News of the Weak

A weekly wrap-up of the poorly wrapped
The Celebrity Death Watch
Extensive media coverage of celebrities took a tragic turn when a young man seeking a photo of Justin Bieber's automobile was struck and killed in traffic. The death received extensive media coverage.

A Turn Toward the Center
Al Gore's television network Current TV is in line for a more moderate and less anti-American tone, having just been purchased by al Qeada mouthpiece al Jazeera.

Double Crossed
New Jersey Governor Chris Christie went into high pitched squeals of outrage when his election-eve betrayal of his party, his friends, and his supposed political philosophy in the wake of hurricane Sandy did not result in a storm surge of federal pieces of silver quite as quickly as he had expected.

Aye, Robot
Vacationing in Hawaii, President Barack Obama expressed his approval of the meaningless Fiscal Cliff legislation passed by Congress by having it signed back in Washington by a staffer wielding a presidential auto-pen.

Women Get a Leg Up Thanks to Sharia
A city in Indonesia is planning to "honor" women by outlawing slacks and riding motorbikes astraddle, on grounds women are "delicate," and the pants and bikes are causing them to violate Islamic sharia law. No word on how the women plan to express their appreciation -- perhaps by joining the National Organization of Women (NOW), which has responded to sharia so far by claiming that women have at least as much to fear from conservative U.S. politicians.

What's Good for the Gander Mountain
After breathlessly publishing the names and addresses of area gun permit holders, a New York daily newspaper edited by a woman named CynDee has decided to hire armed guards for security, partly because another newspaper followed up by publishing the names and home addresses of its staff.

On the Market
A Brazilian teen is offering to sell her virginity to pay for medical treatment for her mom. The leading bidders so far? Confused American girls who have somehow managed to misplace their own.

Drowsy Drivers
A poll by the always alert Centers for Disease Control finds that 1 in 24 drivers admit to dozing while behind the wheel. The other 23 didn't respond.

Department of Duh
The U.S. State Department is warning Americans that violent crime is rampant in the Caribbean nation of Haiti, where locals have been living now for three full years in the rubble left over from a massive earthquake in January, 2010 without, apparently, making any actual effort to rebuild their country at all. On the other hand, there are early reports that the beings there are showing signs of developing a symbol-based written language and may at any moment discover the wheel. Sean Penn enjoys visiting, if that tells you anything.

Alright Everybody, Back on Your Heads, Break's Over
Apparently enjoying their dual roles as the nation's scapegoat and punchline, House Republicans re-elected John Boehner as Speaker. Boehner responded with tears, and the Tea Party for the first time found itself in agreement with him.

The Weak Ahead

Facing the challenge of the future, or at least the next few days
A Long, Long Fall
The New Year approaches, and with it the dawning realization that the nation will wake up on Jan. 1, 2013 to discover we went over the Fiscal Cliff TM -- in about 1964.

An Obstruction Develops
Facing suspicions that her stomach virus, dehydration, fall, and resultant concussion a couple of weeks ago were all inflicted on her to prevent her appearance before Congress to testify about security in Benghazi, Libya, Secretary of State Hillary Clinton has now been given a blood clot. Much more and she'll be eligible for the hazardous duty pay she didn't get for flying into Bosnia "under fire" a few years ago.

Gun Sales Shoot Up
Confronted with hourly demands from the Media and Liberal politicians to fight Gun Violence TM by giving up their legal, safe and inanimate firearms, Americans voted with their charge cards by purchasing MORE weapons. In Europe, parliamentary leaders suffering such a vote of no-confidence would be expected to retire and begin work on their memoirs; in Japan they would be expected to ceremonially disembowel themselves; in much of the Third World, they'd be expected to surrender to their main opponent's firing squad, head chopper, or chef. In America they give themselves awards and turn up the volume.

Enough Said
Office of Congressional Ethics. Some jokes pretty much tell themselves.

A Different Kind of News Magazine
NBC's Meet the Press host David Gregory (also known for increasingly frequent appearances dancing on the Today show) is under investigation by Washington D.C. police for fondling on TV a high capacity Assault Rifle TM magazine -- which is illegal to possess in the nation's capitol. Fellow reporters rushed to Gregory's defense, in one case saying he is only guilty of committing journalism, which considering the record through President Obama's first term and re-election campaign, appears also to be illegal in the District.

