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Military Family Life: Turning Challenges Into Advantages

Posted by Blog Brigade on October 19, 2016 at 13:54

Oct 192016

blogbrigade-militaryfamilylife-21september2016

Julie

Our military life experience – with the frequent moves, deployments and making family and home from new surroundings – provides us with many opportunities to raise healthy and safe children. We rise to challenges by turning them into advantages on a daily basis, and we’ve got great resources for support. If you’re part of a military family you may be giving me the skeptical stink-eye as you read this, but hang with me for a minute.

We are our children’s first teachers. What they grow up seeing, hearing and knowing as normal comes from our homes, expressions, interactions and lifestyle. Your children are growing up watching you meet challenges head on and then turn them into opportunities.

So, let’s make sure we use our military life experiences and resources to lend advantages to our children’s physical and mental health, as well as their safety.

Use your experience and military resources to teach your children about nutrition and exercise and practice it with them

Take advantage of the military physical fitness requirements and teach your kids what you need to do to stay in shape. Work out together at home or at your installation’s fitness center and see how many reps your kids can do. Keep track of their reps on the refrigerator for motivation to try to improve.
Use this Military OneSource article, “5210 Healthy Military Children” for a daily health guide that’s easy for kids to remember. Each day eat five or more fruits and veggies, have two or fewer hours of screen time, do one hour or more of physical activity and have 0 sugary drinks.
Enjoy an outdoor adventure through Morale, Welfare and Recreation, or MWR. Join a team sport or look up the youth and teen programs for other fun physical activities.

Make exercise a fun part of life by wrapping it into a trip to the park. Find a park they enjoy and walk, jog, ride bikes, skateboard, etc. to the park, play and return. Show your children the importance of maintenance and prevention by keeping your family on a yearly schedule for health physicals, eye exams and biannual dental cleanings.

Mental and emotional health is as important as physical health
Every child deserves to feel safe and loved at home. Building strong family bonds provides that safety net for your children. You help your children develop coping skills and flexibility every time you prep for and go through a PCS or deployment. That is how you turn the moves and separations into healthy advantages — by helping them learn to problem solve through the challenges and find joy in the growth.

Turning challenges into advantages is what makes military families so resilient. Here are some ideas for you to try and some you may already be doing to increase your child’s mental and emotional health.

Build in family bonding time before deployments. Combine teamwork with physical activity for fun memories: rake leaves (add in extra time for jumping into the piles of leaves), plant a flowerbed, or paint a room for a more permanent reminder of the fun.
Team up one-on-one with each child to do chores. Kids tend to open up a bit more when working beside you and focusing on a task. Take these moments to listen. Guide them in problem solving challenges and calming any fears.
Reverse trick-or-treat can help reduce some stress. When your spouse is deployed and you’re in single parent mode, reverse trick-or-treating (on Halloween or a modified version anytime) allows you to spread the candy joy while you walk (since you can’t be in two places at once). Let the kids help hand it out in between their doorbell runs.

When it’s PCS time for you children or for a new family near you, it’s the perfect opportunity to talk with your children about having empathy for others and treating them with respect

Ask your children if they have any concerns about your move. They may be worried about making new friends or missing their current friends. Have your child think of things he or she can do to keep in touch with their current friends and what they can do to make new friends. With a little guidance from you, they’ll feel more prepared.
Discuss how it feels to be the new kid. Being part of the military community means helping others in the same situation. Ask them to think of ways they can help others.
Model the behavior you want to see in your children. Let them see you do random acts of kindness, and have them help you decide what to do and who to surprise.
Look for ways to help other families mutually. My friends and I would help each other out when our spouses deployed. From hosting dinners where the kids played and we got to enjoy (somewhat) uninterrupted adult conversation, to watching each other’s kids so we could grocery shop without little hands “helping.” We also helped each other with home improvement projects since most of them require more than two hands to accomplish.

Military kids are more resilient, healthier and happier people because their “normal” includes meeting challenges and seeing them as opportunities. You may not even realize all the amazing things you are already doing for you and your family just by raising your children in the military community.

3 Ways to Make a Difference for a Friend in an Abusive Relationship

Posted by Blog Brigade on October 19, 2016 at 12:11

Oct 192016

I’m not a counselor, police officer or professional bouncer. So, how can I make a difference for a friend or family member that may be in an abusive relationship? Have you wondered the same

Julie

thing? I found myself asking that question when a dear friend of mine confided that her husband was abusing her.

As she and I remembered those days recently, she revealed some things I didn’t realize at the time such as some of the things that friends and family did that hurt her and delayed her seeking help. She also shared with me the three positive things that made the biggest difference in her life: friends and family who listened, supported and stood up for her and with her. I asked her permission to share her truths with you, and she was quick to offer to help spread the word that we all can provide hope and help with a few simple acts of kindness.

Barriers

The abuse started out as mental and emotional control. Later on, this mental and emotional abuse grew into physical violence, and she admitted that she sometimes fought back. She knew it wasn’t healthy, especially when she saw the fear in her child’s eyes. She said she loved her husband, and just wanted the violence to stop. Other things that kept her from seeking help or ending the relationship:

Religious pressure to keep the family intact
Embarrassment that she was in the situation
Low self-esteem made worse by the judgement and criticism of family and her religious community
Justification — she was unsure if extreme jealously was love or abuse at first — and her husband’s remorse, and promises that it would never happen again
Her child needing a father, and fear of being a single parent
House and finances — fear of a reduced income and needing to live on her own

How to make a difference

She said that the most important things people did for her were to listen, support and stand up for and with her. We talked a lot about what these three acts included. Here’s how to make a difference:

Listen actively to what your friend says and what they don’t say. Ask questions, but don’t criticize or judge them. My friend said it wasn’t until a friend listened to what she had been going through and confirmed it was abuse that she admitted it to herself. That was a pivotal moment for her where she began seeking help.

