empowerment – Page 2 – Blog Brigade

Maddie’s Answer: Military Spouse Appreciation

Posted by Blog Brigade on June 8, 2015 at 14:44

Jun 082015

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Dear Maddie,

Any advice for civilian military spouses looking for federal employment? Or anything that is conducive to moving every few years?

Kallie

Hi Kallie,

Let me start by saying, as a fellow active-duty military spouse, I can empathize with this question. Finding federal employment is a great start to landing a job that can usually be easily transferred as your husband gets orders every few years. However, if you are like me, and many others, you may just be wondering “how in the heck do we break through the federal hiring process to get hired?” Well, here is the good news. The Spouse Education and Career Opportunities, or MySECO, is where you need to start. In addition to articles and tips to help you write a successful federal resume, you can speak with a career counselor at no cost. Career counselors can help you with your resume, offer interview tips and even help you decide what direction you want to take with your career. Seriously, visit the website and then give them a call.

I also highly recommend becoming a mentee in the Military Spouse eMentorship Program. They can connect you with a spouse that is already working in your career field. Your mentor is there to help you succeed through networking, sharing personal stories of the path they took to reach success in their career while being a military spouse, and offer career advice from the industry.

Please note that portable careers have evolved so much in recent years thanks to technology. If you have no idea where to even begin finding a portable career, check out “Portable Careers for Military Spouses” to get you started and help you think outside the “typical portable career box.” Telecommuting is becoming mainstream and companies and employees are eagerly embracing it. Depending on your career field, you may be able to talk to your current employer about keeping your job even as you PCS around the country or across the world. Be sure to notify your employer in plenty of time before your impending move and be prepared to present a game plan on how you think your position would work well as a telecommuting career. For example: do you just need an internet connection, computer, and phone to work? Sweet. Then show them how easy that will be to provide from your new location. How will you handle working in a different time zone from your company? Are you open to staying up late or getting up early? Tell them. Does your job offer flexible hours where you can work whenever works best for you as long as you meet your deadline? That’s even better news for you. Work this into your “this is why keeping me on will be great” speech. Remember to think about your proposition from your employer’s perspective and be prepared to answer those questions.

The good news is that military spouses make awesome employees and employers know that. So dust off that resume, brush up on your interview skills…your career awaits.

♥

Maddie

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Maddie’s Answer: Month of the Military Child

Posted by Blog Brigade on April 27, 2015 at 15:47

Apr 272015

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Dear Maddie,

How do I explain a deployment to my 2-and-3-year-olds? They ask “why” a lot and don’t understand that Daddy will be gone for a while where they can’t talk to him or see him. I need to know how to help them without breaking down.

Jennifer

Dear Jennifer,

This is a great question and one shared by plenty of people. There are many ways to help your toddler understand what’s going on and to help you deal with the challenges of deployment as well.

Explaining time: It’s so hard to explain the concept of time to toddlers. They already think that the hour they need to wait for dinner is an eternity. It’s that much harder to explain how long a month or more is for a TDY or deployment. What works for my 3-year-old daughter is making Daddy a part of our everyday conversation. We don’t avoid talking about him – I think that causes more confusion and makes their little minds wonder what happened to Mommy or Daddy if we’re no longer talking about them. In our house, we talk about how Daddy is at “long” work, and he’s working fast to do the best job he can and come home.
Sharing daily life: My daughter usually gets most frustrated when she wants to share something with him. Our solution is a deployment journal, where she can tell me anything she wants me to write down to tell Daddy when he comes home. We fill the journal with jokes, memories and tidbits about our day. We add pictures and she doodles in it, too. It’s something that kids and spouses can do to help feel more connected while their service member is away.
Keeping in touch: We definitely Skype and call with the kids when we can, and my husband sends occasional letters addressed to each of the kids so they feel super special.
Counting down: Make a paper chain and let your child remove one chain a day or week to help countdown to Mommy or Daddy’s return. If you’re really ambitious, have your spouse write messages on each strip before leaving. This works with a countdown calendar, a candy jar – you get the idea. It’s a nice visual reminder for kids and helps reassure them that there’s an end game. And if plans change and your spouse gets delayed, just add a few more links or pieces or candy when your child is napping or out of sight.

