iowahawk

White House Scientists Struggle to Contain Outbreak of Scrutonium

WASHINGTON DC - Engaged a relentless battle against time and fatigue, a select group of message scientists assembled by the White House's Center for Narrative Control say they will take "all steps necessary" to contain a recent outbreak of scrutonium, a deadly poll-eating supervirus that attacks the immuno-hope system, leaving victims vulnerable to material facts.  

"Failure is simply not an option," said an exhausted Mission Chief David Axelrod. "If left unchecked, this virus may actually force us to move back to Chicago."

The recent re-infection of scrutonium into the body politic has been a harrowing turn of fortune for Axlerod and his scientific team. In November 2008, they had declared scrutonium "all but extinct," although they kept small amounts of the strain for use in laboratory experiments with Republican tax returns. It was thought to be in containment as recently as five weeks ago, with scientists citing poll results showing resistance to doses of unemployment previously considered fatal.

All that changed on September 12 after an unexpected outbreak in Benghazi, Libya. Although it caught Axlerod and his team by surprise, they were temporarily able to keep it under control with a regimen of YouTube blame therapy and gaffe-meme injections. But the new Benghazi strain proved stubbornly resistant, and has continued to slowly spread.

Amid their battle to contain the Benghazi strain, a second - and even more deadly - outbreak appeared in Denver on October 3. Nicknamed "the Doomsday Strain", the Denver scrutonium virus has thusfar been impervious to any attempt at containment.

"We're dealing with the ultimate buzzkiller here," said Senior Narrative Engineer Stephanie Cutter. "This one directly attacks voters' ability to hallucinate happy thoughts, or even ignore the obvious - no matter how many squirrels we innoculate them with."

Despite all-out efforts to contain the virus, by Friday daily internal gauge readings at CNC headquarters indicated a public opinion disaster was in the making. In order to buy time, Axlerod called on reserves from the 101st Media Narrative Squadron.

"With a virus this aggressive, you need boots on the ground to help fight any new outbreak and sterilize the area with distractions," said CNC jounalistic affairs liaison David Plouffe. "Luckily, the 101st is highly trained, unquestioningly loyal, and completely immune to all known post-2008 strains of scrutonium."

"That Mitt Romney sure seemed awful testy, didn't he?" said hazmat-suit clad Lt. Ben Smith of the 101st's Politico Company, sweeping the rubble of Denver for trace readings of scrutonium.

While Smith and others work around the clock to quarantine the virus, Axlerod and his team remain deep beneath the White House in a specially constructed containment laboratory, racing to find a cure before it has a chance to wipe out Washington as we know it. Although all their experiments have thusfar proven unsuccessful, Axlerod refuses to concede.

"If I've learned anything in this job, it's that hope is a strategy," he said, wiping flopsweat from his combover.

"For instance, maybe Joe Biden will find a cure Wednesday night," he added.

Stars Get In Your Eyes

 

Special Iowahawk Guest Commentary
By Barack Obama, Stargazer-in-Chief 

When I learned of the untimely passing of Neil Armstrong I was, like all Americans, deeply moved and saddened. I share your sense of loss for this American hero, even if his fame had been eclipsed by others over the years. But in our shared moment of grief, let us also celebrate his historic accomplishment in becoming the first astronaut eulogized by me, Barack Obama, our nation's historic first African-American president.

Neil's passing gives all of us all pause to consider deeper questions. What does it mean for the future of space exploration? How proud would Neil have been to have a famous historic president refer to him by first name? And, most importantly, how did his death inspire that historic president to make ever more gigantic leaps for mankind?

For one thing, it inspired me to venture off on a historic twilight photo mission in a Maryland cabbage field. There I stood, gazing into the night sky, providing a dramatic backlit silhouette of inspiration for generations of future space explorers. In the centuries to come, space fans around the world will look to this indelible dorm poster image of Barack Obama, representing humankind's enduring pioneering spirit of exploration, and be spurred to dream their impossible dreams of Obama-like accomplishment.

