I love the ancient African proverb “It takes a whole village to raise a child.” I don’t disagree with that, except these days I’d like to modify it to read “It takes a whole village to raise a child. but I get to decide which villagers.”
We definitely need the support of our village. When our children are 2, we are exhausted and need breaks and sleep. When our children are
Kelli
teenagers we need back-up support teaching the life lessons we are desperately hoping they learn. Especially when the eyes start rolling and suddenly our beautiful children think we are the dumbest people on the planet. Hearing the same message from someone other than their parents is powerful. The problem is if we are not diligent on whom we allow to influence our children then we may be asking for more trouble than the “help” is worth.
Not all villagers are created equal. Just because someone is charismatic, in position of authority or attends your same social, religious or other type organization doesn’t mean they are automatically teaching the principles and values you want your children to learn. We cannot give up our roles as the main authority and decision maker for what is right and wrong for our children and our families.
I believe in everyone making their own choices on what they believe and how they choose to live. I also firmly believe we must exercise that same right when it comes to parenting. Do not relinquish this precious role to anyone. The strongest teachings are done right in your own home. Good ones and bad ones. Powerful lessons are taught at the kitchen table without us even knowing it.
The great thing about being military is there is a constant rotation of villagers. The bad thing is there is a constant rotation of villagers. It’s hard to build up your network of influence and then say goodbye and have to start all over. It’s also easy to be fooled. There have been a few times I have regretted letting someone in close to my child. I thought it was the right place to be and good old hindsight shows I should have not let that person in as close as I did.
Does that mean I should have pulled my daughter from that activity and banned her from the presence of that villager? In this particular case no, of course not, but sometimes the answer might be yes. What I should have done was realized the toll it was taking on my child and avoided some of the situations we found ourselves in. I could have counseled her in a way that might have limited the influence and, more importantly, kept some emotional distance.
Even the negative experiences are valuable. My daughter and I have talked and we agree there were valuable lessons learned from that experience. We also wish I had realized sooner that she was in over her head and stepped in. Both of us were hurt by someone we thought was a friend and mentor to both me and my daughter.
Hurt feelings and disappointment happen in life. There is value in learning this early and how to deal with it. What I did do right was to be there to guide her through that journey. There is nothing worse than having someone you look up to fall off their pedestal. Our youth love hard and when they are disappointed their hurt can be as intense as their love and admiration.
Parenting is a tightrope act. Knowing when to let things proceed, let you child experience problems and problem solving while learning valuable lessons is often a step away from being disengaged and unaware.
Stepping in to make sure it’s not more than they are ready to handle, on the other hand, is a short fall to being overly controlling, never allowing your children to learn to deal with challenges, hurt feelings or embarrassment. The risk becomes children unprepared to handle life away from the safety net of home.
Surrounding yourself and your family with good people, especially when you live far away from your own family, is vital. I have also had the great fortune to have friends that not only loved me, but loved my children. The ties that bound us as friends allowed my children to have other “moms” to talk to when maybe they didn’t feel they could talk to me.
Sometimes it was another mom who made the hard decision to let me know something she had witnessed, heard or was concerned about. Having friends I trusted and respected who were able to come to me in times like those has made all the difference in my ability to parent my children.
It wasn’t always easy and I had to be willing to hear what they had to say. Raising children is a messy, glorious, heartbreaking and joyous lifelong endeavor. I am thankful to those who have had my back, called me out and tattled on my children.
I am also so very grateful for those who have loved my children through their unlovable moments and recognized they were growing up and that isn’t always pretty. Those villagers are forever in my heart. Find them. They are the ones you really want in your corner.
It is OK to invite someone to leave your inner circle. Your children are more important than friends. If the influence is going to be something you feel will have negative effects, then don’t be afraid to put your kids first. It’s not always easy, but sometimes it is necessary.
I love my village. It knows no geographical, race, gender or familial boundaries. It has all kinds of villagers in it. Some are only around for a short time and others I just can’t seem to shake nor do I want to. What they all have in common is they are supportive, helpful and kind. They back me up and keep me sane. They love my children and they let me love theirs. Some are in Australia, North Carolina, California and Texas. Some I have no idea where they are.
Get out there, build your village and know it’s okay to pick which villagers you call yours.