But overall, the best thing is to have a positive attitude about the deployment so your kids will, too. This doesn’t mean you can’t cry – you’re human, after all. Just try to save the super meltdowns until after they go to bed. Just remember: you got this. Now take on this deployment with toddlers like the rock star you are.

♥

Maddie

Dear Maddie,

How do I get my teens to understand that I’m also hurting when Dad leaves?

Lucy

Dear Lucy,

Ahhh … teens. Interesting creatures, right? They’re so grown up, yet sooooo not quite there. It sounds like you may be battling some teenage angst while also dealing with your own emotions over your spouse’s deployment. First thing first, it’s totally fine to be struggling with your spouse being gone. It’s ok to cry, skip the laundry, eat microwave popcorn and ice cream for dinner once a week … oh wait, is that just our house?

But seriously, you’re hurting, and I think it’s perfectly normal to acknowledge that. I would talk with your teens in a casual way over pizza or even a friendly game of mini golf. Ok, maybe not mini-golf, but don’t call a family meeting or you’ll risk a teenager shutdown. Tell your teen how you are missing your spouse, and share ways you can all cope as a family. If your teen is being especially teenager-y, chances are that it’s about the deployment, too. Acknowledging your emotions will usually bridge the gap and get them to share as well. And because teenagers are young adults, you can typically negotiate with them. When you’re having what I call a “deployment day,” let them know that you are pretty stressed, sad, whatever it may be. You might be surprised how your teen steps up and helps out. By the way, if you find that your “deployment days” are turning into weeks, it might be time to talk to someone. Find a friend, sister, mom, spiritual leader, or even give Military OneSource a call for confidential help.

♥

Maddie

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So Little Hurry, So Much Wait

Posted by on April 21, 2015 at 14:32

Apr 212015

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I never outgrew the impatience of childhood. Are we there yet? Why is this taking so long? Just pick one, already. I’ll just do it myself. If I were a talking doll, these would be the phrases that repeat every time a child squeezed my hand — hours of fun for the whole family.

Kristi

Imagine how the hair on the back of my neck stands up when I hear the word “wait.” It’s like nails on a chalkboard. My brain doesn’t take breaks, and if I’m forced to wait (which, let’s be honest, I’m a military spouse — it happens daily), I have no choice but to research unlikely what-if scenarios, shop, redecorate or DIY something.

We have orders to move to California in May, and I’m in that awful purgatory: hurry up and wait. I’ve researched everything from housing to where I’ll take the kids on Tuesday mornings from 9 to 10 a.m. I prepared an entire cross-country travel itinerary, complete with timelines and scheduled stops. We’re on the housing list. The movers are scheduled. We’ve decided what will stay with us and what will be spending a tour in storage. And, it should go without saying that I’ve already jumped the gun on our full-service move and started boxing a few things myself.

Even my typically less enthusiastic husband is jumping on the crazy train for this move. It was his suggestion that we tape off the dimensions of our new house and rearrange the furniture to see if it would fit. If you’re picturing me with those little cartoon hearts bursting overhead at the moment he said that, you’re picturing that situation accurately. Best…date night…ever. I made a spreadsheet — I’m not even embarrassed to admit it.

But if I keep prepping at this rate, I am going to reach that embarrassment soon. My grandma, who packs for a weekend trip three weeks in advance, has already started teasing me. “Are you all packed yet?” she pokes sarcastically. “You’ve got time,” she says. “What’s the rush?” she questions.

Surely, I’m not the only antsy military spouse trying to grab a hold of anything move-related that I can control right now. I’m doing my best to occupy my time by:

Cleaning out cabinets, closets and junk drawers (again)
Working
Blogging
Teaching my almost 2-year-old her ABCs and 123s
Creating a pre-k and kindergarten homeschool curriculum from scratch
Creating a west coast travel bucket list

But even all that isn’t distraction enough. I actually pulled out my expired teaching certificates yesterday and toyed with renewing them. Why would I do that? I have no plans to get back into teaching — there I go trying to find something to control, even if it’s completely unnecessary.