Getting Mad
Fans of Spy vs. Spy and a back page foldover will be celebrating the 60th anniversary of Mad Magazine. It was originally founded as a source of off-the-wall humor, but in this modern era of Tina Brown-style "news" titles, grooming- and diet-obsessed men's magazines and sex-position obsessed women's magazines, Mad is emerging as one of the more serious publications available.

The Anti-Kate
Social media is abuzz with news of celebrity derriere Kim Kardashian's pregnancy, though it shouldn't be all that surprising, having been a matter of record at least since the penning of the book of Revelations. (Soon to be an Oxygen Network reality show.)

Together Again
Diet doctor Herman Tarnower and his peevishly trigger-happy lover Jean Harris have been re-united, she having finally succumbed despite being declared divine by women's movement types who were willing to overlook her very effective use of an Assault Weapon TM against Dr. Tarnower on March 10, 1980.

The Dustbin
Psychology Today is in print with a story suggesting one can improve one's mood simply by throwing away printed versions of troublesome matters. Initial tests of this theory involving an entire week's worth of Time magazine reports seem so far to be surprisingly positive.

News of the Weak

A weekly wrap-up of the poorly wrapped
Assault (on) Rifles
California Senator Diane Feinstein, a Democrat, has announced her intention to push for gun-control legislation that would include rifles equipped with a "rocket launcher," which aside from being already illegal, are prohibitively expensive to practice with.

The Name Game
Hollywood actress Kate Winslet married somebody named Ned Rocknroll. Really. Looking forward to meeting their future kids Oldtime and Itsonly.

Answering Their Own Question
Cluelessly, MSNBC is running a piece wondering why men seem to get grumpier as they get older. This on the same page with stories like, "Dragonfly has human-like power of concentration," "Death and (estate) taxes sometimes go together," and "To regift or not to regift: Is it ever OK?" Hmm. Wonder what could be the problem?

No Leap Too Long
A perp in custody at a New Jersey police station seems to have gotten his mitts on an officer's weapon, shooting one officer and injuring two more with bullet fragments, prompting the Media and the Left to immediately describe the terrible incident as America's latest "multiple shooting" and call for Americans of every stripe and location to turn in their guns and apologize.

The Joy of Self-Fulfillment
A news item on Reuters, which rediscovers almost hourly that Republicans are intentionally driving the U.S. into bankruptcy, says that Americans -- surprise! -- fault the GOP more than the Democrats for the country's much-ballyhooed financial collapse.

A New Santa Clause
Ukrainian government officials are reminding local Santa impersonators that -- their gift-giving activities notwithstanding -- they remain liable for income tax payments just like ordinary people. In Washington, lightbulbs appeared over the heads of cash-strapped government grinches.

As If We Need Another Reason...
Hollywood celebrities finished off another year of leading the way to lunacy, detailed in part by Reuters in a piece describing Simon Cowell's fondness for pocket oxygen-shots, someone named January Jones (not a Bond girl, apparently) who enjoys powdered placenta pills, and British soaper Patsy Palmer, who rubs coffee grounds into her skin -- though it was unclear if this was a health effort, makeup technique or a bid to get into a Nate Berkus kitchen segment.

The Odd Particle
Scientists may have more information on the sought-after Higgs boson sometime in March, likely causing vast confusion on Google as bleary eyed and ham-fingered searchers after risque images mistake it for semi-nude photos of a new starlet.

The Weak Ahead

Facing the challenge of the future, or at least the next few days
Another School Shooting
Liberals and other rabbits will be sleeping secure in their holes after the apprehension of an Indiana rabbit hunter (armed with a semi-automatic .22 caliber handgun with the stopping power and range of a face slap from Richard Simmons) near an elementary school. On a Sunday.

A Season of Giving
Christmas looms, and with it the nationwide gift-giving journey of the jolly generous one, Barack Obama, many of whose typically uninvolved voters may have already forgotten his name, the daily news media and paid programming blitz having lapsed since the "election."

Stop the Presses
Newsweek magazine will publish its final printed edition this week. Scrabble and Rubik's cube manufacturers ramped up production to prepare for an expected immediate jump of 10 IQ points among the population at large.

Balk Like an Egyptian
Voting returns in Egypt seemed to support passage of a new, pro-Muslim Brotherhood constitution, prompting many freedom-loving participants in last year's so-called Arab Spring to don a sweater. And a sweatshirt. Followed by a parka. And a bullet-proof vest.

Foreign Relations
The Senate will be considering the nomination of Sen. John Kerry for the post of Secretary of State, an apt choice by the president as Kerry has made a career out of kissing up to foreign entities. The Viet Cong leap immediately to mind.

