Well, here's a touching mother-daughter story that'll make you scrub rubbing alcohol into your eyeballs while soaking in a tub full of boiling hot ammonia. What I'm saying is that you should check to make sure you have a lot of ammonia and rubbing alcohol on hand.

Meet 56-year-old Jessica and 22-year-old Monica, a mother and daughter (meaning, Jessica gave birth to Monica) who are so close that they share everything including peens. Jessica and Monica are known as the mother-daughter porn duo (NSFL) The Sexxxtons and they've been doing dudes on camera together for about a year now. HuffPo says that they confirmed that they are actually mother and daughter by checking their drives licenses and private Facebook pages.

Just like the other mother/daughter porn duo Elli and Desi Foxx, Jessica and Monica tell HuffPo (via Gawker) that they have rules like every mother and daughter who bone the same dude together should. Jessica says that they will have threesomes with a dude or another chick, but they won't touch each other or kiss.

"We don't have a problem doing two-on-one. We will have sex with one man, but not interact with each other. It's not easy to do. Our lips never touch and that can be a problem when filming."

Monica is the one who got them in the porn business. Monica dropped out of school in the 9th grade and after years of stripping and bartending, she met some people in porn and got her mom in the business first. Soon after her mom was humping sex parts on camera, Monica joined her and the rest is porn history.

Monica says that sure, sometimes she has suck dicks that taste like Palmolive, because dude had to wash it in the bathroom sink after sticking in her mom, but overall she loves doing fuck films with her mom.

"I enjoy the sex and I enjoy being with my mom. During the scenes, I think about how we're going to be filthy rich."

Ho enjoys sex and enjoys being with her mom so she put the two together? I like eating cupcakes naked and pinching my nipples while watching Property Brothers, but you don't see me putting those two things together. Actually, scratch that, I've been there. And during scenes, shouldn't bitch be thinking, "SANTO DIOS, I hope my mom's twatty juices don't drip on my face right now."

P.S. -  You probably guessed this after reading the words, "mother-daughter porn duo," but they're from Tampa, Florida. Oh, Florida, it's always you.

P.P.S. - So many Lohan jokes, so little time.

Every Thanksgiving, Martha Stewart handles a whole lot of raw turkeys with her bare hands. Martha massages a raw turkey on the Today show, she manhandles many unprotected turkeys bareback-style during other appearances and she slaps her assistants on the ass with a raw turkey when they do wrong. This year, handling all that raw turkey caught up with Martha and put her on the sick bed for a while. Martha caught raw meat's answer to the flu: salmonella. While looking at some painting at Art Basel in Miami yesterday, Martha told Page Six all about how she had to cancel her life when she got salmonella.

“I never get sick, but I came down with salmonella. I think I caught it because I was handling so many turkeys around Thanksgiving. I was on the ‘Today’ show, I did a number of other [Thanksgiving] appearances. It really hit me hard and I was in bed for days. It was terrible. I lost some weight, though.

Anne Hathaway just slapped herself. Anne literally starved herself for 13 straight days to look like a malnourished urchin (and to win that Oscar) and she could've easily got sickly skinny just by making out with raw turkeys.

And I'm sure Martha won't make the same mistake again next Thanksgiving. Next year, she's going to chop off one of her assistant's hands and use those hands to handle raw turkeys. Lesson learned.

Bottom shelf porn star turned gay-for-pay gold digger Nick Gruber was Calvin Klein's leased toy for a little over two years and now he's writing a tell-all book about his time in CK, because he thinks everyone wants to know the details of how he licked Calvin's overcooked ham hocks for fancy gifts. Nick gave Page Six Magazine (via WOW Report) a little taste of what's in the tell-all and it's pretty hilarious.

Nick says that even though Calvin Klein bought him a $250,000 Bentley sports car and kept him in a West Village penthouse, he never once asked for a dime and has never used anybody for money (HAHAHA #1). Nick was in the army when he met Calvin and the sweet scent of easy money and formaldehyde made him quit. Nick used that whole "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" shit to his advantage by telling his first sergeant that he was gay, which got him discharged (HAHAHA #2). Nick was living the high life with Calvin for two years and then the beginning of the end came when a friend stayed the night with him. Calvin's housekeeper ratted on a bitch and then this happened:

“Calvin picked me up in his car, drove me down to the Holiday Inn in Chelsea, and we went downstairs in the basement of the hotel. He made me take a lie-detector test. I passed it. And then, you know, things were much better. But I mean, what kind of partner would make you take a lie detector test?”

What partner would make you take a lie detector test? The kind of partner who practically bought your ass. Nick claims he's straight, so he was only slurping on Calvin's 60-something slow cooked dick (you know the meat just falls off the bone) for money. That makes him Calvin's employee pretty much and Calvin had to make sure nobody else was touching his shit. (Side note: If you're a professional kept bitch and you break your ass or bruise your peen on the job, do you get worker's comp?)

