Parenting – Blog Brigade

How to Talk to Your Kids About World Tragedies

Posted by on September 26, 2016 at 07:00

Sep 262016

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Julie

Bubble wrap ‘em. I’ve wanted to bubble wrap my kids’ hearts, minds and skins on many occasions. That’s what all parents want (right?) — to protect our kids from the hurts, fears and tragedies in the world. I guess packaging them like precious porcelain doesn’t do much for making them resilient human beings even if the image gives us the false sense of keeping them safe. One of the greatest gifts we can give our kids is the knowledge of how to handle tragedies and difficulties in a healthy way. So how do we equip our kids with coping skills when we are still trying to figure that out as adults?

The American Academy of Pediatrics, or AAP, recommends parents and those who work with children act as filters before funneling information of national tragedies and crisis to children. They suggest we present the information in a way the child can understand, cope with and adjust to. Here are five ways to act as filter and guide as you help your children process what happened and build coping skills to see them through life.

1. Check your emotions. Your emotions speak louder than words.

When my kindergartener came home from school on 9/11 she started asking me about why airplanes were flying into buildings and people were jumping out of them. Already emotionally charged from having seen it on the news during my work breaks, I did my best to answer her questions as simply and factually as I could, but I know my emotions weren’t in check. That was confirmed when I asked my daughter (now 20) to remember that day. Mostly, she remembered how mad I was at her teacher for letting the class watch the news coverage. Yikes. Emotions have more hang time in memory.

2. Limit media exposure. Turn it off. Keep exposure to the images, commentary and media’s tragedy-branding theme songs to a minimum.

As adults, we tend to crave the information, and want to know the latest developments. But for our children, all that exposure to the raw images, media frenzy and regurgitation of information isn’t healthy — it forces them to focus on the fear of events instead of how to cope with them. If you do allow your children to watch some of the news coverage, watch it together and use it as a conversation starter. Talking about what happened, the fears the event creates or anything that worries your kids or you is a healthy way to cope with tragedy. Model it and they’ll join the discussion and learn with you.

3. Ask your kids. What did you hear? Do you have any questions? And actively listen to their answers.

Find out what they’ve heard and what their questions are so you know where to start with the information. This can help you find out what their fears are early on and can help you assess what they may need to know in order to help them learn to cope. School shootings were the tragedies that scared my kids the most. It’s something they understand as they go through lock-down drills in school multiple times every year. When you discover their fears, you may be able to help them reframe how they view things. Help them understand the lock-down drills are for safety, just like buckling seat belts. You practice it so when you need it, it’s already in place to keep you safe.

4. Answer their questions. Be direct and honest and stick to answering only what they ask.

There’s no need to overload kids with information. Provide them with the answers they need and ways to cope with the emotions. Let your main message to your children be that it’s OK to be upset by what happened, we’re going through this together and will help each other through it. This is also an opportunity to teach your kids about compassion and empathy. As they tell you how they feel, talk about how you all think others may feel. Take it a step further and discuss how you may be able to help the victims. What is something you can do together to help those suffering? Helping others is another way to cope with the darkness in the world…add in some light.

5. Support when needed. Be there for your children emotionally when they need it.

Model caring and compassion to your children and others, and your children will notice and repeat. After you help them or someone else, explain to your kids how you knew they needed support, what made you decide to act and what to do. Teach them what they can look for in others that will clue them in to someone who may need help. Kids are small, but their hearts and minds are mighty. Give them the power to look for ways and means to help others. Show your kids that being there for someone only takes small acts, but can mean the world to the person in need at that moment.

A little girl in my daughter’s preschool lost her dad during the attack on the USS Cole. Soon after that tragic loss, when my husband would pick up our daughter from preschool, the little girl would always come up to him. Maybe it was his haircut or uniform, but whatever the reason, she just wanted to tell him about her day and other times about her dad. He would take some time to listen and return a hug if she wanted one. Maybe it was her way of feeling close to her dad — a preschooler’s way of getting a message of love through. Whatever it was it seemed to put a smile on her face and helped her at that moment.

Join the conversation. Please share what things helped your kids process and cope with world tragedies.

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Avoiding Mealtime Battles With a Toddler

Posted by on September 19, 2016 at 07:00

Sep 192016

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Dani

Mealtime is a big deal in our house. Well, at least for my toddler. If he isn’t fed at 8 a.m., noon, and 5 p.m. on the dot, his world comes to an end. I’m not quite sure how such a tiny human can have this much emotion about food, but mine does. And every meal brings a new adventure in parenting. Will he finger paint with his ketchup? Will he feed his chicken nuggets to the dog? Is it a pancake or a waffle morning? Will he wear a milk mustache, or a yogurt beard? Or will he eat all of his food, even using his utensils, and then ask for seconds?

