The sixth in a series looking at U.S. life and culture through its idioms.  View previous entries.

YOLO – You only live once

A friend who I had met at a hostel in Philadelphia recommended I get a tattoo with the inscription “YOLO,” which stands for “You Only Live Once.” I hadn’t heard the phrase before, but suddenly it seemed to capture something about my life.

Through my experience in the U.S. I have come to be, not someone else exactly, but a more defined, and perhaps better, version of myself, who seeks adventure rather than comfort, and who prefers new experiences over routine.

The person I was a few months ago wouldn’t have been friends with someone I’d met in a hostel, and the person I was a few months ago definitely wouldn’t have been genuinely considering getting a tattoo.

I don’t think it’s the U.S. itself that has made me change, but rather to the opportunity to gain some distance from my normal life and look at it from the outside, gaining a different perspective. I’ve left my country and my family, I’ve adapted to a new environment and culture, I’ve made new friends, I’ve assimilated to different work practices, adopted new habits, learned about other people. All of this has forced me out of my comfort zone and made me question who I am and what I used to believe.

This process of self-examination led me to one of the most difficult decisions I have ever made in my life, which was to break up with my boyfriend. We’d been together for ten—yes, ten—years, lived together for three (in a house we own together and built from scratch), and every single memory since I was sixteen is by his side.

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There’s something that tends to happen every Saturday morning in my house.

In our respective rooms, we wake up early, usually to the sound of one another’s stirrings. Someone goes to the bathroom, brushes his or her teeth, starts to get ready. Eventually, when we’re all awake and have our doors open, one of us will emerge, hair tousled, eyes lidded with sleep, and say, “So, how was your night?”

Although my housemates and I usually begin our evenings at the same party, we often drift off our own ways, either to other parties, back to our rooms, or to other people’s rooms. Asking what happened last night is the process of filling in the gaps, and our answers vary: sometimes we’ll talk about who we hung out with or ran into, and sometimes we’ll talk about who we hooked up with.

[International student opinions on partying at U.S. colleges]

It’s funny to think that hooking up – something that now seems so ordinary and so ingrained in my university’s party culture – used to be wholly unfamiliar to me. Prior to coming to the U.S., I had never heard or known of the concept.

A completely different culture

I grew up in a culture where sex definitely happened, but was never discussed. You didn’t talk about sex or physical desires, and you never saw any hints of it on TV or the media.

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I smile wryly as I go through my freshman photos. It is hard to believe that just 2 years ago, I arrived in the United States, fresh-faced and starry eyed; weighed down by suitcases, expectations and an overwhelming fear of the unknown. In my head, as well as in my diary and journal, was a clear strategy of how I would ‘attain greatness’.

It amazes me to look back and realize how drastically my interests have changed, how dramatically my intellectual aspirations have evolved and how even my fears are not the same anymore.  The certainty I once had about what I wanted to see and achieve is gone, the answers replaced by more and more questions about myself and my path.

After the snow

My friend and I enjoying our first day in the snow.

Prior to my arrival in the States, I had only seen snow on television. It was with great anticipation and excitement that I waited for the first snowy day.  I vividly recall my first encounter with snow: It was one of those mornings when I would steal glances at the rising sun from behind my computer while frantically working to finish a paper. From my common room window, I noticed the ice crystals slowly dropping to the ground.

The sight was breathtaking.  I dropped all my work, raced to the window; and saw that Yale’s courtyard had been transformed into a picturesque scene from a Disney movie. The beauty of what I was seeing almost moved me to tears.

Snow in Silliman College – Frank Teng MC ’13

Of course, the novelty has long since worn off. With snow comes the obligation to wear layers of coats, all of which have to be removed upon entering a building.  There is also the hassle of having to trudge to class in ridiculous snow boots. And after a snow comes the ‘freezing rain,’ which covers the roads with ice, turning the simple task of walking into a Hunger Games-esque challenge.
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My best girlfriend, who is Chinese, is dating an American classmate.  If you’ve been reading this blog, you already know that I am also dating an American, so she has been using me as her own personal relationship coach (which I am more than happy to be!).

I guess other foreign students might have similar situations if they are dating Americans, so I want to share our discussions with you guys.  Also, the advice I would give if she was in China asking about a Chinese guy would be very different, so I’ll highlight the different reactions in China and the U.S. for the same situation.

Have you had any of these problems? Do you agree with my answers?  Let me know in the comments!

