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Maddie’s Answer: Settling in to Your New Duty Station

 Posted by on July 27, 2015 at 13:08
Jul 272015
 

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Dear Maddie,

We recently PCSed after 3 years at our last duty station where we had a great circle of friends. We currently do not have children and I am finding it difficult to make friends. I feel like all the moms think that I don’t want to be friends with them because we don’t have children ourselves and that just isn’t true. How do I crack the code and make friends here?

Kara

 

Dear Kara,

I have been on both sides of this equation, so I understand completely where you are coming from. And kids or not, it is hard to make friends after a move, especially if you have a great, established circle of friends back at your old duty station. Moms may seem like they have the advantage with the bus stop chatter, play groups and sports teams, but sometimes moms want friends outside of their kids’ circle. I think the standard rules of making friends apply whenever you move. Regardless of your kid status, you will also build up a great network of friends at your new installation with a little bit of elbow grease and some old school methods. Just like dating, you need to find an activity or hobby you are interested in and pursue it in your new community. Obviously solo, anti-social activities do not apply, but let’s be real, you can even make a love of reading books into a social activity with book clubs. If you are racking your brain trying to figure out a hobby, then consider the old cliché of volunteering in the meantime. It’s cliché because it works. I have yet to leave a volunteer activity without at least one new friend. It may take a few attempts before you hit it off with someone and other times you may hit it off with someone immediately. Not sure where to start? Consider a program on your installation (where volunteers are always needed) or a passion in your local community (dog walkers at your community pet shelter anyone?). There you will find like-minded people and it will already lay the groundwork for a friendship. Also, why not put yourself out there? If you are a foodie and dying to check out a new restaurant, post in a spouse group on social media to see if others want to plan a meet up. Same thing goes with a movie you want to see or activity you want to check out. Of course it goes without saying to use caution when meeting people for the first time, so make sure it’s a public place and let others know your plans for the day. I believe your friend circle will soon be growing regardless of the “mom status” of you or your new friends!

 

Dear Maddie,

We just got to our new duty station and to sum it up, I hate it. How do I survive the time we have left here?

Brandee

 

Dear Brandee,

I know you want to pack your bags and head out of town and tell your spouse you will see them on the flip side, but put the suitcase down. Most spouses have been in your shoes and have lived to tell the tale! I promise I am not going to sit here and tell you that you will learn to love it, or ask what is wrong with you. I firmly believe that it is OK to not like where you live. We are all meant to thrive in different parts of the world. However, I will tell you to bloom where you are planted. That phrase used to be nails on a chalkboard to me, so I modified it to fit my situation. Sure. I will bloom where I am planted, but only short, sustainable roots that can easily be picked up and moved to another location to thrive.” I made the choice to power on by finding the good things about our new location. I also had to psych myself up with daily positive affirmations about the benefits of living in that particular place. Literally, I would publicly share on my Facebook page something positive. It was a bit of a mind trick and it got me through. I got really involved in social activities and volunteering and before I knew it I had some of the best friends I had ever met and suddenly our time was up! I was sad to leave! Sad! Can you believe it? Not so much because of the duty station itself, but because of the friends we made. Since you mentioned that you just got to your new home, might I suggest my rule of thumb? I make sure not to make a decision on a duty station before we have lived there six months. That gives me enough time to experience a few season changes, get to know my way around, and get settled. If at the end of the six months I still don’t like it, I allow myself to be OK with that, but still find ways to thrive. I am willing to bet you too will find the positive in your new place and grow your roots to fit your situation. Best wishes!

 

♥

Maddie

Maddie’s Answer: Military Spouse Appreciation

 Posted by on June 8, 2015 at 14:44
Jun 082015
 

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Dear Maddie,

Any advice for civilian military spouses looking for federal employment? Or anything that is conducive to moving every few years?

Kallie

 

Hi Kallie,

Let me start by saying, as a fellow active-duty military spouse, I can empathize with this question. Finding federal employment is a great start to landing a job that can usually be easily transferred as your husband gets orders every few years. However, if you are like me, and many others, you may just be wondering “how in the heck do we break through the federal hiring process to get hired?” Well, here is the good news. The Spouse Education and Career Opportunities, or MySECO, is where you need to start. In addition to articles and tips to help you write a successful federal resume, you can speak with a career counselor at no cost. Career counselors can help you with your resume, offer interview tips and even help you decide what direction you want to take with your career. Seriously, visit the website and then give them a call.

I also highly recommend becoming a mentee in the Military Spouse eMentorship Program. They can connect you with a spouse that is already working in your career field. Your mentor is there to help you succeed through networking, sharing personal stories of the path they took to reach success in their career while being a military spouse, and offer career advice from the industry.