A Little Christmas Joy
Spanish winners of the country's Christmas Lottery pocketed about $500,000, which in the debased European economy is enough to pay for a long weekend in the country, if you bring your own picnic lunch.

Coach Potatoes
Boeing is testing the effect of living tissue, sort of, on wi-fi signals by using sacks of potatoes aboard jet airliners. The program proceeded well until TSA red-flagged a number of the potato sacks for suspicious behavior and had them arrested by local airport police.

Germany's Own Charlie on the MTA
A man thought to be asleep on the Berlin subway turned out to be dead, but wasn't allowed to debark when he couldn't or wouldn't produce his boarding pass.

So There
End-of-the-world doubters are scrambling to explain how predictions that the French village of Bugarach would survive The Apocalypse have obviously come true. Next time, perhaps they'll not be so quick to pooh-pooh the word of experts featured on the History Network, the Discovery Channel, and al Jazeera.

News of the (Final) Weak

A weekly wrap-up of the poorly wrapped
Still Here
December 21 arrived, and a quick check of news sites suggests that the world is not ending just yet. If this turns out to be premature, the Sentry will of course publish a correction.

Entity of the Year
Time magazine announced that President Obama is the official person of the year because of his success in attracting the idiotically uninvolved citizen to his standard in the recent election. Proving our point.

Meanwhile, North of the Border
Master criminals in Canada somehow penetrated multiple layers of security and made off with pretty much the entire year's work by the entire nation: $18 million in maple syrup. The country's only other product, street signage in French, was for some reason left undisturbed.

A Pakistani Peril
Cautious Pakistanis are waving off a polio vaccination campaign on the grounds that the vaccine is a hidden effort to undermine their men's virility and their women's modesty. A prominent Peshawar attorney was quoted  by CNN saying that the medication is actually a diabolical mixture designed to "make men less manly, and make women more excited and less bashful." Apparently it is already in use in Hollywood and Washington D.C.

Targeting the Source of the Trouble
In the wake of tragic shootings by a madman at a school in Connecticut, ordinary people astonished the news media and the Left generally by calling for the government to do more to control madmen, not guns.

Fast Company
A former Olympian is owning up to a double life as a Las Vegas escort, saying it was a coping mechanism she used when beset by emotional troubles such as depression, which she's now passed on to sports fans generally. What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas? Don't we wish.

Still Another Kennedy
A son of late Massachusetts Sen. Ted Kennedy is mulling a run for the U.S. Senate seat that might open up if John Kerry is nominated for Secretary of State. Washington D.C. gentlemen's clubs went on alert and doubled their supplies of bourbon and penicillin.

From Russia, With Love
Russian legislators passed a measure designed to prevent American parents from adopting Russian orphans, prompting U.S. therapists, weapons manufacturers, and youth rehab centers to lay off staff and shutter facilities.

Germany Goes on a Celestial Gender Bender
A German legislator is pushing a change from referring to God with the masculine article "der" to the neutral article "das." No word on whether the devil will be similarly neutered or will still be considered to be shamefully male in attitude and behavior.

The Weak Ahead

Facing the challenge of the future, or at least the next few days
Tragedy
Unfortunately it is anything but funny that our president sees no conflict between his call for an end to politics in the discussion of gun violence and his immediate trip to Connecticut to further his political goals using the murder of 20 innocents.

Overdoing It
Ahead of her scheduled appearance before Congress to testify about the killing of a U.S. ambassador in Libya on the anniversary of 9-11, Secretary of State Hillary Clinton developed a stomach virus, dehydration, fainting, and a resulting concussion. She has a doctor's note saying she'll be working from home.

A Very Private Celebrity
Bashful movie actor and professional ruffian Sean Penn is going public lambasting his fellow product-hawking, consumerist, money-grubbing Hollywood peers for their shallow, very public lives. He made his points quietly from the pages of a small, dignified, literary publication called Esquire Magazine.

No End to His Influence
Rumors that the pickled body of North Korean leader Kim Jong Il was piloting the largely out-of-control "weather satellite" launched by the Boo Radley Kingdom last week have been debunked. The always energetic leader will be lying in state for the foreseeable future, rising occasionally to sign edicts and order purges by way of The Glorious Korean People's Democratic Liberation Marionette Troupe.

Loose Lips Sink Skits
Surprisingly, Hollywood performer Samuel L. Jackson pronounced the F- word on Saturday Night Live, and will spend this week explaining that it wasn't his fault, it doesn't matter, he didn't really say it, and ... oh, F- it.

