Liz Smith

"FITNESS. If it came in a bottle everyone would have a great body," said Cher.

• THESE DAYS, Bruce Jenner is known as the hangdog husband of Kris Kardashian, the mother of seemingly hundreds of daughters, all of whom have little talent but a lot of exhibitionism.

  
  But Bruce---once...

"F*CK 'EM if they can't take a joke."

Bette Midler immortalized that expression. And Tom Cruise must be muttering it himself this week. Although I had a feeling "Rock of Ages" wasn't going to be a smash, I did think enough people would appreciate this obvious parody of 1980s music,...

"ALMOST forty years after the Watergate arrests on June 17, 1972, three myths about it are still pervasive. First, that the scandal only concerned 'a third-rate burglary' of the headquarters of the Democratic National Committee. "Second, that the cover-up was worse than the crime. "And, finally that two reporters (Woodward...

"If 'Anger Management' wins an audience...it'll most likely be due not to the quality of the show but to the immense appeal and charm of Charlie Sheen on the small screen," writes Erik Hedegaard in Rolling Stone. (The show bows on June 28 on Fox.)

This is the article, titled...

"OKAY, HERE's what I learned from Tom Cruise. You have a day, a bad day. The dog gets off its leash, the wife is on your back and won't stop calling, you've lost your keys, the dry cleaner has lost your best suit, you're stressed to the max, your pulse...

EXCLUSIVE TO LIZ SMITH FROM LAMAR WALDRON, one of the best investigative journalists
in the U.S. A shot over the bow of anti-conspiracy theorists everywhere, with Lamar saying the following:

"Sunday is the 40th anniversary of the Watergate arrests...I have tried to emphasize Watergate without getting into the JFK...

"Thou shalt not take the name of the Lord in vain," reads the third commandment in the famous Ten! I thought of this when watching the Tony Awards last Sunday night on TV. They opened with the super neat evangelical men from "The Book of Mormon" singing the...

"I married David for better, for worse; but not for lunch!" said the Duchess of Windsor whenever she turned up at the famous Ritz Hotel in Place Vendome, Paris. (She was speaking of an abdicated King of England.)

Vanity Fair magazine presents in its July issue popular writer A. E....

"It turns out that, at social gatherings, as a source of entertainment, conviviality, and good fun, I rank somewhere between a sprig of parsley and a single ice skate," said Dorothy Parker.

• I always love going anyplace where the P.R. dynamo Peggy Siegal is doing her thing. Saw her last...

"MAYORS do things. Mayors make things happen. There's one thing mayors can agree on, whether they're Republicans, Democrats, or Independents and I'm the one person in the room who can speak, with authority on all three. We don't have the luxury of giving speeches and making promises," says Mayor Mike...

"I'm really a stripper."

"I'm in a boy band."

"Okay--you win!"

That exchange between Julianne Hough and Diego Boneta, toward the end of the movie version of the Broadway smash "Rock of Ages," elicited one of the many big laughs this film rolls out. (The two are comparing how low...

"SAY SOMETHING funny!" said a reporter to Noel Coward. He responded: "Kangaroo!" "But you're a star," said the woman. Say something!"Noel Coward: "Twinkle--twinkle!"

• I hoped John Edwards wouldn't go to jail so I am satisfied with the North Carolina jury's limited decision that he didn't take Bunny Mellon's money for...

"A QUEEN....must live and suffer under the world's eye. No woman is above her but the Queen in Heaven, so she can look for no companionship in her troubles. If she suffers she suffers alone, and she needs a special grace to bear it." Those are the words of Henry...

"TO WIN back my youth there is nothing I wouldn't do -- except take exercise, get up early, or be a useful member of society, said Oscar Wilde.

• LOVE FLIES out the door, but private jets are forever. At least they are when you are handsome 22-year old "model" Nick...

"Close your eyes and think of England!" which is generally good advice for any occasion.

• It's funny to me! Here we are in a supposedly secular, informal, democratic, non-royal country and we are surrounded by queens wearing crowns and coronets. We are "queen" crazy.

  
  There is a wonderful...

"DON'T INCENSE the king, sir. You know what Thomas More used to say: 'If the lion knew his own strength, it were hard to rule him.'"

So speaks the character Richard Riche in a new novel about Henry VIII and Anne Boleyn.

• I AM busy now reading Hilary Mantel's "Bring...

"JUST KEEP not taking yourself too seriously. And just remember to go get a hamburger!" That was Liza Minnelli talking to the Wall Street Journal the other day.

The "hamburger" reference comes from something her mother told her, when Liza arrived home crying about ugly remarks being made about Judy....

"HEAR THE other side," advised ancient Roman law.

• WHY, OH, WHY? When young moviegoers get out of their third viewing of the booming hit The Avengers, what in the world do they have against going to see "Battleship"?

  
  This movie is named after a classic Hasbro naval combat...

"I WAS running around with no shirt long before anyone was taking pictures of me. And I'll keep running around with no shirt on long after."

That's Matthew McConaughey, one of the four hot leading men who'll take it all (mostly) off in this summer's male-stripper movie--Steven Soderbergh's "Magic Mike."

"I'M NOT gonna give advice to Romney. But a presidential candidate has a great responsibility to America to pick someone who is well fitted to the role. I think John McCain's selection of Sarah Palin is the single most irresponsible act of government I can remember."

So said LBJ biographer...