Relationships

Marrying your best friend could help you live happily ever after

Finally Julia Roberts can get the scientific recognition she deserves. Turns out, she was totally right in My Best Friend’s Wedding: being married to your best friend actually does make you happy (sorry, Julia; congratulations, Cameron Diaz).

According to a study recently published in the National Bureau of Economic Research, married couples who said their spouse was their best friend reported significantly higher rates of life satisfaction than less friendly couples. About half of married or co-habitating couples said their partner was their best friend, and they get almost twice as much “additional life satisfaction” from the relationship than other couples. This finding was consistent even when the researchers controlled for age, gender, income, and health, and was still higher for married buddies than cohabitating couples who said they were best friends.

The benefit of having your spouse be your best friend was much higher for women than for men, but women were also less likely to say that their spouse was their BFF (perhaps because women tend to have lots of close female friendships, while men tend to have fewer).

Marriage rates have declined by almost 60% since 1970, and in 2013 the U.S. marriage rate was the lowest in 100 years (only 31.1 marriages per 1,000 married women). But according to researchers Shawn Grover and John F. Helliwell, who compiled the study on marriage and happiness for the NBER, marriage is strongly correlated with increased happiness, even in less fun periods of life like middle age (this is not to say that middle-aged married people are super happy, they’re just happier than unmarried middle-aged people). They found that even when controlling for the possibility that naturally happy people may be more likely to get married in the first place, marriage comes with a significant increase in life satisfaction. And that increase in life satisfaction endures past the newlywed phase and often result in increased happiness in the long term.

And while marriage is increasingly becoming a “luxury good,” more common among the rich and college-educated, Grover and Helliwell controlled for income in their research, which means that the well-being that comes from marriage isn’t the same as the well-being that comes from wealth.

The idea of ‘letting go’ is so crucial to our mental — and physical — health

This article originally appeared on Refinery29.com.

In a perfect world, all would go just as we wanted — from the outcome of our relationships to our career moves and everything else in-between. But, of course, real life can totally eff with what is important to us, from a quick fling to a long-term love, the perfect job, and the delicate balance of our friendships. As a result, sometimes anything emotional — from anger to resentment and low self-esteem — can infiltrate all unrelated aspects of our lives, too.

“When it comes to the idea of ‘getting over’ something, people often think of it as the equivalent of forgive and forget,” says Elizabeth Lombardo, Ph.D., a clinical psychologist and author of A Happy You. “But, really, while there is the forgive aspect, it’s not about forgetting — it doesn’t mean that you condone what has happened or that it doesn’t hurt — it means that you are releasing the anger, sadness, and resentment that goes along with it.” And you know what else comes out of letting go of a grudge? The negative health aftermath — including legit muscle pain, stomach issues, even migraine headaches — that is sure to be only a few baby steps behind it.

And, while it’s easy to get all hung up on whatever it is that has you bummed — a breakup, the job you didn’t get, a fight with a friend — Lombardo says that once these things happen, really, they aren’t what’s got you feeling down. “What hurts after the fact is not the event itself,” she says. “It’s the present interpretation of the event — ‘I didn’t get the job I wanted last year, so I took a job I hate, and now I’m miserable because I didn’t get the job in the past.’ It’s the perception of what that event meant at the time, but also what it means right now.” This blame game could hold us back from actually getting what we want. “We put a lot of blame on events, but really, how do we know that that’s true? We make this assumption and we can’t change the past, so then we remain stuck in an emotional pattern caused by that event.”

(MORE: Go On, Get Mad! How Anger Can Be Healthy)

So, how do you break the can’t-get-past-it BS that could be the actual thing standing in your emotional way? “Ask yourself: How helpful is feeling this way for me?” says Lombardo. “Instead of thinking that you didn’t get that job because you aren’t any good, really look at the situation and what happened. Maybe you and the interviewer had bad chemistry, or you went in unprepared, or you didn’t really understand the position — really look into the ingredients that contributed to the outcome.”

Seems easy, right? Well, not if you suffer from what most people do — a love of what Lombardo refers to as global generalization. “Instinctually, we want to make sense of stuff, and that can lead us to making sweeping generalizations that act as a defense mechanism,” she says. If you think “I’m never going to meet anyone now that we broke up,” then may be you don’t go out or meet new people, and make it so that is, in fact, the result. “Sometimes, it’s easier to think negatively, and then when that negativity manifests, say, ‘See, I was right!’” she says. “But if you’re going to make an assumption, why not let it be positive?”

