Boundaries

Filed under Behavioral Health, Diana Hume, Soldier and Family Story by on June 24, 2011 at 2:53 pm {one comment}

By Diana Hume, AW2 Reserve Spouse

Diana Hume analyzes boundaries in her life to ensure they are adjusted to help her live a better life.

Editor’s Note: Diana Hume is a feature blogger for AW2 and shares her experiences as the wife of a severely wounded reservist. The expressed comments and views of guest bloggers do not reflect the views of WTC or the United States Army.

Boundaries are an interesting topic, especially for wounded warrior Families. As we are well aware, many times war begins because of boundary disputes. Once on the battlefield, warriors do not see boundaries, they do what is necessary in order to survive and protect. However, once war is over and the dust settles, the wounds of war dramatically begin to change our once familiar boundaries.

The pain of war’s wounds so easily takes away the familiar which is not a huge news flash for those who live with them every day. In a blink of an eye, our boundaries begin to morph into something foreign right under our noses. Our world becomes smaller and everyday normal things change and often disappear. As each day begins in this new place, all that is in our thoughts is to get through it, just make it to the next day. The unknown about what life will be the next day is many times fueled by fear and over time, reality sets in and confirms that our new boundaries stopped the healing.

As I write this, I am learning what I need to do with my new foreign boundaries. First, I need to dig inside and hope I uncover anything that reminds me of the freedom without boundaries. What it was like before the pain became part of daily life—life before the wounds. I am realizing that mine were broad, open, and a guide to live, as opposed to what they were after the wounds—concrete road blocks.

I am learning the importance of understanding how I decide to redefine and re-open my boundaries. I am beginning to accept that this is necessary and is what I need to help me grow and heal. My priorities are to do all that is in my power to help my Family thrive. There are no excuses to stop living because the new boundaries slowly become comfortable or—to state bluntly—become a protective shell. Unfortunately, when I look in the mirror my shell is very visible, but I am beginning to believe that it will be broken with hope and trust.

We seem to think that boundaries define us. I disagree. I am learning that they can guide us, strengthen us and give us hope. Our boundaries can be molded like clay as we grow and become more of an expression of ourselves and not a blunt definition. Remember, it is o.k. to continuously re-evaluate or even erase some of your defined personal boundaries. I found that when you do, you are suddenly out of your comfort zone and you push yourself to improve and heal. It is an awakening when you accept that boundaries from war do not always protect, but hinder us from living.

It all goes back to choice. As a wounded warrior spouse it took me a lot of time to realize that I need to evaluate my boundaries every single day. Taking time for just me is good because it allows me to breathe. So, I encourage spouses and caregivers to take the time to write down what your boundaries are as you see them today. Think about what you just put on paper and how they were created. Are they closed, hard, or comfortable? Do you think they will protect you from hurting again? Were they created for you or by you? Do they allow you to live or just survive? Are any of them inclusive of a something you admire in yourself? If any of them keep you afraid to live and feel again, it is time to find the strength to soften them so you can breathe, feel, and take care of yourself. Remember, you are worth it!

 

You Can’t Get Over It But You Can Get On With It

Filed under Diana Hume by on March 2, 2011 at 11:00 am {2 comments}

By Diana Hume, AW2 Reservist Spouse

Diana Hume believes that moving on is one of essential steps wounded warriors and their Families need to take in order to progress post-injury.

I hope that what I have to say doesn’t offend anyone, but my experience has been pointing to this topic for quite some time. War injuries, visible or invisible, are something that will forever be carried by our wounded warriors and their Families. It isn’t something that any of us can just get over and we all know the reasons why.

The past few weeks I had very interesting conversations with people who were touched by war. All of these discussions come from a very different perspective; a beautiful woman and friend who grew up in a war torn country, a friend with relatives who served and understand the effects of PTSD, and a Vietnam Veteran who rediscovered life through faith. Our conversations were intriguing and enlightening, and each shared a common thread. Undoubtedly war leaves scars, but it also poses a choice about how you decide to live the rest of your life. I will repeat the word, live. Do you decide to keep harboring the hurt or do you choose to work hard to make the best of your gift–the gift of life? There is purpose behind the reasons why you are here and we will never know what that purpose is unless we don’t give up.

So much of what is needed to move on is right in front of us. We seem to look too hard for the answers. I hear repeatedly from people that faith and friends are the ingredients to the early stages of getting out of the fox hole. Exposing our pain to others is the greatest sign of strength. Talk, touch, and feel are the steppingstones to healing. Talk about what happened. I personally believe that talking about it will not hurt any more than when you first got the call about your loved one. Sharing will touch those you love and help tear down the walls of pain, ultimately helping you feel better. After this step, I always tell myself, “feel, learn, and live.”

