Kids, Stress and Ham Sandwiches

 

When I was around 14 years old my father was stationed at Little Rock Air Force Base in Jacksonville, Arkansas. One of the best things was we

were near beautiful lakes and we were fortunate to have a ski boat and a small motorhome that was just perfect for our family of four. Dad and I were headed up to the lake to set up the day before my mom and sister were to arrive. While driving on the narrow winding road headed to the beautiful Heber Springs Lake, I saw sparks flying out from behind us. As my dad and I both looked to see what was going on, a tire bounced over the top of the motorhome and off into a deep ravine. The sparks were coming from where the tire used to be on the boat trailer we were pulling.

Dad calmly pulled over to the side of the road, got out and assessed the damage. I waited, somewhat freaked out, for him to come back with dire news. I’m not sure what I was expecting, but most likely something along the lines that our lives were in danger and we need to evacuate the area immediately. I sat with our family dog, a half-basset, half-blue tick hound, name Beauregard. I waited anxiously ready to spring, Beau sat next me with a rhythmic thump of his long tail anxious to just get out.

Dad came back in and said, “Well, we have a bit of problem. That was our trailer tire and there’s no way I can retrieve it and we’ve slung all the ball bearings out,” and some other stuff I really can’t remember because I was waiting for the tuck and roll order, which never came. What did come was, “OK, Kelli Anne, fix us a couple of ham sandwiches and let’s think about this.” This was before cell phones and dad had some decisions to make.

I made us some sandwiches; he took Beau for a stroll and came up with a plan. We finally made it to the lake about 15 hours later. Through all of it my dad was calm, matter-of-fact and rolled with it. He kept me and our gear safe and somehow I only remember that as a delay to getting on the water and not a fearful, awful thing.

What I realized as I became a mom, was that my dad had effectively taught me how to respond with a simple request for a ham sandwich. Meanwhile he was securing our safety, assessing the situation and getting help. Years later, now grown with four kids (at the time), we were moving from Camp Pendleton to El Paso, Texas. Just outside San Diego and a few hours from Yuma — and anything else really — my van broke down. My husband was in his truck. We pulled over in the mid-morning heat. It was July. My husband was able to get the van working just enough to get to the next town with a mechanic. It was going to be a few hours to repair the van. We found a great restaurant, cooled off inside, had a big lunch and then spent an hour at the park.

All in all we were down about four hours before we got back on the road. If you ask my two older children about that day they remember details of the event, like the park, the barbecue place we ate, their dad pulling the fan out and at one point green coolant going everywhere. What they don’t remember is being scared, worried or stressed that all was hopeless or that we were in dire straits.

Life happens and we cannot avoid stress, stressful situations or stressful people. I’m not always great at managing my own reactions to day-to-day stresses and I need to remember those reactions set the tone and teach my children just as much as the bigger events do.

We often spend a lot of time talking about how we help our children deal with the stress from the big four; deployments, moves, death and illness. What we often miss is the smaller regular life “stuff.” Things like paying bills, buying groceries, juggling schedules and just our human-ness after a long day of whatever our “stuff” is. How we respond to those things also affects our children. They are tapped into us and even if we shield them from the knowledge of what are our stressors, they still feel it.

There will be times when, for you or your children, a ham sandwich is just not going to be enough. It happens and it is OK to seek help, guidance and support. Don’t let fear of failure or being judged as a bad parent stop you from using every resource at your disposal. One of the most liberating comments ever made to me was, “These are normal reactions to abnormal situations or circumstances.”

Here is my secret mom check list:

• Is everyone safe?
• Is anything currently or in the immediate few minutes going to be destroyed?
• What do we have control over?
• Take action on what you can.
• Have a ham sandwich and if necessary a heart-to-heart talk.

Sometimes that’s enough, but when it’s not, reach out to your network of friends, family and resources. Military OneSource is a great place to start to just get information. From there if you feel you need more help, then Military OneSource can help you figure that out too.

Just remember our kids are watching us all the time and when we effectively manage our stress, they will benefit and learn how to manage theirs.