Support a friend by being there. It can be difficult for victims to come forward and confide in someone, so make sure your friend knows you are a safe place for them (and you won’t judge them). Check in with your friend and let them know they aren’t alone. Have resources ready in case your friend needs them, like the National Domestic Violence Hotline 800-799-7233 and website thehotline.org. That website has a lot of helpful information for victims and friends on how to help. Find more resources at the bottom of this blog.

Stand up for and with your friend. If each of us takes the time to correct the conversation when we hear victim shaming or blaming, then we can begin to change society’s stigma of abuse and break down one of the barriers that prevent victims from reaching out for help. Stand with your friend as they work through the details of their life. It’s their life so no one should tell them how to live it. Build them up and remind them that no one deserves abuse. Everyone deserves safe, healthy relationships and love.

Listen, support and stand up for and with victims of abuse, because it’s the right thing to do and because a safer community starts with you.

Learn more about Family Advocacy Program resources on Military OneSource.

How you can help

Prevention

Five Things I Did Wrong at My First Military Ball

Posted by Blog Brigade on October 12, 2016 at 10:36

Oct 122016

I don’t know what dinner is like at your house on a typical Tuesday, but I can tell you that at our house, we dine with a single fork and drink from one glass. But, for one night each year, we all get

Kristi

to class it up at our military ball. Now that you know what dinner is like at my house, you can guess that wearing a gown, using multiple forks and — who am I kidding — even going out after dark, are not my normal (but I not-so-secretly love the fanciness of it all). Even though I now have enough souvenir glasses to make a full set, I remember how nervous I was about attending my first ball. While you prep for your first ball, here are a few lessons learned that will hopefully make your night one to remember for all the right reasons.

Prom gowns are not ball gowns

When I attended my first birthday ball, I was 22. I was fresh out of college and the last time I required formal attire was my senior prom. Unfortunately, during my senior year, dresses with high slits and cut outs were all the rage. Those catwalk trends don’t necessarily have a place at a formal, traditional military ball.

Someone, somewhere once said, “Dress how you want to be addressed.” I don’t know about you, but I want to be addressed with respect. So, I avoid dresses that are too revealing, whether for lack of fabric or lack of breathing room.

Table manners are for sharing

I was fortunate to go through etiquette training, but it’s sort of a dying art in this age of slang and selfies. If you know which fork to use or which glass is yours, set the example for your table. If you think a formal place setting is like seeing all the pieces for you-assemble-it furniture (you aren’t sure what everything is for, and you’re pretty sure you’re going to have leftover pieces), take cues from others seated at your table. You’ll probably be able to follow their lead and avoid having to ask.

Here are a few basics to get you started:

When to start — Every year, someone asks the same silly question, “Can we start eating?” Don’t start (even cutting) until everyone at your table is served.
Silverware — I was taught to start at the outside and work your way toward the plate. So, your salad fork is first.
Dishes — Your drink is on the right and your bread plate is on the left.
Napkin — It goes on your lap. If you have to leave the table during dinner, the napkin stays on your chair until you return.
Conversation —Don’t talk with your mouth full.

The speaker doesn’t care how hungry you are

The guest speaker could present for as short as 10 minutes or as long as 50 minutes. Before you arrive at the ball, have a quick snack to hold you over until dinner. I remember being so busy getting ready for my first ball that I missed lunch. So, you can just imagine how hungry I was when I received my plate. Now, that I anticipate the wait, the guest of honor’s speech is one of my favorite parts of the ceremony.

Audience participation is required

Once the ceremony starts, there will be standing, sitting, head bowing, heart-crossing, clapping and toasting. We’re expected to attentively follow along and be respectful.

Standing for a long period of time requires a disclaimer: Do not lock your knees. I’ve seen a young Marine in the sword detail fall to the ground during the ceremony because he locked his knees while standing at attention. It can happen to any of us.

Speaking of attention, your service member will likely be at attention for the majority of the standing portion of the ceremony, so don’t try to be sweet and hold hands. And, while he or she is at attention, you are not — you can discretely adjust your stance or footing while you stand. Don’t forget, when the National Anthem plays, you can move your hand to your heart.

Ball night is not date night

If you’re like me and you have kids, you’re thinking, “I have a sitter, so it’s date night.” But, just because it’s a night out, doesn’t mean it’s a date night. You’re attending a work function for your service member. Your date’s focus is likely going to be interacting with colleagues, following protocol, or he or she may even have a ball-related duty to perform. After attending 10 balls, I’ve probably spent more time flying solo than with my husband. It’s nothing to get cranky about, it’s just the way it works.

Live in the moment

When you’re feeling like a million bucks at the ball this year, help set the tone for your table and the ball as a whole. Enjoy being part of a long-running tradition, and in a world full of selfies and casual flip flops, be proud that you’re part of a community that gets dressed up and goes all out every once in a while.