Kathy Andersen, a well-being coach and author of Change Your Shoes, Live Your Greatest Life, suggests coming up with replacement feelings. “If you don’t have anything to replace the grief, anger, abandonment with, then you might hold onto them longer than you need or want to,” she says. Whatever negative emotion you have, think about the opposite emotion that you want to have, and one thing that you can do to feel it. So, for example, if you’re lonely, may be you could go for a walk in the park, volunteer, or call a friend. “Once you start with one experience and one feeling, you can bring it into your life more fully and more consistently, and let go of the emotions tied to the event that you don’t want in your life any longer,” says Andersen, who notes that aiming for 15 minutes every day for a month is enough. “The transformation this brings about automatically brings you to the next step.”

(MORE: What Shame & Guilt Can Do To Your Wallet)

And, it turns out, not being able to ‘get over it’ is what can actually lead to guilt, too. “When we can’t move on, we often feel disheartened, because the concept feels like you need to forget about it — but it remains with you, and then you start to wonder what is wrong with you,” says Andersen. “So, many people say, ‘Oh, move on!’ and then we hear that and it doesn’t compute.”

Yet, the idea of ‘letting go’ is so crucial to our mental — and physical — health. “It can affect our psychological health, how we view ourselves, and behavior,” says Lombardo. “If, after a breakup, you feel like you’ll never meet anyone, then you don’t even try to put yourself out there to meet anyone; plus, research shows that holding on to negative feelings can put a huge stress on our bodies, leading to chronic pain and aches, insomnia, and even weight gain.”

While it might sound all new-age-y, experts agree that it all comes down to your view and current perception. This is known as the Law of Attraction, when thoughts come to fruition because your behavior (even unconsciously) reflects that belief (good or bad), causing us to behave differently toward people and vice versa. One of the best ways to move on, according to Lombardo, is to ask yourself what you can learn from this. “We can learn from every single thing — be objective, instead of personalizing,” she says.

(MORE: Stop Telling Women They’re Crazy)

Experts also say that visualizing what you do want is essential. “We are so focused on what we don’t want, and then that’s what we often get,” says Lombardo. “Your brain literally thinks, ‘I guess being miserable for the rest of her life is what she wants, because she says she will be!’” So, basically, mind trick yourself: Andersen suggests first closing your eyes and picturing the perfect job, significant other, apartment, or whatever it is, and experience the positive emotions you feel from that — over time, that can help be the catalyst to get what you do want.

Then, pick up a piece of paper and literally write down how or why you would benefit from getting over x, y, or z. And, accept that the thing you want to get over happened. “Again, it doesn’t mean that you agree, or that you’re necessarily happy with the situation that occurred, but it means that you are accepting that these are the cards that you were dealt, and you can either be pissed about it or decide that you are going to play the best darn game that I can with them.”

How do you know when you may need a pro to help you talk through it? First, simple enough, if that is what comes to mind that you might need, well, then you probably should. But there are other I-could-cope-better red flags: “If you aren’t functioning the way that you used to; if the situation has affected your physical health, like you aren’t sleeping well; or you’re argumentative with friends or loved ones, then you should seek out a professional’s help,” says Lombardo. “Mourn the loss, but if negative behavior after is consistent, then seek out a professional to talk it out.”

We're talking about the entrepreneur who cofounded OkCupid and now heads up the company that owns Tinder

Sam Yagan, the CEO of online dating juggernaut Match Group (which owns Tinder and Match.com), and the cofounder of OkCupid, revealed during a Reddit AMA session on Monday that he has never been on an online date.

Yagan, who was listed in the 2013 TIME 100, admitted that the other three co-founders of OkCupid (OkC) had never been on an online date, either.

He explained: “We were all dating our future wives when we started OkC. And before that, we were basically in college where online dating wasn’t really pervasive.”

Dissatisfied with this answer, one Redditor quipped: “Sounds like a ringing endorsement!”

Nonetheless, Yagan reiterated his belief that online dating was “the most effective tool ever created” for finding “affection or companionship.” He also offered guidance to one frustrated Redditor, going by the name “Warlizard,” who wondered why he had yet to find “true love” on an online dating site.