On this particular evening, it’s 5:26 p.m., post-daycare, and he’s already pretty angry that his dinner is late. Mind you, he’s just about two years old. Tonight I decided to get creative and make him breakfast quesadillas (so easy, just a one-egg omelet sandwiched between a sprinkle of cheddar cheese and flour tortillas on either side) with a side of mild salsa, a sippy cup of whole milk, and a veggie pouch to sneak in some extra greens. At this point I’m more excited about his meal than he is, and I proudly set it down on his high chair and exclaim, “It’s dinnertime, baby!”

He stares at his plate, then back at me. He sticks his finger in the salsa and swirls it around a bit, then looks at me with a half laugh, half smile. Next, he takes his whole hand and slaps the salsa, sending pieces of tomato all over the kitchen. He completely ignores the quesadillas and doesn’t even look at his veggie pouch. I already know what direction this meal is going in.

Fortunately, before I can feel completely defeated, I collect my cool and remember the following tips and tricks I’ve picked up during my tenure as a first-time mommy. Some ideas are from a toddler nutrition class I took when my son first started eating solid foods, others are from friends, and most I just learned along the way.

Eat with him. Like many adults I know, my toddler doesn’t like to eat alone. He prefers eating together, and I don’t blame him. He almost always eats better when we sit down at the table as a family. Some days this isn’t always possible (like pretty much every breakfast as we’re all scrambling to get out the door for work and daycare), but we make a point to at least time our dinners so that we can all eat together. Bonus points if everyone is eating the same food!

Be creative. Offer a healthy selection and variety of food. We try not to overload his plate with too many carbs or similar colors. In fact, don’t overload his plate, period! Smaller portions fare better with toddlers, and it’s good practice to start with less and let them ask for more. It also saves you the headache of throwing out good food that becomes inedible after taking a dunk in applesauce (or salsa). To get creative, serve food in different ways. For example, tonight my toddler wouldn’t eat his quesadilla in little triangles. Instead, I cut it up into smaller pieces and gave him a fork so he could stab it and dip it in his salsa. Winning!

Be patient. Staying positive is key when training our mini-mes to become good, healthy, confident eaters. Never associate mealtime with negative feelings, forcing your child to eat, or punishment. Even when I’m the one who wants to flip his plate upside down during a mealtime tantrum, I do my best to stay on point and gently coax him to “eat up, it’s yummy!” If he isn’t hungry, he isn’t hungry. It’s not the end of the world!

Listen to and look for his cues. Some days they’ll eat everything in sight, other days they won’t take a bite. The child nutrition class I attended explained that this is normal and expected. At this young age, the whole of what a toddler eats in a week is more important than what a toddler eats in a day. You know your child best, so watch his or her cues for when they’re telling you they are hungry or full. This is the ultimate mealtime tantrum saver.

Don’t give up. Don’t let one meal, several meals, or even a week’s worth of disappointing toddler meal times get you down. Toddlers can be fussy, fickle and are really just trying to figure this whole “eating” thing out. Keep trying new foods, keep your cool, and stay positive. Soon your little one will be tantrum-free and enjoying new foods and the wonderful family time that happens around the table!

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Get Ready for School Without Having a Nervous Breakdown

Posted by on August 12, 2016 at 13:50

Aug 122016

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Kelli

Each and every summer there comes a moment when I feel a cold hand of panic propelling me toward the school supply aisle at the store. Usually it’s when I glance at the date and realize school starts within a few hours! Panic sets in, and my kids and I desperately search for the exact folder described on their supply list. It’s usually NOT the ones filling the shelves for 15 cents a folder. When I had all six children in school you can imagine the stress, the cost and the wails of small children left with the dredges picked over by much more organized moms.

After a few years my children were required to “shop” around our home before we ever even ventured out to a store. Usually the folders for sale the previous year that were NOT on the list, would be the hot commodity the next year, and often found in a dark closet somewhere in my house.

This year however, I remembered about halfway through summer to check to see if there was anything I could do earlier rather than later to make the start of the school year a little less stressful. I have decided to be proactive and not have my children slide into the first day of school with pencil nubs and chewed up pink erasers. I figure the last two deserve something special since the first four have worn me out.

To my amazement and wonder the school supply lists were already online. I gleefully printed them off and told my boys I had the lists. I was so surprised when I was met with horrified looks and shocked gasps.

“What?! It’s the middle of summer, mom! Why are you even thinking of that?!” Both boys were appalled and ran from the room in shock — not the reaction I was expecting.

With technology driving the way we work, go to school, prepare for school and even grocery shop, it should be easier than ever to prepare for the changing of seasons and transitioning back to the rigors of a school schedule.

