One month and four days. SNL writers had one month and four days between new episodes to work on material, and what they ended up with was…Top Dog Chef. Last night’s Jennifer Lawrence-hosted episode was, through no fault of her own (she was funny, charming, and game for anything), pretty awful, with a messy, packed first half making way for a stagnant second. It was maddeningly all over the place; not a single sketch felt fully formed.

Plus, WE JUST FOUND OUT A SUPER FAMOUS ATHLETE “KILLED” HIS FAKE GIRLFRIEND AND HAS BEEN LYING ABOUT IT FOR WEEKS, which, well, read that sentence again. It’s perfect fodder for SNL…and it was reduced to a brief Weekend Update joke and one-third of a Piers Morgan cold open. But I’m sure the next time a celebrity is involved in an elaborate Internet hoax with a woman who never existed, SNL will get it right.

One more thing: JENNIFER LAWRENCE BOOBS NUDE BUTT NAKED JENNIFER LAWRENCE. Oh, hey, Google.

Here in the U.S., we freak out — a.k.a. tweet snarky comments — when our politicians misspeak ever so slightly. Imagine what our reaction would be to a man jumping on stage while President Obama was giving a speech on TV, and tried to kill him right then and there with a gun. Such was the scene in Bulgaria earlier today.

Yesterday, after Deadspin’s bombshell report on Manti Te’o and his fake girlfriend had taken the world by storm, repugnant bovine feces disseminator tried to hop on the website’s bandwagon, naturally, tweeting out praise for Deadspin and the staff members Tom Scocca and Timothy Burke, the managing editor and one of the two writers bylined on the piece (the other was Jack Dickey). The site promptly responded with the beautifully succinct tweet above, perhaps the greatest tweet to ever be tweeted.

So how’s the notoriously razor thin-skinned reality TV prick handling having his praise so profanely rebuffed? Like a cantankerous papoose prematurely ripped from its mother’s nipple, that how. SHOCKING, right?

Can I tell you how much I love this story? You have NO IDEA how much I love this story. I love this story so much that I don’t know where to even begin with it. Here’s the gist: it appears as though the Catholic Church has its own Walter White — his name is Monsignor Kevin Wallin — and he hails from Fairfield County, Connecticut. Yesterday, a grand jury indicted Wallin, along with four others, on six counts of possession with the intent to distribute. Prosecutors say that he and his pals ran a meth ring that stretched all across the country. If convicted, he faces up to 20 years in prison and a $2 million fine.

Oh my god, where to begin? First I’d like to announce that Archer Executive Producer and all-around tremendous guy Matt Thompson will be dropping in shortly after this goes live so direct all your burning questions @Matt in the comments thread and he’ll be providing his one-of-a-kind insight into the episode and all things Archer.

We knew the Bob’s Burgers crossover was coming, but we didn’t know when or how, so to not only kick off the season with it but then also take it next level by wrapping the whole thing in a History of Violence homage was so f-ing brilliant it almost blew my head in half like an exploding can of cooking spray. Thank god I forgot that Danger pretty much inferred all this from interview snippets a few months back or I would have been extraordinarily pissed.

Highlights followed by spectacular Chet Manley GIFs…