So, the new batch of distraction I’m working with is as follows:

Plan birthday festivities for my daughter and husband. Their birthdays are five days apart — even that is hurry up and wait.
Review washers and driers (since we’ll have to buy a set when we arrive).
Find or create recipes that use up the random assortment of staples in the pantry, like two tubs of oatmeal, a weird amount of apple cider vinegar (I always think I’m out and buy more) and a rainbow of unopened salad dressings.
Refinish some furniture that I’ve been meaning to tackle (might as well, since we can’t bring those cans of stain and paint with us).
Replace the dead batteries in my watches (yes, plural).
Work through the inventory in our craft supply closet (construction paper, markers, stickers and such).
Get a grasp on the TRICARE situation at our new duty station — on or off base medical and dental care.
Potty train our daughter to avoid moving diapers and a changing table across state lines.

And that’s pretty much all I’ve got right now. I’m hoping that will hold me for a while (at least until it’s more socially acceptable for our home to resemble the inside of a storage unit).

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Holiday Stress: How to Recognize Signs and Take Care of You

Posted by on December 22, 2014 at 14:42

Dec 222014

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Evy

Holidays are notoriously stressful, we all know that. Along with all the financial stressors there’s also the shopping, wrapping, mailing, etc. that goes along with it. How can you avoid being stressed? It’s all a matter of recognizing the signs so you can find ways to calm down and take care of yourself. As the wife of a former soldier, I know a little something about stress. For instance, as a brand new military spouse, I had one pretty stressful holiday. Maybe my situation — and response to it — will help you in your quest to de-stress over the holidays.

Back in 1990, we were new to the military and had two little girls — one was 3 ½ years old and the other was 18 months old — and assigned to our first duty station in Nuremburg, Germany. It was at a time, before the post-Gulf War drawdown, when housing was scarce. It took my husband more than six months to find housing for us, so the girls and I remained in the United States while he lived in the barracks. When my husband finally found a place, it was a cramped attic apartment about 26 kilometers from the military post. And it was three weeks before Christmas. And my husband was leaving for the Gulf War in two weeks. Yes, it was stressful. Not only did I have to pass my driver’s test so I could drive in a foreign country, but I also had to figure out how to find my way around, including maneuvering the Autobahn. I was despondent over the situation so I told my husband, “I don’t think I’ll even celebrate Christmas this year.” My husband said something that has resonated with me throughout my life. He said, “You’ve got to do it for the girls. You’ve got to make the best of any situation you’re in.” That advice has served me well over the years. I have made it a point to look on the positive side and be happy wherever I am. I’ve taught this same concept to my children and I believe they’re happier because of it. I recommend everyone try to do this, especially during the holidays when stress can sometimes get the best of you.

Beating the mayhem associated with the holidays lies with recognizing the signs that you’re under stress. By identifying the triggers of your holiday blues, you may find new ways to cope. Here are some signs of stress that should be easy to identify in yourself:

Tiredness that cannot be fixed with sleep
Low energy
Irritability
Sensitivity to normal actions or criticisms
Can’t remember things like you used to
Negative feelings
Feeling down or depressed

Now that you can identify when you’re becoming stressed, let’s look at some ways to cope. I found these tips in a Military OneSource article and wanted to share them with you:

Focus on what’s really important — cherishing family, creating memories and having fun.
Simplify your commitments and traditions. Have a family discussion about what’s important and realize that you may have to re-evaluate past traditions — where you spend the holiday, gift giving or how you manage your blended family.
If possible, try something new for the holidays, like planning a vacation with your family or friends.
Spend time with people who care about you.
Volunteer your time to help others.
Reflect on the spiritual significance of the holiday.
Understand that your feelings of sadness or loneliness may not go away just because it’s the time to be jolly. Try to live in the moment and find joy in the good things in your life.
Exercise and eat healthy, balanced meals.

Start planning now for a revamped, stress-free holiday season. You’ll save yourself a lot of grief and learn to revel in this joyous time.

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Time After Time

Posted by on December 16, 2014 at 12:00

Dec 162014

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I watched the TV show, “Major Dad,” when I was little – hopefully that’s not one of those confessions that’s going to show my age. Anyway, the lead character, Major Dad, was what I believed all things military to be: strict, punctual and annoyingly organized.