Well Aware — Know How to React to Domestic Abuse

Posted by Blog Brigade on October 4, 2016 at 14:05

Oct 042016

Kristi

“I don’t know what to say.” I’ve said this more times than I can count, even though I know (from times people have said it to me) that it isn’t the least bit helpful. But in those moments when someone reveals something life-changing, I feel obligated to respond, even if I don’t have a good response, because nothing is scarier than opening up to someone you trust only to be met with a blank stare and the sound of your own confession resonating in the air. You want an answer. You want support. You want encouragement.

We don’t always know the best step forward for someone, and, if we don’t know what resources are out there, it can be hard to direct someone to the right care.

Knowing what to say and what to do

One of the perks of blogging for Military OneSource is I was able to go directly to a valuable resource in the military community, a Family Advocacy Program victim advocate, and ask the questions that could help me — help all of us, really — in a case of domestic abuse. The victim advocate walked me through the steps of how to respond if someone in the military community reaches out to me for support.

After speaking with the victim advocate, I know I should stop whatever else I am doing to give my full attention to the admission of abuse. A personal disclosure like this takes a lot of courage, and I want it to be clear that I’m listening and engaged. Since I’m not a professional, my job is to be supportive and connect the victim to help as quickly as possible, not mediate the situation or give advice that could potentially increase the severity of the abuse.

In an emergency situation, always call 911, but if the situation isn’t urgent, the Family Advocacy Program offers support and resolution in cases of domestic abuse within the military community — this office would be my first suggestion to a domestic abuse victim, but it’s important to know that it isn’t the only option. In any case that isn’t an emergency, you can also point victims to:

Base security — Call your local nonemergency installation security line if the domestic abuse is happening on an installation. (Note: Notifying commanders or law enforcement is considered an Unrestricted Report. This allows the greatest opportunity to use command resources for the safety and support of victims. However, your report will not be confidential.)
Local police — Call your local nonemergency police line if the abuse is happening off the installation.
The service member’s chain of command — You can find this information through your installation directory, a friend or you may already have it on hand.
National Domestic Violence Hotline — Report anonymously at 800-799-7233 or chat online.
Your local domestic violence program or YWCA crisis hotline — Contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline or Military OneSource to find the number.

If you decide to reach out to the Family Advocacy Program or you connect a victim to the program, know that it exists to protect victims of abuse and help military families, not to break them up or get the service member discharged. And, you can find the contact information for your installation’s Family Advocacy Program office on MilitaryINSTALLATIONS — type the program name and your installation for the local phone number and address.

But, just seeing a phone number can be a bit intimidating. It might help a victim of domestic abuse to know who will be on the other end of the line and what will happen after that initial call. So, remember that a call to the Family Advocacy Program is a step toward safety. And, to remove the uncertainty and intimidation, here is exactly what you can expect when you make the call:

Referral — Victims can call, or someone — like a doctor, police officer, counselor, commanding officer or witness — can call for them.
Safety assessment — Give as much information as possible. This is how those helping you know if your life or the lives of those around you are in danger.
Reporting — Victims have two options: restricted or unrestricted reporting. Restricted reporting does not initiate an investigation or notify the victim’s or abuser’s command. This is only an option for adult abuse — not children — and the information can only be shared with a military treatment facility or family advocacy staff. Unrestricted reporting lets victims pursue an official command or criminal investigation, in addition to receiving medical and counseling services. (This is the only reporting option if the service member’s command already knows about the abuse.)
Safety plan — The victim advocate makes a plan that the victim is OK with and runs through it in case of future incidents. This can be anything from avoiding certain scenarios to military or civilian protective orders.
Risk assessment, case management and closure — If you decide to make an unrestricted report, you will continue to work closely with the Family Advocacy Program through interviews, the creation of a treatment plan and progress checks to reach a case closure.

What if I see abuse before I hear about it?

A victim who is ready to seek help is easy to assist. This victim’s eyes are open to the situation, and all this person needs from a friend is support. But, this isn’t always the case. Often there are warning signs long before a victim is ready to make a move toward help. Many victims are:

Belittled, shamed or embarrassed — Listen for phrases like “You can’t do anything right,” name-calling or put-downs. You might also pick up on body language that suggests it’s happening behind closed doors. You might also catch a threatening look, typically right after the victim says or does something.
Jealous of friends and freedom — Look for friends who are always excited to hear about plans, say that they need to check before committing to a plan, and can never make it or flake at the last second.
Discouraged from seeing friends or family, or not allowed to see them at all — Have you seen or heard about this person’s family or friends?
Often not allowed to make decisions on their own — Listen for things like, “Let me ask my spouse first.” This can also apply to money — victims might have to ask permission before spending any amount of money.
Told they are bad parents — You might not always hear this, but offenders can keep control over a victim by threatening harm to the kids or threatening to take them.
Kept from working or attending school — Listen for someone who talks about specific dreams or goals, but has no desire or confidence to follow through.
Pressured to use drugs or alcohol — Look for signs of alcohol abuse or drug use (both prescription and illegal drugs).
Pressured into sexual acts they aren’t comfortable with — Look for body language that suggests pain, discomfort with social touch (like a pat on the back or hug) or self-consciousness.
Intimidated by weapons or destructive behavior — Be tuned in if a pet suddenly goes missing or has an unexplained injury. Look for signs of unrepaired damage around the property.

Domestic abuse doesn’t happen in my home, but statistics show that it could be happening in my neighborhood. And my neighborhood isn’t unique — it’s just like yours. Unfortunately, domestic abuse happens everywhere. If you’ve witnessed a combination of the warning signs above or you see marks of physical abuse, like bruises, burns or cuts, you aren’t wrong to suspect abuse. And knowing how to respond to a victim or suspected abuse may save a life.

