Our more than 180,000 combined followers on Twitter (click here for that) and on Facebook (then click here to subscribe to that) know that on weekday afternoons we regularly share a selection of that evening's late-night jokes before broadcast. We publish a collection of these and other jokes when the shows are not on hiatus.

Previous collections of late-night jokes are available here.

Fallon: Joe Biden was down in South America repairing relations with Brazil. Biden said, “It's great to be in the Amazon. I've always wanted to see where all the books come from.”

Conan: Hershey’s has unveiled a 3D printer that makes chocolate. If you think Americans get angry over a jammed paper printer, wait till that happens to their chocolate printer.

Fallon: Harry Reid is recovering after his exercise resistance band snapped, causing him to fall. The good news is he's fine. The bad news is there's no video.

Conan: Ex-Gov. Mike Huckabee might be running for President. And if you think Mike Huckabee can’t possibly win, don’t forget they said the same thing six years ago about Mike Huckabee.

Fallon: The N.Y. Jets are expected to name a new coach soon. The leading candidate is reportedly former Buffalo Bills coach Doug Marrone. A lot of people are upset about the news-- mostly Doug Marrone.

Conan: The average college freshman reads at a seventh-grade level. Or if you’re an optimist, every seventh grader now reads at a college freshman level.

Fallon: Kanye West has teamed with Paul McCartney for a new single, “Only One.” Asked what it was like working with a music legend and pioneer, Kanye said, “I'm sure he was pretty intimidated.”

Conan: Parts of Minnesota are as cold as 50 below zero these days. Minnesotans heard this and said, “So it’s Spring already?”

Conan: Plans are underway to build an NFL stadium in Los Angeles. That’s good news because it’s been at least a decade since LA had a sports team not to care about.

Conan: General Mills plans to make a new flavor of Cheerios with quinoa. At the bottom of each box is a special prize— Cheerios NOT made with quinoa.

Conan: A new study finds that watching Fox News makes you more conservative, watching MSNBC makes you more liberal and watching CNN makes you believe that no plane has ever safely reached its destination.

Possibly three million French citizens and hundreds of thousands of others around the world marched in solidarity and defiance of terrorism Sunday after the week's murders and hostage-takings in and near Paris.

More than 50 world leaders journeyed to Paris to join French President Francois Hollande in the bold street march, likely the largest in French history, against terrorism and for freedom of speech.

They included, arm-in-arm, German Chancellor Angela Merkel, Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu, British Prime Minister David Cameron and Palestinian Authority head Mahmoud Abbas.

Leaders from Spain, Italy, Sweden, Finland, Norway, Turkey, Ukraine, Russia, Mali and Jordan also dropped everything to attend, as did French Muslim leaders. “Paris is today the capital of the world,” Hollande declared.

Demonstrating the style of absentee international leadership his countrymen have come to expect, U.S. President Obama remained holed up in the White House Sunday.

Vice President Biden did the same at his private Delaware home. Secretary of State John Kerry, who's said climate change is the worst threat facing global humanity, was also invisible.

On Wednesday before a State of the Union speech preview swing cross-country, Obama called the terrorist killings "cowardly, evil acts." But then he strangely added, "The most important thing I want to say is that our thoughts and prayers are with the families of those who’ve been lost in France."

Obama added, "It's so important for us to stand in solidarity" with France.

But he was either too busy or perhaps fearful of security concerns. So, instead of asking a former president like Bill Clinton or George W. Bush to represent America in Paris, only our ambassador marched.

Soon-to-be-ex-Atty. General Eric Holder showed up for a photo-op, but did not march. And he's not exactly a symbol of unity anywhere and one who himself has ordered investigations of journalists.

Chancellor Merkel said, “When these values (of freedom of speech) are threatened, we can say only one thing: We have to stand united.” She was captured in a touching photo resting her head sympathetically on Hollande's shoulder.

Back home in Germany overnight, the offices of the Hamburg Morgenpost were torched by arsonists in apparent retaliation for reprinting some of the Paris weekly's cartoons depicting Mohammed.

Obama's predictable response to the multiple terror attacks and 17 deaths in France was to call for a February summit in Washington against "violent extremism."