Kristi

I began to suspect I’d been misinformed when I was dating my husband. He was weeks away from earning his gold wings, but he was still scrambling to finish flights, and your guess would’ve been as good as mine whether he was getting orders to Japan, North Carolina or California. Selfishly, I was concerned with how this uncertainty was going to affect my future. Should I go ahead and splurge on that dress for the winging? Should I start learning Japanese? Did I even need to be worried about these things since he seemed more concerned about gold wings than he did a gold ring?

This military time – and timing – was already getting on my bad side.

Spoiler alert: he did earn his wings…on time, we got married and the books I secretly bought to teach myself Japanese were tossed into the donation box when he got orders to North Carolina. I earned some serious wrinkles and gray hairs from that stressful phase, but no one else seemed to think it was that big of a deal. If you have a red flag, wave it now.

I’m reminded – almost daily – why no one thought all the last minute near misses and changed plans were a big deal. Time after time, it proves to be the norm in the military.

Deployments and homecomings are postponed every day. Schedules change. Parents in uniform miss the birth of their kids. We visualize all the scenarios for our future while we wait for orders, only to learn that we have another month to wait because a board met later than expected.

Then, one day, when we’re crying crocodile tears over a burnt casserole dish or kicking ourselves for getting excited about orders to X when we ended up with Y, we finally accept something:

Military time is not the rigid 0700 that Hollywood thinks it is, but don’t get me wrong, they do – as a whole – get up early. It’s fluid. It’s tentative. It’s the kind of friend you can only take in small doses, rather than the kind of friend you would trust to fall into.

Learning not to blindly trust a military schedule is a tough lesson that every military family member learns on his or her own time, but there’s a fine line between setting realistic expectations and becoming a Debby (or Donny) Downer. I, myself, flirt with that line on a daily basis:

Husband: “My flight was 396052_621366155841_1509259722_n canceled.”

Me: “Of course it was.”

Husband: “My homecoming date slid to the right.”

Me: “Why am I surprised?”

Husband: “Still no news on orders.”

Me (in my best Debby Downer voice): “Wah-waaaaaahhhh.”

Being a military spouse and raising little military brats (I know it’s a term of endearment, but I’d like to state for the record that my kids aren’t actually brats) has helped me cool it a bit on the forward planning (depending on who you ask, but I can see growth). Somewhere between waiting for that first set of orders before I was even an official military spouse, the two-day delay of my husband’s first homecoming (that I learned of the morning he was supposed to come home), canceled nights out, and the day-to-day he said, she said process of waiting for new orders, I learned to be patient and expect sudden changes and disappointments. Then if everything happens according to plan, I’m not only pleasantly surprised, but you’re likely to see me skipping down the street singing “Yankee Doodle.”

So, from my flexible military family to yours, keep everything in perspective, make the most of where you are and remember that you’ll laugh about it later. If you can do those three things, then you’ll snap back from the challenges you face in the military community.

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Letter to My Younger Self

Posted by on November 17, 2014 at 10:40

Nov 172014

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I recently had a lot of time to kill in a dermatology waiting room – I’m talking a solid hour and a half. I’ve waited in shorter lines to meet celebrities, like Nicholas Sparks and Santa Claus. In that time, I studied the

Kristi

faces around me and concluded that I was, without a doubt, the youngest person there (with the exception of a little girl around the age of 4, but she was just tagging along with her grandma).

You never want to be the youngest patient in line for biopsies on a Wednesday afternoon. I was furious with myself because my own poor choices and naïve attitude landed me there.

There isn’t much from my past I regret. I believe that the lessons I learned made me who I am, as corny as that sounds. My mistakes taught me well, and without them, my life might have turned out very differently.

