Kristi
I once had a very revealing conversation with a dog trainer. He told me that large dogs are typically better trained than small ones because often people with small dogs find it easier to just pick that puppy up instead of actually teaching it what to do.
Guilty, party of one.
My five-pound dog is the type to just stare up at me when I ask him to do something. He doesn’t fetch, he rarely listens and he shows just how loyal he really is any time we leave the front door open; he’s outta there! When I was training him – or, apparently, not training him – I would usually say a command, repeat a command, give up and pick him up because it was the easiest option. Here’s an example scenario:
“Landry, off.” He would then stare at me blankly and slightly vindictively from my spot on the bed.
Slightly louder, “Landry, get off.”
Pause
Dagger eyes
Sigh of frustration
Then I’d pick him up and put him on the floor. He never learned, and I am forever frustrated.
Then I became a parent and I was determined to learn from my mistakes. I know it’s basically the norm these days that kids bear those participation trophies with pride. Everyone is a winner, and as a parent I get that. If you ask me, my kids are the smartest, funniest, most talented and best looking kids on this green earth, but ask another mom and she has another story. I want my kids to experience success, but more so, I want them to experience independence, disappointment, rules and consequences. More or less, I want to make sure I teach them to fish rather than just serve up organic fish sticks not too hot, not too cold, cut into bite size pieces with ketchup, mac and cheese – spirals, because they loathe the elbow kind – and some vegetables to round out the menu that don’t cause a stand-off at the dinner table.
But guess what, like many things, it’s easier said than done. I quickly found myself – whole truth, I still do occasionally – speaking for my kids, negotiating and checking, double-checking, and triple-checking that they’re OK. You want another example? You got it. My son was blessed – or cursed – with my coordination. On any given day, he runs into something or someone or falls down at least a dozen times. It was even worse when he was a toddler. I asked him so frequently if he was OK throughout the day that he got in the habit of telling me before I asked. It was basically a bump or crash followed by, “I OK Mommy!”
Now, even with splitting my time between two kids, I still catch myself doing a little more smothering than mothering sometimes and I have to reel it in a bit. I remind myself that my kids need to learn – even if it’s the hard way sometimes, they need to cry (occasionally), get dirty, lose gracefully, be bored, try things they “hate,” experience success, feel disappointment and pain in order to know that both are temporary, and –perhaps the hardest of all for a helicopter parent to stomach – sometimes they just have to “be” without our help or suggestions.
The boundaries
My best advice to any parent is to trust your gut. If you have a bad feeling about your child going to a party, attending a certain school or even sharing a toy with that other toddler who has snot running into his mouth, trust your parenting instinct. If, however, you can think of no legitimate reason why you should hold your children back, then let them go be kids. In times it is safe to do so, let your children do things themselves so they learn. As they grow, we get to stand back a little more each year and just do our job as parents and keep them in bounds. At any age, let your kids:
Speak for themselves, but make sure you’ve equipped them for successful conversation with a basic knowledge and an understanding of manners.
Do things their way, but give them the advantage of showing them a good way.
Learn by doing, but let them help you do things as much as possible so they have plenty of opportunities to learn.
Play without a safety net, but teach them to exercise caution because they aren’t unbreakable – like many children like to believe.
Cough, sneeze or hiccup without a response, but be ready with chicken soup, mommy hugs and medicine when they really need it.
Try new things, but offer some viable options to steer them away from things that are unhealthy or unsafe.
If those boundaries don’t keep my urge to helicopter parent in check, this thought does: as a kid my parents were always wrong. The stronger they insisted something, the more I rebelled and tried to prove them wrong. The more they hovered, the more I pulled away and shut myself in my room. Now that I’m a mom, I recognize that my parents are much smarter than I gave them credit for; unfortunately kids aren’t born with this understanding. So, while I wait for my kids to realize this, I’m going to do my best to stand back and let them do things their way before they realize that mommy’s way is probably a better idea.