Sen. John Hoeven gives the Republican Party's Weekly Remarks

I want to start, however, with some good news we got yesterday from Nebraska. The Nebraska Supreme Court has decided that their state has properly determined the route of the Keystone KL pipeline. (Scroll down for video of these remarks.)

Now, only the federal government is holding it up, and that’s unfortunate because the Keystone XL pipeline is all about energy, jobs, economic growth, and national security.

Along with roads, rail, and transmission lines, pipelines like the Keystone XL are part of a comprehensive national energy plan. The pipeline will carry 830,000 barrels of oil a day, including 100,000 barrels of domestic oil from North Dakota and Montana.

Working with one of our closest friends and allies, Canada, we can achieve true North American energy security at home, and at the same time help our allies abroad, which makes our people more secure both here and overseas.

The oil and gas we are producing in North America is already changing the global geo-political dynamic, weakening petro-dependent states like Russia, Iran, and Venezuela and strengthening America‎.

Domestic energy production is also good news for American families and small businesses because increased supply is reducing the price of gas at the pump and putting more money in their pockets.

Lower prices at the pump, down by more than 60 cents a gallon from a year ago, will have the equivalent effect of cutting taxes in the U.S. by between $100 billion and $125 billion, according to economists.

That is a tremendous boon to the American economy because energy is a foundational industry. Virtually every other industry sector depends on it and does better when energy prices are lower.

The benefits of lower energy prices flow across the economic spectrum, but they especially help middle and low income households because those households spend a larger share of their budget on energy.

In 2013, energy accounted for 27 percent of after-tax household income for families making less than $30,000, but only 9 percent for households making $50,000 or more.

But make no mistake: gasoline prices aren’t lower now because OPEC decided to give us a Christmas present this year.

President Obama's weekly remarks

Hi, everybody. About a year ago, I promised that 2014 would be a breakthrough year for America. And this week, we got more evidence to back that up.

In December, our businesses created 240,000 new jobs. The unemployment rate fell to 5.6%. That means that 2014 was the strongest year for job growth since the 1990s. In 2014, unemployment fell faster than it has in three decades.

Over a 58-month streak, our businesses have created 11.2 million new jobs. After a decade of decline, American manufacturing is in its best stretch of job growth since the ‘90s. America is now the world’s number one producer of oil and gas, helping to save drivers about a buck-ten a gallon at the pump over this time last year. Thanks to the Affordable Care Act, about 10 million Americans have gained health insurance in the past year alone. We have cut our deficits by about two-thirds. And after 13 long years, our war in Afghanistan has come to a responsible end, and more of our brave troops have come home.

It has been six years since the crisis. Those years have demanded hard work and sacrifice on everybody’s part. So as a country, we have every right to be proud of what we’ve got to show for it. America’s resurgence is real. And now that we’ve got some calmer waters, if we all do our part, if we all pitch in, we can make sure that tide starts lifting all boats again. We can make sure that the middle class is the engine that powers America’s prosperity for decades to come.

That’ll be the focus of my State of the Union Address in a couple weeks — building on the progress we’ve made. But I figured, why wait — let’s get started right now.

On Wednesday, I visited a Ford plant outside of Detroit — because the American auto industry and its home state are redefining the word “comeback.” On Thursday, I traveled to Arizona, a state that was hit among the hardest by the housing crisis, to announce a new plan that will put hundreds of dollars in new homeowners’ pockets, and help more new families buy their first home. And, I’m speaking with you today from Pellissippi State Community College in Tennessee, a state making big strides in education, to unveil my new plan to make two years of community college free for every responsible student. I’m also here to establish a new hub that will attract more good-paying, high-tech manufacturing jobs to our shores.

Making home-ownership easier. Bringing a higher education within reach. Creating more good jobs that pay good wages. These are just some of the ways we can help every American get ahead in the new economy. And there’s more to come. Because America is coming back. And I want to go full speed ahead. Thanks, everybody, and have a great weekend. ####

Previous weekly remarks from both parties are available here.

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Some really big news coming from President Obama today: He's got an idea of free community college for everyone for two years.

Like many exciting Obama ideas, it sounds too good to be true. Remember the $2,500 health insurance savings he promised on every family's health insurance costs under ObamaCare?

