marriage – Page 3 – Blog Brigade

Getting to Know You (After Four Years of Marriage)

Posted by on November 2, 2012 at 09:42

Nov 022012

Kristi

Guess what! A couple years ago—roughly two years into our marriage—I realized my husband was purposely goofing up the dishwasher loading and unloading so that I would quit asking him to do it! I know! Shocking, right? I still feel a chill of betrayal up my spine whenever I think about it.

What upsets me more is that it took me nearly two years to figure this out. It’s hard to tell if I’m madder at him or myself. No, scratch that; I choose to be mad at him.

It was around the time of this shocking discovery that I called it: the honeymoon was over.

But, wait a second. Sure we’d been married two years when I made this startling discovery, but in my defense we’d only lived under the same roof around a year, give or take a month for one training exercise or another.

Wait, can that be right? Married a year, under the same roof for six months, married two years, and living under the same roof for just one year? After a lot of counting on my fingers and a pretty substantial headache, I realized it was true, and the pattern rings true now that we’ve been married four years. You guessed it; under the same roof for about two years.

With this odd marriage timeline we’re following, I can’t help but wonder what else I don’t yet know about my husband. If we were forced onto one of those how well do you know your spouse game shows, I fear we might fail miserably since this is what I’m working with. He

likes the color blue;

hates tomatoes and meatloaf, but will eat food so spicy it brings tears to his eyes;

wears size medium shirts (I have no idea what size shoe he wears);

might have allergies (I really have no idea);

gets cranky when he has to wear his “fancy” uniform; and

forgets birthdays until 2-3 days prior.

As a military brat himself, he lived all over the place growing up, so I can barely keep all of his “homes” straight. In fact, when I met him, his parents were stationed in Okinawa. He originally failed to mention the “stationed” part and just told me his parents lived in Japan. It took me weeks to discover that he wasn’t the adopted son of a nice Japanese family.

So, I’ve come to terms with the fact that our relationship and our marriage may never be normal, but who cares! I’m not sure that the cookie cutter style really suits us anyway. I kind of like being a little different and overcoming challenges that others might never be able to understand.

In the long run I know we’ll be stronger individuals and we’ll have a stronger marriage because of the time that we’ve had to spend apart. And as far as learning all the specifics, we have our whole lives to figure out the details. It’s not like there’s going to be a test on Friday, so what’s the rush?

When we’re old and wrinkly, we’ll have plenty to talk about while my husband does the dishes—I’ve just decided that a lifetime of dishes will be his punishment for trying to skip out on the job in the early years of our marriage. We’ll be old, wrinkly, and still learning new things about each other, and that’s pretty awesome (minus the wrinkles)!

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When you have in-laws, remember that means you are one too!

Posted by on October 31, 2012 at 08:00

Oct 312012

Kelli

In-law. A word merely whispered that can incite tremors of fear. We have all heard “My MOTHER-in-law is coming soon,” followed by a heavy sigh laced with one or more of the following emotions: anxiety, fear, anger, apprehension, nervousness, or downright disdain.

I’ve always wondered where the term in-law originated. The answer is quite interesting. It comes from the “canon law,” which are laws or regulations made or adopted by religious authority. The term in-law was used to identify people to whom you were not biologically related, but were forbidden to marry. You were related through a legal transaction, i.e., the marriage of two individuals.

I found it to be one of those “OH WOW! That totally makes sense!” moments.

I am fortunate to have a mother and mother-in-law who, in different ways, have taught me the kind of mother-in-law I hope to be. I wish I could say everyone loved me in my husband’s family or that everyone in my family adored my husband as much as I do, but the wish is not realistic. People are people and families bring to the table all kinds of personalities, baggage, history, life philosophies, and belief systems. It is no wonder there are rough waters to navigate on occasion.

Add the military and the stress that it brings and you’d better have some life vests on hand for the occasional rapids. Sometimes, you might even feel like you’ve capsized.

Here is some advice I’ve either learned on my own over the years or been given by those wiser and more experienced.

Follow your spouse’s lead. Your husband or wife’s relationship with his or her family existed long before you came into the picture. If they are close and your spouse wants to include them in your life together, honor that. If not, there may be a reason. Forcing a relationship between your spouse and his or her family members is just as bad as pulling your spouse away from those relationships.

Accept people where they are today. Don’t expect things from people they are either unwilling or unable to give. If we expect what cannot be given, we will always be disappointed. We need to love people where they are, not where we want them to be.