Now we all have so much more to say than, “I don’t know what to say.”

How to Talk to Your Kids About World Tragedies

Posted by on September 26, 2016 at 07:00

Sep 262016

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Julie

Bubble wrap ‘em. I’ve wanted to bubble wrap my kids’ hearts, minds and skins on many occasions. That’s what all parents want (right?) — to protect our kids from the hurts, fears and tragedies in the world. I guess packaging them like precious porcelain doesn’t do much for making them resilient human beings even if the image gives us the false sense of keeping them safe. One of the greatest gifts we can give our kids is the knowledge of how to handle tragedies and difficulties in a healthy way. So how do we equip our kids with coping skills when we are still trying to figure that out as adults?

The American Academy of Pediatrics, or AAP, recommends parents and those who work with children act as filters before funneling information of national tragedies and crisis to children. They suggest we present the information in a way the child can understand, cope with and adjust to. Here are five ways to act as filter and guide as you help your children process what happened and build coping skills to see them through life.

1. Check your emotions. Your emotions speak louder than words.

When my kindergartener came home from school on 9/11 she started asking me about why airplanes were flying into buildings and people were jumping out of them. Already emotionally charged from having seen it on the news during my work breaks, I did my best to answer her questions as simply and factually as I could, but I know my emotions weren’t in check. That was confirmed when I asked my daughter (now 20) to remember that day. Mostly, she remembered how mad I was at her teacher for letting the class watch the news coverage. Yikes. Emotions have more hang time in memory.

2. Limit media exposure. Turn it off. Keep exposure to the images, commentary and media’s tragedy-branding theme songs to a minimum.

As adults, we tend to crave the information, and want to know the latest developments. But for our children, all that exposure to the raw images, media frenzy and regurgitation of information isn’t healthy — it forces them to focus on the fear of events instead of how to cope with them. If you do allow your children to watch some of the news coverage, watch it together and use it as a conversation starter. Talking about what happened, the fears the event creates or anything that worries your kids or you is a healthy way to cope with tragedy. Model it and they’ll join the discussion and learn with you.

3. Ask your kids. What did you hear? Do you have any questions? And actively listen to their answers.

Find out what they’ve heard and what their questions are so you know where to start with the information. This can help you find out what their fears are early on and can help you assess what they may need to know in order to help them learn to cope. School shootings were the tragedies that scared my kids the most. It’s something they understand as they go through lock-down drills in school multiple times every year. When you discover their fears, you may be able to help them reframe how they view things. Help them understand the lock-down drills are for safety, just like buckling seat belts. You practice it so when you need it, it’s already in place to keep you safe.

4. Answer their questions. Be direct and honest and stick to answering only what they ask.

There’s no need to overload kids with information. Provide them with the answers they need and ways to cope with the emotions. Let your main message to your children be that it’s OK to be upset by what happened, we’re going through this together and will help each other through it. This is also an opportunity to teach your kids about compassion and empathy. As they tell you how they feel, talk about how you all think others may feel. Take it a step further and discuss how you may be able to help the victims. What is something you can do together to help those suffering? Helping others is another way to cope with the darkness in the world…add in some light.

5. Support when needed. Be there for your children emotionally when they need it.

Model caring and compassion to your children and others, and your children will notice and repeat. After you help them or someone else, explain to your kids how you knew they needed support, what made you decide to act and what to do. Teach them what they can look for in others that will clue them in to someone who may need help. Kids are small, but their hearts and minds are mighty. Give them the power to look for ways and means to help others. Show your kids that being there for someone only takes small acts, but can mean the world to the person in need at that moment.

A little girl in my daughter’s preschool lost her dad during the attack on the USS Cole. Soon after that tragic loss, when my husband would pick up our daughter from preschool, the little girl would always come up to him. Maybe it was his haircut or uniform, but whatever the reason, she just wanted to tell him about her day and other times about her dad. He would take some time to listen and return a hug if she wanted one. Maybe it was her way of feeling close to her dad — a preschooler’s way of getting a message of love through. Whatever it was it seemed to put a smile on her face and helped her at that moment.

Join the conversation. Please share what things helped your kids process and cope with world tragedies.

Avoiding Mealtime Battles With a Toddler

Posted by on September 19, 2016 at 07:00

Sep 192016

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Dani

Mealtime is a big deal in our house. Well, at least for my toddler. If he isn’t fed at 8 a.m., noon, and 5 p.m. on the dot, his world comes to an end. I’m not quite sure how such a tiny human can have this much emotion about food, but mine does. And every meal brings a new adventure in parenting. Will he finger paint with his ketchup? Will he feed his chicken nuggets to the dog? Is it a pancake or a waffle morning? Will he wear a milk mustache, or a yogurt beard? Or will he eat all of his food, even using his utensils, and then ask for seconds?

On this particular evening, it’s 5:26 p.m., post-daycare, and he’s already pretty angry that his dinner is late. Mind you, he’s just about two years old. Tonight I decided to get creative and make him breakfast quesadillas (so easy, just a one-egg omelet sandwiched between a sprinkle of cheddar cheese and flour tortillas on either side) with a side of mild salsa, a sippy cup of whole milk, and a veggie pouch to sneak in some extra greens. At this point I’m more excited about his meal than he is, and I proudly set it down on his high chair and exclaim, “It’s dinnertime, baby!”

