August 2016 – Blog Brigade

The Real Deployment Cycle

Posted by on August 29, 2016 at 07:00

Aug 292016

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Kristi

Welcome to deployment — be it your first or 50th (bless your resilient heart), you are in the company of some extremely strong stock. Deployment isn’t for the faint of heart — serving overseas or at home.

You’ve no doubt heard a lot of encouraging pep talks about how “you’ve got this,” and I have no doubt that you do. But, I remember the whirlwind of that first week of deployment (the highlights anyway). I kept coming back to a feeling that I closely associate to the one I had during childbirth: Why wasn’t I warned?

To be fair, I know I technically was warned, on the big stuff — the gist, childbirth and deployment are not times I want my sources to skimp on the details. I remember one predeployment brief in particular where they sat me down at a table among friends and showed me a PowerPoint slideshow of the phases of deployment — your basic denial-acceptance-grief-coping-excitement cycle (that is likely out of order, don’t quote me on that).

But no one pulled me aside, friend to friend, looked me square in the eyes and translated what those phases would look like in living color. Had they done that, it would have sounded something like this:

You will wear only sweatpants and pajamas for a time. I can say now without shame that I went to a movie with my group of deployment buddies one evening, and I realized when I got home that my fly was down the entire time. That’s when you know you’re out of practice with any pair of pants requiring a zipper.
You will get lax with hygiene. That first deployment, I think I changed my razor blade three, maybe four times — which I’m only just now realizing was incredibly icky. To my defense, that deployment overlapped with winter, so some of that was seasonal.
Your diet is going to get weird. If you and your spouse don’t have kids (which was our situation the first time around), you might find it easy to scrap cooking altogether. I reverted back to the diet of my bachelorette days: chips and dip, popcorn, delivery pizza, drive-thru, etc. My diet got so weird, in fact, that I unintentionally cut out red meat, and eight years later, I still don’t eat it. If you have kids, you’ll probably start eating a lot of mashed or nugget-shaped foods — depending on the age of your kids. That second deployment was a lot of smoothies, mashed sweet potatoes and hummus for me and the kiddo.
You will become furious with people for reasons you can’t understand just because they complained about missing their spouse for the weekend. Oh no, you didn’t.
You will find superhuman ambition. That first deployment changed the course of my life forever — bear with me through the cheesiness of that line. I lost the teaching job I was offered due to budget cuts, so I was bored out of my mind — nothing to do for the first time in my entire life. So, I took a nod from a friend and pitched a column about my military spouse experience to our local paper. They bit. I wrote that column the entire deployment and two and a half years more. It led to the writing job I’ve held more than five years — which includes this blog you’re reading now — it’s the reason I’m going to grad school. And it all started because I was bored. That’s my story, I’m sure yours will be equally unexpected and incredible. Never underestimate the brilliance and strength of military spouses with time on their hands.
You will be the bearer of bad news. It’s the Murphy’s Law of the whole situation: Something will go awry on your watch. You’ll likely have to give bad news over video chat, email, phone call, penned letter, carrier pigeon, etc. It’s not fun. The best advice I can give is grit your teeth, roll up your sleeves and deal with it (whatever it is). When you report the details across the miles, be confident. You handled it — no big deal. I always try to keep things in perspective: Yes, the dog got out and I had to chase her down the street and my son’s diaper leaked all over everything, but at no point was I in danger. Life is stressful — believe me, I get it, but don’t make each conversation with your deployed spouse negative. Find a balance that leaves you both looking forward to your chats.
You will have to do it yourself. This is a good point to pause so you can go do whatever that is — fish your car keys out of the toilet, change a tire, be mom and dad, etc. Then, come on back and start back at number eight.
You will get sappy. Have you ever teared up at a movie and then couldn’t believe you let yourself get so emotional? I cried at a Journey concert over the lyrics “I’m forever yours, faithfully.” My circle of friends hasn’t let me live that down to this day. I’m not a public crier, but sometimes deployment is driving and we are just the passengers.
You will feel guilty for having fun. Eventually you have to liberate yourself from the sweatpants and have a little fun. Maybe it’ll be 24 hours, maybe two months — the length of your phases is your call. But you will find yourself laughing and spending time with friends, but guilt may be your plus one to the fun. Give yourself some slack. Laugh with your friends, do something on your bucket list — even if you’re flying solo. Go out to lunch. Travel back home to see your family. Get a pedicure. You’re doing a lot for your family (whether it’s just you and your spouse or you, your spouse and some adorable kiddos), so you deserve some “me time.”
You will get downright giddy as you round the corner to homecoming. I cleaned, grocery shopped and cleaned some more for 48 hours straight leading up to homecoming day (part one). I envisioned the grandiose reunion, the ticker tape, the jazz band, and I was ready for it all.
Your reunion will feel a little anticlimactic. You have your spouse in your arms, and at the end of the day, that is literally the only thing that matters. That is what you waited and wished for every day for months. As happy as the reunion will be, it’s worth mentioning that it won’t look like that scenario playing out in your head. It can be delayed (prepare yourself in advance for that). It might be dark. It may be cold. You might have a cold. Your spouse may have some readjusting to do. You need to slow down, ditch the vision of the ideal reunion and focus on reintegration. Love each other. Respect each other’s space and routines. Be patient. Be together.