I’d be lying, though, if I didn’t confess the handful of things I would take back. And though a letter to my younger self won’t help me much right now unless someone has the cell number of Doc Brown and one time-traveling DeLorean, I’ll put my lessons learned the hard way out there for my kids, your kids and maybe even you:

Your skin is perfect the way it is. I spent my adolescence covered in oil and baking in lounge chairs and tanning beds. I wasted hours and dollars on tans that faded in a week. My payout is becoming a regular at the dermatologist and undergoing biopsies and surgeries before the age of 30. I’ll never have “just a freckle” again. You don’t need a tan, and you definitely don’t need skin cancer.
Credit cards are for building credit, not destroying it. Those credit card companies saw me coming a mile away. I was happily charging food, gas, plane tickets and shopping sprees in college without really grasping how long I’d be paying them back. I earned a bachelor’s degree and an ugly stack of credit card statements. The accomplishment of paying them off was incredibly rewarding, but I’d easily trade that for trashing them before they did any damage.
Time moves fast enough without wishing it away. First, I do support short-term time rushing. For example, “I wish it was Friday,” is an acceptable statement Monday-Thursday. Beyond that, you’ll always miss something after you move on from it. I miss kindergarten naptime, a time when my only responsibility was homework and the days before my kids learned to crawl (even though they’re still pretty cool now). You’ll never realize it at the time, but exactly where you are right now is a pretty amazing place to be.
You are good enough. I was always shy. I was a perfectionist afraid of sounding stupid or saying the wrong thing. As much as my parents told me how beautiful and brilliant I was, I felt like they kind of had to say that. It took someone like my husband and a few good friends to make me realize that I have important things to say and ideas worth sharing. True, I do say incredibly stupid things sometimes, but it feels great to throw out an idea that is praised. You’ll be recognized and remembered for the things you say and the chances you take, not the other way around.
Silence and ignorance are not the same thing. To amend number four, you don’t have to agree with bad ideas or mean comments. Sometimes you don’t have to speak. You can watch, observe and assess the situation without lifting a finger or speaking a word. Sometimes the easiest way to look smart or spare someone’s feelings or your own reputation is to keep your mouth shut.
Honesty is the best policy, especially with yourself. Don’t embellish or exaggerate to fit in or impress people. The truth always comes out, and you will look foolish – case closed. Don’t bother lying to yourself either because you’re smart enough to see through it. Do yourself a favor and trust your gut. Or your mom – as a mom now, I can say that listening to your mother is the only other viable option.

So, there you have it. Six tips from me to you. Do with them what you will, but I hope that at least one piece of advice resonates with you. I’d hate for you to look back on the day you read this blog and think, “Man, I wish I would have listened to that brilliant, eloquent blogger on Military OneSource.”

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Sticks and Stones Versus Words That Kinda Hurt Me

Posted by on November 10, 2014 at 09:30

Nov 102014

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Ouch. The words sunk deep and hard into my gut.

Amy

I read them again. The punishment from reading them twice was apparently not enough. I hesitate to admit that somewhere in my psyche I wanted them to hurt a third time to validate the inexplicable appearance of tears from the verbal fists to my stomach. They hit me hard. What I read on the page blurring before me was harsh, unreasonable, unfair, mean, snarky…and worst of all, it was from someone I respected. I couldn’t hear the words any other way – I couldn’t unhear their tone any more than one can unfeel a punch. My next reaction was to fix it. I felt a need to do something, return a sharply worded right hook or an eloquent uppercut, or simply explain myself better in hopes of clearing the misunderstanding and receiving an apology…anything to effectively dislodge the painful nouns and verbs eating a hole through my insides.

Certainly we have all experienced bullying. We’ve seen it as kids on the playground: fighting, punching, taunting. As taunter or tauntee, we know it well. We’ve stared in disbelief at imagery in the news while graphic descriptions convey young people, swept away by peer pressure, saying and doing the worst of things to obliterate their target.

But what about when we as not-so-young-people-anymore face something that puts us back on that playground as a kid again, feeling victimized? What do we do as adults when faced with words that are unprofessional or have ill intent? Are we oversensitive if we feel their sting? As adults, it is tough to deny that wounds from words delivered by someone we love or respect hurt deeply. But we aren’t children; we need a grownup response to the feeling of being bullied – in our families, among our friends and in our workplaces.