Be willing to let things roll off your back. You will not do everything perfectly or the way someone else would do it. You don’t have to! That’s the point in growing up and starting your own family. As you make changes in lifestyle, spirituality, and careers, and make other major life decisions, there will be the nay sayers and those who will offer their unsolicited advice and opinions. Take it, leave it, or ignore it. You are all grown up and married. However, you do not have to be unkind about it. No one ever regretted saying “thank you for your advice” and then walking away.

Be careful what and to whom you “vent.” Railing on about your spouse’s annoying habits to your mother is a bad, bad, bad idea. Other people do not love your spouse the way you do and sometimes when we vent in anger, we share only our side and often fail to circle back and fill in the reconciliation story. That’s what therapists, counselors, and neutral friends are for!

On occasion a situation needs to be addressed. Usually it is best to let the spouse of that family member address the problem. Unfortunately that is not always possible during long deployments. If you find yourself in the position of having to have a difficult discussion, try to do so when you are not emotionally overwrought. Take time to consider your words carefully. Unkind words said in anger or frustration have never made things better. Usually they make them much worse.

(I just re-read “deployment” and “not emotionally overwrought” in the same paragraph. Yes…I realize that’s an oxymoron.)

Do not compromise your standards. As you and your spouse grow together you will determine right and wrong for your family. There will be those who live differently or might be critical of your choices. You can love them and not agree with them. Loving them doesn’t mean you have to allow things in your life you deem unhealthy. Together you and your spouse decide where those lines need to be drawn and then support each other. The boundaries you set together will free you up to love those new family members the best way you can, even if it’s from afar.

I am grateful for my mother, my grandmother, and my mother-in-law. I have no doubt my husband and I have made decisions over the years that made them shake their heads. While we can never repay our parents and other special family members for extending their hearts to include our spouses, we can remember what we appreciated and extend that same love to our children as they leave our nest and start their own families.

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The Shift Worker Spouse Survival Guide

Posted by on October 29, 2012 at 08:00

Oct 292012

Melissa

It’s hard being married to a service member without the added “bonus” of being married to a service member whose unit is a 24 hour a day/365 days a year operation like emergency responders, flight line crew, military police, medical personal, etc. I definitely had a rude awakening when my husband switched from a deployable unit to a “shift work” unit. At first it sounded like the ideal escape from the deployment “hamster wheel:” two days on, two days off, three days on, two days off or such some variation. That would be quite a sweet deal if that was only Monday through Friday. However, these jobs go all day, every day, with no holidays, to ensure our military is running smoothly. It can be quite challenging coming from a unit that has “96s,” holiday block leave and *gasp* lunch hours.

Our first few months adjusting to the shift work lifestyle were rough because I was working office hours and my husband was working the night shift. We literally were two cars passing on the road with a wave (and maybe a blown kiss) as I was heading to work and he was coming home from work. In some respects it felt like he was deployed because I would come home from work and spend my evenings alone and not see him for a few days. Now that we are used to this hectic pace I can gladly share some Shift Worker Spouse Survival Tips:

Be flexible. Shift workers (like many folks working military jobs) rarely get off at their appointed time and, inevitably, emergencies tend to happen during shift change. I know it can be irritating wanting to plan dinner or get kids in bed, but be flexible. I can guarantee your spouse is doing everything in his or her power to get home as soon as possible. If you need to, cook dinner and save him or her a plate. You can always sit down together when your spouse does get home. Heck, if the kids are already in bed, enjoying a dinner with just the two of you could even be romantic!

Beat boredom: have a hobby. I find that the weekends my husband works leave me with extra time on my hands because we aren’t out doing things. Instead of sulking I have tried my hand at several hobbies in order to fill the void. Bonus: I learn a new skill and I am not just stuck in front of the TV. This point leads into the next one.

Live life now. When we first moved overseas, I fell into the trap of missing out on a lot of fun cultural events and festivals because I didn’t want to experience these things without my husband. I didn’t want to go and have all of this fun and make memories without him, so in some respects I was letting life pass me by. With his encouragement, I now get out there and do it all. We think of it as me “scouting out” things for us to do and yummy restaurants to try so that when he is off we don’t waste our precious time together on less than stellar activities!

No guilt trips. Try not to make your spouse feel bad about the crazy hours. I know I get frustrated when my husband works all weekend and then has to attend training on his days off during the week. I feel a little selfish and want to spend that time with him. Instead of complaining, see what you can do to help lessen your spouse’s load during his busy week.