He stares at his plate, then back at me. He sticks his finger in the salsa and swirls it around a bit, then looks at me with a half laugh, half smile. Next, he takes his whole hand and slaps the salsa, sending pieces of tomato all over the kitchen. He completely ignores the quesadillas and doesn’t even look at his veggie pouch. I already know what direction this meal is going in.

Fortunately, before I can feel completely defeated, I collect my cool and remember the following tips and tricks I’ve picked up during my tenure as a first-time mommy. Some ideas are from a toddler nutrition class I took when my son first started eating solid foods, others are from friends, and most I just learned along the way.

Eat with him. Like many adults I know, my toddler doesn’t like to eat alone. He prefers eating together, and I don’t blame him. He almost always eats better when we sit down at the table as a family. Some days this isn’t always possible (like pretty much every breakfast as we’re all scrambling to get out the door for work and daycare), but we make a point to at least time our dinners so that we can all eat together. Bonus points if everyone is eating the same food!

Be creative. Offer a healthy selection and variety of food. We try not to overload his plate with too many carbs or similar colors. In fact, don’t overload his plate, period! Smaller portions fare better with toddlers, and it’s good practice to start with less and let them ask for more. It also saves you the headache of throwing out good food that becomes inedible after taking a dunk in applesauce (or salsa). To get creative, serve food in different ways. For example, tonight my toddler wouldn’t eat his quesadilla in little triangles. Instead, I cut it up into smaller pieces and gave him a fork so he could stab it and dip it in his salsa. Winning!

Be patient. Staying positive is key when training our mini-mes to become good, healthy, confident eaters. Never associate mealtime with negative feelings, forcing your child to eat, or punishment. Even when I’m the one who wants to flip his plate upside down during a mealtime tantrum, I do my best to stay on point and gently coax him to “eat up, it’s yummy!” If he isn’t hungry, he isn’t hungry. It’s not the end of the world!

Listen to and look for his cues. Some days they’ll eat everything in sight, other days they won’t take a bite. The child nutrition class I attended explained that this is normal and expected. At this young age, the whole of what a toddler eats in a week is more important than what a toddler eats in a day. You know your child best, so watch his or her cues for when they’re telling you they are hungry or full. This is the ultimate mealtime tantrum saver.

Don’t give up. Don’t let one meal, several meals, or even a week’s worth of disappointing toddler meal times get you down. Toddlers can be fussy, fickle and are really just trying to figure this whole “eating” thing out. Keep trying new foods, keep your cool, and stay positive. Soon your little one will be tantrum-free and enjoying new foods and the wonderful family time that happens around the table!

Everyone’s a Planner

Posted by on September 12, 2016 at 07:00

Sep 122016

BlogBrigade-EveryonesAPlanner-post-23August2016

Kristi

Being an adult is pretty cool when you consider that no one will stop me from eating cake for breakfast, I can drive myself places and I can stay up as late as I want. This, by the way, is my oldest child’s impression of adulthood. I’ll let him believe it’s all sunshine and lollipops for now. But us adults know that cake for breakfast means a sugar crash and “hangriness” well before lunch, driving means you aren’t allowed to nap in the car anymore and staying up late is never a good idea when the alarm goes off the next morning.

I don’t know the exact moment I first felt like an adult — probably somewhere around having to pay rent the first time and starting my first real job as a teacher. It snowballed from there. That first year of teaching I had to participate in a mandatory staff training that explained what I was expected to do in an active-shooter situation. Adulthood gets pretty real at that point.

I am so incredibly thankful that I never had to prove my understanding of the active-shooter procedure. But never using that training doesn’t mean it was a waste of time. It was terrifying, but after it I was better equipped to protect myself and my class full of eighth graders. Preparation in and of itself is scary because you’re preparing for the worst-case scenario. We hope we’ll never need it, but its best to prepare for anything you can.

Where to start

We are at a slight disadvantage in the military community because with each move we can be vulnerable to an unfamiliar disaster. I grew up watching hurricanes float right toward my stretch of coastline. That no longer freaks me out. Someone new to a coastal area could easily get wrapped up in the hype on TV, buy an overpriced generator and batten down the hatches only to watch that hurricane float right on by. But, some things are universal. We can always have basic supplies on hand (in an easily accessible location) that prove useful in a disaster situation:

Flashlights
Extra batteries
Important documents (in a waterproof and fireproof safe)
First aid kit
Basic tools
Fire extinguisher
Basic hygiene products
Matches in a waterproof container
Emergency contact numbers and numbers of family, friends and neighbors (cell phone batteries might not hold out, and you could be without all your stored numbers)

And, while it might not be convenient to keep the rest of these stashed at home, make sure you’re never completely out of:

Diapers, wipes and formula if you have an infant
Pet food
Gas in your car
Disinfecting cleaner
Prescription medications

If you have the advantage of fair warning before a disaster, take the time to stock up on water, nonperishable foods and gas in your car before the shelves of the store are bare. Find a complete list of what to include in your disaster kit at Ready.gov.

Plan it, practice it

My 3-year old came home on Friday and told me, “Mommy, I did a fire drill!” She’s been in preschool for three weeks, and they’re preparing her for an emergency. I think it sunk in with her. When my husband and I asked her what she’s supposed to do in a fire, she said: Be quiet, listen to teacher and go outside.

I was happy to learn that her school prepares for emergencies. But, it made my stomach sink a little — like I just remembered something I was supposed to do months ago. We’ve been in our current house, deep in the heart of fire country in California, for more than a year. But, we’ve never once talked to our kids about what to do in case of a fire. They know about the smoke alarms (and they’ve heard them go off many a time while mommy cooks), and they know that we would have to get out fast. But, we owe it to the kids to let them in on the specific plan and walk them through the steps.

