Maintaining a Relationship With Your Adopted Child's Birth Family

Before the adoption

Creating a blueprint for the relationship between you and the birth parents will go a long way toward ensuring a lasting, healthy and rewarding connection:

• Talk with your social worker. Be clear about your expectations from the birth parents. There are different types of open adoption, and your social worker can best match you when they know what you are comfortable with. You may prefer to share letters and photos, or you may be open to visits a few times a year or more often. Being honest now will make for a healthier and easier connection later.
• Talk with the birth parents. It might feel uncomfortable at first, but it's helpful to discuss what each of you expects in the relationship once the adoption is finalized. It may take more than one conversation to find common ground and good compromise.
• Choose the relationship with the child's best interests in mind. Try to include the emotional needs of everyone involved, but remember the child's needs come first.
• Consider including the biological grandparents. Generally, grandparents do not have rights to visitation as part of an open adoption agreement. However, you may choose to include the grandparents in your relationship, depending on the situation.
• Put it in writing. Most open adoption agreements include the frequency and type of contact the birth parents will have with the adoptive family. The adoption agreement acts as a tool to help you manage the relationship and can help you avoid hurt feelings and confusion in the future. You can be as specific as you like and include frequency of communication, timing of photos shared and of visits.

The first year

The first few months can be the most challenging for many families. Adoption is an emotional time for both you and the birth parents. You may still be getting to know each other and working out the details of your relationship:

• Consider the birth parents' grief. During the first months after the adoption, the birth parents may be grieving, which can dampen your happiness or bring feelings of guilt. Try to respect that the birth parents made the adoption plan out of love for your child.
• Avoid comparisons. Remember, each adoptive family situation is different. Try to find what works best for you and your family without comparing yourself to others.
• Work out the details of your communication. Many families stay in touch by email, telephone or through a photo-sharing website. The first year is a great time to work out and solidify the logistics of your communication.
• Take time to nurture your relationship. All relationships require attention. You'll want to make the effort to stick to the plan and communicate well for your child's sake.

As your child gets older

As children grow, they may want to find out more about their biological parents. If you've lost touch with the birth family, your child may want to renew the relationship. Even if you've maintained a relationship over the years, the amount of contact your child has with their birth family may change over time. This is not a reflection on you as a parent, but a natural emotional process for your child:

• Take it slow. It's possible your child may not remember his or her birth parents. You could write a letter with a list of your child's questions and encourage the birth parents to write back. As your child gets to know the birth parents, you can plan more communication or visits.
• Support your child in seeking a relationship with the birth family. As children get older, they may want a deeper relationship with the birth mother, birth father or other family members. Do your best to support your child in this effort. Older children and teenagers are often trying to find their place in the world, and knowing their past may help them establish their identity.
• Stay aware of the impact on your child. As you navigate the process of reestablishing a relationship with the birth family, stay aware of how it is affecting your child. If you sense the process is doing more harm than good, it is OK to back off and try something different.
  

Ways to stay in touch

Over the years, it can be fun to keep the birth family updated on all the wonderful things your child is doing. The birth family will enjoy hearing about your child's accomplishments, and your child will be proud to share them. Here are ideas to consider:

• Create a website to post photos and other information about your child. You may want to post copies of awards or special school projects. The website can be a good place for your child and the birth family to communicate. Look for options that let you create private spaces that can only be accessed with a login and password.
• Encourage your child to write letters. Especially if you've lost contact with the birth parents, letters will give your child the chance to share information as years pass. If you do get in touch with the birth parent later on, the letters will become a treasured gift from your child.
• Think of your child's birth parents as extended family. If you have decided on a very open adoption, include birth parents in holiday gift giving and, if you choose, in holiday activities. You may even want to invite them to your child's birthday celebrations.
• Keep up your end of the agreement. No matter the relationship you have with the birth family, be sure to honor what you've agreed upon. Remember the open adoption was created in the best interest of your child.
• Expect occasional conflict. All relationships have moments of strain. Because of the emotions involved in adoption, the relationship can be challenging at times. The best way to move through those difficult times is to work at good communication.

Honesty, flexibility and compassion will go a long way in allowing a positive relationship with birth relatives. Staying focused on the best interest of your child can help you create a connection with the birth parents that can be fulfilling and strong.