Modify your holidays: make your own traditions. Your spouse will more than likely have to work on a few of the major holidays during the year. Your gut reaction may be anger. Quickly stomp that out by being grateful that your spouse is in the same country as you for this holiday and not deployed. Besides, making alternate arrangements for holidays can actually be fun! We have celebrated many Thanksgivings on Wednesday and Christmas a few days before. If you have kids they may even enjoy it because they will get to celebrate the holiday twice: once during your “modified” holiday, then again on the actual holiday! We find our holidays are less stressful because we do not have to adhere to all the normal traditions.

Put the “Bitter Betty” persona away. I will admit I get insanely jealous during long holiday weekends when the rest of the military and government world are off. I want to plan camping trips and long weekends jetting off to a remote location without taking leave days. I want to have a cookout on Labor Day weekend or enjoy block leave at Christmas. Being bitter isn’t going to solve the problem. Look at the positives of shift work. We get to take advantage of local attractions during the week when they aren’t as busy or enjoy a popular restaurant for dinner when it isn’t as crowded. Sometimes I have to remind myself that it isn’t the end of the world that my husband doesn’t get these days off by putting my own Bitter Betty back on the shelf.

Being the spouse of a shift worker in the military is challenging, but it isn’t all bad. In the end, I think we learn to cherish the time we do spend together a little more than if we were on the regular Monday through Friday routine.

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Double the Fun: Second Baby Reality Check

Posted by on October 22, 2012 at 08:00

Oct 222012

Kristi

After my husband and I found out we were going to be parents again we decided to see how our toddler son felt about being a big brother.

Me: “J, do you want a little sister?”

J nods his head.

Me: “Do you want a little brother?”

J gives me another confident head nod.

I’m feeling pretty good at this point since it seems he’s excited to be a big brother, and he doesn’t seem to care if we have a girl or boy! Double score! Then we continued to prod…I don’t know why.

J’s Nana: “J, do you want a new puppy?”

You guessed it; another head nod.

J’s Pa-Pa: “J, do you want a hamburger?”

Yet another head nod, arguably even more enthusiastic than the one agreeing to a little sister.

Hmm. So, clearly he has no idea what’s going on. He has no idea how much his little life is about to change. That’s when I realized just how much all of our lives were about to change!

When my husband and I started talking about the idea of baby number two it was all sweet baby powder scents and rose-colored glasses. A reality check reminded me that there would be a lot more not-so-pleasant smells, 2:00 a.m. feedings, and the possibility of two meltdowns on aisle 12 in the grocery store.

The hand-me-down catch

What in the world am I so worried about? We planned for more than one child. I made sure everything we bought for J was gender neutral so we could use it more than once. Well, that crib is still being used by our not-quite 2-year- old, as is the playpen/portable crib and bouncer (I, of course, chose one that turned into a toddler rocking chair and my son refuses to part with it).

And then there’s the stroller issue. My son can walk, of course, but that doesn’t mean I always want him to. Rather than chase him through the racks of a department store or walk at a snail’s pace through a crowded airport, I turn to the stroller. Now with two kiddos, I’m shopping in the double stroller section, which would bring us to a whopping fifth stroller since J was born in 2010. Maybe we should’ve sprung for an extra bedroom simply for stroller storage?

The grow-up hurry up

With the hand-me-down predicament in full swing, my husband and I find ourselves scratching our heads and changing our minds on a daily basis. Do we rush potty training just so we can put the diaper pail in the new nursery and limit ourselves to one diaper bill? It doesn’t seem like a bad idea until we try to get J to sit on his potty. Let’s just say J could win an Oscar for best dramatic performance. Call us crazy if we don’t exactly look forward to that 10 times a day.

Do we push the “big boy bed” when the crib walls are really the only thing containing this kid at night and nap time? I’m positive without the crib to limit his options, he’d be running around like a maniac as soon as the lights go out and the door closes. Truth be told, I have no idea what we’ll do. We have about six months to figure it out, and I’m sort of banking on J just magically waking up one day begging to use the potty and falling asleep in the evening without a late-night party of one in his crib. It’s a longshot, I know; wish us luck.

Two of everything

I know I sound like I’m a little freaked about the arrival of our second baby, but the truth is that my husband and I couldn’t be more excited. I just need to get my ducks in a row and figure out how I’m going to juggle two nap and feeding schedules, two sets of temper tantrums, two kids vying for my attention, and…what am I forgetting…oh yes, two car seats. Note to self, we need a bigger car ASAP!