A Chilling Draft
For something like the 20th day in a row, House Speaker John Boehner (R?) -- Ohio, is being characterized as "leaving the door open for tax increases," leading to suggestions he should be given a Curb Admiral uniform and equipped with a taxi whistle to make himself useful.

Heavy Hangover
Large amounts of tomato juice and raw eggs were on the way to Siberia following a Russian animal handler's decision to serve a couple of elephants vodka to help them stand the cold when their transport trailer broke down. The elephants, Jenny and Magda, will be dosed with the hangover cure as soon as they can be located. They were last seen heading for Ladies Night at the Tobolsk Chippendales, and were reported to have left with a couple of dancers.

Good Career Move
Hollywood home wrecker Angelina Joli goes on record this week in People magazine with the promise to quit acting, leading to the obvious question, when did she start?

News of the Weak

A weekly wrap-up of the poorly wrapped
No Big Deal
Reuters news was running a video of a Chinese woman able to write simultaneously with both hands, a fairly unimpressive feat to westerners who are used to even low-level politicians able to speak from both sides of their mouths.

Missing the Point
Facebook announced an overhaul of its privacy controls despite, or perhaps because, its members evidently want the world to be aware of their every twitch and wiggle.

Reptilian
Scientists from Yale and Harvard have named a newly discovered dinosaur for President Barack Obama. Obamadon gracilis was a small, insect eating dinosaur that perished with many others about 65 million years ago when a giant asteroid struck the earth. Scientists have also named freshwater perch for several presidents and vice presidents, including Obama, Teddy Roosevelt, Bill Clinton, Al Gore, and Jimmy Carter. Republicans George W. Bush, Dick Cheney, and Donald Rumsfeld have had to settle for serving as namesakes for three species of "slime mold beetles."

Doomsday
NASA has issued a video explaining why the world didn't end on Dec. 21, as supposedly predicted by an ancient Mayan calendar, though the space agency did think to make the release a week early, just in case.

N. Korea Enters the Space Age
A "weather" satellite is tumbling and rolling in semi-controlled orbit following its launch this week by the North Korean regime, as untouched by modernity as some tribes in the deepest Amazonian jungles -- which seem in fact to have loaned the Koreans some of their technological know-how.

Victory for the Boompa-Loompas
A Florida judge has discovered a constitutional right to play one's automobile sound system as loud as one likes when driving in traffic, setting aside a noise ordinance ticket given to a Clearwater music lover with a fondness for setting other drivers' vehicles buzzing from the combined effect of his sub-woofers and his sub-normal intellect.

Cat-napping Government Bureaucrats Strike
The U.S. Dept. of Agriculture has seized oversight of the tribe of six-toed cats in residence at author Ernest Hemingway's Key West home, ruling that the home, operated as a museum, is in effect an "animal exhibitor" and subject to the department's rules requiring cages of a certain size and "elevated resting places," for the cats. The cats were unconcerned, being occupied with their ongoing effort to create a base-12 mathematical system that will allow them to compete with North Korea in the space race.

The Weak Ahead

Facing the challenge of the future, or at least the next few days
Home at Last
Former Florida Gov. Charlie Crist is adjusting to his new life as a Democrat after announcing last week that he had quit the hateful Republicans and joined the Democratic Party. Somewhere in the former Soviet Union an old Red Army general was dispatched to splash vodka on Kim Philby's grave.

Putting The Onion Out of Business
For the second week in a row, animal-dung coffee is making news around the world. Now it is apparently coffee beans eaten and excreted by elephants that makes the mellowest, earthiest java for your morning jolt. Last week it was coffee processed by South American raccoon-relations that was all the rage. Next week: What happens to those coffee-bean snacks enjoyed by Malibu celebrities.

Toes in Space
The Fiscal Cliff (TM) yawns at our feet and for the 11th week in a row CNN was able to re-use the headline, " 'SNL' spoofs Boehner, Obama," making them half right -- which will at least improve the news network's average.

Railroaded
A New York tabloid is taking heat for a picture shot by one of its free-lance photographers that showed a man about to be struck and killed by a subway train. It's a rough trade, but it should be said that in Britain, the press would have pushed the man onto the tracks, driven the train, photographed the fragments and eavesdropped on the victim's widow breaking the news to relatives.

