“As a military family, one of my most pressing concerns is the effect my husband’s absences will have on my children. Aside from the practical things we do to ready ourselves for a deployment, there is an emotional dimension that isn’t as easily checked off the list as enough pairs of black socks.”
Editor’s note: Today marks the first of a series of columns from a respected and experienced Military Spouse, Vivian. Vivian is an active duty milspouse and military affairs correspondent for a Virginia newspaper. Today, she turned a question from a reader about deployment into a column for you.
Question: “My son is divorced and has a 5 year-old son. He is getting ready to deploy for 15 months and is afraid his son will be affected by his being away as he shares custody for him. Any suggestions?”
This is a question that comes up a lot in military families, how could it not? How are we supposed to minimize the effects of a deployed parent? I have a 5 year-old myself and as he becomes more aware of timelines and what they mean and becomes, well, more of his own little person with his own emotions, thoughts, and feelings, I ,too, worry about the long absences of his “best buddy.”
To help answer your question, I began by trolling MilitaryOneSource’s website (www.MilitaryOneSource.com) and asking friends who have older children what they did when they were younger. Finally, I called in the big guns – two “experts” in the field. Experts in the sense that they have been there, done that (and one has even written a book about it!).
All advice seemed centered on rituals. Both retaining those already in place and creating new ones that involved the missed parent even while they are away. Rituals create and maintain stability. And stability and continuity is key for our wee ones when we are talking about minimizing the disruption of a deployed parent.
My friend, Sue, author of A Family’s Guide to the Military for Dummies, and Air Force spouse, said he needs to build little rituals with his son that continue through the deployment. Perhaps he has a favorite book they like to read together. Sue mentioned the “United Through Reading” program where your son can videotape himself reading the book so that it can be played for his son while he’s gone. Also, he can post videos on TroopTube and share what he’s doing while he’s gone — a personal message from Dad goes a long way!
Another idea Sue mentioned is setting up a Skype account if that is possible, based on issues like connectivity, availability, and the temperament and age of the child. And finally, on the practical side, Sue recommends, if the parents are divorced and the son uses a military treatment facility on base as his primary caregiver, to make sure there is access to the installation for the mother for continuity of care. So, in other words, make sure your son has all his records in order so that his son is listed as a dependent and doesn’t get tied up for medical and administrative matters.
Another experienced military spouse and mother, Nicole, a Navy spouse, whose work with military families in her community got her nominated for the Heroes at Home award in Hampton Roads said to be sure for your son to connect with the local Family Support Services office of whatever branch of service he is attached to. Nicole says they are wonderful resources for discussing his concerns, receiving recommendations, and creating a workable plan for the next 15 months.
Additionally, Nicole said before her husband left on a deployment they went to Build-a-Bear. Her husband and daughter picked out a large cat (“big Kitty”) and they had an exact one in miniature form (“little Kitty”). She kept “big Kitty” and he took “little Kitty” when he deployed. He pre-recorded messages for their daughter and “big Kitty” when on deployment. When he was able to use a webcam he had “little kitty” with him, he sent home pictures of him with “little kitty” in his room, out and about, etc. Nicole said it was a hit! She suggested your son might do the same. Then he could pre-write post cards with funny pictures that you could mail to your grandson (or your son could) and make it one of their rituals. That way, if/when he deploys again, they could maintain that ritual the next time and provide some continuity for what your grandson to expect. They can also create some wonderful memories together this way – with the added bonus of allowing other family members to participate!
One thing our family does is to make a “Countdown Candy” jar. We decorate it together, shop for the candy together (go small, like Skittles, M&Ms, and Hot Tamales), and count them out together. We do it in increments of 3 months so the candy doesn’t go bad. Also, it allows us to another opportunity to discuss what we’ve done in the past 3 months and what we’ll do in the next 3 months. Plus, my two are still young enough to where 365 pieces of candy might be a bit overwhelming to think about at once.
As a military family, one of my most pressing concerns is the effect my husband’s absences will have on my children. Aside from the practical things we do to ready ourselves for a deployment, there is an emotional dimension that isn’t as easily checked off the list as enough pairs of black socks. The fact your family is thinking about this aspect and how to deal with it, is the best course of action any one of us could take. All of the above is good advice but only you can make it applicable for your own family. The military has come a long way with how they treat and support our military families. There are so many resources out there for us, we just have to find the right fit. I hope this helped a bit in getting you started.
Other helpful websites/ideas:
www.MilitaryOneSource.com
http://www.childwelfare.gov/pubs/usermanuals/fatherhood/append_e_7.cfm ,
http://www.militarychild.org/publications/#deployment and others that are given.
www.flatdaddies.com
www.deploymentkids.com
About the author:
Vivian is a Navy veteran and spouse who enjoys writing about her experiences in a military family. As a southern gal, she loves SEC football, any Coke product, and Chick-fil-a. She is currently in a Ph.D. program for public administration which often leads her to get on a soap box about public
service and volunteerism. She and her husband have two little boys (often referred to as Thing 1 and Thing 2 because of their resemblance to the Dr.
Seuss characters), who enjoy peanut butter, frogs, and transformers. They are all looking forward to adopting a dog (to be named Taco) when her
husband returns next year from his GSA deployment to Iraq.