. Use the following suggestions to help manage the household:
- If you are deployed, stay in contact as regularly as possible. Explain that sometimes you won't be able to get in touch, but you're definitely thinking of your family every day. Send letters or emails, and if you have more than one child, send notes to each child individually when you can.
- If you are at home, stick to your usual schedule as much as possible, and develop new routines for sending care packages or writing letters. Also set aside a time to help children process what they hear on the news or from other kids.
- Reinforce the household rules. Don't let the children get away with behaviors that you normally wouldn't allow, and always support your partner when discussing household issues from afar.
- Remember that your transition home after deployment will be easier if you have stayed connected and involved as much as possible.
After deployment
When the deployed parent returns, children might need some guidance on how to handle conflicting emotions. You may want to consider ways to ease the deployed parent back into the family routine, rather than making major changes right after the return home. The following suggestions can help the whole family settle into a new routine after deployment:
- If you are the parent who deployed, try to stay close to home after your return. Young children could be easily confused if you are away, even for a short period of time, so soon after your return.
- If you're the parent who stayed home, let your partner ease back into the family routine. Gradually step up the level of involvement of the returning parent with mealtimes, bedtime, play and discipline.
- Recognize that even a few months can make a big difference in a child in terms of physical growth and social development. Take time to observe and appreciate the changes that have occurred.
- Remember that children may need some alone time, just like grown-ups, to help with the transition.
Once you've got one successful deployment under your belt, you may feel better prepared for the next one. Keep in mind, your family's needs may evolve through each deployment so be ready to make changes as needed.
Military OneSource offers special programs to help you and your family, including the Child and Youth Behavioral Military and Family Life Counseling Program services and the New Parent Support Program. Contact Military OneSource to access free, confidential, non-medical counseling if you find yourself feeling overwhelmed or just need to talk by any part of the deployment cycle. You can also reach out to your local Military and Family Support Center or to a chaplain or other spiritual advisor for assistance.