Oh, the Internet will forever be a treasure trove of fuckery that continues to surprise me. When I woke up today, I didn’t think that I’d be staring at Kylie Jenner’s Fix-A-Flat nalgas in ass-less latex chaps, but I did. I also didn’t think that I’d be reading a story about how Leonardo DiCaprio gets raped twice by a bear in The Revenant. An actual bear. You know, the kind of bear that goes “grrr.” Bad example. The kind of bear that is really furry and big. Another bad example. Okay, Smokey the Bear. Like that kind of bear. The rumor about Leo getting butt fucked by a bear started when The Drudge Report sounded the alarm and delivered this headline that made us all say, “Damn, Leonardo DiCaprio’s Oscar game is no joke this year!”

Well, thankfully Whoopi Goldberg doesn’t have to discuss bear rape on The View tomorrow morning, because (SPOILER ALERT) that doesn’t happen in the movie. After Drudge’s story went viral, Fox released a statement to Entertainment Weekly saying that no bear rapes Leonardo DiCaprio in The Revenant. The bear is a lady bear and she attacks Leonardo because she thinks her cubs are in danger. She probably saw Leo’s raggedy beard and thought he was eating one of her cubs alive.

“As anyone who has seen the movie can attest, the bear in the film is a female who attacks Hugh Glass because she feels he might be threatening her cubs. There is clearly no rape scene with a bear.”

And well this goes without saying, but that CGI bear is probably going to get an Oscar before Leonardo DiCaprio does.

Thanks to that beard and that wild, used-up copper Chore Boy hair, Prince Hot Ginge is starting to look like someone’s crazy drunk uncle who is always kicked out of bars during the day for barfing on the jukebox and acting a wreck, but I am 100% here for it. PHG is still in South Africa and today this happened during a game of rugby at Durban’s Shark Tank stadium.

Anybody with at least one working brain cell can see that PHG is just adjusting his jockstrap or chonies. Well, it’s a good thing that I don’t have at least one working brain cell, because I can clearly see that his royal crotch sword is sticking out. What’s weird is that the dude in front of him is just standing there. When PHG’s royal crotch sword sticks out like that, that’s your cue to get on your knees and let it knight you. Dude must’ve been too hypnotized by PHG’s majestic beard of fire to notice.

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Pics: Splash

The day after Thanksgiving, Jennifer Aniston’s Lonely Sadling Starter Kit (containing Adele’s new CD, a membership to Rent-A-Cat, a boyfriend pillow, 3 logs of uncooked cookie dough and Aveeno tear wipes) probably showed up on Courteney Cox’s doorstep, because she has broken up with her dude of 2 years.

Courteney and Johnny McDaid of the band Snow Patrol got engaged in June 2014 after dating for 6 months of dating. People says that Johnny isn’t going to become Courteney’s second husband, because they quit each other right before Thanksgiving. Johnny already moved all of his shit out of Courteney’s houses and has gone back to his homeland of the UK. A source tells TMZ that they went to counseling and tried to make it work, but to quote Paula Abdul’s opus Opposites Attract, Johnny goes to bed early and Courteney parties all night. That worked for Paula and MC Skat Kat, but it didn’t work for Courteney and Johnny. And now they’re over.

I always thought these two were good together. I mean, Johnny looks like a second-tier Ralph Fiennes impersonator who moonlights as a serial killer and she looks like the wax puppet he created to taunt his victims. But oh well, now Courteney is free to marry Andy Dick so her name can be Courteney Cox-Dick. Or marry Meat Loaf so her name can be Courteney Cox-Loaf. Or marry Chelsea Handler so her name can be Courteney Cox-Handler. I can do this all day.

Pic: Getty

You’re probably freebasing Red Bull and crushed Vivarin right now, because the break-up of  Tim Tebow and Olivia Culpo kept your eyelids open all night. Well, TMZ has more information we all need to know. TMZ says that it’s impossible that Tim Tebow and Olivia Culpo broke up, because they were never together in the first place.

The story was that Miss Universe 2012 dumped Tim Tebow after 2 months of dating, because her chocha was hungry for peen and wrapped around his peen is a note that reads, “For my future wife and future wife only.” But sources tell TMZ that Tim and Olivia didn’t date for 2 minutes, let alone 2 months. They met at church and hung out with friends, but they never went out alone together. The source claims that the tabloids made it all up.

UsWeekly’s source says that Tim was “super into her” and thinks she’s a “goddess,” but she just got out of a relationship with ex-purity ring wearer turned professional gay baiter Nick Jonas and wasn’t looking for another boyfriend. Olivia’s publicist, I mean, the source, really should’ve kept the “goddess” part out, because that’s when it turned straight into “fanfic written by Olivia Culpo” territory.

So there we go. Tim Tebow and Olivia Culpo probably didn’t date. They definitely didn’t fuck and he’s probably still a coochie virgin. And I fully expect People to report that Michelle Duggar is pregnant for the 4,567,987th time. Because knowing that Tim Tebow is still available for one of his daughters to marry made Jim Bob Duggar shoot a load so powerful that it ripped through his double-pleated khakis and landed in Michelle’s eye. Yup, Michelle and Jim Bob are so fertile that even a load to the eye can knock her up.

Pic: GQ

Making humans look like broken goth robots is kind of photographer Steven Klein’s thing, but dude really outdid himself with these lifeless pictures of Kylie Jenner for Interview magazine. Steven Klein achieved the impossible by making Kylie look even more blank-eyed than usual. Kudos, I guess.

