For most guys, taking care of their health is not as high a priority as it is for women. Marine Staff Sgt. Mathew Barr, who suffered traumatic brain injuries (TBI) while serving in Iraq, was worse about it than most. Barr found it impossible to even ask for the help he needed. 

“Marines are stubborn,” he said, confessing he ignored signs of TBI for years. “There’s a stigma for seeking help. You’re seen as weak.” 

But Barr, who fought in the Battle of Fallujah in 2004 and Operation Steel Curtain in 2005, said his fits of anger and rage got to be too much. While he never struck his wife, Callie, he admitted to being very difficult to deal with and didn’t understand why she stayed with him, but she did. 

“I knew who he was,” Callie Barr said of the high school sweetheart she married 11 years ago. When she reached a point after one argument where she considered walking out, Mathew broke down, crying and admitted he has demons. “That’s what I needed to hear,” she said, “and we worked through his issues together.” 

Not seeking medical help is already an issue for men in the United States. According to the Department of Health & Human Service’s Agency for Healthcare Research and Quality, men are 24 percent less likely than women to have visited a doctor within the past year. In the military, a 2011 study sponsored by the Departments of Defense and Veterans Affairs (VA) found while the rate of self-reported TBI in Iraq was at about 9 percent, that number increased dramatically to 22 percent a year after service members came back home. That rate rose even higher, to between 33 and 39 percent, after warfighters had separated from service and started receiving treatment from the VA. While researchers offered no explanation for why the numbers increased, Barr, who’s still on active duty, thinks he knows the reason. 

“A lot of Marines don’t seek treatment because their brothers died,” he said, choking back tears. “But when I couldn’t take care of my children (1-year-old Evelyn and 4-year-old Maelee) and my wife, it was time to get help.” 

Callie, who was recently recognized as a caregiver at a ceremony at Fort Belvoir, Virginia, said the most important thing she could do to support Mathew was to stay by his side and make sure he received help. 

“His problems were related to what happened to him. It’s not just him being a jerk,” she said. ”So don’t ignore the signs. Get the help you need.”