That’s every last detail — the real breakdown of your deployment phases. They may not happen in that order, and you may come back to the sweatpants (or any other phase) a few times. But, that’s OK — because, one phase or another, you will get through it.

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PCSing With Your Dog: Mind Your Mutt’s Manners

Posted by on August 22, 2016 at 07:00

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Julie

Moves happen all the time in the military community. There’s that span of time, as your neighbors are moving in, where you hold your breath waiting to see if they’ll be good neighbors (respectful, kind and friendly) or the kind that make you count the days until your next PCS. Your dog’s behaviors escalate the risks of the latter. Here are a few ways to make sure you and your four-legged fur-amily members are a welcomed addition to the neighborhood.

Avoid bad-neighbor status

When you’re are running or walking through your neighborhood and you see THAT pet owner with their uncontrolled dog on the leash coming toward you — your muscles start to clench and you sweat a bit more from that underlying fear that this time the dog will lunge and take a chunk out of your leg. Don’t be that neighbor everyone dreads passing. Here are the behaviors that give your dog (and you) a bad name:

Pulling on leash and lunging at strangers
Jumping on visitors
Growling and barking at visitors
Hiding in fear of visitors
Barking excessively
Stealing food from the counter or people’s plates or hands
Behaving aggressively with other dogs
Refusing to come when called
Neglecting to clean up after your dog when he voids outside of your yard
Roaming around unattended outside your yard

Choose to raise a well-mannered fur-amily member

Every family parents pets differently. There’s nothing wrong with doing things your own way, but make sure your fur babies know how to behave in a way that keeps them, other people, dogs and property safe, because it’s your responsibility. Choose to be proactive with your pet. Decide how you want to train your dog to behave. There are numerous ways to train your canine, including:

Private classes (you and your dog with the instructor)
Group classes (you and your dog with other pet-owner couples and an instructor)
Camp training (dog goes away with the trainer for a few weeks and comes back trained)
Do-it-yourself training from a book, the internet or prior knowledge

I’ve tried the do-it-yourself method from a book and it worked, but I’ve always had the best and quickest results when I attended group or private classes and practiced at home. Half of training your dog is training yourself to understand your dog (how she thinks, what motivates her, and how you become and remain a trusted pack leader). I highly recommend a training course where your dog is exposed to other dogs and people. Socialization, learning to interact well with others, is a huge part of being a good neighbor.

Coco

You can teach any dog manners

Whether your dog is a puppy, a geriatric, stubborn, or a complete klutz (I’ve had a few that chase balls right into walls, doors and fences), they are trainable. You may need to reach out to your veterinarian, a licensed dog trainer or an animal behaviorist to help you if your dog is excessively fearful or aggressive. There’s hope for all pets, they just need the right instruction and consistent practice.

After our fur-child of 14 years, Faith, died earlier this year, we decided to adopt another dog from the local shelter. After a few visits, we found our sweet Coco, a 2-year-old special, and realized we had a lot of energy on our hands. We quickly learned to take her on a walk or play fetch with her multiple times a day so she could run out her energy and curb her night crazies a bit.