As I stood looking into the night sky, at the billions upon billions of stars twinkling across their celestial field, amid the clicking of the photographer's shutter, I couldn't help but wonder if there were other life forms - perhaps other civilizations - out there. If so, were they looking back at us? Could they have powerful enough telescopes to see our planet in detail, and to observe the many ways I have worked tirelessly to make Earth a better place? Has my example served as an inspiration to the faraway aliens to work for their own extraterrestrial hope and change? 

It was a moment that drove home to me just how significant I am in the grand scheme of things. As a result, I returned to the Oval Office with a renewed spirit to push the envelope, to strike out into the unknown, whether it be the vast expanses of space or the 2013 federal debt ceiling.

Yes, it is true that only a select few of us can ever aspire to be a Neil Armstrong or a Barack Obama. But I hope Neil and I have encouraged you to enrich yourselves from that vast, rich, empty blinking array of stars.

Which reminds me, I have another fundraising trip to George Clooney's house next week.

They Fly Through the Air With the Greatest of Ease

Wings and Wheels: vistas from the Hawkperch as we watched the Blue Angels and other attractions at the Chicago Air and Water Show yesterday. Plus bonus photos of Cruise Night at Buffo's!

Fancy Fancy Fast

Ahh... a leisurely weekend taking in Auto Historica XII in Highland Park IL, followed by the 64th annual AACA Antique Car Show in Lake Forest IL, followed a jaunt out to the nuclear cooling towers of Byron, IL for the 3rd Annual Meltdown Drags at Byron Dragway. America's best drag strip named for a 19th century poet!

Please to enjoy some shiny fast things.

You Didn't Build That

Readings from the Book of Barack

¹ In the beginning Govt created the heavens and the earth. ² Now the economy was formless and void, darkness was over the surface of the ATMs, and the Spirit of Govt was hovering over the land.

³ And Govt said, “Let there be spending,” and there was spending. ⁴ Govt saw that the spending was good, and that it separated the light from the darkness. ⁵ Govt called the spending Investments, and this he did in the first day.

⁶ Then Govt said, “Let there be roads and bridges across the waters, and let dams divide the waters from the waters.” ⁷ Thus Govt made the infrastructure and the patronage jobs for eternity under the firmament from the Potomac which was above the firmament; and it was so. ⁸ And Govt called the firmament Washington. This Govt did on the second day.

⁹ Then Govt said, “Let the regulations and the guidlines under the heavens be gathered together into one place, and let the Bureaus appear”; and it was so. ¹⁰ And Govt called the Bureaus demigovts, and the gathering together of them He called AFSCME. And Govt saw that it was good.

¹¹ Then Govt said, “Let there be police, and firefighters, and teachers according to their kind, for they will create more jobs”; and it was so. ¹² And then Govt bade the void bring forth crime, and arson, and stupidity, that each would yield seed to bring forth more police, and firefighters, and teachers, and jobs. And Govt saw that it was good. ¹³ So the evening and the morning were the third day.

¹⁴ On the fourth day Govt said, “Let Us make the economy in Our image, according to Our likeness; let it have dominion over the cars of the road, over the appliances of the supercenters, and over the pet groomers of the strip malls, over all the clickthroughs of Amazon and over every creepy thing of the Dollar Stores.” ¹⁵ So Govt created the economy in His own image; services and wholesale and retail He created them. ¹⁶ Then Govt blessed them, and Govt said to them, “Be fruitful and use the multiplier effect; fill the land with jobs; thou have dominion over thy realm, within limits, as long and thou remember to get thy permits and tithe thy taxes, for they are good. Hope to see you at the fundraiser.”

¹⁷ And on the fifth day Govt made an official Govt holiday, and headed off for a 3-day golf weekend at Camp David. But first Govt said to the economy, "you are free to eat from any tree in the garden, except the tree of Knowledge. There is a serpent in that thing, and thy health care does not cover it."

¹⁸ So when Govt was on vay-cay the economy set about the garden, plowing its fields and generating revenue for the glory of Govt. They obeyed the regulations and were not ashamed.

¹⁹ Now the serpent was more crafty than any of the balanced, publicly-funded birds the Lord Govt had made to sing news to the economy. The serpent was on the AM band. He said to the retail sector, “Did Govt really say, ‘You must not eat from any tree in the garden’? ”

²⁰ "Only yours, serpent," said the retail sector.