Digital bullying is real among the adult-set. Written communication is a convenient blind behind which a word bully can hide. Words that would never be uttered face to face are easily hurled with the intent to cripple. It’s cowardly. It is not conversational. It is not meant to aid in arriving at mutual understanding. It can be humiliating and seeking help can open up more humiliation – who wants to admit to crumbling in pain from words, not sticks and stones? There’s a lot of information for kids and parents on bullying, but not much on dealing with the adult version. Having been doubled over a time or two myself and openly admitting it feels horrible, I have some advice for those struggling with the sting of a word-punch to the gut.

Move, don’t sit still. Go to where you were last safe and get fresh perspective from there. Go for a walk, talk to a friend, listen to music, but do not sit still and spin on how the words make you feel and expect to heal doing so. Simply getting up and walking away to change your scenery is enough to break a negative thought loop.
Evaluate the strike. We are all susceptible to triggers – external influences that can bend our behavior badly. Your verbal attacker is not immune either, so it is possible you may not know why these words are coming at you from this person in this manner. Remember that just as triggers can direct our offense – causing us to lash out verbally – they can also cloud our perception. If you are having an emotional reaction to what someone has sent to you, look at how you might be influenced by stress or other factors. Talk about it with a trusted friend – step back for some perspective and be honest. You may be misunderstanding or inferring meaning where there is none.
Expect another. Regardless from where the next one comes, another one will come and you need a plan. Boxers learn to deflect punches and minimize their impact. Blows from words can be deflected, too. What works for you to be able to effectively mitigate their negative impact is unique to you. It has to be effective in moving you forward to a stronger and healthier position.
Deflect the punch and break the grip. You knew it could come. You want to be ready and not reduced to a pile of gooey drama over someone’s words…again. So, learn what works for you. Here are some effective courses of action:

o Let it go. Not every offense or verbal faux pas needs to be addressed. Sometimes it’s best to just duck the punch instead of dwelling on it.

o Move on positively. Ripples in communication happen. Extending this sort of grace to an offender can go a long way in establishing a strong and respectful relationship.

o Break the grip of emotion. Separate yourself from the initial emotional reaction. Learn what you need to do personally to get to rational thought. Do not respond when you are still emotional. Walk away, even if it’s more than once that you do.

o Square up. Is there a need for mutual understanding? Or is letting go the correct course? Be honest. Once you break the grip of emotion, you will be in a rational state and a stronger position to speak on the phone or meet face to face. Plan your conversation.

Being bullied through digital means is terrible. It hurts. It’s humiliating. It reduces us emotionally to a place of childlike vulnerability. It is tempting to revisit the offense, reading the words over and over and feeling their pain. But, please let me convince you: you can move past it. You can have a strong and

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ME TIME: Make It Happen

Posted by on October 27, 2014 at 09:00

Oct 272014

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Kelli

I’m a mother and a grandmother. Four of my six children still live at home. I’m also a wife, daughter, granddaughter and sister. In addition, I’m a best friend, co-worker, PTA parent, lacrosse mom, cross-country mom, Cub Scout leader, teacher, band mom and dog owner. Where in that list does it say I can get my toes done? It doesn’t. In fact, this list says just the opposite.

That list up there. THAT ^ one… It says I don’t have time to get my toes done. I don’t have money to get my hair done. And a massage? That is most definitely out of the question. I can’t be frivolous like that says “the list.” Me time is selfish and should not be on the list.

Demanding, obnoxious little list.

Actually, I love that demanding list. It may seem like a bunch of titles, but to me, it’s my life, my loves, my past and my future. It IS demanding and sometimes unforgiving — especially when I let Guilt step in and control it. Guilt is a terrible taskmaster. But when I’m on track and feeling strong, it’s because I’ve got control of the list.

When I lose control of it, and it happens, Guilt grabs the list, and suddenly, I find myself pulled in a hundred directions all at once. I try to manage everything; yet nothing seems to go right. That just gives Guilt all the more power.

One reason I lose control is because I don’t include me time. Why do I NOT have “me time” on that list? Because society has taught me that me time is selfish. If I take me time, I’m a terrible <insert something from the list above> and not being responsible.

I’m here to tell you to kick Guilt OUT of your life and off your list. Add ME TIME and stand triumphantly on the top of your list and here is why:

We are each the center of our universe, and if we crumble, everything leaning on us crumbles. We have to make sure we are well and healthy or we won’t be able to function, and then we are no good to anyone or anything.