Yagan ventured: “Maybe have a more inviting username than ‘warlizard’? :).”

The king of the “swipe right” universe declined to confirm if a paid version of Tinder was in the works, nor was he able to satisfy everyone with a question to ask in the limited time available.

As one put it: “So, just like on OkCupid, you respond a couple times and disappear?”

Because nobody can handle being alone anymore

Last night, hordes of lonely hearts went online to oversell their love of Wes Anderson, Sriracha and being “down-to-Earth” in an attempt to find love. In other words: they tried online dating.

The Sunday after New Year’s Day is the busiest time of the year for online dating, according to data provided by dating sites Match and Plenty of Fish. More specifically, the most traffic to those sites came between 5 p.m. and 8 p.m. at night, the Washington Post reports. Zoosk, another popular dating site, added that the Sunday after New Year’s was also its biggest day for traffic in 2014.

But if you missed the window last night and think all the good potential mates are taken, don’t worry. The period between New Year’s and Valentine’s Day is the most active season, so you’ve still got a chance to find somebody.

It’s not difficult to imagine the surge in online dating has something to do with New Year’s resolutions to “put myself out there more,” though researchers suggest it comes from the abundance of spare time people have during the holidays, meaning they’re spending more time on their phones and computers. Plus, the holiday season is generally a lonely time for single people, so it could also be an attempt to combat that.

So get to it, single people of the Internet. Time to create a new profile or dust off your old one. For a new, modern touch, try adding that you have conflicting feelings about Serial, or for a more classic approach, just say you “hate drama.” Happy hunting!

A lot of women are guilty of fishing for compliments or looking to partners for praise

This article originally appeared on Refinery29.com.

One of my recent guilty pleasures is this dating show where the participants meet, naked, on an island, and try to find love. In one episode of Dating Naked, a female contestant seemed to be hitching her self esteem to the compliments of the naked meathead with whom she was riding horses. “He told me I was beautiful, so that made me beautiful…” she said.

I wanted to throw a pillow at my television screen and yell, “NO! You’re beautiful, period!” The premise of the show is pretty ridiculous in and of itself, but what I found even more outrageous was this woman’s inability to feel beautiful without her guy’s assessment.

And yet, a lot of women are guilty of fishing for compliments or looking to partners for praise. I’m certainly not exempt from this. The fact is, it’s not easy to only look within ourselves to affirm our beauty. I often talk about how confidence is complicated. I know from experience that being confident is a journey, not a destination, and I’ll be the first to admit that it’s a tough road. While I try to be self-assured and poised, others’ opinions (men’s especially), have had an impact on how I feel about myself and my appearance.

(MORE: This Is How We Should Be Talking About Beauty)

My dad raised me to believe that I’m beautiful, inside and out — and I’m grateful for that. Unfortunately, I couldn’t stay in that protective bubble forever. Growing up, if someone I was crushing on didn’t feel similarly about me, I questioned my attractiveness. But, if a boy asked me to a dance, I could feel my self-esteem sky-rocket. In college, when I was single, I wondered if it had something to do with how I looked. But, when I started dating a guy who told me I was beautiful, well, then it was easy to believe I was.

Eventually, I began to realize: I was doing myself a disservice by allowing the men I dated to determine how I felt about myself. I mean, they call it self esteem for a reason, you know? Wanting to get off this exhausting roller coaster (feeling good about myself one month, lousy the next) I decided to return to what my father had taught me so many years ago: I’m beautiful — period.

(MORE: The Dress That Made Me Like My Body)

The thing is, I can appreciate the boost I feel when a man compliments my appearance, but it’s far more important that I feel good about myself regardless. I don’t want my positive self-image to be defined by the way a man sees me. I was able to put this idea to the test about a month ago when I decided to take out my hair extensions and rock my short, natural hair (you can watch that process if you’re interested). As I went from hair that fell down my back to a short cut that hits just below my ears, I knew I loved it.

But, although I felt gorgeous and had a spring in my step when I walked out of the salon, I worried that if my boyfriend didn’t like it, my bright mood would dampen. More than that: I knew that I wanted him to be attracted to me with my new ‘do. Still, I also told myself that what mattered most was how I felt about it. And, I meant it. The minute my man saw me, though, I could tell by the look on his face that he loved it. That took me from cloud nine to cloud 10.

