Melissa
Well, a few months ago we got a major dose of reality from the other side of the world. It started with a phone call in the middle of our afternoon in Okinawa, which meant is was the middle of the night in America. My heart sunk, because I knew this couldn’t be a good phone call. It was my husband’s sister calling. My husband’s father had suffered a heart attack and things didn’t look good.
Anyone who has ever lived overseas understands that this type of phone call is your worst nightmare. We couldn’t just drop what we were doing and be home within a matter of hours like we wanted to. Instead, we were looking at a twenty-four-hour plane ride in addition to waiting to get all the approvals needed to leave the island. In the end, we were able to make the journey back to the states before my father-in-law passed away.
No one is ever prepared for a loved one to pass away, especially a parent. I had no idea how to support my husband emotionally during this time. The possibility of dealing with this, especially at our age, had never even entered my mind. But alas, this was our reality and I wanted to be there for my husband in every way that I could.
The days immediately surrounding a funeral are such a blur that reality doesn’t really hit until you are back in your normal routine. I learned that the days and weeks after the funeral are when grief really comes. It was, and still is, a “learn as we go process.” I did learn some valuable lessons these past few months that I hope will help you help your spouse deal with the passing of a loved one.
Silence is golden (at first). I was able to gauge my husband’s reaction and knew that he didn’t want to talk about his feelings right away, and he didn’t want to hear all the clichés like, “It will get better with time.” My physical presence was what he needed, not my words.
Check in. My husband is a typical military guy: tough exterior and seldom rattled. So his way of coping was to jump straight back into work and make life as normal as possible. I totally respect his way of dealing, but I also want to make sure he is ok. I will often “check in” with him during a quiet moment. I want to let him know that I am here if he wants to talk about anything, but I know to never force it. He will talk when he is ready and needs to.
Don’t “tip-toe”… help keep the memory alive. In the days after my father-in-law’s death, I was hesitant to bring anything up about him or even say his name for fear that it would be upsetting. One evening we were reminiscing about my father-in-law and sharing funny stories, and I saw how good it was for my husband. Laughter and good memories are great medicine for dealing with grief.
Offer encouragement. Now that we are back in Okinawa, I know it is hard on my husband being so far from his family. He wants to be there for them and help them grieve, too. Encourage these relationships, and offer support and help where you can.
Advocate. It is normal for the first weeks and months for your spouse to be upset. If after a few months you feel that your spouse isn’t coping with the grief well, it is time to encourage outside help. Gently, offer up the idea of attending a local support group of peers that are going through the grief process. If you feel your spouse needs more help, it might also help for him or her to speak with a professional. Know that resources are available on your installation, and if you do not know where to find them, Military OneSource can point you in the right direction. You can also call and speak with a non-medical counselor at Military OneSource by calling 1-800-342-9647. Now is the time to advocate for your spouse and make sure he or she gets the assistance needed to work through the grief process.
Unfortunately, dealing with the death of a loved one is something we all experience. It is important to remember that everyone grieves differently and no article or advice is one size fits all. Grieving is a lifetime process that does not follow someone else’s time schedule. Follow your spouse’s lead. Your heart will immediately tell you what you need to do.