Kristi
Boxes unpacked — check.
New routines — check.
Kids enrolled in school — check.
Found the grocery store and a go-to pizza place — check.
New friends…
My inner elementary school student is rolling her eyes. She was under the impression that making friends was something she only had to do over lunchroom trades or under the monkey bars at recess. Making friends was awkward and — at times — terrifying back then (maybe that’s just this introvert’s opinion), but I got through it thanks to parental promises like, “It won’t always be that hard.”
Oh yeah, Mom? Unless we already know someone at our new duty station, we have to friend date. Scratch that — we have to speed friend date, and it’s every bit as tedious and awkward as it sounds. We have our tried-and-true locales for friend picking:
- Our service member’s connection
- Our service member’s unit
- Our job
- Our kids’ activities
- Our neighborhood
- Our church
- The gym
And it’s not like our new home is a ghost town. There are people everywhere, but we’re looking for quality, not quantity — this isn’t a Myspace friend-count contest. We have to weed through acquaintances to find “our people.” The people who aren’t going to judge our sweat pants at the early-morning school drop off. We need people who can relate to our venting (story toppers need not apply). We don’t have the time or the energy (or babysitting funding) to show up for things that don’t really interest us. We want to cut to the chase and find instant best buds.
But here’s the catch: We have to speed friend date without seeming too aggressive. Nobody likes a clinger. How do we do it? Well, we can’t very well walk up to a potential BFF and say, “Hi, I’m Kristi. Do you want to be my friend?” That’s a play from my 4-year old’s playbook (except he uses his own name…now). He has a 90 percent success rate with that direct approach, but I doubt very seriously that anyone over the age of 8 could match that feat. Instead:
- Get busy doing what you love, and make your own routines. There’s no point in delaying your family’s rhythm in a new place only to find a friend who doesn’t mesh with it. This could be anything from clashing nap times to work schedules that never cross paths.
- Use social media groups (carefully). Check Facebook for closed groups for your new installation, neighborhood or special interest groups (like play groups or exercise clubs). The closed group status is really important here because you don’t want information about your location or your plans for the day to be public information. These groups can be great ways to find a last-minute pet sitter or a life-long friend.
- Add a friend to make a friend. Nothing helps friend-making cut to the chase like becoming friends or followers on social media. You can skip right over “Where are you from,” “How old are your kids” and “How long have you been here?”
- Extend invitations without counting on company. Being inclusive is being a good friend. I tell my kids that, and it’s true for adults. You can say something as casual as, “We’re going to the park after lunch. You should stop by if you aren’t busy.” Don’t get bent out of shape if your friend is a no-show. Everyone has a routine, and a meetup isn’t always possible. The important thing is that inclusion is contagious. If you extend an invite, a new acquaintance is likely to return the favor.
- Use your kids. That sounds awful, but there’s really no way to sweeten it up. If you focus on setting playdates with your kids or hauling them to one practice or the other, you’ll get to know the other parents. Maybe you’ll find a friend, maybe you won’t, but kids absorb the awkwardness. They fill awkward silence with things like, “I GOT NEW SHOES, SEE?!” And when you’re ready to wrap it up, you can usually count on your amazing little child to need to use the potty “real bad.”
- Be you. Just like we prefer not to waste our time on activities that rank below spending Friday night on the couch, we don’t need to waste our time putting on an act. This doesn’t mean you need to say everything that runs through your head, it just means that if you aren’t meshing with someone, move along. It’s OK not to get along with everyone, and you’ll probably both be happier in acquaintance land.