We also started taking her to private lessons from a trainer, worked with her at home and then went to Canine Good Citizen training course through our veterinarian’s office. The training and test cover the basics of good behavior for dogs. Dogs that can perform the 10 skills on the test are truly a pleasure. Here are the 10 good-behavior goals for your dog:

Accept a stranger (shows no signs of fear or aggression and not leave your side to greet them)
Sit for petting (doesn’t move from sitting position and allows stranger to pet them)
Tolerate grooming (lets stranger groom and touch paws, tail, ears)
Walk on loose leash (no pulling, is attentive to owner and follows where they lead)
Walk through a crowd (no pulling on leash, no signs of fear or aggression while following owner)
Stay in sit or down position (remains in stay when owner walks 20 feet away and back)
Come when called (immediately returns to owner when called)
Be polite around dogs (shows casual interest in other dogs walking by, no pulling toward them)
Remain confident when distracted (shows confidence, not panic with loud sounds or visual distractions)
Stay calm when separated (can be left with another person for brief time and maintains manners)

Sometimes we get so busy with work and life that we forget to get involved with our animals beyond the couch cuddles and feeding time. Invest in your dog as you do your children. OK. So maybe your dog doesn’t need tap dance or soccer lessons, but remember that your dog needs some interaction and a purpose or job to do each day too. You can do obedience training, teach your dog tricks or jobs around the house, train for agility trials, practice fetch with Frisbees, learn therapy dog skills or just go on daily walks. Your dog will love every moment of that time with you, and you and your dog will earn a welcomed spot in the neighborhood.

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5 Things You Get When You Move Off Cycle

Posted by on August 15, 2016 at 07:00

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Kristi

All the boxes — I’ll take all the boxes. That’s my thought every time I see a post on our community’s Facebook page from yet another new neighbor that advertises “boxes and packing paper free on the porch.”

There’s nothing like the smell of cardboard in the summer in a military-heavy neighborhood, but it’s hard to get in the spirit of moving season when you watch new faces settle in as you scramble to get your kid ready for kindergarten while simultaneously filling out paperwork for a mid-year transfer on the complete opposite side of the country — 2,869 miles to be exact.

This is my first move off cycle, and so far I can describe it as having our invitation to the party lost in the mail.

#1: School breaks never, repeat never, align.

A summer PCS takes advantage of a season-long vacation from school, but moving literally any other time in the year means pulling kids out of one school and dropping them in another mid-year.

This leaves parents like me doing crazy real-life word problems like, “Student A starts spring break in California on March 20 and has two weeks off. His family leaves to move across the country on March 31. He arrives at his new home on April 8. His new school takes spring break from April 10-17. How many weeks of school will he miss?” Four — the answer is roughly one month out of school. Widen your eyes just a little more, and you’ll be at my level of amazement.

What’s a parent to do? We do our homework — lots and lots of homework — to make sure every little detail is attended to (enrollment paperwork, grade transfers and school physicals), so that all we have to do is show up and be the new kid (and we hope that doesn’t become an issue all its own). So far, the school liaison at our future installation has been amazing. Make this lifeline your first point of contact every time.

#2: Weaving a vacation into an off-cycle PCS is tricky.

Our summer move to California was the stuff of dreams. We could have been the spokesmodels for the great American road trip. State by state, we checked items off our bucket lists. Naturally, I wanted to replicate this grand cross-country trip (the optimist in me thinks this might be our last time driving all the way across), but we planned to take a northern route. Funny thing about the north in early spring: It’s frozen. I’ve already axed the Yellowstone adventure and glamping in Montana. We’ll hit Seattle, Mount Rushmore, Chicago and hope we aren’t racing a late blizzard.

#3: Rental houses hibernate in the winter.

If you’re ever bored (or you’re just a premature house hunter, like me), take a peek at rental listings during the summer. Our future duty station currently has pages and pages of options within our housing allowance. I have serious concerns that we’ll be dealing with a skeleton crew when we start our search after the holidays. Maybe I’m wrong — I hope I’m wrong — but from my experience as a landlord, I know that pickings tend to be slim outside of the summer months.

#4: We mean it when we insist on no gifts for the holidays.

Oh, Grandma and Nana — and you too, Uncle K, with your tradition of gifting gigantic stuffed animals — the months leading up to a move are traditionally the purging months in this house. If I’m not running things to the dump or the donation bin, I’m probably hosting a yard sale in which everything must go. The last thing I need is one more thing to pack and unpack. What I won’t say no to are some things that could be helpful during the move — maybe a road trip game, a book, a movie, travel funding, etc. We are all in agreement that we want the kids to have a memorable holiday, and believe me, they will — we’re planning a trip instead of focusing on gifts. And, if that’s not enough, just wait until you see their faces light up as they unpack everything that’s been in storage for two years, “And you get a kitchen set. And you get a trampoline. How about a TV for the playroom?”