But according to a video teaser POTUS taped sitting at -- no, wait -- sitting on his desk aboard Air Force One, Obama's going to outline the plan today at Knoxville's Pellissippi Community College as part of his State of the Union preview tour.

Then, as we described here earlier this week, he's going to describe it again on national TV during his State of the Union address on Jan. 20.

"Put simply," Obama explains, "what I'd like to do is see the first two years of community college free for everybody who's willing to work for it."

Wait, there's more!

"That's right, free for everybody who is willing to work for it."

If you're one of the youth legions who fell for Obama in 2008, you might wonder why your hero waited on this sweet freebie until 75% of his two terms were gone and you'd accumulated in excess of $100,000 in student loans. But that's your problem.

"Under President Obama's new proposal," his White House website excitedly touted, "students would be able to earn the first half of a bachelor's degree, or earn the technical skills needed in the workforce -- all at no cost to them."

"Responsible students" would get free community college tuitions as long as they attended class at least half-time and maintained a 2.5 average during steady progress toward a degree. This would save each student about $3,800 a year, Obama said he figures.

Obama also figures all 1,100 community colleges in all his 57 states would want to participate.

It's somewhat surprising that the Democrat would announce such a major giveaway on a Friday, a day usually reserved by his administration for document dumps of bad news timed to gather minimal attention. But he's competing for media time and space with a new Congress that thinks it's an equal branch of government.

The president's cost totals are typically a little vague. But the federal government (meaning, you if you pay taxes) would fork over 75% of the tuition subsidy's price tag and states would ante up the remaining 25%. Obama sees no problems there.

Like many Obama plans, this new spending idea equals a sum total exceeding the digits available on my calculator. But that doesn't matter right now because none of this is ever going to happen.

Remember Obama's similarly-financed idea for universal pre-K back in 2013? That swell-sounding, $75 billion idea went nowhere in a Congress half-controlled by Democrats. Although, as planned, the proposal did help Obama control a few news cycles, a couple of Sunday talk-show segments and provided him a tasty, if hopeless, talking point ever since.

Today, Congress is totally controlled by budget-conscious Republicans. So are 31 governorships, two territories and most state legislative chambers.

Other than that though, President Obama's generous plan for free college for everyone today is a clear Go.

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The deadly terrorist attack on journalists in Paris Wednesday killed 12 and shocked the world, especially among nations honoring traditions of freedom of speech.

It also should shake many out of the semi-comfortable conventional wisdom that the threat of attacks by Islamic extremists had morphed into isolated lone-wolf killings, like those in Australia and Canada. The slaughter carried out in and about the offices of the satirical weekly Charlie Hebdo, which has mocked Islam's prophet along with numerous other religions, was not conducted by a deranged suicidal individual inspired by a distant jihadism.

It was conducted by a trio of well-trained men operating like commandos who sought their defenseless victims by name and had a getaway car waiting. Authorities quickly identified three Muslim suspects, likely to heighten already high emotions and protests over their large-scale immigrant presence in many European countries.

Although his press secretary appeared initially reluctant to call the attack terrorism, President Obama did so ("terrible terrorist attack") during a brief photo-op before -- there he goes again -- heading out of town on another three-day campaign swing to talk about what he's going to talk about to Congress on Jan. 20. (Scroll down for C-SPAN video of the president's comments.)

"That this was an attack on journalists, attack on our free press, also underscores the degree to which these terrorists fear freedom -- of speech and freedom of the press. But the one thing that I'm very confident about is that the values that we share with the French people, a belief -- a universal belief in the freedom of expression, is something that can't be silenced because of the senseless violence of the few."

Obama accepted no questions, understandably in the early confused hours of such a tragedy. But what the killings underscore is the Obama administration's consistently muddled -- and dangerous -- public attitude toward terrorism in recent years.

It may be clear in Obama's mind, but that doesn't matter if it conveys confusion or weakness to terrorist adversaries. Recall that Bill Clinton's underwhelming reaction to terrorist attacks in the 1990's caused Osama bin Laden to judge the U.S. weak and vacillating as he set in motion planning for 9/11.

At various times -- for instance, the intense election year of 2012 -- Obama has sought to look ruthlessly determined to crush al Qaeda, one by one, to the point of aides leaking that he kept a list of terrorists destined for death by drone. The Democrat has boasted of the terror group's leadership being decimated, on the run and on the path to defeat.

