Tough Love and the Battle Back Home

Filed under 2011 Symposium, Behavioral Health, Soldier and Family Story, Symposium by on July 25, 2011 at 4:04 pm {no comments}

By Alan Morales, WTC Stratcom

AW2 Symposium delegate and spouse Crystal Ransom and her husband retired SPC Matthew Ransom with their two children.

It wasn’t until about 30 minutes into my conversation with AW2 Symposium delegate Crystal Ransom that something colorful caught my eye. I turned and noticed neon pink embroidery pop-up off her Army green camouflage purse. I gestured to the purse and asked her, “Does that say what, I think it does?” She grinned, plopped the purse in front of me, and proudly replied, “Yes. U.S. Army Retired Wife.”

Crystal reminded me of that kind of Southern woman who would scold you for not finishing dinner, serve you another helping, and walk out of the room with a smile. She’s a friendly soul, and follows a set of beliefs that are shaped by her life experiences. I realized that of all her challenges, living with her husband’s injuries has tested her the most as a woman, a mother, and an Army wife.

Retired SPC Matthew Ransom, Crystal’s husband, wasn’t injured by an explosion or a training exercise. Like so many of his fellow Soldiers, his injury was silent. It slowly penetrated his mind and body to manifest itself into a behavioral injury that took over his life and his Family’s. Nevertheless, Crystal was not a bystander in her marriage. She could tell the difference in her husband’s personality between his first and second deployment and was not going to let any injury continue harm him—or their Family.

“You have two choices. You either admit you have PTSD, admit you are an alcoholic, and seek help. Or I’ll leave you,” Crystal told Matthew a few years ago.

Her words struck me by surprise at first. In fact, I took a pause after she said it. But when she saw the expression on my face she explained, “Oh don’t you worry, I wasn’t going to divorce him. This is just the way we work. It got him to get the help he needed. And I can prove it. He’s two and a half years sober.”

In addition to Matthew’s post-traumatic stress disorder, he sustained degenerative disc disease (DDD) in his spine as a result of wearing heavy combat medic gear. Because the illness deteriorates the cartilage in his spine, Matthew decreased in height from six foot five to six foot two in a matter of years. To this day, he sleeps upright on his couch at home because laying on his back is too painful.

Nevertheless, Crystal faced her husband’s DDD just like she faced the other obstacles in her life. Head on.

Today, Crystal works hard to make sure that her children grow-up understanding how to accommodate their father’s injuries. From teaching them the consequences of waking “daddy” off the couch too early, to letting them know when he’s trying to get through an episode, Crystal prepares them now to avoid challenges later.

She lives and breathes her role as an Army wife. She married an active duty Soldier, and takes pride in the ability to help other Army wives adapt their marriage to military culture. “I’ve always been an Army wife. I don’t know what it’s like to be a civilian wife,” said Crystal.

Just yesterday, I witnessed her calm another spouse who was taking an emotional break from the AW2 Symposium focus groups. “You’ve got to be bigger than this. It’s about the greater goal. You’ve got to do this for all the other women out there,” Crystal said to the delegate. She proved to me once again how she motivates others to lead them to their own successes.

Crystal is a mover and a shaker. She understands the nuances of what drives people, and more importantly, what drives her Family. In that hallway yesterday, I saw determination in her eyes and saw her inspire another individual to affect change. And she did it all while letting the world know with four neon pink embroidered words who she is—a U.S. Army Retired Wife.

Speaking Out and Gaining Hope—A Guardsman Spouse’s Story

Filed under 2011 Symposium, Behavioral Health, Symposium by on July 21, 2011 at 1:31 pm {no comments}

By Alan Morales, WTC Stratcom

AW2 spouse Danielle Barber and her husband AW2 Veteran Rob Barber at the 2011 AW2 Symposium.

Danielle Barber was sitting across the table from me at lunch when I first met her at the 2011 AW2 Symposium. She had a big smile on her face and an infectious laugh that spread around the table.