²¹ “Don't be a wuss,” the serpent said to the retail sector. ²² “For Govt knows that when you eat from it your eyes will be opened, and you will wise to Govt's scam.”

²³ When she saw that the fruit was pleasing to the eye, and also desirable for gaining wisdom, and also free to download, she took some and ate it. She emailed a copy to her wholesaler, and he ate it; and then the wholesaler to the manufacturer, and he to the servicer. ²⁴ Then the eyes of all of them were opened, and they realized they were being taxed naked; so they outsourced fig leaves to make coverings for themselves. 

²⁵ Then the economy heard the sound of the Lord Govt returning from vay-cay with the demigovts Osha and Tarp and Irs. It was the cool of the day, and they were hiding their profits from the Lord Govt among the trees of the garden. ²⁶ But the Lord Govt called to the manufacturer, “Where are you?”

²⁶ He answered, “I heard you in the garden, and I was afraid, so I sought a tax shelter.”

²⁷ And Govt said, “Who told you that your profits were yours? Have you eaten from the tree that I commanded you not to eat from? ”

²⁸ The man said, “The retailer made me —she has a thing for serpents.”

²⁹ Then the Lord Govt said to the retailer, “What is this you have done?”

³⁰ And she said to the Lord Govt, “Don't take that tone with me, fat boy. And why should I give you my profits?”

³¹ The Lord Govt was in wrath, and said, “For I am the Lord Govt, creator of Eden! ³² I gave unto you the roads and bridges, and schools and cops, brought unto you of gentle showers of Tarp and Stimulus and rivers of Subsidy, I am the purifier of the waters, cleanser of the air, without which you and your profits would not exist. Thus all that thou have created is created by Us. Thus ye shall render unto Govt what is Govt's, and this is the Word of your Lord.”

³³ At these words, Solydra and Gm and Seiu and all the Cronyans and Laborites dropped to their knees in trembling fear and supplicated themselves before the Lord, presenting Him golden gifts of contributions.

³⁴ Then the retailer said to Govt, “And who created you?”

³⁵ In righteous anger did the Lord Govt again rise up and said, “I am the Alpha and the Omega, the Tri-Delts and the Dekes, I am and have always been! I am the great cosmic turtle on which you and the entire economy rest.”

³⁶ "And on whom do you rest, turtle?" said the retailer in blasheme.

³⁷ "Do not mock me with your knowledge trickery, harlot!" said the Lord Govt. "I am turtles all the way down."

³⁸ So the Lord Govt said to the serpent, “Because you have done this,

“Cursed are you above all livestock
    and all wild animals!
You will crawl on your belly
    and you will eat dust 
    all the days of your life.
39 And I will keep you from tenure
    and grants and the airwaves,
    and condemn you to the bowels of internet."

⁴⁰ Then the Lord Govt turned the retailer and the manufacturer and the wholesaler and all the servicers, and said,

“I will make your taxes and regulations very severe;
    with painful labor you will give birth to profit. 
You shall be afflicted with plagues of audits,
    the coming of Osha, and the trials of Irs.
By the sweat of thy brow you will earn thy living
    until you return it to Me.
You will suffer the droughts of subsidy and stimulus,
    and will thirst forever. You're welcome." 

⁴¹ And so the Lord Govt banished the economy from paradise, and bade them go outsource to the Far East of Eden. And as the chastened economy slouched out of of Babylon He said unto them,

⁴⁰ "How do you like them apples?"

DNC Scientists Disprove Existence of Roberts' Taxon

WASHINGTON DC - Jubilant scientists at the DNC's High Speed Word Collider (HSWC) announced today they have conclusively disproven the existence of Roberts' Taxon, the theoretical radioactive Facton particle that some had worried would lead to the implosion of the entire Universal Health Care System.

"I think it's time to pop the champagne corks," said HSWC Director David Plouffe. "Then blaze some choom."

The landmark experiment in Quantum Rhetoric began early this week after legal particle cosmologist John Roberts published a paper in the Quarterly Journal of Tortured Logic that solved the long-debated Pelosi's Paradox in Universal Health Care Theory.