I know it’s not easy to move on. Getting up off the couch, my personal fox hole, is painful because sometimes reality just plain stinks. But, I truly believe that there is help available through the kindness of what you and your loved ones fought for–freedom. People in this great country choose to use their gift of freedom to give back to those who gave so much to preserve it.

I see some Families struggle because some have too much pride to ask for the help they need. Not asking for help only prolongs the hurt. Listen to those that care and love you. They can offer reflection that you do need help. The stigma associated with war injuries is dissipating because we are starting to be open with our experiences. Awareness is helping many understand, but we have to be the ones to ask for the help. Helping ourselves also helps the wounded warriors and Families that will follow in our footsteps. Fight. That is what we have been taught to do; it’s our way of life.

Burdens of war are a way of life. However, you can change how they affect your life. Each day the sun comes up and a choice is made. Do you get up and choose to fall back into the hole? Or, do you choose to get up and get on with it making the day better than the last? I often look towards inspiration from other sources. For example from Deepak Chopra, “Everything that is happening at this moment is a result of the choices you’ve made in the past.”

You choose to be a Soldier and carry its honor and the gift of freedom. You choose to serve and be in harm’s way. You choose to heal or you choose to be suspended. You choose to fall victim or you choose to get on with it. Life is a choice. Faith, time, and positive choices can heal.

Editor’s Note: Diana Hume is a feature blogger for AW2 and shares her experiences as the wife of a severely wounded reservist. Please take a moment to read Diana Hume’s previous blog entries on the AW2 Blog. The expressed comments and views of guest bloggers do not reflect the views of WTC or the United States Army.

Holding Hands–For Life

Filed under Diana Hume, Guest Blogger by on January 18, 2011 at 1:39 pm {2 comments}

By Diana Hume, AW2 Reserve Spouse and Guest Blogger

Diana Hume suggests ways organizations can more effectively support the wounded warrior community.

Editor’s Note: Diana Hume is a feature blogger for AW2 and shares her experiences as the wife of a severely wounded reservist. The expressed comments and views of guest bloggers do not reflect the views of WTC or the United States Army.

A recent image of the shooting tragedy that occurred in Arizona a few weeks ago hit home. It was of Congresswoman Gabrielle Giffords lying on a gurney, swiftly being taken by paramedics for medical attention. The image’s most moving detail was that her new intern was holding her hand, unknown to her, as she fought for her life. The comfort of touch radiated from the picture of chaos.

It can’t be denied that the lives of those touched by this tragedy will forever be changed. Like our Soldiers and their Families, it is something that they were not prepared for. However, there are ways we can hold hands in order to get the help we need.

As the world changes, so do the methods of warfare and the prevalence of certain war injuries. PTSD is quickly becoming the poster injury for our generation of Soldiers. We have a new found responsibility to think outside of the box and understand what needs to be done to help our wounded warriors and Families. This approach will help us define their new normal not just for the short term, but for the long haul. It will take all of us going beyond our comfort zone, just like those with PTSD do every day, to reach a successful new normal. Nevertheless, I am encouraged that it can be done.

Invisible injuries are not invisible to those who live with them every day. They are lifelong injuries just like visible ones. They are not healed and are injuries we learn to live with. People and organizations  that provide help need to get the proper training about this ghostly wound in order to make sure that their efforts in assisting those who live with PTSD and their Families can have an impact.

Throughout my new journey after my husband’s injury, I have found things that work and things that don’t. Much of what works is simple and very straight forward. My husband’s injury is very real and therefore, so is my need for helping hands to help me maintain hope. Those who were persistent to assist me, even when I didn’t ask, were the sources that helped me during my darkest times.

Organizations like the Yellow Ribbon Fund, Inc. never put the phone down until I received the help I needed. It wasn’t until they were confident that I had a plan in place, and one that worked for my Soldier and Family, that they knew they had been successful.  

The Yellow Ribbon Fund, Inc.  was like an angel on Earth. Their success stemmed from their patience and willingness to listening to me. They set aside judgment and instead offered compassionate helping hands that never seemed to let go. They knew how to take care of the details so that the healing could begin. To this day, I am forever grateful for their gifts to my Family.

To the individuals that run various organizations that help wounded warriors and their Families, you have the intent to help, but I now realize that learning from wounded warriors and their Families can help you more easily accomplish your missions.