Nick, who's got a new sugar daddy in California, says that he knows he'll always hold a special place in Calvin's heart:

"I was the first man [Calvin] fell in love with. I don't know why, but there's, like, something about me that attracts everyone. I have a nickname called Romeo. I get every girl, and even guys. Something about me draws them all in."

Romeo is right. I'm drawn in, aren't you? Let's all put our laundry money together and rent Romeo for one night. We'll just sit back and stare at him as he casually flashes his freshly waxed armpit while lying against a grand piano.

Oh, and Calvin took back that $250,000 Bentley after they broke up. But at least Nick got to keep those new teeth in his mouth and when his current sugar daddy bought him a BMW motorcycle, he made sure the title was in his name. The gold digger is finally learning how to gold dig the right way.

Thank you to Rose McGowan for giving us the answer to the question, "What would Ann Jillian look like with a Japanese Chin puppy mask on?" - Hollywood Tuna

"Do you want the silver rattle or the diamond-encrusted gold rattle?" said JLo while taking Casper Smart shopping at Tiffany's - Lainey Gossip 

Matthew Mitcham is the new bulge of Funky Trunks - Towleroad

Dear Lena Dunham, not everyone has a rich mommy and daddy who can fund most of their first movie - Celebitchy

Weight Watchers is mad at Jessica Simpson for taking their money, drizzling it with chocolate sauce and shoving it down her mouth after getting pregnant - The Superficial 

I feel like Jessica Biel's dress was a curtain from Pier 1 Imports in its past life - Drunken Stepfather

James Franco actually showed up to Vanity Fair's Freaks and Geeks reunion - The Berry 

That dress you made out of a tablecloth in home ec: Zooey Deschanel is wearing it - Popoholic

What in Vulcan preacher hell is Nicole ScherMINGEr wearing? - ICYDK

Gwen Stefani has lion hair in Marie Claire - Hollywood Rag 

Miley Cyrus needs to put down her Flowbee and stop the insanity, because there can only be one Susan Powter - Popsugar

Isla Fisher's chichis look like they're being held up by chiffon-wrapped spoons - Moe Jackson 

One of these has to be Alex O'Loughlin's O face. I'm guessing the third one - SOW

How To Bring High Levels of Class to a Funeral by Hector Camacho's side piece and girlfriend - Crunk + Disorderly

Presenting the Salma Hayek of the monkey world - The Frisky 

The Star Trek: Into Darkness trailer needs more Spock brows - I'm Not Obsessed

Mike Tyson is telling that "Ah almothst beath Brad Pith upth" story again - Celebslam 

(Pic via FameFlynet)

via Izismile

The most embarrassing thing that happened during last night's Grammy Nominations Concert (yes, that's an actual event) was the crazy Beliebers and Justin Bieber's manager declaring their Fetus Jesus an "underdog" for getting shafted by the voters. The second most embarrassing thing that happened was Carly Rae Jepsen violating my soul by saying she was "over the moon" about her Grammy nomination. The second most embarrassing thing that happened was Carly Rae Jepsen actually getting nominated for a Grammy. And the fourth most embarrassing thing that happened was Taylor Swift attempting to beatbox while hosting the concert with the only dude she hasn't dated (I think) LL Cool J.  I know, a country pop singer from a Christmas tree farm in Pennsylvania can't beatbox! Shock.

And let's try to keep the jokes about Taylor Swift's beat box to a minimum, because it's always too early for that and I don't need the visuals today.

via IDLYITW

Being the responsible and sane parents that they are, Eddie Cibrian and Brandi Glanville continued to throw hate at each other in the media yesterday. It all started when Brandi told UsWeekly that LeAnn Rimes is a laxative-loving crazy bitch who puts her children in danger and that Eddie never returns her e-mails. Then Eddie responded by giving Radar an e-mail he supposedly sent to Brandi. The e-mail only makes sense if you picture Eddie transcribing it as LeAnn shouts the words while waving three $100 bills at his face. Here's Eddie's letter and yes, I felt like he was personally kneeing me in the taint when he typed "wine and narcissism" like it's a bad thing!

"I know your life exists solely for the purpose of living and creating drama. It's a sad way to live. It's so obvious that you have to constantly mention my wife so people will care what comes out of your mouth. One day when wine and narcissism are not consuming you, you will realize how fortunate the kids are to have LeAnn in their life. She is amazing with them, as the kids will 100 percent attest to. You should be so lucky to one day find someone who will love and respect Mason and Jake as she does. Although, I really don't know how anyone can put up with your constant bullshit. No wonder you have lost so many 'close' friends. Grow up already and for once, PUT THE KIDS FIRST!"