Really?
Not to be outdone in the pointless headline competition, MSNBC is alerting the world to these head-turning events well into December: "Jack Frost nipping at Alaska's nose," and "Heavy Snow blankets Midwest, Plains." So now you know.

A Chicken and Egg Question
Men's Health magazine is reporting a study suggesting that jogging in urban areas may be bad for you, citing lower scores on cognition tests by urban joggers. Left unanswered was whether being dumb might actually be what caused them to try and exercise among frantic, tire-squealing taxis, diesel-belching buses, speeding firetrucks and the odd revenge shooter. It's also possible that what the study thought were joggers were merely people trying to avoid being run down or shot by one of the above.

Pledging in Private
News is leaking out via the magazine National Review that newly re-elected President Barack Obama is planning to keep private his official swearing in on Jan. 20, which falls on a Sunday before his weekday inauguration activities. Similar situations in the past have been covered by a full retinue of reporters and photographers. But of course there wasn't much press coverage of Moses' swearing in on Mt. Sinai, either.

It Could Work
Fiscal Cliff (TM) negotiators are likely considering a revenue enhancement technique that Reuters is reporting is under study in the African nation of Swaziland: taxing witch doctors and other natural healers. Odds are that California, having plenty of such practitioners, already has a track record of tax receipts from that section of the health care economy. Legislators may want to take precautions to avoid retaliatory curses and hexes; look at what has happened to Gov. Jerry Brown.

Foreign Affairs
U.S. Civil Service authorities were to investigate a case in which American union workers apparently took on a renovation job in France. Union labor involvement began to be suspected when the absentee owner discovered that the job assignment - destruction of an outhouse on the property and renovation of the chateau - had been reversed by the work crew.

News of the Weak

A weekly wrap-up of the poorly wrapped
That's Just Crazy
The U.S. House of Representatives voted last week to ban the word "lunatic" from federal law, on grounds that it is pejorative and demeaning. Doing so just now, under the present conditions of the republic, is tantamount to forbidding sportscasters the use of terms like "second-effort," "do-or-die," and "left it all on the field" -- it essentially makes conversation impossible. Considering that Congress similarly outlawed the term "mental retardation" a couple of years ago, one wonders if the institution is merely trying to prevent public discussion of its efforts.

Oral Exams
Harvard University has approved a student group calling itself Harvard College Munch that will focus on kinky sex. The line for potential faculty advisors ran out the door and down the street for a number of blocks. Meanwhile conservative student groups must meet in back alleys and storerooms, using secret words and hand gestures to confirm membership.

For Heaven's Snakes
Florida, beset by a population explosion of exotic Burmese pythons in the Everglades, has announced a contest featuring a $1,500 prize for whoever slaughters the largest numbers of the 20-foot-long serpents. A separate $1,000 prize awaits the killer of the largest snake. The creatures have been consuming native wildlife from rabbits, oppossums and raccoons to deer and alligators. The state is offering on-line instruction in snake-killing and presumably handing out large sticks to contestants. Road-kill snakes are not eligible, though there seems to be no rule against running over one of the beasts and then pursuing it into the underbrush to finish the job. Better bring a semi-truck. And be careful not to bludgeon James Carville by mistake.

Excessive Redundancy
Disney World's Magic Kingdom park opened a new section entitled "FantasyLand," which seems a bit like Hollywood launching a tourism site called "Celebrity Nincompoops," or Congress convening a committee on "Lunatics." Oops, already we're in potential violation of federal law.

Turnabout Is Fair Play
Malibu show biz celebrities were holding their noses as a 40,000 pound dead whale decomposed on the beach near their multimillion dollar homes, releasing a stench not unlike the rot the rest of the country endures from their local cinema multiplex. Who says there is no justice?

Turnabout Is Fair Play II
Duchess Kate, the new and pregnant wife of Prince William, heir to the British throne, was admitted to hospital, as the British say, suffering from hyperemesis gravidarium, which may or may not be a curse from the Harry Potter books, but in any case translates into excessive and continuous morning sickness vomiting, which again echoes the response of many to the continuing and excessive coverage of the royal couple.

Talking It Out
According to a study in Britain, people with Depression who don't respond to antidepressive medications may improve through talk therapy with a qualified practitioner, especially if the therapist slaps them repeatedly and tells them to "Snap out of it!" In any case the therapist will feel better.

More Lunacy
Moon rocks presented to the state of Alaska by President Richard Nixon have been recovered after going missing in an arson fire several years ago. It couldn't be confirmed that the rocks had been doing duty as walkway markers at an Anchorage-area Cracker Barrel restaurant in the interim.

