Blog Brigade

Kelli

When I think of communicating with MY spouse, I think back to several conversations we have had over the years and one particular discussion sticks out in my mind. Even though my military man is a communicator by profession, this does not mean he could always communicate with ME! At this point, I had been trying to talk to him for about five minutes.

Kelli: “Do you hear me? Seriously are you even listening?”

My cute fella: “What? I’m sorry what were you saying?”

Kelli: “What do I need to do here? Hook up an antenna? Strap a walkie-talkie onto my back? Get some encryption thingy and tell you I’m only talking to you on the sippy net? Should I get buttons and knobs and wire and a data package and call myself a RADIO???”

At this point, I was full on pantomiming the use of comm gear. I was so worked up I didn’t even realize I was mutilating communication jargon. I seem to remember my husband’s eyes widen in surprise and then amusement as my rant continued along with gestures and comm term mutilation. I believe his response was to correct my use of the term sippy net to whatever it was supposed to be.

Needless to say, every couple must figure out the language of their relationship and discover how to communicate so the other really listens to what is being said (or not being said).

January 2014 will mark our 25^th wedding anniversary. I think we have been pretty successful in communicating with each other. If you think success means we are still married AND like each other, we qualify. If you think success means calm, non-heated discussions, then we have failed. In my world, I consider us a success because we still like each other AND still have heated discussions.

I’ve found over the years that we’ve learned to read each other and give more than we take when communicating. Our way may not be right for you. The point is communicating strengthens and grows a relationship—how you and your partner do that is just as individual as each of you are. However, here are a few ideas to try out as you work to discover what works for your relationship:

Take a timeout. It is never a good idea to talk about things when one or both of you are emotionally distraught. It’s OK to delay a decision or a discussion until cooler heads can prevail. Grief, anger and anxiety do not typically lead to rational or productive discussions.

Tact. I had a hard time with this one. I felt like the sooner I got something off my chest, the better. This didn’t always work for my husband—especially if he wasn’t ready to talk or was involved in something and I was demanding immediate attention. It wasn’t always about me expressing my concerns or nagging him. Sometimes it was me trying to apologize or work out an issue, but I learned that I needed to be more aware of his timetable and his needs too, not just my own desire to fix whatever it was right away. I’m a fixer; he’s a muller. He needed his mulling time.

Timing. I have also had a hard time with this one. After a long day, my husband would come home and I would wait panting at the front door. He would walk in and I pounced. I began recounting my day, in great detail, and also listing off everything I needed him to do, fix or take over. The poor man walked through the front door and was verbally attacked. I was just so glad to see someone that I didn’t have to say “Use your words” to 10 times in a 2 minute period. I recommend giving your spouse some transition time. Now my husband has a long drive home and during that drive he is able to switch gears from work to home. However, I still stand back 10 feet and give him 10 minutes before I pounce.

Issue time. We used to set aside a time each week when we would “meet” to discuss any “issues” that the other was having. For instance, his issue might be we are spending too much money on takeout food. My issue might be I hate cooking and need help grocery shopping. At the agreed upon time, we knew we needed to look at helping each other and our family in an objective, non-angry, and more importantly, non-hungry way. Wednesday night at 6 p.m. when I was asking what window they wanted dinner from was NOT the time for him to lecture me on money and nutrition. Respectively, 6 p.m. on Wednesday night when he just walked in and was starving was not the time for me to poke him in the eye about help in the kitchen.

We did this for a little while. It didn’t last long because we kept having children and our windows of time became smaller and smaller. However, because we practiced and set the tone for good communication, we were able to get better at these types of discussions without having to have a set time and place each week. (I still throw popcorn occasionally…)

We are imperfect. Recognize this and own it. Loving each other isn’t all roses and glitter and magical lusty nights. It also involves dirty boot socks, broken dishes and bowls of popcorn hurled across the room. Loving each other also includes broken hearts, disappointment and hurt feelings.

