12 Tips for the Newbie MilSpouse

Melissa

I just realized the other day that my husband is well past the magical halfway mark to retirement and we are quickly approaching the home stretch. This happened when I was referred to in conversation as a “seasoned spouse.” The foodie in me instantly thought “Ooh yum! Seasoned with what?” Then I realized it was a polite way of saying I have” been around the block a time or two.” Wait, was I just called old? When did this happen, this seasoning stuff? Some days I can’t believe how fast we got to this point, and other times I think, “Gosh! I have no idea what I am doing.” Who’s with me on that one, seasoned or not?

Neither of us were military “brats” so this life was all new to us. As I thought back on the years (Did I just say “years” plural? Maybe I am more seasoned than I want to admit.), I remembered all the awesome advice and tips I got from spouses who have walked this road before me. So I want to pass their advice along, as well as share some things I have learned over the years.

1. The military community is small. Be courteous to everyone, because you will see them again one day if your spouse serves more than four years. You do not have to like everyone you meet, but you should be respectful of everyone.
2. And speaking of being courteous, let’s talk about gossip. Don’t do it. Mark your “It stops here” role on the Gossip Train early and maintain it.
3. Get involved. Being a part of a family readiness group does not make you a “dependa” or a spouse without her own life. It means you have a giving heart and are involved. No shame in that.
4. Don’t fight the dress code on an installation. You are a guest on the installation, even if you live in base housing. Now is not the time to be a clothing vigilante. Put away the shower shoes or throw on a cardigan. There are bigger battles to fight.
5. Do not get involved in the rank game. A good rule of practice I maintain is to never discuss my husband’s rank with anyone. As spouses we can mingle with anyone we want. That means you may find yourself friends with the E-1 spouses all the way up to the spouse of a general. Don’t judge and make friends based on their SPOUSE’s rank, or you will be missing out on some good friendships along the way.
6. There is always, always, always, something good in every duty station. Some locations might be filled to the brim with positive, and others may require a magnifying glass and digging, but there is something good. I promise. I am looking at you folks stationed in the desert.
7. The early days of your military marriage may be some of your hardest, but they will soon be fond memories of an era you wish you could go back to. I personally miss when weekend entertainment was having cookouts at our friend’s houses because that is all any of us could afford. Moments like these turn into memories of “the good ole days.”
8. Life can also happen outside the gates. I know it’s easy to fall into the grind of base living because everything is so convenient, but make it a point to get out into your surrounding community at least once a week. Go exploring, go shopping, visit a park, do something. When I look back on everywhere we lived, the memories that first come to mind are always our time in the community, not how quickly we could get to the commissary.
9. Ask for help. Especially if you are new at this life. It’s hard to pick up and move away from everything you have ever known and be dropped into the middle of a new life — especially one full of so many rules and where people speak another language (military). Use the support services on your installation. That is what they are there for. Don’t “tough guy” it up.
10. Attend your branch’s version of “Military Spouse 101” class — then attend it again in 5 years, because you will learn something new.
11. Find a milspouse mentor. Military spouses are an AWESOME and diverse group of folks. Find a spouse that emulates the qualities important to you and learn from them. There is no need to blaze your own trail when one has already been cut for you. Save your trail cutting skills for other paths that will come your way.
12. Keep working on you. Follow your dreams even as your follow your spouse. If this involves going back to school, do it. Even if it takes twice as long. Build a career if that is important to you. Roll up your sleeves, dust off your resume and get to applying. Think outside the box and you may find your dream job looks completely different than you thought it did. Just don’t ever stop doing things for you.

The most important advice I can give is to honestly enjoy the time. The military life is one of the most unique ones around, so embrace it. Say “YES!” to duty stations you never dreamed of going to. Say “YES!” to living outside your comfort zone, and watch what the world has in store for you.