Little did I know that behind that upstate New York smile was a woman who fights daily for something she believes in—her marriage. Danielle is the spouse of an Army Guardsman and lives a life that is different than that of her fellow wounded warrior active duty wives. She didn’t have the benefit of living on post. She was not welcomed by a Family Readiness Group at her doorstep. All she had was the love for her husband to keep driving her forward. And to this day—it still does.

I learned from Danielle that her husband, Rob, sustained a traumatic brain injury (TBI) and post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) in 2006. As a gunner, Rob’s job kept him in the midst of battle, and his daily routine continuously exposed him to the rawness of war. Danielle doesn’t know exactly what happened to her husband downrange, but as she explained to me, “I don’t need to know. I need to let him deal with the reality of his own experience.” However, she was aware of one thing. War changed him into a different man.

Danielle described her relationship with Rob pre-deployment as a romantic one. She looked away from me as she attempted to envision their relationship years ago. “He used to call me cupcake and hold my hand when we walked down the street,” she explained, as she wiped a tear away from her cheek. Rob’s experiences had a lasting effect on him, one he tried to change, but was out of his control.

Danielle explained, “I could handle the lead up to the war, I could handle the war itself, but it was the life immediately after the war that I couldn’t handle.”

Through the years, the Barbers have gone to doctors, therapy sessions, and rehabilitation. All have helped to some degree, but it seems that communication was the catalyst for change. “He has a voice, and I can see that he’s happy. It’s changed him,” said Danielle about Rob’s Symposium experience.

I realized that Rob was looking for an opportunity to share his perspective, experiences, and opinions. The AW2 Symposium enabled him to do just that, not only for himself, but also for those that will follow after him. Although I didn’t hear what he said in the focus groups that day, one thing was sure. He was heard by his fellow wounded warriors.

That evening was date night at the AW2 Symposium, a time for delegate couples to spend time together and reconnect. “I’m nervous. Rob’s been talking so much more since we got here,” Danielle laughed. “We actually had a conversation last night! Who knows what will happen tonight.” I could sense the anxiety in her voice, but also a glimmer of excitement in her demeanor. She leaned in, gripped her hands together, and didn’t say a single word. She just smiled.

The next morning at breakfast, I caught Danielle and Rob before they headed to their focus group session. “So how was the date last night?” I pried. Danielle’s face beamed, and she described everything from the lobster dinner they shared to the walk they had after dinner.

More importantly, she leaned in, and this time told me the three words that explained it all, “We held hands.”

Danielle’s story demonstrated to me that love motivates her and her husband to keep working towards improving their lives as they live with Rob’s injuries. This week, the Barbers are around others like them who face similar situations. This opportunity gives them the ability to see what progress looks like and what their future could possibly look like in the years to come.

Although Danielle is well aware of the challenges that will come down the road, she walked out of breakfast that morning with something much greater than memories of her lobster dinner from the night before. She left with hope.

Boundaries

Filed under Behavioral Health, Diana Hume, Soldier and Family Story by on June 24, 2011 at 2:53 pm {one comment}

By Diana Hume, AW2 Reserve Spouse

Diana Hume analyzes boundaries in her life to ensure they are adjusted to help her live a better life.

Editor’s Note: Diana Hume is a feature blogger for AW2 and shares her experiences as the wife of a severely wounded reservist. The expressed comments and views of guest bloggers do not reflect the views of WTC or the United States Army.

Boundaries are an interesting topic, especially for wounded warrior Families. As we are well aware, many times war begins because of boundary disputes. Once on the battlefield, warriors do not see boundaries, they do what is necessary in order to survive and protect. However, once war is over and the dust settles, the wounds of war dramatically begin to change our once familiar boundaries.

The pain of war’s wounds so easily takes away the familiar which is not a huge news flash for those who live with them every day. In a blink of an eye, our boundaries begin to morph into something foreign right under our noses. Our world becomes smaller and everyday normal things change and often disappear. As each day begins in this new place, all that is in our thoughts is to get through it, just make it to the next day. The unknown about what life will be the next day is many times fueled by fear and over time, reality sets in and confirms that our new boundaries stopped the healing.

As I write this, I am learning what I need to do with my new foreign boundaries. First, I need to dig inside and hope I uncover anything that reminds me of the freedom without boundaries. What it was like before the pain became part of daily life—life before the wounds. I am realizing that mine were broad, open, and a guide to live, as opposed to what they were after the wounds—concrete road blocks.