Communication, real communication, takes work, patience and consideration for each other. Once you figure it out, it intensifies the magic of the lusty nights, wraps around the broken heart and eases the hurt feelings. Ultimately, it is the tie that truly binds two hearts, propelling you together through the more difficult times life can offer up.

If you want the world according to Kelli, I would even dare say it’s where true love’s seeds are planted and fertilized with all our “discussions” and “issues” (the fertilizer), growing strong and carrying us into the years of retirement and beyond. Yep, I have my own Buzz Light Year…

Kristi

Seriously, is it time for Valentine’s Day already? I’m still trying to resuscitate our bank account after all of that holiday spending when Cupid swoops in and demands the purchase of heart-shaped boxes of chocolate that—let’s be honest—aren’t even that good, flowers that will die in a week, stuffed animals that have no purpose or jewelry that I don’t need (but will never argue with).

I don’t know who came up with the rule that Valentine’s Day should consist of a cliché box of candy, overpriced flowers and dinner at a restaurant surrounded by a bunch of strangers, but you don’t have to follow suit! In fact, I encourage you not to spend money on such clichés. For one, you’ll save some major green by avoiding the textbook, overpriced Valentine’s Day gifts and locales, and as an added bonus, gentlemen, you’ll earn far more points for thinking outside of the heart-shaped box.

A crash course in Valentine’s Day gifts

Let me begin by saying that February 14^th is not the day to run to the grocery store or—worse—gas station (you know who you are) in search of anything resembling a romantic gesture. If you wait until the last minute to start getting thoughtful, you run the risk of resorting to the leftover reject Valentine’s Day cards that are being phased out by Mother’s Day and graduation cards. If you find yourself standing in the floral section, you’ll probably be fighting with other last minute shoppers over the least wilted bouquet of flowers.

Don’t be that guy (or gal). Waiting until the last minute could result in spending way too much money on way too little quality in an attempt to dodge the doghouse. Putting a little thought into a gift just a few days earlier opens a new world of creative gifts that are sure to be more memorable than those gas station flowers. If you’re one who could use a little more gift guidance, see below:

Avoid coupons for free hugs, kisses and backrubs. Those should be free anyway.

Avoid gifts that can be consumed or will be next week’s trash. Candy, flowers, etc. might be typical Valentine’s Day gifts, but they don’t scream, “I put a lot of thought into this.”

Look for hints. If there is something that your significant other has been hinting at, you’re in luck because you have a blinking light calling you to a gift that will be a hit!

Discuss not giving gifts. If you feel like anything more than candy and flowers is just too much to spend for Valentine’s Day, discuss with your significant other the idea of skipping gifts this year. Instead, just spend time together doing something you both enjoy!

Valentine’s Day dates 101

I don’t know why, but anytime I hear the word “date” I immediately think dinner and a movie. Maybe it’s a go-to because it’s easy or because it’s widely accepted as a “typical date.” Either way, dinner and a movie is an overdone and expensive date—how overpriced is popcorn going to get, anyway?

There is a great big world of memorable dates out there that don’t involve eating in a stuffy dining room crowded with other couples or sitting silently in a movie theater surrounded by junior high couples who were all dropped off by their moms. Let’s ditch the norm and get creative lovebirds!

Check your local events calendar for Valentine’s Day activities. Your city or installation may have free or reasonably-priced activities on February 14^th, like free concerts, plays or even an outdoor movie night (I know, not another movie, but it’s a little different).

Embrace local gems. If you are currently stationed near a beach, take a walk on the beach with your valentine. You may also want to take advantage of other natural treasures, parks or other local attractions, including museums and aquariums.

Cook dinner together. Choose a food you and your significant other love (or one you’d both like to learn to cook) and prepare dinner together. If you want to kick it up a notch, consider taking a one-time cooking class. Dinner is usually included and you can learn something new!