Okay Mrs. Smarty Pants, so how exactly do we work in me time? Well you said it, you have to work it in.

You have to consciously make room for yourself. Two reasons we often keep moving ourselves to the bottom of the list is not enough time and not enough money. The secret is there will never be enough time and money if you don’t start identifying how important you are!

Some things are priceless. Me time doesn’t have to cost money. For me, I regret not walking on the beach in the early mornings more. Maybe the mountains call you or a nearby lake. If the outdoors doesn’t rejuvenate your inner superhero, that’s OK too.

It’s about what feeds YOUR soul.

Set time aside for a daily activity that allows you to just be. Reading a good book, stretching, listening to favorite music, enjoying that amazing cup of tea or whatever you need. After all, it is called ME time.

Set expectations with others or life will stomp all over your calendar and checkbook. If you don’t hold fast, your rebooting time will get used up and before you know it, you will give up because there is just no way you can do it all.

YOU CAN’T DO IT ALL. This is the hardest thing for us to do. Say no and keep the door shut on GUILT.

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Keeping It Classy as a Milspouse

Posted by on April 21, 2014 at 10:20

Apr 212014

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Kelli

There are a few stars that are the iconic essence of classy in my mind: Audrey Hepburn, Grace Kelly, and more currently, Diane Keaton and Meryl Streep. I love how Jennifer Lawrence responded with grace when she fell at the Oscars. Twice. There are also some women — other military spouses, friends and family members — that I’ve gathered up along my journey that to me ooze class. Here are some tips I’ve picked up along the way based on their example. However, a warning: this isn’t about which fork to use or how to properly apply lip liner. While both of these things have their place (especially lip liner), those are not the dos and don’ts that I’m talking about. I’m talking about classiness that goes beyond appearances and right down into the core of who we are.

Educate yourself

While formal education is important, I mean educate yourself on where you are going, who is going to be there, what you are going to be doing and what the requested appropriate dress should be. When in doubt, I’d rather be a little overdressed than underdressed. You can always carry more casual clothes and dress down, but it’s a little more awkward if you have to pull a phone booth change from shorts to a cocktail dress. This isn’t so much about showing off name brands as it is about showing respect for the event you are attending. If you haven’t noticed by now, events in the military are typically filled with symbolism and meaning, from promotions to retirement events and everything in between.

Wise words are often never heard

Ask yourself: is my contribution to this conversation needed, requested and going to make a difference in a positive way? No matter how well meaning our chatter can be, there are times when silence is truly golden. While we don’t have control over what others say, we do have absolute power over what we contribute to a conversation. It may be better to remain silent than to contribute to the running amuck of a rumor regardless if it is based in fact or fiction. Return and reunion dates, other couple’s fidelity or extramarital activities, a friend’s finances and — for certain — baby name choices! If it’s weird to you, it doesn’t matter. Don’t say it! You will never regret holding your opinion when it has to do with something outside your lane. Obviously if a close friend asks if that striped bathing suit looks good on her and it absolutely does not, definitely answer that one honestly. But be gentle.

Language choice and volume

I was in a clinic waiting for my appointment and the mom sitting two rows behind me was so loud, harsh and disruptive in her interaction with her tiny children that by the time I got into triage for my blood pressure to be taken, it was the highest it’s ever been. She could have spoken softer and quieter, if not more gently. We all would have appreciated it. I was in the commissary when a family came around the corner. The small child was obviously a handful. I felt compassion for the mother until she began yelling profanities. I get the stress of motherhood; trust me. Words are powerful and affect all who hear them. Wield that power with the thought in mind that words are either a sword that will cut down those around you or a fairy princess wand that will build up those around you.

Control the beast within

There are times when I feel my beast trying to get out. Someone hurts my kids, has an unfair characterization of me or someone I care about, or is just full of unkindness, lying and deceit. That really gets me going. I’m not always successful. I’ve lived long enough to be able to see a pattern. When I keep cool, stay calm and make the effort to control my temper and speak intelligently, the outcomes are much better than when I go 10 shades of crazy. This one takes practice. Practice using appropriate language, understanding conflict resolution and just being overall confident in who you are in your life. When you stand on solid ground, it’s much harder for someone to knock you down.