And, it hit me: When our partners make us feel beautiful, it’s not a bad thing — as long as we also feel beautiful on our own. It’s kind of like that pair of jeans that makes your ass look amazing. Those jeans aren’t magic, but they might just have the power to make you feel hotter than you already know you are.

(MORE: Body Image: The War Nobody Wins)

Try these science-backed ways to deal with 7 types of difficult people — all while keeping your cool

Raise your hand if you’ve gotten stuck chatting with someone you hate at a holiday party recently. Whether it’s a drunk close-talker or a very vocal amateur nutritionist, there’s always a person who’s going to put a damper on your evening. But, you don’t have to fake a phone call (or an injury) to avoid someone who’s whiny, selfish, or downright mean. Instead, try these science-backed ways to deal with seven types of difficult people — all while keeping your cool.

The Constant Complainer: We all complain sometimes. Then there are those people who whine so often, you start to wonder if they’re just looking for attention. It becomes even more frustrating when they don’t seem motivated to fix any of their own problems — and dismiss your advice when you try to help. Indeed, social psychologists have flagged “help-rejecting complainers” as some of the most exasperating types of people to know. The best way to deal, psychologists say, is to keep from getting too emotionally invested in your friend’s psychodrama. How? Acknowledge your buddy’s frustration; then, ask calmly what he or she intends to do about it. That puts the onus on your pal to find a solution.

The Self-Righteous Exerciser: You had a double cheeseburger for dinner last night, and then slept through your morning workout. Meanwhile, your friend just posted the umpteenth screenshot of calories burned and miles logged. Not only is it dull to hear all the trivial details of someone else’s juice cleanse or personal-training session, it also forces you to confront your own sense of inadequacy for failing to measure up. One way to cope is to remind yourself that your pal is probably trying to find motivation to keep up good habits — rather than purposely trying to make you feel crappy about your own sloth. Studies suggest that people tend to overestimate the extent to which others will be happy or proud for them (and underestimate how annoying they might come across). Try engaging your friend politely, but briefly; you’ll encourage those good intentions while (hopefully) keeping them from getting carried away.

MORE Why It’s So Hard To Make New Friends

The Angry Drunk: People who get nasty when they drink aren’t just a nuisance; they can also make you feel like you’re walking on eggshells to avoid antagonizing them further. No matter how angry your boozy friend makes you, resist the urge to provoke him or her back. Studies show that when aggressive drunks have an opportunity to respond in a peaceful way, they usually will. Distraction works, too, because it exploits drunk people’s tendency to lose focus. Pinball, anyone?

The Personal-Cause Solicitor: It’s hard not to feel like Scrooge when you roll your eyes at a friend’s latest attempt to raise money for a charity race. Your annoyance is likely compounded by a sense of obligation; studies show that people are more compelled to donate when they’re close to the person doing the soliciting. If the cause appeals to you, it’s probably worth giving a little — plenty of studies demonstrate that you get an emotional boost from doing something charitable. Resist the urge to contribute merely out of guilt, though. One study at the London School of Economics found — not surprisingly — that people who who donated because of social pressure felt less satisfied with their decision than those who made the choice on their own. You can always commend your friend on the commitment to charity without feeling obligated to kick in your own funds.

The Guilt Tripper: It sucks to hang out with someone who makes you feel bad about yourself the whole time. Studies show that guilt tripping is actually a pretty effective way to spur a change in behavior, though — as long as the person being guilted agrees he or she is acting out of the ordinary. If someone’s guilting you, start by asking yourself if you’ve done something truly reprehensible. If so, try to make amends.

MORE Why You Shouldn’t Resolve To Lose Weight This Year

If you decide you’re being your normal, angelic self, though (and your friend is just being manipulative), your best bet is to get some space from all the negativity. Research shows that when you’re interrupted by something positive, you feel less compelled to give in to someone trying to guilt you. With that in mind, find a happy-go-lucky friend to cheer you up, or sweat it out in your favorite SoulCycle class—whatever it is you need to do to boost your self-esteem and reassure yourself that no, you’re not a bad person.

The Adult Bully: People often tease for well-intentioned reasons, like to establish intimacy or demonstrate camaraderie. There’s a fine line between good-natured ribbing and annoying or hurtful “joking.” Yes, it can be cringe-inducing to admit your feelings are hurt — but try saying something like, “I know you’re just fooling around, but I’m a little sensitive lately,” to a frequent teaser. If the person won’t stop, consider whether you might have hurt him or her somehow: Research has shown that people are more inclined to use aggressive humor when they feel they’ve been wronged.