The Weak Ahead

Facing the challenge of the future, or at least the next few days
LA Moves Against Grass
No, it's not what you think; Los Angeles authorities are offering to replant with native plants the yards of people willing to voluntarily give up their grass lawn. No charge, says the city of the drought-fighting effort, failing to mention that nature itself will rebuild your dug-up lawn with native plants for free. They're called weeds, and they don't require filling out triplicate environmental impact forms at three city hall offices.

Breathing Easier?
OSHA, the same federal agency that requires workers to be outfitted with Everest-assault type equipment to get a box of widgets down from the top shelf, is taking on air quality in the nation's air fleet. Prepare for pre-flight endotracheal airways, 100 percent oxygen, and spectacular midair explosions as a result.

Greek Tragedy
Citizens of  Greece are looking back to the prognostications of a 1950s era seer who predicted hard times ahead for the hard-pressed Mediterranean country. Greeks are assembling at the grave of Elder Paisios, praying and kissing the simple cross that marks it, as well as buying books and other products revealing his thoughts on everything from economics to diets to the eventual liberation of Constantinople, and including the dark insight that the world is ruled by a secret cabal of five people, most likely including Morley Safer, Michelle Obama, Chad Ochocinco, Hollywood's Ed Burns and the heirs and assigns of the late Soupy Sales. Which explains the tough times the long-dead Greek correctly predicted.

The Line Will Continue, Maybe
Those who care about such things can breathe a bit easier: Britain's Crown Prince William and his new bride Kate have announced that they are expecting, and  - a woman's "right to choose" always protected, of course - the realm now has a new monarch in the making. Kate-watchers were being medicated to handle the threat of massive pregnancy weight-gain, as much as three or four pounds, the svelte Kate might have to endure.

Bootless
The barefoot homeless man who was presented last week with a well-publicized pair of free boots by a New York police officer has turned up unshod once again, but freshly lubricated in order to face that fact.

Gun Play
Opinionators are in action this week explaining an NFL linebacker's decision over the weekend to shoot his girlfriend and mother of his child nine times and then turn the gun on himself. Charges against the perpetrator, described as a semi-automatic handgun, will be forthcoming. Co-conspirators, described as bumps on the head during football games, were being sought for questioning.

Manufacturing, a Crisis
The Institute for Supply Management is predicting a dramatic contraction in U.S. manufacturing. Reuters blames the extremely cautious attitude on worries about the fiscal cliff, but the situation rivals the worst seen in the last three years. If memory serves, that would have been early in the term of the POTUS who just earned a lukewarm re-election by a discouraged, distracted, and deceived electorate, so we're just sayin'....

A Slap on the Wrist
A dissident Austrian priest is facing discipline for opposing the Vatican's rule on ordination of women. Father Helmut Schueller lost the right to call himself a "Chaplain of His Holiness," which seemed to Vatican watchers a mild rebuke compared to the Eternal Damnation to Hell Everlasting that he could have faced.

A Specialty Brand Offered by MSNBC's Morning Joe
Fans of exotic coffees will want to try a special brand brewed from arabica coffee beans that have passed through the digestive tract of the South American coati, a relative of the raccoon. The beans emerge in the animal's scat partially fermented and stripped of bitter-tasting proteins, according to Reuters, but bearing a new, much higher price tag and aroma one assumes could be described as "earthy." Non-pooped coffee is still available to those with unsophisticated palates at regular prices.

News of the Weak

A weekly wrap-up of the poorly wrapped
Lunchmates
President Obama hosted vanquished Republican presidential candidate Mitt Romney at the White House for a let's-be-friends midday get together, but then ate Mitt's lunch. Again.

The Cover-Up
Entertainer Jennifer Lopez, J-Lo to those who stumble over multiple syllables, is planning to focus more on the music and less on her trademark revealing outfits at a series of concerts in the strict Muslim nations of Indonesia and Malaysia. Tickets are going like cold cakes.

Haz No Internet?
Somebody in rebellion-stricken Syria tripped over the plug this week, plunging the nation into Internet darkness and leaving tens of thousands of kittens and girls with duck faces roaming the streets with no outlet for their creative impulses.

Secret Santa
An anonymous Kansas City businessman is making the rounds of areas decimated by the storm Sandy, handing out crisp $100 bills at random and collecting hugs from stunned recipients. Only cynics would make light of the fact that the man has to travel with a team of uniformed police officers and FBI agents and be extremely careful where he stops in order to avoid being assaulted and trampled by mobs determined to seize their share - and more - of his Christmas spirit. This is why the real Santa travels late at night in the worst weather with a crack team of security reindeer.