Control your alcohol consumption

No judgment here; if you are over 21, you are more than entitled to that glass of wine or margarita. However, be aware of your limit, where you are and who you are with. It’s just common sense to not lose control of yourself or a situation. In fact, it’s a safety issue as much as it is a classiness issue. Those videos from spring break from 1987? Oh wait, WE DIDN’T HAVE THEM. You do now…Your awkward moment can now be relived in high resolution.

Cell phones

We do not all need to hear your conversation. Period.

Lastly, class isn’t about an economic bracket, a black dress with long white gloves and a fabulous up-do. While those things certainly project the image of a class act, the reality is true classiness comes from within, from the very core of who we are and how we handle those moments in life when our character is tested.

Imagine yourself wearing pearls when the beast begins to rise within and just smile and nod. I won’t tell if a little growl escapes.

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Sticking to Your Resolutions

Posted by on March 14, 2014 at 16:52

Mar 142014

Kristi_StickingToYourResolutions

Kristi

In November of 2013, I decided on my New Year’s resolution for 2014; I was going to run a half-marathon. Because I was a little ahead of the game, I set my sights on a race in the middle of February. Game on.

I don’t claim to be a runner by any means. Find proof here and here. You might even say, despite the time I’ve been spending getting to know running over the last year, I was still skeptical that it had good intentions. I started to look forward to my jogs – as a mom of two, it was the only time I really had to myself to hear nothing but 150 beats per minute of music that wasn’t sung by cartoon characters. I felt alive up until mile five or so, and then I had a strong feeling that running was going to be the death of me. Blisters, runner’s knee, chapped lips, mud splatters all over my coordinating jogging outfit and a runny nose (that’s what I get for starting my training in late November) all became painfully obvious around mile five or six when the runner’s high gave way to fatigue.

Week after week, though, I kept at it. Even over the holidays, I ran in freezing rain, 30 mph winds straight out of the arctic and into my face. I was up to running nearly nine miles at a time and was starting to feel like I was, in fact, a runner despite my last ditch effort to avoid that at all costs. I was motivated…

…right up until the day I was physically and mentally ready to register for my half-marathon. I knew my body could make it 13.1 miles and I was ready to commit. Imagine the look of shock and disappointment on my face when I read that my race, my half-marathon, my Everest that I’d worked so hard to conquer was cancelled.

Who does that? How does one just cancel a half-marathon?

As you might imagine, I hit my plateau right around the New Year when everyone else in the world is out pounding the pavement making this the year they get in shape. I’d spent the last two months pushing my body to the max physically and mentally and my adrenaline fizzled quickly with that cancelation.

I went nearly two weeks without a good run. My relationship with running was rocky at best and I felt betrayed by it – like dumped the morning of the prom betrayed. But competition drives me, and after watching my husband join the other motivated joggers in the city, I was finally shamed into getting back into it. Message received, universe. I’m back at it now, but I’m still fighting to stay motivated. My times are slower and distances shorter, but I’m still getting after it.

I’m hanging onto my half-marathon goal, but checking it off of my bucket list will have to wait until later in the year – which still counts because 2014 has 12 whole months.

I’ve realized through this whole situation that setbacks happen. Sometimes they’re our fault and sometimes they’re out of our control. Either way, when we face them, we have to decide whether they’re going to stop us in our tracks or be a hurdle we overcome. Twelve months is a long time, and if you’re discouraged now, step away for a minute and come back to your goal in a couple of weeks. I’m keeping up my usual exercise regimen, but I’m not pushing too hard right now. I’m giving my body time to recuperate and then I’m getting back at it – probably not at warp speed like my first trial run.

When you truly care about your resolution, it becomes bigger than a promise you made to a room full of people at 12:01 a.m. on New Year’s Day; it’s a promise to yourself. Make the decision not to quit on yourself. Push toward something that seemed impossible last year – I certainly never envisioned myself running 13.1 consecutive miles on purpose, let alone paying to do it.

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