movie reviews

January 25, 2013

Hansel & Gretel: Witch Hunters

Jeremy Renner, Gemma Arterton

Directed by: Tommy Wirkola

What to say about this lame-brained, limp dick attempt to update a classic Brothers Grimm tale into an f-bomb throwing vomit-inducing 3D franchise? I say, screw the damn thing and run the other way. It's all kinds of sad to see the gifted Jeremy Renner (Hurt Locker, The Town) tainting his rep for the sake of a quick payday. Renner plays the grownup Hansel. The British actress Gemma Arterton takes on Gretel, his sister. And they're both in the – wait for it – witch huntin... | More »

Parker

Jennifer Lopez, Jason Statham, Michael Chiklis

Directed by: Taylor Hackford

Reserve a special place in hell for movies that end up awful when they don't have to be. To a list that includes Alex Cross, Savages and The Paperboy, add Parker. Taylor Hackford (Ray) is credited as director and John J. McLaughlin (Black Swan) with the script. But the movie seems untouched by originality or human hands. The title character, created by novelist Donald E. Westlake under the name Richard Stark, is a career criminal with no first name. He inspired many movies – one, 1... | More »

John Dies at the End

Paul Giamatti

Directed by: Don Coscarelli

It's the ultimate in spoiler titles. And this stoner Ghostbusters, an altered state disguised as a movie, may also add up to a hot cult item if silliness doesn't sabotage the scares. Based on a novel by David Wong, the film pits two slackers, Dave (Chase Williamson, a deadpan delight) and poor doomed John (Rob Mayes), against paranormal foes. That is, until they trip out on soy sauce (don't ask) and enter a parallel universe where they fight to save the world from shape-shiftin... | More »

January 17, 2013

Broken City

Mark Wahlberg, Russell Crowe

Directed by: Allen Hughes

Another January dud. Broken City drops hot-shot actors in a quicksand of clichés and watches them sink. Like last week's Gangster Squad, Broken City thinks its Chinatown. Talk about delusional. Mark Wahlberg stars a Billy Taggart, a New York cop forced to resign after a controversial shooting. But Mayor Nicholas Hostetler (Russell Crow) has his back. He hires Billy, now a private investigator, to catch Mrs. Mayor (Catherine Zeta-Jones) screwing around. What seems like a simple adu... | More »

Mama

Jessica Chastain

Directed by: Andrés Muschietti

You know something is up when what looks like a cheapie fright flick is produced by Guillermo Del Toro (Pan’s Labyrinth) and boasts an Oscar-nominated actress in Jessica Chastain (Zero Dark Thirty). Mama doesn’t live up to their potential, but the film knows how to creep you out. Two sisters, Victoria (Megan Charpentier) and Lilly (Isabelle Nélisse), considered dead for five years, are found in the wilderness. The feral girls are taken in by their uncle Lucas (Game of Thron... | More »

January 10, 2013

Gangster Squad

Sean Penn, Ryan Gosling, Emma Stone, Josh Brolin

Directed by: Ruben Fleischer

Excuse my snark, but why in hell do Hollywood studios always choose January to bury their stiffs? They must think we won't notice, distracted by the 2012 leftovers (Django Unchained, Les Miz, et al.) whoring for Oscars? We notice, especially when a new film falls on its fat one. Exhibit A: Gangster Squad, a mob epic that flushes a classy cast (Sean Penn, Josh Brolin, Ryan Gosling, Emma Stone) down the sinkhole of creative bankruptcy. Gangster Squad doesn't have an original idea in ... | More »

Struck by Lightning

Chris Colfer, Rebel Wilson

Directed by: Brian Dannelly

In his screenwriting debut, Glee’s gifted Chris Colfer, 22, proves he can lace a line with sass and soul. The downside of Struck by Lightning, besides the fact that Colfer’s character, Carson Phillips, is struck dead in the first scene, is that Colfer hands himself all the best lines. In flashbacks, Carson reveals himself to be too cool for school, where he yearns for a journalism career, while the usual stereotypes (jock, cheerleader, closeted gay) reveal their stupidity. The pri... | More »

Quartet

Maggie Smith

Directed by: Dustin Hoffman

Dustin Hoffman may be late to the party, making his debut as a director at 75. But the guy's a natural. It's Hollywood that's selling plastics. Hoffman uses all he's learned as a virtuoso actor to shape a film of flesh-and-blood characters, flushed with humor and tenderness. The defiantly funny and touching Quartet, based on a play by Ronald Harwood (The Dresser), concerns opera musicians living a not-so-vida-loca in a cozy retirement home in the British countryside. Illne... | More »

December 27, 2012

Promised Land

Matt Damon

Directed by: Gus Van Sant

Known as the anti-fracking movie by people who aren't paying attention, Promised Land is actually a potent and powerful look at how the stressed economy is stressing farm communities across America. Matt Damon stars as a corporate suit offering the promise of big bucks to farmers in exchange for rights to drill for natural gas on their land. John Krasinski, who wrote the heartfelt script with Damon, plays the activist trying to stop him. Out of that conflict, director Gus Van Sant finds ... | More »

December 21, 2012

Les Misérables

Hugh Jackman, Anne Hathaway, Russell Crowe

Directed by: Tom Hooper

No one expects gutsy filmmaking in a musical. But that's just what King's Speech Oscar winner Tom Hooper delivers in Les Misérables. The massive 1980s stage smash is adapted from Victor Hugo's even more massive 1862 novel spun around the 1832 Paris student uprising. There's no spoken dialogue! Everyone sings! All the time! For nearly three hours! Think rock opera, like the Who's Tommy. If that drives you nuts, screw off and see the stupid Twilight finale again.... | More »