I’m trying my best to take this little adventure one day at a time, and as parenting one child has already taught me, things don’t have to be perfect. We’ll figure it out as we go, and at the end of the day, as long as the kiddos are safe, healthy and know that they’re loved we’re doing something right. If mom and dad can preserve a bit of sanity and free time, we’ll just call that a bonus!

P.S. – Don’t worry; we’ll use the next six months teaching J the difference between a hamburger and a new baby.

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Fighting Fairly: It Can Be Done

Posted by on October 19, 2012 at 08:00

Oct 192012

Cassie

I still remember clearly the first time I tried to “sleep on the couch” when my husband and I argued. The funny thing is I can’t remember what the argument was about. I remember lying there, wide awake, when my husband stomped down the stairs and unceremoniously swooped me into his arms. He marched me upstairs and flopped me on the bed.

“We may go to bed angry, but we’re going to do it together,” he said.

Then he climbed in bed, rolled over and we both laid there in silence until we drifted off to sleep.

Everybody argues. You might even have moments where you wish you weren’t married. But every successful marriage has a few key components:

love (obviously)
friendship
trust
communication

So, what happens when issues come up and no one ever taught you how to argue in a healthy way? (Because believe me, there is a right way and a wrong way.) People’s feelings get hurt, trust may be broken, and resentment could set in. One of my favorite quotes about the hard times in a marriage actually comes from a movie line (I’m paraphrasing):

“Some days you and your spouse love each other. Other days you have to work at it. You never see the hard days in a photo album; but those are the ones that get you from one happy snapshot to the next.”

Here are some things to think about when you and your spouse go head to head:

Don’t dig up bones from the past. It’s easy, I mean EASY, to bring old arguments into the current one, but it won’t get you anywhere. As you guys get better at arguing, the need to complain about the old stuff will lessen. Focus on the argument at hand, take a breath, bite your tongue until it bleeds (not literarily), walk away for a few minutes if you have to. Do whatever you have to do to stay focused on the current issue.

Think about what it is that’s really eating you. Your hubs comes home late, flops his feet up on couch. You’ve been with the kids all day. You’re exhausted. He’s exhausted. You manage not to argue through dinner, but after dinner, it’s time to do the dishes and he goes back to the couch without offering to help. You argue. Chances are the argument is not really about the dishes. Maybe it’s more about the balance of household duties and work-life balance.

Articulate what’s really eating you. So, you’ve identified that you feel like you’re the one who does everything around the house. It might make you feel unappreciated. So, say that. “When you come home and assume I will do everything, I feel unappreciated.”

Give your partner a goal post. I once had a marriage and family therapist (yes, we went to marriage counseling and survived) tell me, “Okay, you’ve said what you don’t like and how it makes you feel. What can he do to make it better?” Oh, a novel thought. We aren’t just here to complain about everything the other person is doing wrong? You also want to know what we can do to make it right? “You have to give each other a goal post…someplace to aim his effort to meet your needs,” he said.

Be specific in your expectations. Don’t just say, “I want you to help out more around the house.” What does helping around the house look like in your mind? Taking out the trash three times a week? Switching off nights for baby bathing? Taking turns cooking dinner or doing the dishes? Establishing expectations that are measurable can help improve your relationship.

Don’t move the goal post. Now that you’ve established agreed-upon expectations, make the changes. Give it time to work. Don’t give it a week and then say, “Nope, that’s not good enough. Now I want you to do XYZ, all the time.” That’s moving the goal post. The same wise marriage counselor told us, “Fixing a relationship takes time. After all, it took you guys a while to screw it up.”

Don’t speak in absolutes. “Always” and “never” can be the two, most dangerous words in a marriage. “You NEVER help me.” “You ALWAYS try to tell me what to do.”

Really? *said with a raised eyebrow *I mean, is it true that someone you loved enough to marry has NEVER helped you? Has your partner ALWAYS told you how to do everything in the world? Replace those nasty words with “sometimes” or “often times” or “once in a while.” Better yet, stay focused on the matter at hand: each other’s feelings.

You CAN teach an old dog new tricks. Don’t assume that because you guys were not-so-great arguers in the beginning, you can’t learn to improve the way you communicate with one another. As married couples, we each bring our own baggage to the relationship. Maybe one of you grew up thinking it was normal to dig up bones or cast low blows during an argument. Maybe you never learned how to argue in a healthy way. It took the hubs and me years to fight this well, and guess what? I love him to pieces! But I can guarantee you that when we were first married, we had no idea what we were doing.