His long Hawaii vacation over and new Republican majorities ensconced in firm control of Congress, President Obama today set out to make the last quarter of his administration more productive and radically different from his first six years racked by partisanship and finger-pointing.

Obama wasted no time setting a New Year's tone of conciliation and cooperation with the empowered GOP through a series of urgent meetings with congressional leaders to find common ground on work for the American people. As he put it in his Dec. 19 news conference:

"I’m being absolutely sincere when I say I want to work with this new Congress to get things done, to make those investments, to make sure the government is working better and smarter."

Oh, wait. No. Obama's done none of that. That's what a smart president like Bill Clinton did after losing both houses of Congress in 1994. And clearly has no intention of fulfilling his "absolutely sincere" pledge to work with the equal branch of government on Capitol Hill.

In fact, on the very day the 114th Congress convened, the new, more cooperative Obama kicked off the session by vowing to veto a bipartisan congressional endorsement of the job-rich Keystone XL pipeline that he's been pretending to evaluate for six years now. That could prove embarrassing, however, if Keystone gets a veto-proof two-thirds vote.

Then to underline his disinterest in developing a viable working relationship, the Democrat is fleeing Washington today and tomorrow and the next day for his umpteenth campaign swing telling voters what they need to tell Congress to do.

The White House bills the trip to Detroit, Phoenix and Knoxville as a preview of his State of the Union address on Jan. 20. He will talk about the auto industry recovery that cost nearly 10-billion taxpayer dollars and the booming economy, housing and affording college.

Most presidents travel to repeat their SOTU wish-list themes after they're presented to a joint session of Congress on prime-time TV. But aides say this year Obama intends to spend the next two weeks talking about what he's going to talk about. On Jan. 20, he'll actually talk the talk. And then after, he'll talk about what he talked about.

Conan O'Brien pointedly described the president's pointless advance speech journey earlier this week: "Obama plans a three-day tour to preview his State of the Union address. It's pretty exciting—Obama rushes out on the stage and shouts, “ARE YOU READY FOR SOME STUFF THAT’S NEVER GOING TO HAPPEN?”

Obama and Harry Reid can't face the trans-continental rejection of their policies and procedures by midterm voters. But with that resounding voter endorsement producing an historic House majority and a workable Senate one, the GOP has a golden chance to show its governing prowess in these 670 days until the presidential election.

So, what does a clownish, rump posse of disgruntled House conservatives do? It launches a very public, very hopeless bid to thwart the will of colleagues, who already voted, and oust John Boehner as speaker.

Ah, that's just what the media loves to cover -- old conservative white guys squabbling over political spoils before they do a lick of work, if that's what members of Congress do for their $172K.

Now, Boehner is a pragmatic politician. He's nowhere near as openly conservative and confrontational as some vocal ideological purists. He doesn't grandstand with long-winded denunciations that get tribe members in war paint all excited while Americans silently think, "WTH?"

A lot of people are unhappy with Boehner's un-rabid demeanor. When hyperbolic Boehner critics say there's no difference between him and the Dems, refresh your mental screen with the image of Nancy Pelosi. She engineered ObamaCare's passage without reading it.

Boehner notes Congress' approval rating way up there at 14%, less than a third of flailing Obama. Boehner's made the symbolic, futile try at repealing ObamaCare parts -- what? -- three dozen times.

Under his leadership the House passed nearly 400 common-sense conservative bills that Harry Reid so feared he wouldn't even bring them up in the Senate, lest Democrats reveal their true colors. That worked well. Ask Begich, Pryor, Hagan, Udall, Landrieu.

Voters saw through that obstruction and Harry now sits powerless for two years until Nevada Gov. Brian Sandoval shoos him into a retirement home.

But Boehner was out there all fall quietly fundraising and campaigning to enlarge Republicans' already dominant majority to the largest in almost nine decades. Give us a chance, he told the country, and we'll show you how conservatives can govern. Even in a divided government. They looked at Reid diddling and Obama blaming, fundraising and golfing. And they bought it.

Boehner won. A repeat of his midterm leadership victory in 2010. Which pretty much blows up the argument that more Boehner equals disaster. And his grateful members -- sorry, pollsters, the only folks who matter in choosing speakers -- re-elected him in their November caucus.

