Maybe I’m just a hopeless romantic — when I see my husband unloading the dishwasher, my heart is aflutter.
Kristi
OK, so “romantic” might not be the right word. Tired, busy and easily impressed are probably more accurate. Either way, my outlook on marriage has changed considerably from the fairy tale days. And this is not one of those lowering-the-bar scenarios — it’s very much a happily ever after, you just have to be able to recognize what real-life happy looks like.
Messages from childhood hint that Prince Charming should scale castle walls for us. We should be showered with love notes, serenades and public displays of affection. Love was supposed to look like grand gestures, big plans and 24/7 googly eyes. If I saw my husband scaling a wall, I’d be the first one dialing 911 — now that is love.
Marriage in the military isn’t free of those lovey-dovey things — deployment letters are by far the most romantic thing in the world. And, I still look googly-eyed at my husband (then he asks me if I feel OK, and we have a good laugh). Seriously, though, I’ve come to realize that showing love and feeling loved is all about the little things. In this life of sudden changes and strange hours, the little things are much more dependable than the grand gesture.
How do I know? Experience:
- First year of marriage — We lived apart more than we lived together thanks to training and a deployment.
- First wedding anniversary — I celebrated around a hibachi table with my deployment buddies, while my husband sat in Iraq.
- First deployment homecoming — After I spent six months waiting and days getting ready, it was postponed the day of.
- Honeymoon — We had a perfectly wonderful time in Jamaica, 18 months and one deployment after our wedding.
- First Thanksgiving together in our own home — I cooked for those same deployment buddies, then treated my pregnant self to a second, reheated dinner in the ready room with my Marine.
- Second deployment send off — Instead of waving American flags until my husband was out of sight, his dates shifted. He waved goodbye to our son and me since our travel plans were already set.
- So many date nights I lost count — Our babysitters and a very understanding Nana can verify that dates and times tend to slide to the right.
- Mom’s night out — I am a perpetual “maybe” while I wait for the duty and flight schedules.
- Soccer games, swimming lessons, weddings, parties, etc. — I’m a pretty safe bet, and call it a happy accident if I can RSVP for two.
When my husband comes home to announce a schedule change that will cancel or change our plans, I now usually reply with, “Of course,” or “I figured.”
But, do you know what is always a safe bet? The little things —after almost seven years of marriage, we’ve (mostly) figured out the way to each other’s hearts. My husband knows that helping me around the house or offering to take my son to school makes my day a little less chaotic (and makes me a more pleasant human being). A little help goes a long way to making me feel like I’m living my own version of a fairy tale. Those happily-ever-after endings failed to mention how much that princess would come to appreciate an uninterrupted 4-minute shower — but it can do wonders for a tired mom.
It’s easy to overlook these little acts of love — maybe even expect them. Sometimes I have to slow down and remind myself what we’re doing for each other:
- Hanging with the kids so the other can go for a run
- Hanging with the kids so the other can do literally anything else alone and in a reasonable amount of time
- Watching a movie or an entire season of a TV show together
- Discussing said movie or show when it’s over — this makes my English degree shine a little brighter in its frame…in that box…in the back corner of that closet
- Going for walks together
- Pitching in around the house
- Talking — about nothing, about everything
- Remembering to return driver’s seats to the right position after driving each other’s car
- Picking up dinner or pretending to be OK with another cereal or leftover night
If I could give a little piece of advice to newlywed military couples, it would be this: Keep your expectations for happiness high, but remember that good things come in small packages. Big plans change (constantly), so make the little things a big priority.