The Social Media Bragger: It doesn’t matter how many times you yawn or audibly sigh — some people will never get the message that you’re tired of hearing how great their jobs, spouses, or vacation plans are. Of course, there’s no shortage of shameless bragging on social media, either (witness the #luckygirl or #humblebrag hashtags). To ease your frustrations, think about the bragger’s underlying motivations — chances are, that person is insecure, needs validation, or has low self-esteem. If all else fails, remember that you’re probably not the only one feeling chafed by your friend’s self-congratulatory attitude; save up your annoyance for some group venting later.

MORE How Much Can You Change After 30?

This article originally appeared on Refinery29.com

Read next: Here’s the Secret to Communicating With Irrational, Angry or Crazy People

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There are millions of reasons to feel grateful. Acknowledge them all, big and small, every day, and you just may put yourself on the path to better health

This article originally appeared on RealSimple.com.

Count your blessings. Say “thank you.” Consider yourself lucky. They’re directives our parents gave us so we would grow into decent people with decent manners. It turns out, the same advice helps make our brains and bodies healthier, too. “There is a magnetic appeal to gratitude,” says Robert Emmons, a professor of psychology at the University of California, Davis, and a pioneer of gratitude research. “It speaks to a need that’s deeply entrenched.” It’s as if we need to give thanks and be thanked, just as it’s important to feel respected and connected socially. From an evolutionary perspective, feelings of gratitude probably helped bind communities together. When people appreciate the goodness that they’ve received, they feel compelled to give back. This interdependence allows not only an individual to survive and prosper but also society as a whole. It’s easy, in these modern times, to forget this, however. We’re too busy or distracted, or we’ve unwittingly become a tad too self-entitled. We disconnect from others and suffer the consequences, such as loneliness, anger, or even a less robust immune system.

“Gratitude serves as a corrective,” says Emmons, who is the author of Gratitude Works! But by gratitude, he doesn’t mean just uttering a “Hey, thanks” or shooting off a perfunctory e-mail. He means establishing a full-on gratitude ritual, whether it’s a morning meditation of what you’re thankful for, a bedtime counting of blessings, or a gratitude journal (see How to Give Thanks, right). This concerted, consistent effort to notice and appreciate the good things flowing to us—from the crunch of autumn leaves to the holiday spirit—changes us for the better on many levels, say gratitude experts. Here’s how.

1. You’ll feel happier.

In a seminal study by Emmons, subjects who wrote down one thing that they were grateful for every day reported being 25 percent happier for a full six months after following this practice for just three weeks. In a University of Pennsylvania study, subjects wrote letters of gratitude to people who had done them a major service but had never been fully thanked. After the subjects personally presented these letters, they reported substantially decreased symptoms of depression for as long as a full month.

(MORE: 7 Quick Stress-Busters for When You Have a Full House)

2. You’ll boost your energy levels.

In Emmons’s gratitude-journal studies, those who regularly wrote down things that they were thankful for consistently reported an ever increasing sense of vitality. Control subjects who simply kept a general diary saw little increase, if any. The reason is unclear, but improvements in physical health (see below), also associated with giving thanks, may have something to do with it. The better your body functions, the more energetic you feel.

3. You get healthier.

A gratitude practice has also been associated with improved kidney function, reduced blood-pressure and stress-hormone levels, and a stronger heart. Experts believe that the link comes from the tendency of grateful people to appreciate their health more than others do, which leads them to take better care of themselves. They avoid deleterious behaviors, like smoking and drinking excessive alcohol. They exercise, on average, 33 percent more and sleep an extra half hour a night.

(MORE: These “Healthy” Foods Have Way More Sugar Than You Thought)

4. You’ll be more resilient.

When we notice kindness and other gifts we’ve benefited from, our brains become wired to seek out the positives in any situation, even dire ones. As a result, we’re better at bouncing back from loss and trauma. “A grateful stance toward life is relatively immune to both fortune and misfortune,” says Emmons. We see the blessings, not just the curses.