I am learning the importance of understanding how I decide to redefine and re-open my boundaries. I am beginning to accept that this is necessary and is what I need to help me grow and heal. My priorities are to do all that is in my power to help my Family thrive. There are no excuses to stop living because the new boundaries slowly become comfortable or—to state bluntly—become a protective shell. Unfortunately, when I look in the mirror my shell is very visible, but I am beginning to believe that it will be broken with hope and trust.

We seem to think that boundaries define us. I disagree. I am learning that they can guide us, strengthen us and give us hope. Our boundaries can be molded like clay as we grow and become more of an expression of ourselves and not a blunt definition. Remember, it is o.k. to continuously re-evaluate or even erase some of your defined personal boundaries. I found that when you do, you are suddenly out of your comfort zone and you push yourself to improve and heal. It is an awakening when you accept that boundaries from war do not always protect, but hinder us from living.

It all goes back to choice. As a wounded warrior spouse it took me a lot of time to realize that I need to evaluate my boundaries every single day. Taking time for just me is good because it allows me to breathe. So, I encourage spouses and caregivers to take the time to write down what your boundaries are as you see them today. Think about what you just put on paper and how they were created. Are they closed, hard, or comfortable? Do you think they will protect you from hurting again? Were they created for you or by you? Do they allow you to live or just survive? Are any of them inclusive of a something you admire in yourself? If any of them keep you afraid to live and feel again, it is time to find the strength to soften them so you can breathe, feel, and take care of yourself. Remember, you are worth it!

 

Support in the Form of Four Paws

Filed under Behavioral Health, Staff Story by on May 6, 2011 at 10:42 am {4 comments}

By Christin Barden, AW2 Advocate and Air Force Veteran

AW2 Advocate and Air Force Veteran Christin Barden, pictured above with her husband Edward, intends to help manage her PTSD and TBI with the help of her dog Bravo and training from Paws and Stripes.

Last week I was introduced to my new best friend. He is a rescued, 12-month-old black lab I named Bravo. Like any good friend, he provides me physical and emotional support when needed, helps calm my anxieties, and unlike humans, never judges me.

Although I have had tremendous support from Family and friends when I found out I was receiving my dog, several people questioned why I need Bravo to help me face my injuries. People wanted to know how I could benefit from him.

The people closest to me understand, but others in our communities and even in the AW2 community may not realize the significant impact from a canine companion. This is when I realized that I had an opportunity to educate people about the invisible wounds of war and how dogs like Bravo, can play a part in healing.

I am a Veteran and an AW2 Advocate who has post-traumatic stress disorder, a traumatic brain injury, and mobility issues. Most people think I have it all together, however very few know about the level of pain, stress, anxiety, and sometimes depression that I live with every day since my military service.

Bravo helps me attain freedom that I have not experienced in a long time. Although we are bonding really well and already in love, we have a lot of work to do together and I am looking forward to our journey together.

Every week we will work with trainers and will face challenges that are far outside our comfort levels. The training will force both of us to confront our anxieties and in the end, this experience will teach us both to trust again. I guess it is like going through basic training again. Although I may get some barks at me, I won’t get any yelling. Stay posted for more information about my adventure in the coming months.

Editor’s note: The expressed comments and views of guest bloggers do not reflect the views of WTC or the United States Army.

The War Behind Closed Doors

Filed under Diana Hume, Guest Blogger by on December 27, 2010 at 5:12 pm {6 comments}

By Diana Hume, AW2 Reserve Spouse and Guest Blogger

Diana Hume offers resources to help others understand the impact of living with PTSD.

Editor’s Note: Diana Hume is a feature blogger for AW2 and shares her experiences as the wife of a severely wounded reservist. The expressed comments and views of guest bloggers do not reflect the views of WTC or the United States Army.

The effects of post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) are just beginning to be understood. During my time at Walter Reed Army Medical Center, I noticed that those with visible wounds were treated as rock stars while those with invisible wounds silently carried on without the attention the others received. These Soldiers kept trying to be the Soldier they once were pre-deployment. I found out the hard way that there is no prosthetic for invisible wounds like PTSD.