Problem 1:

“We had a very romantic and intimate second date, but after that, he did not call or text me for three days! What is going wrong? Will he contact me again? If he won’t call me, should I call him?”

American answer: It depends on how much you like him. If you like him and want to hang out again, just call him and ask him out. Who cares!
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Having lived in the U.S. for two years now, I have been experienced many firsts, but none of them compare to the first I experienced last week – my first Valentine’s Day. Well, the first Valentine’s Day I actually got to celebrate, anyway.

It is hard to believe that my first big day romance-wise happened in a country that I am not from and with a guy who is not Chinese. But I think it just made the whole thing fun, cool and memorable.

My friends were so surprised that at 24 years old I had never had a real Valentine’s Day, but I am pretty sure I am not alone (please LEAVE COMMENTS below if this year was also your first V-Day!).

Last Valentine’s Day, my friend told me not to be sad that I didn’t have anyone to celebrate with – when the time is right, it will exceed all your expectations. And he was right.

So let’s go back to talking about the big V-Day date, and chatting about some points that I think are interesting to share.

Having “the talk”

Before V-Day this year, my boyfriend and I had been dating for a couple of months, and we were right at the point of “defining the relationship.” We had a big, formal talk over dinner one night to discuss where we were in this relationship and where it should be going, and this talk basically determined if we would celebrate Valentine’s Day together.
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We’ve had a few serious thoughts in the past on being in America for Valentine’s Day, but here are some light-hearted ways to show that special international student how you feel…

1) I’ve got my I-20 and my financial statements ready…

2) But is it a grant or a loan?

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On Valentine’s Day, every girl yearns for a candle-lit dinner in a fancy restaurant with good company. Sometimes, instead of just waiting and yearning, it is probably a good idea to whip out your purse, and make your dream come true.

This Valentine’s Day, my two girlfriends and I found this to be excellent advice. We dined at Sitar, an Indian restaurant, chatting and laughing, oblivious of the couples around us who were clearly lost in their own small little worlds.   “Celebrating love” – that is what I call it. Valentine’s Day, like any other American holiday gave us another excuse to celebrate life.

As we tucked into the spicy chicken tikka masala, we swapped stories about our romantic endeavors in the United States. All three of us come from African countries and have  parents who understand our academic goals and encourage us to further our education as much as we possibly can, but still uphold African virtues and values and would be delighted to hear that marriage is within sight.

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With love in the air this week thanks to Valentine’s Day, our Facebook fan Abdirahman reminded us that love is universal. Dating, however, is not.  Romantic life in the U.S. isn’t what you’ve seen in TV and movies, but it might still be different from what you’re used to.

For Sadia, her first Valentine’s Day in the U.S. felt very similar to what she was used to from Pakistan:

Since my childhood I used to see, every year on Feb 14, girls and boys in Pakistan get crazy about Valentine ’s Day. They love buying gifts, like stuffed cuddly teddy bears, chocolate, perfumes, small red heart pillows or cushions, balloons and who can forget bouquet of red roses. This Valentine’s Day I saw the same hype here too, everyone is busy in shopping, getting extra deals in shopping malls, websites are announcing valentine day’s promotions on flower bouquet, fruit baskets, chocolates perfumes, dresses, and list is endless.

But Tara noted, on her personal blog, that Valentine’s Day gifts seemed different in America than back in China. Tara’s Taiwanese friend received a greeting card from her American boyfriend, and was disappointed. In Taiwan and China, it’s more typical to give a concrete gift.

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Since we’re looking this week at dating as an international student, it seemed a perfect time to share this correspondence I had with Jairo Castillo, who comes from Venezuela and studied in the U.S. during the 1980s.

Jairo sent me an email to tell me about his college years in Kansas and Oklahoma.  He shared a number of difficult experiences, including the long hours he spent in the library studying for the TOEFL, and how he struggled academically after transferring from a community college to a 4-year school.  But Jairo also wrote:

I was 20 and those were my golden years of life.- during that course of time i meet my girlfriend Maria.- a native of Tyler, Minn.- she was studying phisical therapy and I was a soccer player who came down to the hospital due to a leg injury during a scrimage at intramurals. Maria and I dated and lasted for 3 years until she graduated and moved to Denver, Co.

I asked Jairo if he’d be willing to talk more about his dating experiences…and he wasn’t shy at all in sending me this follow-up email about his successes, failures and challenges dating American women during his time in the U.S.

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