5. You’ll improve your relationship.

A 2012 Journal of Personality and Social Psychology study of more than 300 coupled people found that those who felt more appreciated by their partners were more likely to appreciate their partners in return and to stay in the relationship nine months later, compared with couples who didn’t feel appreciated by each other. Christine Carter, a sociologist at the Greater Good Science Center, at the University of California, Berkeley, notes that gratitude can rewire our brains to appreciate the things in our relationships that are going well. It can calm down the nervous system and counter the fight-or-flight stress response, she says. You can’t be grateful and resentful at the same time.

(MORE: One More Reason to Enjoy a Cup of Coffee)

6. You’ll be a nicer person.

People can’t help but pay gratitude forward. When appreciation is expressed, it triggers a biological response in the recipient’s brain, including a surge of the feel-good chemical dopamine, says Emmons. So when you express gratitude toward a spouse, a colleague, or a friend, he or she feels grateful in return, and the back-and-forth continues. What’s more, thanking your benefactors makes them feel good about the kind acts that they’ve done, so they want to continue doing them, not only for you but also for others.

(MORE: The One Emotion That Lasts The Longest)

Inspired? Research has shown that one of the best ways to home in on the people and the experiences we appreciate is through writing in a gratitude journal. Recording our thoughts, by hand or electronically, helps us focus them, explains Emmons, who says that he, too, does this exercise to remind himself “how good gratitude is. It gives us time to understand better the meaning and importance of people and events in our lives.” Here are strategies for maximizing the benefits:

1. Go for depth rather than breadth. This will help you truly savor what you appreciate, and keep your journal from becoming simply a list of nice thoughts. (Journals like that tend to get abandoned.)

2. Write consistently. But it’s OK if you can’t do it every day. Once or twice a week is enough to boost happiness.

3. Write freely. Don’t sweat the grammar and the spelling. No one else will see this journal unless you want someone to.

4. Don’t think of this as just one more self-improvement project. Rather, it’s an opportunity to reflect on other people and the above-and-beyond things that they’ve done for you, says Emmons. In other words, “it’s not all about us,” he says. “This may be the most important lesson about trying to become more grateful.”

(MORE: 19 Small Changes You Can Make to Improve Your Health)

Duana C. Welch, Ph.D., is the author of 'Love Factually: 10 Proven Steps from I Wish to I Do,' releasing on January 7, 2015. You can get a free chapter and see more at www.lovefactually.co.

When I met the love of my life, I didn’t choose him for romantic reasons at first. I chose him because the science said to

Take it from me: There’s nothing better than waking up next to your forever sweetheart. But I speak from experience when I say there’s little worse than trying to find him if you don’t know what you’re doing.

For many years, I struggled and got my heart broken. Finally, it occurred to me: I’m a science nerd. Haven’t some other nerds studied the foundation of successful relationships? And if so, could I game the data and make it work for me?

Yes, and yes. Here’s what I did, and how you can do it too.

I Stopped Thinking Love Was Enough

Love Is All You Need makes for a great song, but not a workable life plan.

BS (Before Science), I fell in love and hoped everything would work out; after all, isn’t it true that if you have love, you’ve got it all?

Lots of folks think so. Most Americans list love as the main or only reason for marriage, and that’s a trend found throughout the Western world. But that doesn’t always pan out so well; just consider the 47% divorce rate for first marriages, and the 75% divorce rate for couples where both partners brought children to the union.

Or consider my own divorce. I loved my ex; but it didn’t save us.

I’m not suggesting love is unimportant. All over the world, love is literally considered indispensable in a life mate. And folks who don’t love their mate tend to cheat or leave. So don’t marry without it! But science now shows that love is “necessary but not sufficient” — required, but not the only requirement.

I Started Valuing The Right Stuff

Fortunately, 4+ decades of research showed me what’s absolutely necessary in a partner if you want your marriage to be long and happy: kindness, respect, and similarity.

As Dave Barry said, “A person who’s nice to you but rude to the waiter is not a nice person.” Science couldn’t agree more. In fact, it’s impossible to overstate the importance of finding and being someone kind and respectful — not only to us, but to others, even when things aren’t going their way. The wrong partner takes their bad day out on others; the right one exercises self-control and treats us well anyway.

Research in 37 countries and cultures also shows it’s also vital to find someone as similar to us as possible. People don’t argue over the ways they’re alike! In one big study, scientists listed the most common things couples argue over, and every topic began with the word “differences.” Choosing birds of a feather will make your whole life happier, whereas opposites detract.