PTSD is complex because it doesn’t take the form of a body disfigurement or a lost limb. I see my husband walking, talking, and trying to function every day. But for those who live with him, they are well aware that he’s actually taking on the weight of the universe. The pain is visible in his face, his motions, and self-controlled isolation. 

Part of me feels that PTSD comes off as a buzz term in news segments. I wonder how many people actually know about the condition. How many Americans can say they understand PTSD? More importantly how many people understand what PTSD means to not just Soldiers but for their caretakers and Families?

When I first faced PTSD, I tried so hard to grasp what this injury meant to my husband. I did what most Army spouses did in this situation. I began researching and reading all I could find on the subject, but could not quench my thirst for true understanding. Although I found some short-term help for caretakers, I needed something that could help me in the long run. Here are a few good places to start:

Wounded warriors with PTSD have no idea who they are. They hurt. They climb into black holes and rarely come out. PTSD is anger that can easily become rage and when self-medicating becomes the norm, along with avoidance, the true damage takes the form of broken relationships, lost jobs, incarceration, and in some extreme cases, suicide. Because it is not visible to the eye, it is glazed over and misunderstood.

Those with PTSD and their caretakers struggle with the peaks and valleys that come with PTSD. We are told to learn to recognize the triggers, but for many of us, the triggers are still a mystery and we never know when the eruption will occur. The abrupt eruptions of anger suddenly become part of our daily life and reality. It becomes so intangible that wrapping our arms around it to alleviate the situation hurts more than it helps. It hurts even more that the public doesn’t seem to understand how PTSD has, and continues to, plagued my Family.

One example that highlights the public’s perception of PTSD was at Walter Reed Medical Center in DC when Oprah Winfrey filmed a segment on the visible wounds of war. While at the physical therapy unit, she took a moment to shake the hands of the wounded warriors. However, when my wounded warrior had a moment to shake her hand, she turned her back to him because she did not see any visible wounds and thought he was any other healthy Soldier. Needless to say, this did not sit well with me. The moment I had the opportunity, I walked up to her, looked her in the eye and told her about the men and women who were standing right in front of her and who are just as wounded as those with missing arms and legs. Although their injuries are invisible, they are suffering just as much as the men and women she featured on her segment.

To this day, I am not sure how she received my words, but I do know she eventually took action to get my point across to her audience. Just a few weeks later, she aired the segment on television and I realized that she included a journalist who had been in Iraq and ultimately was diagnosed with PTSD. She also told her audience about our interaction, telling her viewers that an Army spouse informed her about the invisible wounds of war that caused just as much suffering to wounded warriors as visible wounds cause. At that point, I knew that I at least was able to get Oprah to start a conversation.

My experience with Oprah was the first of many experiences when people asked me if my husband is wounded. After saying yes, they always follow-up with, “but what is wrong with him?” For Soldiers with invisible wounds, this can be a defeating comment that stays with them and makes them feel like they are the ones who need to get over it.

My point with this blog is to inspire a discussion about what PTSD really is and what is needed to help those living with it overcome this challenge. PTSD is never healed and it impacts the lives of not just the  Soldiers who are invisibly disfigured, but those who love them. Although hard data on PTSD’s impact on America is not yet available, I believe you can measure PTSD’s impact in the number of divorces, suicides, and extended Family therapy that people undergo.

Wounded warriors suffering from PTSD need the same level of support that Soldiers with visible wounds receive. That is why it is important to continue communicating about PTSD and how people can manage the condition. Don’t get me wrong, there are many Americans who truly care. They are listening. However, it is up to Soldiers, Veterans, and Families who are combating PTSD to inform the rest of America on how to take action. I believe that by getting the word out, America’s take on PTSD will move in a positive direction.

Caretakers can either choose to ignore PTSD or choose to improve their wounded warrior’s life. I made a choice a long time ago to make an improvement. For those in the AW2 community, I hope I have inspired you to speak up for those who have PTSD. We have to accept PTSD for what it is and with this approach we can do something that will help wounded warriors and their Families.

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