Sounds Fishy
Los Angeles continued to push its luck this week, unveiling caviar vending machines in several area malls with products priced up to $500 for an ounce of Imperial River Beluga Caviar. Patrons quickly went into standard California riot mode when long lines formed behind people inserting the purchase price a quarter at a time.

Clean and Sober
An attorney for Lindsay Lohan inadvertently made a pithy comment on pop culture standards by insisting that his client was completely sober when she punched out a tourist at a New York nightclub.

Bonus Play
New York's Museum of Modern Art refined its continuing pattern of self-parody by acquiring for display a number of old computer games like Tetris, Pong, and Pac-Man. No word on whether the museum will also offer Jordache jeans, musk cologne, herpes, and double-figure interest rates for a full-immersion 1970s experience.

Look, Up in the Sky...
Chinese sky watchers were red-faced this week after a UFO they spotted recently turned out to have been a European Ariane 5 rocket that was carrying a couple of communication satellites into orbit. Later, other frightened Chinese were calmed by news that the boxes full of miniature talking people at their more modern People's Community Centers are actually something called television that the Party leaders have rendered safe by keeping it under tight control.

Get the Message?
Researchers at Hebrew University in Jerusalem released a study this week showing that people's body language is often more revealing of their real intent than what they say in words. This came as little surprise to Israelis accustomed to hearing pleas for peace from Palestinians whose bodies simultaneously launch rockets into Jewish territory.

Caught in a Web
Republican Congressman Darrell Issa may be more in favor of somebody, anybody, controlling the Internet after a foray onto Reddit resulted in an extended flame session that saw questioners blasting him for practically everything from his position on cyber intelligence to his taste in shoelaces. The young staffer whose idea it was to send the congressman troll-baiting on the Web was last seen on a Greyhound headed for his new posting in far North Dakota. Issa represents California.

The Weak Ahead

Facing the challenge of the future, or at least the next few days
Gilligan's Isle
Oceanographers have concluded that a small South Pacific island located on maps and charts for years does not actually exist, but skeptics are wondering if they simply checked at high tide.

Buyer's Remorse
Black Friday continued its bleak trek toward literal truth as surging crowds scuffled and fought over discounted merchandise that very few of them intended to actually pay for anyway.

The Projection of Farce
The Chinese military is moving a step closer to the projection of force around the world with the first successful landing of a jet fighter on their new aircraft carrier. Chinese bankers whispered behind their hands to the generals that the force-projection thing has already been taken care of.

Mossbacks
Beginning this week, the singing group The Rolling Stones will be celebrating 50 years of decadence with a series of concerts or death, whichever comes first.

Phone Tag
There will be red faces at the White House after President Barack Obama made Thanksgiving calls to ten American service members over the holiday, and nine of them let the calls go to voicemail. The other one opted to take the call thinking it was Rachel from cardholder services.

Sotto Voce
Icelandic curiosity Bjork is recovering from throat surgery, and experts say it is possible, now, that she could begin a successful singing career.

Bright Prospects
Reportedly intelligent people at London's Cambridge University will convene a working group tasked with studying whether computers may at some point become smarter than and pose a threat to humans as in the movies, suggesting that the first step in the process is already well behind us.

Trail Blazers
A recent study suggests that in the shopping season ahead, men will be somewhat more adept than women at finding their parked car and heading home, probably because that is all they've been thinking about during the entire shopping trip.

Gas Emissions
United Nations climate talks will resume this time in Doha, Qatar, to work toward an international pact aimed at reducing the world's oversupply of hot air. No, that's all.

News of the Weak

A weekly wrap-up of the poorly wrapped
Thanks
Americans assembled for an annual giving of thanks that there are only a couple of holidays every year that combine liquor, large amounts of food, frantic activity and the presence of relatives whose name nobody can quite get right year after year.

Walk Like an Egyptian
Angry citizens of Egypt rallied in the streets in protest of their new liberal leader Mohamed Morsy's order forbidding the nation's courts from overturning his modest and moderate orders.

Do They Know It's Christmas Time At All?
Pope Benedict XVI hit the bestseller lists in time for Black Friday sales with a new book debunking several popular Nativity myths, including the one about angels singing at Jesus's birth and the presence of livestock at the scene, as traditionally featured in Holiday cards, carols, and Christmas pageants. Street level Christians expressed dismay that the Pope was injecting religion into the festive and joyful Christmas season.