Seen above looking like a Cleopatra sex doll that was returned to the factory for being a little too creepy, Kylie Jenner went HIGH FASHION and HIGH ART and the pictures are so edgy that you’ll have to check Amazon for retina Band-Aids because they’re going to scratch your eyeballs up.

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Either Alex Pettyfer or Alex Pettyfer’s people (Does he have those?) have been trying to paint him as the new “bad boy” of Hollywood for years. Alex is supposedly shitty to work with and he bragged to VMan about how he got the words “thank you” tattooed over his dick just in case he forgets to say it. (I love a cocky b-hole douche so that made me swoon inside a little, but it turns out that his “thank you” tattoo is actually his name in Japanese. Getting your name tattooed in any language on your body is a zillion times more douchey than getting “thank you” inked into your crotch.) After Magic Mike came out, there was a rumor that Channing would rather toss a bitchy armadillo’s salad than work with Alex again.

They fought and Channing told people that he wants nothing to do with Alex. Alex was recently on Bret Easton Ellis’ podcast B.E.E. (via People) and he confirmed that yup, Channing hates him and he admits that it’s mostly his fault.

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Ironically the hardest thing for Fred to unhook that night was her bra. – Sheena

Upvote winner:

That’s not how you hook up with someone. – Loser of Wellington

Pic: KillSomeTime (Thanks Ray!)

Reese’s Peanut Butter “Tree,” the butt nugget looking ass candy that is ruining everyone’s Christmas!

The Starbucks anti-Jesus red cup of dark-sidedness taught us that the war on Christmas is real. And now many, many, many messes on Twitter have pointed out that Reese’s has joined the war and is shitting all over Christmas with their peanut butter cup trees that look like something the Baby Jesus shat up into his loin cloth diaper. Every year, Reese’s puts out Christmas tree-shaped peanut butter cups and every year those things look as much like a Christmas tree as a turd out of a dog’s ass does. But for some reason, this year, people are bitching about it on Twitter. (But in their defense, the Internet’s foundation, insulation, roof, flooring, etc… is made of bitching and moaning.) Refinery29 has a little collection of tricks who shook their head at Reese’s. Reese’s got so much hate that they had to apologize and they explained to ABC News why their peanut butter trees are shaped like chocolate soap (mmmm…chocolate soap).

Hershey’s “enrobing” process has been creating the undefined-shaped sweets for years, spokeswoman Anna Lingeris told ABC News.

“It’s important to remember that these products are not solid chocolate made in molds, which would have a more distinct shape. They are soft peanut butter centers that are enrobed in chocolate, a process which, by its nature creates, a less-distinct shape,” Lingeris said.

Well, if Reese’s can’t get them to be shaped like a Christmas tree, then why in all of the fucks do they call it a “tree“? They should just call it Reese’s Peanut  Butter Reindeer Shit and even if they did, I’d still eat it gladly. (No Scat Queen!)

Pic: @AshweeCarter

Bette Midler (70)
Chanel Iman (25)
Zoe Kravitz (27)
Janelle Monáe (30)
Charles Michael Davis (31)
Mat Kearney (37)
Brad Delson (38)
Laura Ling (39)
Emily Mortimer (44)
Golden Brooks (45)
Sarah Silverman (45)
Nestor Carbonell (48)
Jeremy Northam (54)
Carol Alt (55)
Jane Turner (55)
Candace Bushnell (57)
Charlene Tilton (57)
Deep Roy (58)
Treat Williams (64)
Obba Babatundé (64)
John Densmore (71)
Woody Allen (80)

Pic: Rolling Stone

While driving through Sydney, Taylor Swift saw a girl wearing one of her t-shirts and made her minion pull over so she could take a picture with her fan. Uh huh, more like that sue-happy demon pulled over, because she wanted to check to see if that t-shirt was from her official merchandise store or a bootleg. If it was a bootleg t-shirt, that little girl would’ve had to use her allowance money to hire a damn lawyer – Lainey Gossip 

Because the world really needed another Real Housewives booze brand that tastes like piss and Botox, Sonja Morgan has launched her own liquor and she gave it the really original name of “TipsyGirl” – Reality Tea 

Get ready to eye roll. Are you ready? Okay, Brad Pitt says that being with St. Angie Jolie made him a better actor. And ROLL! – Celebitchy

Gigi Hadid’s in Numero looking like her legs are getting attacked by a mob of leather lampshades – Drunken Stepfather

Daniel Radcliffe wants everyone to know that he didn’t jack off into the butter beer on the set of Harry Potter – The Superficial 

J.K. Rowling’s obsession with Morrissey helped her understand her superfans’ obsession with her – Towleroad

The Photoshop Awards: Kylie Minogue’s Christmas photo shoot – Egotastic

Kate Major went full Kate Major on a plane – Digital Spy

Is this really Bella Thorne or was she not available for the photo shoot so Glamour just used a doll made out of wax? – Hollywood Tuna

Wonky McValtrex is trying to be ~high fashion~ now, but bitch looks more like a half-sedated wet goth weasel – OMG Blog

Selena Gomez thinks she’s too fetus-faced to date older dudes – IDLYITW

Hayden Panettiere is out of rehab – Popoholic

Jennifer Garner hit the pap stroll with Ben Affleck’s mom – Just Jared

Jordan Peele and Chelsea Peretti got engaged – Popsugar

James Deen may be the Bill Cosby of the porn world – Jezebel

Pic: Splash