"Pelosi's Paradox states that in order to find out what is in a health care bill, it would have to be passed," explained physicist Steven Hawking. "But in order to be a law it would have to be constitutional, which means someone would have to know what was in it, which would mean it couldn't have been a bill in the first place. Think of Schroedinger's Cat, except with a lobotomy."

To solve the paradox, Roberts proposed the existence of the Taxon - an ephemeral, mysterious facton particle that in theory would allow the Universal Health System to be constitutional, without directly observing what was in it. DNC scientists at first cheered Roberts' findings, but it soon came apparent that it opened an even deadlier dilemma.

"If Roberts' Taxon were really to exist, and was woven throughout the Health-Government-Time continuum, the merest realization of it would create a giant black hole in Gallup Space and cause free healthcare reality to collapse upon itself," said Plouffe.

In order to disprove the Taxon, scientists at the HSWC devised a test experiment in their enormous CarneyLab bullshit accelerator. This test involved speeding a small mass of Facton - theoretically containing Roberts' Taxon - and smashing it at near-light speed against a flaming super-dense ionized clod of purified bullshit.

 
Schematic of experiment (graphic courtesy HSWC)

"It was a complete success," said Plouffe. "The collision produced only inert crap particles like Feesons and Penaltyons, obliterating any traces of a single highly radioactive Taxon. What's more, we were thrilled that it also resulted in over 300 milliaxlerods of of positive Fernstroms."

While super high-density bullshit was critical to the experiment, Plouffe said other key variables were necessary to keep potential Taxons from escaping to Gallup Reality Space.

"We were careful to shroud the collision within the Beltosphere, which is protected with a thick sheath of inert, pliable media," he noted. "As additional protection, we surrounded it with a negatively-charged gaseous squirrel field."

Base on the success of the test, Plouffe said the HSWC would soon begin work on destroying traces of a new deadly Facton particle, the Unemployon.

"LOOK, SQUIRREL!" He added.

Hope for America

In my advancing decrepitude, I'm as guilty as the next geezer bemoaning the state of America's callow youth, what with their twist music and beatnik hair and what-not. Imagine my delight then when I stumbled upon this scene today: a team of five kids from Belvidere (IL) North High School stripping a small block Chevy V8 down to the bare block and reassembling it in the mind-boggling time of 24 minutes, 30 seconds.

Carb and intake off; valve train removed; timing chain out; heads off; pistons removed; then the whole shebang put back together, including correct torque specs on the heads, all with hand tools, in less time than it takes to get through level 1 of an XBox game.

The team performed their magic at Belvidere's annual Scrap Drive hot rod show, and I wasn't the only old gearhead there with mist in his eyes. The team was raising dough to travel to the national championship at SEMA in Las Vegas in October, where they will be competing against 11 other teams from across the country. I know I'll be rooting them on. Go Blue Thunder! 

One Afternoon In a Garage in Reno, Nevada

Good afternoon! Hello, residents of Whispering Hills subdivision! Thank you for that fine reception. How's everybody doin' out there?

Now that's what I call spirit - Reno spirit. American spirit! Yessir, what you folks might lack in numbers, you make up for in enthusiasm. Just like Reno is the 'Biggest Little City in the USA,' I've gotta say you folks are the Biggest Little Garage Sale Crowd in Reno this afternoon. So give yourself a Biggest Little Hand!

Yeah! Alrigh-yi-yi-YI YI YI YI YI YI YIIGH SQUEEEEECH

Oh, uh, sorry about that. Billy, can we bring down the EQ on the driveway monitor? I'm getting some nasty feedback here. Okay. Check. Check. Pop. Poppop. Check check, testingggg one two. Okay, I think we got that.

Okay! As I was about to say, it's no accident I'm here today at the Kellers. You all know Paul and Val here as great neighbors, the kind of hardworking friendly neighbors any neighborhood in America would want. And as President of the United States neighborhood, I've worked tirelessly to make sure that neighbors like Pal and Vaul have the financial support they need to stay right here in Whispering Hills.

Yeah! Sure, you can applaud! Come on, give it up for the Kohlers!

That's why, when the housing crisis occurred during the previous administration, we got to work on programs to provide support to families struggling with mortgage payments. As you all know there were a lot of...

How's that? Oh. I'm sorry but could it possibly wait? We'll be on our way in 10, 15 minutes tops, and... oh.