Since Brandi has nothing to do all day but yell at semi-human mannequins in front of Bravo's cameras, she immediately ate one of LeAnn's candy laxatives, turned around and fired another shit bomb at Eddie. Brandi went on Twitter and told Eddie to grow a pair of huevos. Brandi also said that LeAnn is addicted to Adderall and drinks like a fish. Again, why do whores keep kneeing me in that taint like that? Drinking like a fish is a bad thing?! Brandi has since deleted all those tweets and said that she's going to stop tweeting about Eddie and LeAnn for now.

Brandi is fueled by the crazy, but LeAnn is crazier. Case in point: A few weeks ago, I spent about 6 minutes with my cousin's kids and during those 6 minutes, one ate most of my pumpkin brownie, the other one slapped my forehead and the third one took my iPhone out of my hand without asking. It was like a moment with Lindsay Lohan. They did all of this while some annoying Nickelodeon cartoon played in the background. I had to change the channel from HGTV to Nickelodeon for them! Kids are thieves and laugh when they physically assault you! You can't even call the cops on them. They are above the law. So why would anyone fight over kids that don't legally belong to them?

One of Brandi's kids even stole one of LeAnn Rimes' laxatives out of her purse. You'd think that's where LeAnn would draw the line. When you mess with her precious poop pills, you mess with her emotions. But no, LeAnn still wants to spend quality time with them. Crazy ass bitch.

The last time Lindsay Lohan followed The Wanted somewhere, she ended up being dragged away in handcuffs after a Florida psychic wrongfully set her up by running into her fist. That didn't keep LiLo from stalking The Wanted, because she showed up in Philadelphia last night to see them perform at the Q102 Jingle Ball. You know LiLo is truly hard up for some British boy band dick when she gets up at 6am to take the $15 Chinatown bus from NYC to Philadelphia.

LiLo dressed up like a teenage runaway junkie and managed to get backstage to hang out with Max George (aka the bald one) by telling security that she was the winner of a charity contest. Surprisingly for everyone, LiLo didn't whoop a trick or get into any trouble. All she did was use her old witch claw to sign an autograph. Or should I say, LiLo thought she was signing an autograph, but was actually signing served civil papers. (Pro tip to servers everywhere: If you want Lindsay Lohan to sign, just ask her for an autograph. The mess falls for it every time.)

And if you were backstage at last night's Jingle Ball and asked the question, "Where is my wallet?", you now have your answer!

When you come across a horny cougar in the wild and she busts into her mating call dance, it's best to sit really still and don't make eye contact, which is exactly what Lenny Kravitz did at Chanel's Art Basel party in Miami last night. I don't know if Lenny is flipping the photographer off for capturing this hilariously awkward moment or he's flipping himself off for putting himself in that position. Whatever the case may be, I see Demi Moore eyeing his middle finger the same way a cat-in-heat eyes the tip of a Q-tip. Jump it, ride it, break it, Demi.

Demi was at the Chanel party with her new 20-something piece and when she wasn't sticking her tongue down his mouth hole, she was riding the beat bareback-style. Lenny Kravitz looks like a cross between a kid who's embarrassed by his mom and a tortured prisoner who is too stunned to move. It looks like Demi is doing the Stanky Leg, the Funky Chicken and the one-ho Lambada all at once. Stacy Keibler should be taking notes, because if she served moves like that to George Clooney, he would've married her a million times over by now.

And no, the dude in the navy blazer doesn't speak for us all. I don't ever want Demi to stop. Because the beat stops if Demi isn't whipping it with her hot, sweet moves.

Duchess Kate and the most important fetus in the world were released from King Edward VII Hospital this morning after being treated for the extreme shits and barfs. Duchess Kate will now go back to her palace where she'll lay on her princess canopy bed and ring a crystal bell every time she needs to vom onto her handmaiden's lap. Since Duchess Kate is on bed rest, she is unable to fulfill her daily duties of waving at her subjects at the opening of a new garden or whatever, so The Palace announced that England's Finest Rose (official royal title) and the true Princess of England Jodie Marsh will fill in for Kate until she's well enough to wave at her subjects at the opening of a new garden again.

Don't bother trying to buy Duchess Kate's coat online. It's SOLD OUT. Those suede boots (Note: The princess is truly magical, because her suede boots are staying up without the help of a rubber band)? GONE! Those black tights? You can only get them in charcoal. The scarf? You can't find one anywhere. Bitches are even dying their old ivory scarves that color, so periwinkle RIT dye is sold out too. Yellow roses? Nowhere to be found. Go out to your backyard and I'm sure your ass will see that your yellow rose bush is gone. Everything Kate touches, sells out immediately. Even the world's supply of Bumpits is running low, so get one while you can.

Speaking of Bumpits, the Palace should probably block all of Kate's calls and e-mails from Jersey. Because Snooki recently gave her some advice and now here's Kate wearing a Bumpit. Shut it down now before Kate starts rubbing orange-tinted cocoa butter on her belly and is seen buying Absolut Baby Bottles at Bargain Booze.