Patience, young grasshopper. You’ll learn how to be an awesome arguer too.

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Full Speed Ahead: Supporting an Overachiever Husband (or Wife!)

Posted by on September 28, 2012 at 14:38

Sep 282012

Dani

My husband likes to succeed. He’s a go-getter and an alpha… and what can I say? It’s very attractive. When we started dating, it was one of the things I quickly grew to love about him. He is motivated, ambitious, and driven; and he does it all with self-respect and integrity. But…is there such a thing as too much drive?

When your spouse is always on the go and working toward the next big thing, do you ever wonder where you fit in? I’ll be honest—sometimes I do. I wonder if I’m supporting him, or if I’m just getting in the way. The thing is, I can’t stand to be useless. Instead, I consciously take steps to ensure we are both happy. When he is meeting his goals and I’m feeling like my support is effective, both of us find success and fulfillment.

So what about you? Is your spouse an overachiever? How do you help fuel that tank? Here are a few ideas that I’ve found effective.

Be willing to operate independently. As much as I love doing everything with my hubby, I know that he won’t be able to meet all his goals if we’re attached at the hip. Attaining goals takes hard work and a big time commitment. While your overachiever is out there doing his or her thing, make sure you’re taking care of yourself. It’ll also give him or her less to worry about. Your spouse can reach goals quicker and more efficiently if he or she knows you’re okay and not counting down the minutes until he or she gets home. Make your own goals for your education, profession, or health, and aim to achieve them while your spouse is achieving his or her goals.

Be ready to rein your spouse in sometimes. It’s a fact: sometimes those overachievers need a bit a of a reality check. Whether I’m playing the devil’s advocate or just slowing him down so he doesn’t get too burnt out, I always have my husband’s best interests at heart and I try to make them known to him. After all, it’s quite stressful being an overachiever. Sometimes it’s even as simple as sitting down with my husband and asking him how he plans to achieve his next goal, or what strategies he’ll use. The added benefit of this is that you’ll also be prepared for what is coming. Kind of like prepping for a hurricane, perhaps? Just kidding.

Show your pride and be supportive. When your spouse does something to make you proud, let him or her know! Show it, say it, share it, do whatever it is you do to be outwardly encouraging and supportive. I do this for my husband for whatever the next move, plan, or goal may be…even if it’s just to take a break. I support those, too!

Stay positive. Like many things in marriage, supporting an overachiever spouse isn’t always easy. It can be overwhelming, aggravating, and even tiresome at times. That’s why we supporters must keep a positive attitude. I try my best to stay focused and be self-motivated, and that’s easier to do when I know we’re both putting in the effort to make things happen. It’s a two-way street, and we aren’t going to get anywhere with a negative attitude.

So is there such a thing as too much drive? In my opinion: no, not really. There are ways to help fuel an overachiever spouse and incorporate needs for both of you into a relationship. It helps to agree on mutual goals, be open to new ideas and opportunities, and take a few minutes each week to make sure things are in perspective. You’ll both feel like you’re on the road to success!

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“Wait” is Not a Dirty Word

Posted by on September 17, 2012 at 15:54

Sep 172012

Dani

“Waiting.” It’s really not a dirty word. No. Really. It isn’t. Waiting implies…caution. It implies thinking something through before committing. It even implies patience, expectance, and looking forward to what is next.

As a military family, there are certain pressures we face, ranging from deployments to frequent moves to… starting a family? Whether it’s self-imposed or from peers and society, the pressure to have kids now is something military spouses face more frequently than our civilian counterparts. Many military spouses tend to start their families at a younger age. But what about the minority of us who have decided to wait?

My husband didn’t join the military until he was twenty-one years old, and I didn’t meet him until after his military occupational specialty school. Since I’m a year older than him as it is, we’re a few years older than a lot of our military peers. And my-oh-my, what a difference a few years makes in military life!

So many of our friends have young children that sometimes we feel a little left out. Especially when couples give us that incredulous look that says, “You don’t have kids yet?” Or worse yet, I once had a doctor on a military installation ask me if I had children or if I was trying to get pregnant. When I told her, “No, not yet,” she turned around sharply and said, “Why not?!”

“We’re waiting,” was all I replied, despite the fact that she hurt my overly sensitive feelings. I just didn’t understand. Back home where I’m from, none of my friends were even remotely ready for babies yet. Half of them weren’t even engaged or married. So why was “waiting” so wrong?

