This is the funniest thing we’ve heard on the local news since Ernie Anastos told the Fox 5 weatherman to “keep fucking that chicken.” Rosanna Scotto is our new hero.

Other local news highlights after the jump:

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Kyle Petersen, a professional juggler and circus variety performer, is participating in this Sunday’s Five Borough Bike Tour on a unicycle — all 41 miles of it.
Kyle will be riding for Maggie Russo, a wonderful little 2-year-old girl who developed retinoblastoma, “a form of eye cancer that effects about 300 kids in the United States every year and only 5,000 kids worldwide,” and had to have her left eye removed. She will soon be fitted for a prosthetic eye, and hopefully, one day, get surgery to give her a “more lifelike implant.”
Kyle’s original intention in all of this was to raise money for Maggie’s family and research to combat the cancer. However, at this point Kyle would just like you to know Maggie’s story, the evils of retinoblastoma, and any other of the cancers that affect children every year.
If you’d like to donate or learn more about Kyle, Maggie, or retinoblastoma, you can read more here, here, here, here, or here.
Kudos to you Kyle on the Unicycle. We wish you the best!

Today, a cop who slammed a bicyclist off of his bike, and was guilty in the court of public opinion because of a conclusive youtube video that sealed the deal, was found not guilty of assault in court. However, he was convicted of filing a false criminal complaint against Christopher Long, a charge which Gothamist notes “carries the biggest penalty, up to four years in prison.”
Time’s Up! Statement reads as follows:

This guilty verdict should send a message to Bloomberg that he needs to direct Raymond Kelly to start training his officers in sensible procedures to safely deal with the growing presence of bikes on NYC streets. This case highlighted an extreme, but not isolated case of police harassment toward cyclists.

The next Critical Mass ride is, oh how convenient, tomorrow.

by Dave Thomas

Scarlett Johansson, Iron Man II
Either I’m getting too old for this, or this is the least exciting launch to blockbuster season since, um, last year.
MAY 7
IRON MAN 2
WHAT’S THE PITCH?
He hates Iron Man, duh-de-duh-de-duh-duh, Mick-ey Rourke!
WILL IT SUCK?
Jon Favreau is back and is a known and welcome quantity as a director. Justin Theroux only has one other screenplay under his belt, but it’s Tropic Thunder so I’m satisfied. Whole cast (minus Terence Howard) is back plus Mickey Rourke, Sam Rockwell, Don Cheadle, and John Slattery.
Early buzz is mildly disappointed, but still happy.
HOW WELL WILL IT DO?
Summer may blow its load early. Be surprised if anything actually beats this (Toy Story 3 or Twilight: Eclipse stand a chance). $444mil.
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BABIES
WHAT’S THE PITCH?
Doc about four babies growing up in Namibia, Mongolia, Japan, and the US, respectively.
WILL IT SUCK?
Hard to get a read on this one since not much is known about the filmmakers. That having been said, if you like babies, you’ll get your fill. Cute trailer.
HOW WELL WILL IT DO?
I don’t know about releasing it wide, but this is certainly good counter-programming for Iron Man. $1mil.
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MOTHER AND CHILD
WHAT’S THE PITCH?
Ensemble drama about several mothers/would-be mothers (Annette Bening, Naomi Watts, Kerry Washington).
WILL IT SUCK?

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You: Puking all over the bar at Legion, the “strands of puke-saliva” dripping softly from your pouty lips into your hand.
He: 25-year-old patron of Legion on Saturday night who has slipped in your grimy vomit and fallen deep in love. He would like to get a drink sometime, and maybe blow chunks of sweet nothings into your ears.
Realy hope this one works out! Nothing like young love in the spring time.

Another day, another injection of Bill Murray’s Awesome Sauce into our lives. This time, it’s a party reporter’s guide to having dinner with him. In it, we learn he remembers everyone’s names, stands up as ladies take their seat, and he will beat his chest if the meal is roasted duck.
But most importantly, we learn the following bit about Williamsburg:

He might mention the Roebling Tea Room, where his son is a cook, and ‚”they’re very proud of their kale.” He might then discuss how he likes to walk the nearby streets in Williamsburg late at night, and how he shot a movie on the south side when it was just Hasids and hookers, and the Hasids would stand outside late at night telling dirty jokes. (‚”They weren’t on the street reading the Word, I can tell you that.”)

Dinner With Bill Murray: A Party Reporter’s Guide; Photo: Stephen Lovekin/Getty Images

Check out this mind-blowing album review from our local record store maven Diana Kinscherf. Disclaimer: she loves it but hey it’s Oneida’s side project so get down on it in the groovy spaced out way!
People Of The North are here! (No, not the Canadians!) Back in February 2009, half of Oneida decided to record Deep Tissue, a four track LP on Oneida’s own Brah label. Graduating from an Oneida song title to band moniker, People Of The North bring you a delicious high without having to blow your hard earned money on copious amounts of drugs.
Begin the trip on the flip…

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If you are the type of person who complains about the neighborhood — be it the yuppies, a crowded train, condos, whatever — it’s time you familiarized yourself with what’s going on at the Domino Sugar factory these days with the New Domino.
Benjamin Lozovsky, in the WG News, has a fantastic piece of reporting called Misinform & Conquer: The Developer, Domino, and the Latino Vote which was pointed out to us by Gothamist, in which we learn of some of the following points:
A local Catholic church, that gets money from the developer, is busing congregants in to community board meetings to “chant and demonstrate their support.” That church’s Father Beuther was seen handing “scripts or talking points to his bused-in congregants.” Meanwhile, the Daily News is lifting direct phrases and quotes from the developer’s non-profit money lender’s marketing materials, and the “average amount of open space per person” will actually decline with the rise in population.
This is a very short summary, because WG has a very long (but quite interesting) story. So please, read the article and familiarize yourselves with the growing lightning rod that is New Domino.
Key dates in the future:
4/28 – City Planning Commission hearing
July – Final City Council vote

I’m not sure there was a big demand for this, but here it is: (Kinda NSFW) [via]

The tree trunk in McCarren Park that looks like a big ol’ vagina got a sassy little clit piercing the other day. New York Shitty reader Alex sent this in earlier this week.