Turkey Trot
President Barack Obama rescued two plump turkeys from the chopping block with an official pardon in a White House ceremony, after which the birds were jogged, exercised and lectured to death by the health-conscious First Lady. The remains were cremated, after a fashion, and disposed of with stuffing and cranberry sauce.

Chopper Fun
A new thought-controlled toy helicopter may not make it to store shelves in time for Christmas, as the device has developed an alarming tendency to dive upon and otherwise attack the spouse of whoever happens to be wearing the brain-wave detecting headset.

Fracking the Economy
Conservative historian Niall Ferguson is predicting that the process of fracking, or extracting oil from supposedly exhausted fields by a water-injecting process, will drive an economic boom in the U.S. as domestically produced energy becomes more readily available. This explains why the fracking process is already under serious attack by nearly every variety of Left-leaning public figure and will soon be thoroughly fracked itself.

Shaken, Not Stirred
New Jersey suffered a bit more damage to its infrastructure and its dignity as a minor earthquake rattled the few unbroken windows in the state. The temblor was followed quickly by Gov. Chris Christie going on the air to laud President Barack Obama's earthquake recovery efforts. The White House urged him to give it a rest.

Holiday Havoc
Thanksgiving at Hollywood celebrity Halle Berry's home followed a traditional path, as her present boyfriend scuffled with her previous boyfriend, sending someone to the hospital and jail, but by that time no one was paying attention any more.

On the Road Again
Illinois, that essentially conservative Midwestern state under the control of organized Liberal gangs in Chicago, may well add to its strict gun control and near-confiscatory state taxes a law allowing illegal aliens to acquire driver's licenses. Massachusetts and California were caught by surprised, but promised equivalent outrages in short order.

Fun With Non-Sequiturs
Toyota recalled 160,000 Tacoma pickup trucks, leaving lots of people afoot in the Washington state community that, along with Seattle and Spokane, is not actually the state capital. That would be Olympia, the town, not Snowe, the U.S. senator. From Maine.

The Weak Ahead

Facing the challenge of the future, or at least the next few days
Crash the Vote
NBC News has discovered that fatal accidents are much more common in Red states than in Blue, but doesn't say how much of the difference might be related to A.) the recent election results, or B.) the fact that Ted Kennedy is no longer dating.

Rock Hounds
Native American and U.S. Parks officials are howling over the theft of tribal rock drawings in Eastern California. Thieves used heavy saws to cut out and remove the images, known as petroglyphs, possibly for sale on the underground art collector market or to fashionable garden decorators in Beverly Hills.

Good Shot
Animal rights activists in Pennsylvania are unhappy that the aerial surveillance drone they were using to tape a hunting club's pigeon shoot was shot down by one of the group's ace wing-shooters. The club would have gotten more, but the bag-limit on do-gooders' aerial surveillance drones is a paltry one per season.

The Smell Test
Olfactory scientists have discovered a new smell, it was reported recently in the journal Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences, without mentioning that the smell was most noticeable around the beginning of the month in polling places in Philadelphia, Chicago, and certain parts of southern Florida.

Happy Landings
Travelers to Las Vegas's McCarran International Airport reacted with yawns to the recent opening of a to-go liquor store at the facility, probably because much more exotic and comprehensive intoxicants are available from any redcap, parking lot attendant, or off-duty TSA staffer outside.

A Brace of Coneys to Go, Please
Makers of the new movie The Hobbit are disputing charges that 27 animals used in the film died at the New Zealand facility used to corral them during off hours. Every effort was made to safeguard the animals, including chickens, goats, and sheep, said the film studio, or failing that, to spice, cook and serve them appropriately so as to honor their memory.

Tax the Rich
Hollywood tough guy Nicolas Cage ponied up $600,000 toward his several million dollar outstanding tax bill, which may have had to wait as he devoted his energies to backing Democrats determined to increase taxes on middle class types who actually pay their IRS levy.

Life Imitates Punch Line
A Polish man is under arrest, charged with planning to blow up the Polish Parliament. Authorities said he might have succeeded but couldn't decide how many of his fellow Poles it would take to do the job.

Higher Education
Parents dismayed by the state of math education in American schools will be dismayed but not surprised by news that the Big Ten Conference will soon include the University of Maryland and Rutgers, bringing to 14 the number of schools in the conference. The total is not so much a baker's dozen as an idiot's decade.