Everyone is more confident in a real-life scenario when they have some practice under their belts. And, you never know, in walking through the plan, you may discover a flaw that you can address and avoid it happening when every minute counts.

It’s also possible that a disaster could occur while your family is spread out — at work and school. For this reason, plan ahead with an emergency communication plan. You’ll be able to easily get in touch with your loved ones, check for everyone’s safety and coordinate to get to a safe place together.

Know your threats

The more you know about something that threatens you, the better you can defend yourself. Use the information on Ready.gov for droughts, floods, fires, hurricanes, tornados, earthquakes, household chemical emergencies, power outages and much more to familiarize yourself when you get to a new area or to jog your memory once in a while.

Stay informed, be ready and carry on

We know from life in the military that we don’t always get ample warning. For those instances where you can see disaster coming, heed the warnings. Listen to weather reports, evacuation orders and instructions from your installation or unit for before, during and after a disaster.

And for the unfortunate times that we must simply react to because they happen without warning, be smart as you rebuild. Get support from emergency services, like the Red Cross if it’s available or reach out to your installation for support. Recognize your vulnerability after a disaster, and be careful of scams looking to take advantage of your distracted state as you rebuild. If you have children, remember that they might not be working with all the facts — parents do, after all, try to protect their kids from scary details as much as possible. Be patient and attentive, and look for signs of stress in those little bodies. Remember that they’ve been through a lot, just as you have. Support each other, listen to each other and hug each other a little tighter knowing you’re safe thanks to your careful preparation. And, when everything is back to normal, you can celebrate your safety with some breakfast cake — you’ve earned it.

Hypothetical Parties, Guppies and You

Posted by on September 5, 2016 at 07:00

Sep 052016

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Kristi

You’re invited to a get-together Saturday afternoon. It sounds like fun. It’s at the restaurant you’ve been wanting to try. And, as luck would have it, you’re free on Saturday! The only catch is that you don’t know anyone who will be there for reasons I’ll leave open to your imagination. Maybe you just moved to the fictional land in this scenario, maybe you run in different circles, maybe work and shuttling kids around keeps you in your own lane six days a week or maybe you are just seeing the light of day for the first time in months since your baby was born — your hypothetical, your choice.

Even for the socially gifted, this is not an ideal scenario because parties, meetings, work, school, volunteering or pretty much anything else is a little less scary when you know someone else who will be there. It’s that safety-in-numbers thing that’s engrained in our brains from an early age.

If you’re an introvert, or you’re shy, or you just feel awkward in new social situations, you might flake on this thing on Saturday. It’s hard to face something alone; it makes you vulnerable — I wouldn’t fault you for making that call. In fact, I’m the flaker in that scenario. I’m almost always awkward the first time anyone meets me — I can’t say for sure if that’s how it comes off, but I feel that way. I’ve just never been one to float seamlessly into a conversation. No, walking up to a group of strangers makes me feel like I have a flashing neon sign over my head that says, “One of these things is not like the other.” No thanks, I’d rather stay home than stand around checking my phone, trying to look important in between telling the same condensed story of my life to strangers.

Let’s say the exact same get-together is happening on the same Saturday (and, we’ve already established that you’re free), but your neighbor who’s made you feel welcome since the day you moved in is also going. A party full of strangers doesn’t scare me at all if I have a wingman. Awkward pauses don’t happen and judging my what I can tell of my own body language, I probably look more approachable.

Swap this hypothetical party out with almost any other situation, and you get the same result. No matter where we are or what the situation, we are stronger when we band together. When we, as military spouses, or a military community as a whole, choose to be inclusive and support each other instead of nitpicking and judging each other, we are a strong unit, a total force. We are a school of fish that can fend off the toothiest of sharks instead of fragile guppies swimming along solo.

I don’t want to be a guppy. I want to feel empowered swimming along next to equally empowered fish. Empowered fish are strong, confident and they look out for their own. So, to swim in this school of positive, empowered fish, there are a few ground rules:

Squash conversations that only exist to cut people down. It sounds heroic, but anyone can change the subject. You don’t have to publicly shame anyone, just refuse to talk about other people negatively.
Introduce yourself. Greet your new neighbor or the mom at the park who looks like she’s having one of those days.
Have one face. Nothing brings back high school like the term “two-faced,” but it applies here as well. I said it years ago in a blog somewhere here on Blog Brigade, the military community is a small town. So stick to one face, and make it a good one because it will get stuck like that.
Be inclusive. Look, I’m not saying you need to invite everyone to everything. I don’t want to feed the entire neighborhood dinner either. But, be inclusive when it’s necessary. When there’s a new family on the block, extend an invitation. When you know someone doesn’t have any plans or family in town for a holiday, remember: the more, the merrier.
Be civil. Like number four, we know at this point in our lives that we aren’t going to be friends with everyone. For whatever reason, some people don’t mesh — it’s nothing to lose sleep over. Not meshing is one thing, being rude is another. Let’s exchange some mutual respect and continue to coexist like civilized adults.
Encourage where encouragement is due. It doesn’t matter how busy I am; I can pick up on signs of stress in another person. As much as I like to stick to my own schedule, I will always detour for someone who needs to talk. I can be a couple minutes late if someone needs a hand. Humans trump schedule.
Give up grudges. Apologize, accept apologies and move on.
Participate in the network. The military community is full of talent and, in a weird second-cousin-twice-removed kind of way, we are all connected. It’s easy to get wrapped up in competing — wanting to be the best in your field of expertise, wanting to have the last word or the best social scene. It’s far more beneficial to be a team player and support each other on our journeys than it is to keep our heads down and go it alone.

