Kristi
Oh, that dirty, little word…deployment. Veteran spouses brush it off saying, “Oh, another one? Let me know when you’re on your way home.” Newbie spouses are torn between their instincts to freak out and put on a brave face. In the days leading up to my husband’s first deployment, I was a classically confused newbie. I cried alone, put on a brave face for everyone else, and before I knew it he was gone.
It then occurred to me that despite the excellent presentations from our family readiness officer, I’d spent all my time worrying about the goodbye and I had no clue what to expect from day-to-day now that he was gone!
I spent the next six months learning these things the hard way. I hope I can save you a little time!
- Baby wipes are a hot commodity in the desert. Had I known this, I would’ve sent the first package full of baby wipes the day I dropped my husband off!
- Customs forms are confusing. First of all, you have to press hard enough to practically etch your information into the post office counter! Why do I list United States as the country when my husband is clearly not in the United States? I’ll be quite honest I still haven’t totally figured those things out after two deployments. My tried and true method is to simply make sure every piece of information from the deployment address ends up on the customs form. Whether you put the unit number in the zip code or street address box appears not to matter since my husband always got my packages. And, as a friendly little piece of advice, you can ask the postal worker for extra forms so you can endure this frustration at home instead of in a room full of strangers.
- Non-military friends and strangers will take the news of the deployment worse than you. Outsiders have a hard time understanding your amazing strength and independence. It’s not their fault; it’s just foreign territory for them. They’ll ask questions that will make you mad, make you cry, and other times they’ll be so upset you may need to comfort them!
- It’s probably not as bad as you think. War is dangerous, of course, but movies and media have a flair for the dramatics. Not every day is a scene from Saving Private Ryan; don’t stress yourself out expecting the worst.
- Watching the news is a dangerous little game. Ignorance really is bliss, isn’t it? Unfortunately, we need the news, to an extent, to stay informed, but if you catch yourself lying awake at night obsessing over an image from a newscast it might be time to turn off the evening news and catch a good sitcom instead.
- Deployment doesn’t equal isolated from civilization. During my husband’s latest deployment he was within walking distance to an Exchange. Clearly he didn’t need me to send survival supplies; in fact, I often wonder why he wasn’t sending me packages!
- Something will go wrong while he’s gone. Kids will get sick. Freak storms will hit. DVD players will break with your favorite holiday movie inside the day you’re hosting a holiday movie marathon, leaving you no choice but to tear the DVD player apart. Anyone else have that one happen?
Some things I only learned once he returned home.
Homecomings rarely look like the movies. For six months, I pictured waving an American flag in a subtly patriotic dress with perfect hair as my husband ran to me. Yes, Chariots of Fire style (music optional). It turned out that my husband was two days late getting home and arrived around 10:00 pm on one of the coldest nights of the year. It was still one of the best days of my life even though it didn’t really match up with that perfect Hollywood image I had in my head throughout his deployment. That image carried me through some of the hardest days, though.
- You did what?! The second you hear anyone talk about a deployment you realize that some things are classified for a reason. Words like fired, bullets, and the names of certain infamous leaders, organizations, and places are enough to send chills down any military spouse’s spine. I’m sure that there are all kinds of things that my husband experienced living in a war zone that he hasn’t shared with me, and maybe that’s the way it should be because, as we know, ignorance is bliss!
Above all, just remember that every deployment is different. We all have little things that we learn along the way. What did you learn from a deployment that might help out other military spouses?
I LOVE this! And trust me, even though we may not admit it, spouses who have endured a few deployments still have those tough moments behind close doors. My husband just left for his 5th deployment and when I said my good-bye and got in the car, I cried as hard as I had the first time. It is natural to want to be with the person you married, everyday, and just because we say I do to a man wearing a uniform, I do not think we automatically get some off switch that eases that pain, the sleepless nights or the loneliness. Great blog, thank you for sharing!
I haven’t learned anything yet. I am looking forward to hearing some thoughts. My son is being deployed for the first time. Any other moms and dads out there that can help me out?
This is our second deployment back to back and they both happened to be MEU’s (marine expeditionary unit) With MEU’s you’re always in and out of river city (no communication from the ship) its constantly going in and out and sometimes for weeks at a time maybe longer just depending on if there is something they need to keep control of on the boat. This can play with your mind. My husband was on the 26th meu last deployment and in very the beginning we went three weeks with no communication. To be 2,000 miles away from our family and friends with an 8 month old and no communication with my husband I was freaking out sitting, crying and thinking the worst. I finally got an email sayin he was okay and not to worry. I’ve always heard the saying “no news is good news” but couldn’t understand how that could be. But now going through these two deployments I’ve learned it’s conpletely true. If something were to happen YOU would be the FIRST to know.
My son is also being deployed for the first time. I know there are other mothers with sons going, not just there spouses. Any info would be nice to have. We also have sleepless nights not know what to expect. I know saying goodby is going to be one of the hardest things I will ever have to do, but you have to stay strong.
WOW! Thank you for this! I shared it with my spouse group on our FB page. You put it in perfect words. I added this: “Gals – whether this is your 1st, 5th, 10th, or last deployment/tdy, remember that everyone goes thru things differently. We all have things we face but may not talk about them in the open. If you are fortunate to have your hubby home, give a call to one who doesn’t and offer specific help. Or lunch. Or dinner. Or just chat. Someone will always have it better . . . someone will always have it worse. Those of us that have been thru a few need to be sympathetic & not tell them how bad you’ve had it. Just listen. Be nice. Be mature. Be a friend.”