Well, it may have taken me a few years to come ’round to it, after some reflecting with my husband and seeking the advice of close friends (both within and outside military life). But, I know now that waiting is not wrong, not bad, and certainly not a dirty word! Here are some of the many reasons why we decided to “wait” to have kids:

waiting until we’re financially stable
waiting until the time is right between moves, deployments, etc…
waiting until we’re older and more mature
waiting until we have progressed in our careers
waiting until we are emotionally and psychologically ready
waiting until we accomplish life goals, like education and travel
waiting until we have more confidence that we will be a great parents
waiting until we’ve had plenty of quality time as a couple

Our main reasons for waiting are financial stability, timing, and selfishness. Being financially stable is the biggest reason for us as a couple. We want to be able to provide certain things for our children, and we want to feel confident that we’ll be able to do that before we get pregnant. That’s why we place so much importance on our careers! We’re focusing on work now so we can play later.

While timing seems pretty obvious, it just never seems to be right. Finding the “right time” for babies is an important decision. For us, timing not only involves where we are in our careers and life goals, but also where we are in my husband’s military cycle. Will be he be deploying soon? Should we wait until he returns home? Will we be PCSing soon? How long will we be stationed there? All these questions have factored into our decision to wait, in some way or another.

Lastly, we’re selfish.

There. It’s out there. Selfishness is the third reason why we are waiting to have children. If I asked my husband, he might deny it at first, but I’m pretty sure he would eventually agree. We both enjoy our time together more than anything. We cherish sleeping in on Saturdays, road trips without car seats, and going grocery shopping for all things not diapers. We love our life as it is now.

In the end though, the truth is that we are so excited to have kids. I know my husband and I will be rock star parents when we are finally ready, and that’s what gets me past the times when others make me question our decision to wait. The quality time we have together now, before kids, will make us stronger parents in the long run… ready to tackle the world!

Oh, and don’t forget that just because we may not be ready for our own kids yet, it doesn’t mean we don’t love your kids. We want to be invited to your kid-friendly events. Where else am I going to get ideas for my future baby’s birthday party?

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Managing Your Inner Worry Wart

Posted by on September 12, 2012 at 08:00

Sep 122012

Cassie

True story. My son’s bus was rear ended on the way to school last week. (He’s fine, and so are the other kids.) I paced from the minute they called me to tell me he was hit until the minute I heard his voice, calling me to tell me he was, in fact, fine. I already told you that I worried my little head off when Frick went off to school. I once stressed myself so badly about flying cross-country before a hurricane hit that I gave myself a panic attack on a plane, which was awesome (ugh). Oh yeah, guys. I worry. I’m a pro.

I’ll always have things that freak me out, that cause me to pace or pick at my nails, or that cause me to feel like the world just may end. We all will. I’ve learned to deal with situations as they arise. It’s not like they’re going away. Here’s how I maintain my sanity.

Don’t sit there and worry your head off. Seriously. Don’t. The worst thing you can do when you’re worried is sit (or pace) and think about all the possible worst-case scenarios. Is it healthy to think about the problem? Sure. You can’t bury your head in the sand every time something goes wrong. But keeping your mind singularly focused on how bad things could be doesn’t help either. Okay, so what do I do in those situations?

I get moving. Last week, while waiting to see my son in person after the bus incident, I got off the couch. I took a shower. I went to the store (with my phone glued to my hand, of course). I grabbed an iced coffee and talked to a girlfriend about *her* problems. Before I knew it, I was at Frack’s football practice and saw that he was, in fact, fine.
I write. It’s cathartic for me to pour my thoughts into a story. I get it out of my system and move on. Sometimes I write about something completely unrelated. I keep a list of potential topics on a sticky note near my computer and cover them when I have time.
I throw myself into work. Work requires thought. If I’m focused on spreadsheets, databases, blogs, social media, or whatever it is I’m working on, I’m not thinking about how Frick, my oldest son, has wandered off to high school to leave me forever.
I clean. It’s also cathartic, with the added bonus of fewer chores when the stress is over. Sweet!
I sweat it out. It’s not a secret that exercise releases healthy goodness into your system. It relieves stress. It clears your mind. It just makes you feel better. If you still look pretty after, you aren’t doing it right.

