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The Onion

 -  Public
[NEW: Onion Talks]

Stars put asses in the seats, and if you don't know that you're a goddamn moron 
Subscribe to The Onion on YouTube: http://bit.ly/xzrBUA Like The Onion on Facebook: http://www.fb.com/theonion Follow The Onion on Twitter: http://www.twitte...
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2 comments
crow x.
"Clowns dont make money."
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The Onion

 -  Public
Year In Review: 2012 »
A completely thorough 8,784 hour-long summation of 2012
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Obsidian Ixtar
Why does everything rare and grand that goes on am I always asleep ans missing? Must be a time line lunar event lapse, just a guess any way 
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The Onion

 -  Public
Mayan Word For 'Apocalypse' Actually Translates More Accurately As 'Time Of Pale Obese Gun Monsters' »
Newly revealed Mayan tablets discredit apocalypse theories but seem to predict a mindless society based on guns, football, and gluttony.
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Kenzie Belak
+donnie davis tree huggers and pagans didn't believe we were all going to die. It was actually supposed to be a fantastic day. Shows how much you know.
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The Onion

 -  Public
Man Who Just Bought Mayan Headdress, 4 Crates Of Corn Pretty Sure You'll Be Looking Like The Fool When Apocalypse Happens »
KANSAS CITY, MO—Local man Dustin Barnes, 33, who reportedly just purchased a colorful feathered Mayan headdress and four crates packed with corn announced Friday that he was fairly certain you’ll end ...
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4 comments
Frank Anderson
Hey shut the Fuck up quinden
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The Onion

 -  Public
[Year In Review]
Backup Health Care Plan Involves Nation Sharing One Big Jar Of Ointment »
WASHINGTON—In the event the Supreme Court strikes down the president's health care law, the Obama administration has prepared a contingency plan under which all 313 million Americans would share a sin...
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Justin White
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at least they were thoughtful before they screwed us all to make it hurt a little less..
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The Onion

 -  Public
[Year In Review] 
Shit, Friend Just Said Something To Obnoxious Drunk Guy On Bus »
BIRMINGHAM, AL—Fuck, according to sources, there's this guy on the bus who is belligerent and obviously drunk and your friend just decided to play the hero and go say something to him.
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6 comments
terry diller
Never.
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The Onion

 -  Public
[Year In Review]
NASA Announces Plans To Put Man On Bus To Cleveland »
CAPE CANAVERAL, FL—Hailing the dawn of a new era in long-distance highway travel, NASA officials unveiled Monday the agency’s ambitious plans to put a man on a bus to Cleveland, OH by early 2013. The ...
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Phillip Wendt
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I am amazed by the advances in modern technology that have made this historic venture possible. If only these same technologies would be used for world peace. Perhaps one day, these very technologies can be used to send birthday cards to facist dictators, causing them to change their ways. Then again, perhaps I am thinking a little to ambitiously
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8 comments
Aaron Gilliland
I speak the language of love.  Free-form jazz harmonica.
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3 comments
James O'Brien
I'm sad about Dick Clark and the Beastie Boy's guy
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