Um, could I have one of you fellas in the security detail move the motorcade? One of the Escalades is blocking a driveway. Yes. That one over there, with the white minivan. Let's step on it guys, I'm told they're late for a soccer tournament.

Okay, then. Where was I? Yes. The mortgage payments. As you know there were a lot of unscrupulous lenders during the previous administration who tricked unsuspecting Americans into buying houses they couldn't afford. And suddenly, when the housing market crashed, those folks found themselves no longer able to afford the houses they couldn't afford. That's when we lept into action - with innovative federal refinancing programs and loan guarantees to make sure the owners could keep up their payments to the unscrupulous lenders, and no longer worry about losing their unaffordable houses. This is just one of the ways that we are making...

Whoa, heads up! Son, you really need to work on that jump shot! What the... for God's sake, Marvin, you didn't need to tackle the boy, it was just an air ball. What's your name, son?

Josh? So Josh, what kind of game console do you have? XBox, okay. As your president, I'm asking you to go inside and play XBox until I'm finished with my speech. You can come back out and shoot hoops all you want later. Okay? Okay.

So, in any case... hey, I heard that! I heard that, Josh!

So, in any case, that is just one of the many ways we are helping everyday homeowner in neighborhoods all across America. Take for example the Keelers here, Pearl and Van. Yes, I mean Paul and Vel. Val. When they decided to reduce household clutter and free up extra cash to help create jobs in the community, we stood at the ready to invest through our innovative American Garage Sale Recovery Act. Through AGRA, the Kelmers were able to secure federal grants-in-aid to buy the yard signs, Craigslist ads, card tables and price tags they needed, along with expert advice from the Federal Bureau of Garage, Rummage & Yard Commerce.

When I heard about how this innovative $23,000 public-private partnership was helping Paul and Val, I couldn't wait to fly out here on Air Force One and see all these incredible bargains for myself. Bargains like this 4.5 horsepower Briggs & Stratton go-kart for only $6,000! So who wants to step up and buy this fun...

Bob, please, I'm just getting to the sale, and... oh. Are you sure? Well, okay. Ladies and gentlemen, I'm sorry, I'm going to have to go ahead and pull the sale on that go-kart. Apparently they were outlawed by the Comprehensive Go-Kart Emissions & Safety Act I signed 2009. And a good thing too, because nothing matters to me more than safety, the environment, and also the economy. But don't worry, there are plenty of other great bargains here. Like this commemorative Obama-Biden Inauguration collector's plate, made of real porcelain! And only $50! Who wants to be the first to buy this piece of history?

Don't be shy, $50 takes it home.

Fifty, fiftay, fifffffftaaaaay.

Okay, how about if I make it even more of a collector's piece. Marvin, could I have the Sharpie? Thanks. There - a commemorative Obama-Biden Inauguration plate, signed by me, the 44th president of the United States. Okay, do I hear fifty dollars?

Fiftaaaaay. Fiftay.

Okay, you know what? Before the bidding gets too crazy, I think I'm gonna keep this one for myself. Sold! To the president of the United States, for $100! Marvin, could you pay Paul and Vil? I'm a little short this week.

And there you have it folks, a great start to a great public garage sale. It's great seeing our investments at work, with Pal and Vaul $100 closer to the money they'll need to pay their federal go-kart racketeering fine. Unfortunately, I have to fly back to Washington to create more innovative programs, but please stick around for more of these incredible bargains!

God bless you, and God bless the United States of America yuh-yuh-YUHYUHYEHYEEYEESCQREEEE

Dangit, can somebody do something about the feedback?

Vintage Torque Fest 2012

Spent yesterday afternoon at the Jackson County Fairgrounds in Maquoketa, Iowa, taking in the 3rd annual Vintage Torque Fest, where I also took in $5 pork-chops-on-a-stick and lungfuls of dust from the quarter mile bowl dirt track. Tastiest of all was the delicious iron on hand, as evinced by the following photo essay. Click here to embiggen, and punch "show info" for some of my commentary. God Bless Iowa! 

Julia's Circle of Life

The continuing adventures of Barack Obama's favorite eyeless, mouthless government dependent