First, don’t assume anything. Understand the people you are helping and understand that they are helpless and don’t know what they need; I sure didn’t. Remember, caretakers and those with PTSD respond with typical responses like “I am OK” and “I can do this.” As warriors, our faces on the outside look calm but the ones on the inside are lost.

Secondly, fragmented resources are abundant, but I ask that organizational leaders of Soldier and Family support groups continue to develop a strong connection with each other so that the dots can be better connected for our wounded. It’s somewhat like an old fashioned string telephone, those providing help must hold up their piece of the line to make the connections work. Each organization, non-profit, or military-sponsored program, has to step beyond their traditional methods to help in order to help the non-traditional: the invisibly wounded.

The AW2 Community Support Network is one initiative that has begun to put the pieces together. By linking organizations, holding conference calls, and sharing information, the AW2 Community Support Network is a platform that organizations can build upon. Action goes beyond the Community Support Network and calls for organizations to put information into action.

The greatest impact organizations can make is to continually reach out to those they aim to help. This takes more than just a single phone call, e-mail, or meeting. Those who are healing have so much on their plate that they truly need this type of persistent help. Just like Congresswoman Gabrielle Gifford’s intern who held the congresswoman’s hand until help was secured, so do these organizations need to lend their hands to wounded warriors and their Families.

I ask supporting organizations that if possible, make it a weekly routine to contact the ones you are targeting to help. I know from experience, they may not call back and therefore, in order for you to seize your chance to make a difference, you need to be persistent until they tell you they don’t need you anymore. Take on the AW2 philosophy for as long as it takes. In many cases, your hand will be needed for the rest of their lives.

To close, I thank all of those who took time to comment on my prior blog post. I know for some individuals, commenting was not easy to do; however, your comments are powerful. Your voice is so important to others who walk along your similar path. I encourage you to continue commenting. Your voice will be heard and will add to the awareness of PTSD – the war injury of our generation’s war.

I Am Here. I Am Ready to Help.

Filed under Community Support Network by on December 2, 2010 at 2:49 pm {2 comments}

By Patty Sands, WTC Stratcom

Those were the words of Chaplain Steinberg of the U.S. Army Medical Command (MEDCOM) after the last 2010 quarterly AW2 Community Support Network conference call. The call focused on supporting Families during the recovery of AW2 Soldiers and Veterans and included a panel of guests including COL Greg Gadson, AW2 Director; Thomas Webb, WTC Deputy to the Commander; Jeff Cox, AW2 Advocate and social worker; and two AW2 Family members. Many more statements of support were heard at the conclusion of the call by the organizations that participated.

The catalyst for those strong statements came from hearing firsthand the challenges faced by the AW2 Families. AW2 spouses Diana Hume and Lisa Krohnke discussed their personal challenges and future goals, as well as specific ways the AW2 Community Support Network participants could assist to make a difference.

“The war is not over for our Family,” said Hume. “There is never a normal day with PTSD. It has not gotten better and the impact is to the whole Family.”

Krohnke also underscored the need for local support as she and her Family feel very isolated. She gave examples of educational issues with her children and financial concerns.

Hume brought the conversation to a close saying, “I don’t know what I would have done without AW2, but there is so much more to be done.”

The impact of the stories as told by the AW2 Family members was compelling and brought tears to my eyes. Hume and Krohnke both spoke in heartfelt terms that were very powerful. Their stories were different but similar in many respects. Each speaker was eloquent and detailed the challenges they faced and the isolation they felt. Without question, we all were very aware of the level of exhaustion they felt. It was a gift of time that they gave to be with us.

From an overall perspective, the problems are complex and varied. Sadly, we all knew there is no one “band aid” to fix things. COL Gadson said, “The Army and VA cannot do it all. It will take all of us working together to make a difference.”

The goal of this conference call was communicating the needs of Families to the Network organizations and to learn best practices from each other. Several participants explained the specific services they offer and engaged in a conversation about ways to connect with individual Soldiers, Veterans, and Families who can benefit from their support.

Thank you to all participants for the largest conference call turnout.

Angels Become “Angel Warriors”

Filed under Diana Hume by on November 19, 2010 at 12:04 pm {no comments}

By Diana Hume, AW2 Reserve Spouse

Editor’s Note: Diana Hume is a feature blogger for AW2. She’ll be sharing her experiences as the wife of a severely wounded reservist. The expressed comments and views of guest bloggers do not reflect the views of WTC or the United States Army.