The surprising way to get similarity? Make a list of everything you want in a partner, and then divide it into your Must-Haves and Desirables. Must-Haves are just that — things without which this relationship is a no-go. Desirables are things you’d love to have, but if the guy was otherwise golden, you could happily compromise.

The List helps you get someone similar to you because as it happens, most folks end up describing themselves. Those are the best standards you can have.

I did all this, and Vic was a total mesh and mensch. My every day is happy because I can be myself and know he loves that — and versa-vice.

I Stopped Doing First Things Last

Right now, America is smack-dab in the middle of hook-up culture — a nebulous way of getting involved where people start with some level of sexual activity, then fall in love (or not), and only then examine whether they’re compatible.

This is a problem for at least two reasons. First, as we’ve already seen, we can fall in love with someone wrong for us. And second, hooking up can make it much likelier that women will fall for Mr. Wrong, while simultaneously prodding men to remain emotionally detached. In one study, fully 75% of women in a hook-up scenario said they were having a tough time keeping their emotional distance — but 75% of men said just the opposite!

Falling in love with the right one, and having him love us back, means reversing the hook-up process.

So I did. I made a list of what I wanted in a mate; I screened for kindness, respect, and similarity before allowing myself to fall deeply in love; and I made sure sex happened after everything else.

I gave myself the gift of using the best odds — in the right order.

I Started Nurturing Realistic Hope

Feeling hopeless? I know I did. In fact, Vic and I met when I was so disheartened from a prior break-up, I wanted to hole up and eat Little Debbies ‘til the end of time.

But science taught me that hope is the realistic attitude when it comes to finding and keeping love. Most people find a permanent mate; and twice as many married people are very happy than people who are living together, single, divorced, or widowed. Finding and keeping one good marriage partner makes people healthier, wealthier, happier, more accomplished, more sexually active and satisfied, and even longer-lived. I’d always wanted all of that; who wouldn’t?

If all these other people could do it, why not me? Why not you?

Plus, when we’re hopeless, it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy; we don’t make the effort, because we don’t see the point.

I also ditched the “There are no good men” line of thinking. I’m a pretty good person, and I’ll bet you are, too. And you can expect to attract what you offer. In fact, finding and marrying our equal is so common, there’s a scientific term for it: the matching phenomenon.

So I knew that if I had good stuff to offer, it was entirely reasonable to hold out for someone who had that good stuff in return. Vic and I are true peers — seeing eye to eye and loving each other to the core.

I Stopped Expecting Dating To Be Fun, & I Started Going Out Whether or Not I Felt Like It.

Science also taught me something else about hope: When we work toward our goals, especially when the task isn’t necessarily fun, hope grows stronger.

So instead of waiting for hope to grow, or expecting dating to always be fun, I took action and watched my attitude follow.

Specifically, I developed a policy of going out anytime someone asked me, regardless of my desire to date. Despite a terrible break-up just prior to meeting Vic, I said yes when he asked to see me.

Here’s where I’m supposed to say we lived happily ever after. And it’s true; just not in the “head over heels from the day we met” kind of way.

See, I’m in an arranged marriage. I arranged it, through science instead of kin. Tired of being hurt, I learned everything I could about finding and keeping love, and I applied it. I persevered no matter how disappointed or heartbroken I’d been, because I learned to look at dating as a process not unlike job interviews; I needed someone fantastic for the job of My Life Partner, and I needed to work for as long as it took until I found him and he found me right back.

I nurtured hope, which is realistic, instead of pessimism, which is fatalistic. I showed men I liked them, but I didn’t let my heart go until they matched me and loved me first. I applied the science, much as a loving family might apply their standards, levelly and coolly, to choose a mate for their beloved grown child.

I didn’t marry for love. I married for a good match in every important regard, plus kindness, respect, similarity — and love. I got what research shows people tend to get from that: a love that started slowly and has built every year. Vic and I are coming up on our seventh wedding anniversary. I love him more now than the day we wed, and more every year than the year before.

Upshot? When I met the love of my life, I didn’t choose him for romantic reasons at first. I chose him because the science said to. The romance followed, stronger and stronger, and we will love each other for a lifetime. I wish the same for you.

This article originally appeared on xoJane.com