Vulnerable isn’t a popular feeling — people tend to dislike it. I’ve been the new kid on the block, so have you. I’ve made abrupt 90-degree turns, like recently deciding to head to grad school to pursue something that seemed ridiculous even a year ago. What encouraged me? It was a supportive network, an empowered group that didn’t say judgmental things, like “How are you going to have time for that,” or even the slyly condescending, “Oh, I sure wouldn’t want to do that, but good for you.” No, success, positivity and ambition are contagious. My recent decision was met with comments, like “I’m so excited for you,” and questions from people who genuinely showed interest.

So, don’t be shy. Spread it around. Be a friend. Be a cheerleader. Let’s have more “You go girl (or boy),” and less eye rolling. And let’s not wait around for someone else to be the bigger person, we can handle that.

The Real Deployment Cycle

Posted by on August 29, 2016 at 07:00

Aug 292016

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Kristi

Welcome to deployment — be it your first or 50th (bless your resilient heart), you are in the company of some extremely strong stock. Deployment isn’t for the faint of heart — serving overseas or at home.

You’ve no doubt heard a lot of encouraging pep talks about how “you’ve got this,” and I have no doubt that you do. But, I remember the whirlwind of that first week of deployment (the highlights anyway). I kept coming back to a feeling that I closely associate to the one I had during childbirth: Why wasn’t I warned?

To be fair, I know I technically was warned, on the big stuff — the gist, childbirth and deployment are not times I want my sources to skimp on the details. I remember one predeployment brief in particular where they sat me down at a table among friends and showed me a PowerPoint slideshow of the phases of deployment — your basic denial-acceptance-grief-coping-excitement cycle (that is likely out of order, don’t quote me on that).

But no one pulled me aside, friend to friend, looked me square in the eyes and translated what those phases would look like in living color. Had they done that, it would have sounded something like this:

You will wear only sweatpants and pajamas for a time. I can say now without shame that I went to a movie with my group of deployment buddies one evening, and I realized when I got home that my fly was down the entire time. That’s when you know you’re out of practice with any pair of pants requiring a zipper.
You will get lax with hygiene. That first deployment, I think I changed my razor blade three, maybe four times — which I’m only just now realizing was incredibly icky. To my defense, that deployment overlapped with winter, so some of that was seasonal.
Your diet is going to get weird. If you and your spouse don’t have kids (which was our situation the first time around), you might find it easy to scrap cooking altogether. I reverted back to the diet of my bachelorette days: chips and dip, popcorn, delivery pizza, drive-thru, etc. My diet got so weird, in fact, that I unintentionally cut out red meat, and eight years later, I still don’t eat it. If you have kids, you’ll probably start eating a lot of mashed or nugget-shaped foods — depending on the age of your kids. That second deployment was a lot of smoothies, mashed sweet potatoes and hummus for me and the kiddo.
You will become furious with people for reasons you can’t understand just because they complained about missing their spouse for the weekend. Oh no, you didn’t.
You will find superhuman ambition. That first deployment changed the course of my life forever — bear with me through the cheesiness of that line. I lost the teaching job I was offered due to budget cuts, so I was bored out of my mind — nothing to do for the first time in my entire life. So, I took a nod from a friend and pitched a column about my military spouse experience to our local paper. They bit. I wrote that column the entire deployment and two and a half years more. It led to the writing job I’ve held more than five years — which includes this blog you’re reading now — it’s the reason I’m going to grad school. And it all started because I was bored. That’s my story, I’m sure yours will be equally unexpected and incredible. Never underestimate the brilliance and strength of military spouses with time on their hands.
You will be the bearer of bad news. It’s the Murphy’s Law of the whole situation: Something will go awry on your watch. You’ll likely have to give bad news over video chat, email, phone call, penned letter, carrier pigeon, etc. It’s not fun. The best advice I can give is grit your teeth, roll up your sleeves and deal with it (whatever it is). When you report the details across the miles, be confident. You handled it — no big deal. I always try to keep things in perspective: Yes, the dog got out and I had to chase her down the street and my son’s diaper leaked all over everything, but at no point was I in danger. Life is stressful — believe me, I get it, but don’t make each conversation with your deployed spouse negative. Find a balance that leaves you both looking forward to your chats.
You will have to do it yourself. This is a good point to pause so you can go do whatever that is — fish your car keys out of the toilet, change a tire, be mom and dad, etc. Then, come on back and start back at number eight.
You will get sappy. Have you ever teared up at a movie and then couldn’t believe you let yourself get so emotional? I cried at a Journey concert over the lyrics “I’m forever yours, faithfully.” My circle of friends hasn’t let me live that down to this day. I’m not a public crier, but sometimes deployment is driving and we are just the passengers.
You will feel guilty for having fun. Eventually you have to liberate yourself from the sweatpants and have a little fun. Maybe it’ll be 24 hours, maybe two months — the length of your phases is your call. But you will find yourself laughing and spending time with friends, but guilt may be your plus one to the fun. Give yourself some slack. Laugh with your friends, do something on your bucket list — even if you’re flying solo. Go out to lunch. Travel back home to see your family. Get a pedicure. You’re doing a lot for your family (whether it’s just you and your spouse or you, your spouse and some adorable kiddos), so you deserve some “me time.”
You will get downright giddy as you round the corner to homecoming. I cleaned, grocery shopped and cleaned some more for 48 hours straight leading up to homecoming day (part one). I envisioned the grandiose reunion, the ticker tape, the jazz band, and I was ready for it all.
Your reunion will feel a little anticlimactic. You have your spouse in your arms, and at the end of the day, that is literally the only thing that matters. That is what you waited and wished for every day for months. As happy as the reunion will be, it’s worth mentioning that it won’t look like that scenario playing out in your head. It can be delayed (prepare yourself in advance for that). It might be dark. It may be cold. You might have a cold. Your spouse may have some readjusting to do. You need to slow down, ditch the vision of the ideal reunion and focus on reintegration. Love each other. Respect each other’s space and routines. Be patient. Be together.