Please note that portable careers have evolved so much in recent years thanks to technology. If you have no idea where to even begin finding a portable career, check out “Portable Careers for Military Spouses” to get you started and help you think outside the “typical portable career box.” Telecommuting is becoming mainstream and companies and employees are eagerly embracing it. Depending on your career field, you may be able to talk to your current employer about keeping your job even as you PCS around the country or across the world. Be sure to notify your employer in plenty of time before your impending move and be prepared to present a game plan on how you think your position would work well as a telecommuting career. For example: do you just need an internet connection, computer, and phone to work? Sweet. Then show them how easy that will be to provide from your new location. How will you handle working in a different time zone from your company? Are you open to staying up late or getting up early? Tell them. Does your job offer flexible hours where you can work whenever works best for you as long as you meet your deadline? That’s even better news for you. Work this into your “this is why keeping me on will be great” speech. Remember to think about your proposition from your employer’s perspective and be prepared to answer those questions.

The good news is that military spouses make awesome employees and employers know that. So dust off that resume, brush up on your interview skills…your career awaits.

♥

Maddie

Maddie’s Answer: Month of the Military Child

 Posted by on April 27, 2015 at 15:47
Apr 272015
 

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Dear Maddie,

How do I explain a deployment to my 2-and-3-year-olds? They ask “why” a lot and don’t understand that Daddy will be gone for a while where they can’t talk to him or see him. I need to know how to help them without breaking down.

Jennifer

Dear Jennifer,

This is a great question and one shared by plenty of people. There are many ways to help your toddler understand what’s going on and to help you deal with the challenges of deployment as well.

  • Explaining time: It’s so hard to explain the concept of time to toddlers. They already think that the hour they need to wait for dinner is an eternity. It’s that much harder to explain how long a month or more is for a TDY or deployment. What works for my 3-year-old daughter is making Daddy a part of our everyday conversation. We don’t avoid talking about him – I think that causes more confusion and makes their little minds wonder what happened to Mommy or Daddy if we’re no longer talking about them. In our house, we talk about how Daddy is at “long” work, and he’s working fast to do the best job he can and come home.
  • Sharing daily life: My daughter usually gets most frustrated when she wants to share something with him. Our solution is a deployment journal, where she can tell me anything she wants me to write down to tell Daddy when he comes home. We fill the journal with jokes, memories and tidbits about our day. We add pictures and she doodles in it, too. It’s something that kids and spouses can do to help feel more connected while their service member is away.
  • Keeping in touch: We definitely Skype and call with the kids when we can, and my husband sends occasional letters addressed to each of the kids so they feel super special.
  • Counting down: Make a paper chain and let your child remove one chain a day or week to help countdown to Mommy or Daddy’s return. If you’re really ambitious, have your spouse write messages on each strip before leaving. This works with a countdown calendar, a candy jar – you get the idea. It’s a nice visual reminder for kids and helps reassure them that there’s an end game. And if plans change and your spouse gets delayed, just add a few more links or pieces or candy when your child is napping or out of sight.

 

But overall, the best thing is to have a positive attitude about the deployment so your kids will, too. This doesn’t mean you can’t cry – you’re human, after all. Just try to save the super meltdowns until after they go to bed. Just remember: you got this. Now take on this deployment with toddlers like the rock star you are.

♥

Maddie

 

Dear Maddie,

How do I get my teens to understand that I’m also hurting when Dad leaves?

Lucy

 

Dear Lucy,

Ahhh … teens. Interesting creatures, right? They’re so grown up, yet sooooo not quite there. It sounds like you may be battling some teenage angst while also dealing with your own emotions over your spouse’s deployment. First thing first, it’s totally fine to be struggling with your spouse being gone. It’s ok to cry, skip the laundry, eat microwave popcorn and ice cream for dinner once a week … oh wait, is that just our house?

But seriously, you’re hurting, and I think it’s perfectly normal to acknowledge that. I would talk with your teens in a casual way over pizza or even a friendly game of mini golf. Ok, maybe not mini-golf, but don’t call a family meeting or you’ll risk a teenager shutdown. Tell your teen how you are missing your spouse, and share ways you can all cope as a family. If your teen is being especially teenager-y, chances are that it’s about the deployment, too. Acknowledging your emotions will usually bridge the gap and get them to share as well. And because teenagers are young adults, you can typically negotiate with them. When you’re having what I call a “deployment day,” let them know that you are pretty stressed, sad, whatever it may be. You might be surprised how your teen steps up and helps out. By the way, if you find that your “deployment days” are turning into weeks, it might be time to talk to someone. Find a friend, sister, mom, spiritual leader, or even give Military OneSource a call for confidential help.

 

♥

Maddie

 

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