Dine al fresco. Take a break from the typical dinner routine without breaking the bank by simply moving dinner outside! Either enjoy your own backyard or picnic in the park. Just be sure to check the forecast so you aren’t picnicking in six inches of February snow.

Catch a ball game. Warning: this is only an option if you are BOTH sports enthusiasts. This suggestion loses all credibility if you or your love can’t identify the difference between a point and a run.

Sign up for an art class. Paint your own pottery or canvas classes are huge right now. You are able to get creative while having fun, and you get to walk away with a unique piece of art!

When making your Valentine’s Day plans, just remember that it’s only worth the time and money spent if it is fun for both of you. Surprises are not mandatory, but quality time and good company are. Strangely enough, neither of those components is expensive, so save your money and focus on what really matters, each other!

Kristi

The stress divide is clearly defined in our house. I am guaranteed to overreact about everything from running late to a messy house and my husband almost always underreacts (by my overreacting standards anyway). Sure, you could say we kind of balance each other out, but when stress levels are high, things can get a little tense.

I haven’t had much practice dealing with my husband’s stress, and the first time I watched him “spool up”—his words, not mine—I was a little confused because I am rarely on the spectating side of a freak-out. After trying to suggest a couple of solutions that were quickly shot down I just said, “Let me know if you need me, I’ll be in the other room.”

I felt awful the entire time he was stewing in his own stress and I was powerless. I stressed myself out searching for possible solutions for him. Clearly, my unfailing empathy is a blessing and a curse. Later that evening he thanked me for giving him his space to work through his stressful situation.

Excuse me? I couldn’t offer one viable piece of support or suggestion and you’re thanking me? This was new territory for me. I pictured this conversation going much differently, like something along the lines of, “Thanks a lot for ditching me when I needed your help.” Instead of this hypothetical “thanks” drenched in sarcasm, I got a sincere thank you! I was officially stunned and confused, but if ever this situation arose again, I had a pretty simple plan of action:

1. Show concern.
2. Leave the room.

My poor husband, on the other hand, has his work cut out for him. I’m almost always worried or stressed about something (often unnecessarily), and I advertise my stress inconsistently, often in ways that make zero sense to him. In short, I’m a complicated stress mess.

My husband’s number one complaint when I’m stressed is that I don’t explain what’s bothering me or how he can help. This is usually when I logically reply, “Why don’t you just know what I’m thinking?” It’s an absurd question, but it sure would simplify things if he was able to read my mind.

Since I can’t promise that I’ll always have a clear enough mind to express my feelings and ask for help when the next stressful situation arises, here’s a cheat sheet about how to deal with my stress:

• Stress with me. If you offer clear solutions to something that clearly has no simple solution, I will get mad at you.

• Say things like, “I know how you feel,” or “that stinks.” Compliments like “you look pretty,” can’t hurt either.

• Be extra nice. This might not be fair, but it’s worth it to tiptoe so you can stay on my good side.

• Stay out of my way, but stay close by for moral support. If my husband were to totally walk away like he needs me to when he’s stressed, he’d be in some hot water. To me, if someone walks away from me when I’m stressed it means that they don’t care.

Seems pretty simple, right? Maybe it does and maybe it doesn’t. Whether he knows it or not, my husband’s taught me that everyone stresses over different things, everyone handles stress differently and everyone needs support in different ways during times of stress. If you don’t yet know the best way to help your spouse through a stressful situation, it might warrant a conversation (preferably not during a stressful moment).

When my husband and I finally talked about stress, it became clear to us what we needed from each other during times of stress. That conversation also made me realize that I was being unreasonable about some things, like insisting that my husband learn to read my mind.

Once we learned how to best help each other, we were both a little more comfortable during stressful situations. My husband appreciates that I am developing more realistic expectations for his support and I understand it’s not worth stressing over my inability to help my husband with certain things, especially those work dilemmas that he might as well be explaining in another language.