That’s every last detail — the real breakdown of your deployment phases. They may not happen in that order, and you may come back to the sweatpants (or any other phase) a few times. But, that’s OK — because, one phase or another, you will get through it.

PCSing With Your Dog: Mind Your Mutt’s Manners

Posted by on August 22, 2016 at 07:00

Aug 222016

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Julie

Moves happen all the time in the military community. There’s that span of time, as your neighbors are moving in, where you hold your breath waiting to see if they’ll be good neighbors (respectful, kind and friendly) or the kind that make you count the days until your next PCS. Your dog’s behaviors escalate the risks of the latter. Here are a few ways to make sure you and your four-legged fur-amily members are a welcomed addition to the neighborhood.

Avoid bad-neighbor status

When you’re are running or walking through your neighborhood and you see THAT pet owner with their uncontrolled dog on the leash coming toward you — your muscles start to clench and you sweat a bit more from that underlying fear that this time the dog will lunge and take a chunk out of your leg. Don’t be that neighbor everyone dreads passing. Here are the behaviors that give your dog (and you) a bad name:

Pulling on leash and lunging at strangers
Jumping on visitors
Growling and barking at visitors
Hiding in fear of visitors
Barking excessively
Stealing food from the counter or people’s plates or hands
Behaving aggressively with other dogs
Refusing to come when called
Neglecting to clean up after your dog when he voids outside of your yard
Roaming around unattended outside your yard

Choose to raise a well-mannered fur-amily member

Every family parents pets differently. There’s nothing wrong with doing things your own way, but make sure your fur babies know how to behave in a way that keeps them, other people, dogs and property safe, because it’s your responsibility. Choose to be proactive with your pet. Decide how you want to train your dog to behave. There are numerous ways to train your canine, including:

Private classes (you and your dog with the instructor)
Group classes (you and your dog with other pet-owner couples and an instructor)
Camp training (dog goes away with the trainer for a few weeks and comes back trained)
Do-it-yourself training from a book, the internet or prior knowledge

I’ve tried the do-it-yourself method from a book and it worked, but I’ve always had the best and quickest results when I attended group or private classes and practiced at home. Half of training your dog is training yourself to understand your dog (how she thinks, what motivates her, and how you become and remain a trusted pack leader). I highly recommend a training course where your dog is exposed to other dogs and people. Socialization, learning to interact well with others, is a huge part of being a good neighbor.

Coco

You can teach any dog manners

Whether your dog is a puppy, a geriatric, stubborn, or a complete klutz (I’ve had a few that chase balls right into walls, doors and fences), they are trainable. You may need to reach out to your veterinarian, a licensed dog trainer or an animal behaviorist to help you if your dog is excessively fearful or aggressive. There’s hope for all pets, they just need the right instruction and consistent practice.

After our fur-child of 14 years, Faith, died earlier this year, we decided to adopt another dog from the local shelter. After a few visits, we found our sweet Coco, a 2-year-old special, and realized we had a lot of energy on our hands. We quickly learned to take her on a walk or play fetch with her multiple times a day so she could run out her energy and curb her night crazies a bit.

We also started taking her to private lessons from a trainer, worked with her at home and then went to Canine Good Citizen training course through our veterinarian’s office. The training and test cover the basics of good behavior for dogs. Dogs that can perform the 10 skills on the test are truly a pleasure. Here are the 10 good-behavior goals for your dog:

Accept a stranger (shows no signs of fear or aggression and not leave your side to greet them)
Sit for petting (doesn’t move from sitting position and allows stranger to pet them)
Tolerate grooming (lets stranger groom and touch paws, tail, ears)
Walk on loose leash (no pulling, is attentive to owner and follows where they lead)
Walk through a crowd (no pulling on leash, no signs of fear or aggression while following owner)
Stay in sit or down position (remains in stay when owner walks 20 feet away and back)
Come when called (immediately returns to owner when called)
Be polite around dogs (shows casual interest in other dogs walking by, no pulling toward them)
Remain confident when distracted (shows confidence, not panic with loud sounds or visual distractions)
Stay calm when separated (can be left with another person for brief time and maintains manners)

Sometimes we get so busy with work and life that we forget to get involved with our animals beyond the couch cuddles and feeding time. Invest in your dog as you do your children. OK. So maybe your dog doesn’t need tap dance or soccer lessons, but remember that your dog needs some interaction and a purpose or job to do each day too. You can do obedience training, teach your dog tricks or jobs around the house, train for agility trials, practice fetch with Frisbees, learn therapy dog skills or just go on daily walks. Your dog will love every moment of that time with you, and you and your dog will earn a welcomed spot in the neighborhood.

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