Rep. Rodney Davis gives the Republican Party's Weekly Address

Happy New Year, everyone. I’m Congressman Rodney Davis from the great state of Illinois. I’m honored to be speaking with you from Springfield, the home and resting place of one of our greatest presidents, Abraham Lincoln.

On Tuesday, we begin a new Congress, and that means a new start on the people’s business. (Scroll down for video of these remarks.)

If we work together, we have a great opportunity to grow our economy and put our nation on solid footing for a bright future. That’s why the House will start off with jobs bills that have bipartisan support but were never considered by a Democratic-run Senate.

One of those initiatives is a bill I’ve sponsored called the Hire More Heroes Act. What this bill does: it makes a commonsense change to the president’s health care law that will encourage small businesses to hire more of our nation’s veterans.

You see, one problem with the health care law — one of many — is that because of its costs and mandates, small businesses face higher costs and have to hold off on hiring. When small businesses — the engine of our economy — can’t hire, we can’t move forward.

That’s where the Hire More Heroes Act comes in. This bill exempts veterans already enrolled in healthcare plans through the Department of Defense or the VA from being counted toward the employee limit under the health care law.

So not only are we providing small businesses — and our economy — with much-needed relief, but we’re also helping more of our veterans find work. Because despite receiving the best training in the world, post-9/11 veterans are consistently faced with higher unemployment rates than that of other veterans. As more and more of these men and women return home, the Hire More Heroes Act will give them a better chance in a still-tough job market.

The Hire More Heroes Act is an example of the kind of bipartisan jobs bills the House will be bringing up on your behalf. In the coming days, the House will also act on legislation to approve the Keystone XL pipeline, and to restore the 40-hour workweek for middle class families.

From there, more good ideas for jobs and growth will follow. If the president is willing to work with us, we’ll have a real chance to address our nation's most pressing challenges.

There’s one more thing I want to tell you about the Hire More Heroes Act. This idea didn’t come from Washington; it came from right here in Illinois. Brad Lavite, the superintendent of the Veterans Assistance Commission in Madison County came to me after seeing how unemployed veterans and service members were having a difficult time navigating the new health care law. Then we got started on this and other ideas to help

Listening to the people and making your priorities our priorities: that’s what you can expect from this new American Congress. If we all unite and work together, 2015 will be a great year for our country.

For now, thank you for listening. God bless all our veterans and service members, and God bless the United States of America. ####

Previous weekly remarks from both parties are available here.

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Joe Biden gives President Obama's weekly remarks

Hello everyone, this is Joe Biden. I want to wish you all a Happy New Year.

I know this is the time of year when we make resolutions to take care of our health, whether it's joining a gym or eating healthier. But there's one thing you can do right now that will also make a big difference in your health: that is getting quality, affordable health insurance through the Affordable Care Act.

Because of that law, access to quality health care is improving. Last year, almost 7 million people signed up for health care coverage under the new law and paid their premiums. And in many cases the cost of health care is less than the cost of your cell phone or your cable bill. In addition, millions more are getting the care that they need through Medicaid that they weren't getting before.

And because of the new law, people who already had health insurance are also benefitting from additional protections. For example, their insurance companies can't deny them coverage because of pre-existing conditions, like asthma or diabetes. And they’re able to get — for free — preventive services like mammograms or blood pressure screenings that their doctors ordered for them, saving them a lot of money.

Everyone is beginning to realize what millions of you already know — the Affordable Care Act is working. And we're just getting started.

Because there are millions more of you who can get quality, affordable health care if you sign up before February 15th of this year. That’s now through February 15th.

Now if you don't have insurance, you can go to HealthCare.gov, where you'll find a menu of a bunch of different plans and what each plan covers and how much each plan costs. All you have to do is just pick one. The best one that fits your family's health care needs and your family's budget.

If you don't want to go to HealthCare.gov and you want to talk to somebody on the phone instead, you can call, I'm going to give you the number now, you can call 1-800-318-2596. From this moment on, you can call any time of the day, any day of the week. Phone lines are open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. And for folks listening today whose family and friends may not speak English: let them know that there are translators available in over 150 language to guide them through the process.