Keep things in perspective. Do you remember a while back when I told you about the saying, “nobody died?” It’s so true! Frack had an owie, not an injury, from the bus accident. (Apparently he ate the seat in front of him, which is better than the kid next to him who did an unfortunate face plant into his open trumpet case. Ouch.) Frick comes home every night from school—he hasn’t left me yet. My plane was not sucked into a hurricane and landed safely before the storm was anywhere near me. Nobody died.

One way I remind myself that things aren’t as bad as they seem is to think about people I’ve met along life’s journey who have faced overwhelming challenges, yet still have the most uplifting spirits. Lesser people may have crumbled, but these folks embrace these challenges and grow from them. I want to be like *them* when I grow up. Life is one big challenge, with smaller challenges woven in. When I am ninety, sitting on the front porch in a rocking chair with the hubby by my side, I want to know that I’ve lived life the healthiest, fullest way I know how. One way I can do that is learning to deal well with stress. How do *you* chill out? Leave your answers below or on Facebook!

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Strengthening the Home Team

Posted by on September 7, 2012 at 08:00

Sep 072012

Kristi

It’s a widely known but rarely understood fact that no one likes cleaning. Seriously, no one, I’m a clean freak and I can list 100 things I’d rather do than clean a toilet. If I’m wrong and someone out there actually enjoys folding laundry, washing dishes, and scrubbing the bathroom, I will gladly eat my words and invite this cleaning machine to my house for all the scrubbing and dusting they can handle!

I firmly believe that I’m not the only one in this house who makes messes, so I certainly shouldn’t be the only one cleaning up. I’m not confident that this has sunk in with my toddler, but I like to think I have better odds explaining my theory to my husband.

But the plot thickens…

When I recruit my husband to pitch in around the house, I don’t want the task done his way, I want it done my way—the right way, as I often say (and to which my husband often rolls his eyes). So teamwork in the name of housework isn’t something that comes easily in our house. Instead of a job well done and a celebratory high five over a perfectly folded pile of laundry, here’s what usually plays out at our house:

Things need to be done. I “know” the best way to do them, so I do them without asking for help.
I wear myself out juggling cooking, cleaning, working, letting the dog in and out of the back door 400 times a day, and shaping my wild child into a little gentleman genius.
While jumping from one task to another I catch sight of my husband relaxing on the couch, or as like to call it, the danger zone.
Without fail, I snap at my husband for what seems like an unfair balance of the household dirty work.

Is the snap justified? Your answer probably depends on what side of that situation you tend to relate to. My husband hasn’t really done anything wrong beyond his not so proactive approach to housework. I didn’t ask him to do anything, and I know good and well that no one in their right mind would jump of the couch and beg to clean every window in the house. Justified or not, I am offering a bit of unsolicited advice in the name of keeping the peace at your house and mine:

If you see something that needs to be done, just do it.
If you’re doing nothing and your spouse looks a little…well…overworked, PITCH IN! It might not be fun, and you might be tired, but your spouse is tired too and is having even less fun that you are at the moment.

My husband and I, and chances are you and your spouse, could use a little reminder about the basics of teamwork. Your definition of teamwork may vary slightly from mine, but I like to think that it means supporting each other even through situations that are less than exciting. It means picking up the slack when your teammate is exhausted, overworked, sick, or just sick of repeating a monotonous task.

At our house, we’re well aware of our faults. My husband knows he needs to be more proactive and present when I’m bending over backwards trying to keep this house running smoothly. The idea is that in doing this I won’t get so frustrated when I have to take time to explain what I need him to do and how to do it every single time, or worse, catch him twiddling his thumbs while I’m doing twelve jobs at once.

And, I have my faults too. I know that I can’t expect that my husband will do things the exact way that I would. That doesn’t mean his way is wrong. (This may be the hardest couple of sentences a stubborn girl like me has ever written.) As long as he is making an effort and pitching in, I can’t rightly get irritated. I’m learning more and more that things don’t have to be cleaned perfectly as long as they’re cleaned. Dishes and windows will get dirty again (especially in this house), light bulbs will need replacing again, and babies will always have diapers to change. Keeping a house a home is a process, and every dirty dish is just an opportunity to strengthen the home team!

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A New Milspouse Perspective: Care Package 101

Posted by on September 6, 2012 at 06:45

Sep 062012

Dani

Deployment. Ugh. The dreaded d-word. All I could think when I found out my love would be deploying was, “How will I get through this?!” I just didn’t know how I would function without him. I didn’t know how I would be able to support him when he was halfway around the world. Enter: The Care Package. I chose to channel all of my energy, sadness, support, and love into these packages. I tried to picture myself over there and thought about how nice it would be to receive mail. But not just any mail— a big ol’ box filled with fun goodies, snacks, and things to make life away from home a little easier. So I started to get creative.