#5: “One [really] is the loneliest number.”

No one throws around Facebook “likes” like I do in the summer — moving boxes, moving trucks, PCS vacations, saying goodbye to old friends and embracing new friends. Like, like, love, sad face, like — I really get in the moving season spirit. But it’s bittersweet when you watch all the friends you’ve made at a duty station pack up and leave without you. We’ve already said goodbye to friends here, and there’s another wave coming just before the holidays. We’ll be holding down the fort here on the block all by ourselves for three months after our friends have moved on.

I’m pretty independent, so I’ll be OK (aside from missing them dearly, of course). But I think about my kids starting to lose their friends months before their move. That’s a long timeline of emotion for such tender hearts. I also think about how — even on the days we weren’t purposely spending time together — our neighbors and friends were just part of our lives here, and that even simple things, like checking the mail or taking out the garbage, will be a little different without them.

It’s not all bad

Like any other part of military life, we can’t change the fact that we may once (please) or twice (hopefully not) have to move off cycle. So, we can wallow in the unfortunate timing or dig through that packing paper for a silver lining. Some perks of moving off cycle, include:

All the gently used packing paper and boxes we can handle
Cooler temps on moving day (in theory, anyway)
Built-in child care on moving day (unless your kids happen to be on a school break)
Lower home prices (also in theory — homeowners that didn’t sell or rent their places in the summer may lower the price to entice buyers or renters)

I am sure when it’s all said and done, I’ll have a whole new blog to write about “what not to do during an off-cycle move,” but I’m going to roll with it for now and try to get my 5-year old to keep his enthusiasm for his month-long spring break at a minimum.

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Get Ready for School Without Having a Nervous Breakdown

Posted by on August 12, 2016 at 13:50

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Kelli

Each and every summer there comes a moment when I feel a cold hand of panic propelling me toward the school supply aisle at the store. Usually it’s when I glance at the date and realize school starts within a few hours! Panic sets in, and my kids and I desperately search for the exact folder described on their supply list. It’s usually NOT the ones filling the shelves for 15 cents a folder. When I had all six children in school you can imagine the stress, the cost and the wails of small children left with the dredges picked over by much more organized moms.

After a few years my children were required to “shop” around our home before we ever even ventured out to a store. Usually the folders for sale the previous year that were NOT on the list, would be the hot commodity the next year, and often found in a dark closet somewhere in my house.

This year however, I remembered about halfway through summer to check to see if there was anything I could do earlier rather than later to make the start of the school year a little less stressful. I have decided to be proactive and not have my children slide into the first day of school with pencil nubs and chewed up pink erasers. I figure the last two deserve something special since the first four have worn me out.

To my amazement and wonder the school supply lists were already online. I gleefully printed them off and told my boys I had the lists. I was so surprised when I was met with horrified looks and shocked gasps.

“What?! It’s the middle of summer, mom! Why are you even thinking of that?!” Both boys were appalled and ran from the room in shock — not the reaction I was expecting.

With technology driving the way we work, go to school, prepare for school and even grocery shop, it should be easier than ever to prepare for the changing of seasons and transitioning back to the rigors of a school schedule.

I’ve been able to fill out forms, update information and digitally sign what used to seem like reams of paper. There are still some things that must be done in person, like the sports physicals, but honestly I’m waiting for a “doc in the box” to scan the boys via the internet and a video connection. Until then, here are a few tips for making this year’s transition back to the school schedule a little less harrowing:

Check online to see what paperwork might be available to take care of now, rather than those first few days. You will be saving trees AND your writing hand from cramping.
Find out if the school supply list is available and tuck it in your purse or wallet. Sales are going on all the time, and purchasing a bit each pay day instead of all at once can really help your back-to-school budget.
Schedule sports physicals sooner rather than later. Those appointments get booked fast and there are never enough of them!
Check the district and school-specific calendar of events, and get those important dates locked onto your family calendar. It’s a little painful to see all that white space fill up, but it’s better than missing an important event or scrambling to shift things around and arriving stressed and flustered at the last minute.

I feel like it’s a marathon once that first day of school arrives. If you don’t have on your running shoes and water staged along the way, it can be much harder to make it through to the holiday break finish line. In the spirit of enjoying life with school-age children rather than enduring it with your hair on fire, prepare, take a deep breath and get ready to enjoy the upcoming back to school shenanigans!

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