Diana Hume's (Right) son and daughter provided her strength and support during her husband's recovery.

Every day we hear so much about our Soldiers and wounded warriors. Without them we would not have this great country–America. Most people know who these warriors are and how they have served. However, many people may not be aware about the other warriors around them.

Who are these warriors? Are they the ones in uniform? It’s not so obvious; they are our children–our “angels.” They are a blessed gift that forever changed us and far too many times carried us when we least expected. I, like so many spouses, relied on my angels to keep me going when our world was turned upside down.

It was 2002, we had just built our new home and moved in a week before Christmas Day. The first thing we unpacked was our small Christmas tree. My son was 4-years-old and my daughter was only 18-months-old. During our move-in, we received my husband’s first set of Army orders for mobilization. Our babies were unaware of the changes and challenges they were about to face.

In some ways, their innocent youth was their personal gift. Unknown to them, it allowed them to have an unexplained faith that kept their hope alive. They were also given perseverance, truth, strength, and courage. The adjustment to their daddy’s absence was difficult–but their perseverance carried them each day. These attributes helped them accept the truth that life is full of challenges. It was their strength that helped them build hope that good things would be waiting for them in the future. As their courage continued to grow, they became more empowered to face the unknown that lay ahead of them.

As parents, we always tend to look back on our actions and evaluate what we did right or wrong. Believe me, I have a list that could circle the Earth a few times. My children were my Rock of Gibraltar and provided me immediate support–even as young children. At the time, it was also very easy to immerse into the 24/7 news about the war. So, my angels became immersed too, being by my side while I watched the news on the television. Looking back, it was not a good thing. Without knowing, they grew up faster than they had to. They needed to be kids longer, and it was my job to protect their innocence.

Between my two children, my son seemed to lose his innocence the quickest. He was quietly very protective of me and his little sister. He could, and still does, read my emotions like a book. For several years, he would sleep on an air mattress at the foot of my bed, in an attempt to make sure that I was protected during the night. Our daughter always showed her inner strength–an attribute that she must have been born with. She kept laughing, hid her tears, and each night, prayed to God and asked for her daddy’s safety.

Today, I ask myself what I did right. As I look back on the years, I hope that I showed my children that heart combined with character can carry them through the tough times and that even if you don’t have all the answers–that’s okay because life is full of change. I worked hard to keep their daddy near in their hearts while keeping them hopeful for better days. At night, I placed my hand over their heart and reminded them that their daddy was always with them, no matter where he was fighting.

Over and over, our angels and their warrior-strength were tested. The first deployment was not as bad; however, it was the second deployment that had the greatest impact. This was when my angels earned the true title of “angel warrior.”

It was tough to swallow and so difficult to tell them that although daddy was back in America, no one knew when he would come back home. The touching homecoming stories the children saw in news clips didn’t match my husband’s homecoming. Our homecoming was full of apprehension and saturated with unknowns. It was an experience that would prepare us for our journey to find our new clouded normal.

My angel warriors quickly learned how to navigate the halls of Walter Reed. These halls became their playground during their short visits to see their daddy. Yet, it was in these halls they would also see so much more than I could have prepared them for. If you were to ask them today what they remember about Walter Reed, they would give you a two-sided answer. They would first tell you that Walter Reed was complicated and scary. They would then tell you that it was a chance to see the men and women behind their wounds and their scars–a place filled with laughter from children listening to the humorous stories Soldiers and Veterans would share during their visits.

Over time, they no longer found a scary Walter Reed. They saw the people not their new disabilities or injuries. Seeing through the eyes of an angel warrior is always humbling. They seem to accept their new normal with so much ease.

To others with angel warriors, I ask that you take time to turn to your angel warrior for inspiration. They will become your fuel as you build your strength. Their world changed once their dad became a wounded warrior, but, they took it with the kind of grace we should all learn to embrace and follow.

Angels who become angel warriors have already seen a great deal at such an early age. A lot of these experiences may seem “scary” to them, but it is up to us, the Army spouses, to make the “scary” go away. We must give them a place where they feel safe so they can build comfort when facing their new normal. 

Go to sleep tonight knowing that a tiny, yet positive, perspective on your spouse’s recovery is asleep in the room next to you. Army spouses know that the road ahead has many blind curves. If we look hard enough, our angel warriors can be the guiding light that leads us to the next bend. Believe in who they are. This belief, along with faith, can accomplish a great deal for you and your Family. It is a powerful thing that makes me feel blessed and grateful.

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