The thing was, I learned all of these lessons during our first deployment when I was a newbie to military life. I had no idea where to start, what to send, or how to send it. I want to share with you some of the basic, newbie questions I had and the answers I stumbled upon along the way.

How soon after he deploys can I send a care package?

Although you may receive his address before he leaves, I found it best to wait for word from your service member or family readiness group. That’s not to say you can’t get them ready to go in the first few weeks after he leaves! Do this to save time later. Branch of Service, deployment location, and how long it takes for his unit to get there impact how long you will have to wait before you can send (and he will receive) your packages.

How often should I send a care package?

It really depends on your service member’s needs. I had friends who sent one or two care packages per week, and whose parents and grandparents sent them just as frequently! I, personally, have always sent one a month. My love was on foot the majority of his deployments, and never stayed in one place for very long. For this reason, he asked me not to send them too often because anything I sent, he had to carry. Between his family’s packages and mine, he received about two to three a month. For him, this was perfect. Talk to your service member to find out his or her preferences.

What should I include in my package?

This really depends on where your service member will be and what his or her job is. These are some items that work well no matter what the job:

letters of support
pictures of family and friends
reminders from home
baby wipes
socks
beef jerky
hot sauce
dried fruit and nuts
seasoning salt
hard candy
powdered drink mix
chewing gum
assorted batteries
PT gear
holiday-specific items
personal hygiene gear, like disposable razors, toothbrushes, and toothpaste

Is there anything I shouldn’t send?

anything that melts (like chocolate or softer candy)
hand sanitizer (it makes mud—send baby wipes instead)
carbonated beverages or aerosol cans (they may explode in transit)
alcohol of any sort
pornography of any sort

Where should I shop for care package supplies?

First stop— the dollar store! They have so many great items for a dollar. I like to save on food and hygiene items here, and splurge on things like books, DVDs, or electronics elsewhere. Sometimes it also pays off to get a membership to a wholesale or warehouse store. You can buy in bulk and ship things a little at a time throughout the deployment.

How can I make my package special?

Get creative! Create a theme for your package and include all kinds of items associated with that theme. It can be focused on a holiday, an occasion, or even just something fun. Examples?

Christmas in a Box: decorate the box with wrapping paper and send small decorations, like a tiny tree with lights, tinsel, and plastic ornaments
At the Movies: send a new DVD, a bag or two of popcorn, and movie theater snacks for him to share with his friends
A Taste of Home Sweet Home: his favorite sweets and baked goods sealed and wrapped in shrink wrapped plastic

Ever heard of “cake in a jar?” I sent several jar cakes with different tubs of frosting for his birthday one deployment. What if he can’t watch DVDs? Try recording a mini home movie and putting it on a USB or memory card for him to plug into his computer or camera to watch on his own. When it comes to putting together care package boxes, remember to think outside that box!

What do I send everything in?

Your best bet, by far, is to ship everything in a flat rate box from the United States Postal Service (USPS). You can pick them up at your local post office or order the boxes online, along with priority mail labels and customs forms. The best part? The boxes are free! A large Priority APO/FPO/DPO flat rate box going to a military address overseas only costs $12.95, and because it’s priority mail the packages are more safe and secured.

What’s the deal with customs forms?

Customs forms have to be filled out with every package you send. I recommend going into your post office and asking them to walk you through your first one, because for me it was kind of complicated! Make sure you press down firmly when filling it out, because the forms are six carbon pages thick. Use your service member’s exact address. Fill out everything you’re able to, including a detailed description of the contents and your signature. Make sure you allow some extra time for this! I tried to fill mine out at home before going in to ship them. The post office will fill out the total weight for you, so don’t worry about that part. Then they’ll stamp it, give you a copy, and you’ll be good to go!

How long will it take my care package to arrive?

It totally depends on where your service member is deployed and on his or her job. It can take anywhere from one week to two months! Since my husband was on foot most of his deployments, he would have to wait until he got back to the station to collect his packages. Sometimes he couldn’t get back for over a month! Keep this in mind when shipping boxes with holiday themes.

Care packages are a great way to send some love and support to your service member. Communicate as much as you can to make sure you’re sending the things he or she needs and not just the things you want to send. Above all— have fun with them!

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