I’ve been able to fill out forms, update information and digitally sign what used to seem like reams of paper. There are still some things that must be done in person, like the sports physicals, but honestly I’m waiting for a “doc in the box” to scan the boys via the internet and a video connection. Until then, here are a few tips for making this year’s transition back to the school schedule a little less harrowing:

Check online to see what paperwork might be available to take care of now, rather than those first few days. You will be saving trees AND your writing hand from cramping.
Find out if the school supply list is available and tuck it in your purse or wallet. Sales are going on all the time, and purchasing a bit each pay day instead of all at once can really help your back-to-school budget.
Schedule sports physicals sooner rather than later. Those appointments get booked fast and there are never enough of them!
Check the district and school-specific calendar of events, and get those important dates locked onto your family calendar. It’s a little painful to see all that white space fill up, but it’s better than missing an important event or scrambling to shift things around and arriving stressed and flustered at the last minute.

I feel like it’s a marathon once that first day of school arrives. If you don’t have on your running shoes and water staged along the way, it can be much harder to make it through to the holiday break finish line. In the spirit of enjoying life with school-age children rather than enduring it with your hair on fire, prepare, take a deep breath and get ready to enjoy the upcoming back to school shenanigans!

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When Your Child Makes Bad Choices

Posted by on July 29, 2016 at 08:00

Jul 292016

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Kelli

Raising children is a contradictory ongoing life event. Our children have the ability to bring the greatest joy into our lives as well as some of the greatest sorrows. Not because they are terrible or horrid, but because the work of growing little people into responsible and kind citizens of the world is dirty messy work and glorious at the same time. There are often times there are no words to describe the feelings our children evoke in us. It is no wonder we have some of our most passionate reactions in life involving our children. Good and bad. It’s easy to discuss those beautiful joyful moments. It’s harder to talk about those moments when you feel that mix of mortification, humiliation and deep disappointment. What do we do with those feelings? Six kids, four grandchildren and more to come doesn’t make me an expert, or even confident that I know what I’m doing, but, it does give me some experience. Below are a few lessons we’ve learned along the way.

It’s not about you- All too often we as parents react out of embarrassment or humiliation instead of taking the time to breathe and look at all sides of a situation. We take our child’s behavior as a direct reflection on ourselves and our parenting skills. We unwittingly allow ourselves to worry how others perceive our worth as a parent. DON’T. It’s not helpful to let the opinions of others regarding how you should or should not correct your child influence how you parent. Setting our own feelings aside, we can more clearly focus on how we can help our child learn from the decisions they have made and make amends where possible.

Keep in mind the end goal- We have to be careful to block out the judging eyes and accusatory tones of those around us and the embarrassment we will inevitably feel at some point along the way. Many times we will have to acknowledge that yes, indeed, our pride and joy has made a terrible choice, one that as a parent we must address. If the end goal is raising our children to be good and kind, strong and self-sufficient, productive and successful then remember; some of the greatest life lessons that will have lasting influence on our children will come out of times they make poor choices. How we help them navigate through those experiences is more important than what others think.

Never assume you know the whole story- I wish, I WISH, I had taken this to heart so much earlier in my parenting career. Sometimes I was too harsh, unreasonably so, and other times I did not see the whole picture and did not stand the ground that needed to be stood. On one occasion one of my children brought a story home to me regarding a P.E. teacher and his disregard for my child’s safety. I was incensed, outraged even! I wrote a scathing letter and requested a meeting. I am after all my child’s advocate. It’s my job to protect her. My husband and I left that meeting still incensed and outraged. The target of our ire however was now my beautiful perfect child. In the parking lot of the school, barely containing my anger, I stood the ground that needed to be stood. I turned to this child and said, “Child, I love you more than I can express and I will fight dragons for you. I will go to the ends of the earth to be your champion, but you had better make sure YOU are not the dragon.”

Take time to talk and to listen- When stuff happens and people are pointing fingers at your child, or your child is pointing fingers at others, it is never a bad idea to disrupt the chaotic energy stirring up emotions by being still and quiet. Taking time to let emotions settle and to hear what is really going on will go much further than emotionally charged exchanges or decisions being made. Sometimes your child WILL get the short end of the stick. It happens. The short end of the stick is NOT the lesson to teach. It’s what we do with that experience that is the lesson. Those lessons are hard. A sense of justice might never be achieved. In those situations it’s important to model a healthy attitude and focus on what we have control over. There are other times when we need to fight the dragons for our child. Choose thoughtfully where you spend that energy.

Check your expectations- There are times when we overreact and expect more than our children are developmentally able to give. That doesn’t mean we don’t teach, correct or instruct them. It means that we understand a two year old is driven by two year old desires and a two year old view of the world. It doesn’t change when they are ten, twelve or even twenty. Change is constant and those changes often drive behavior. One day you are dealing with cutting teeth, potty training and separation anxiety causing melt downs then all of a sudden it’s body hair, driver’s education and dating. Make sure you are discerning which are easy to pull weeds in the garden of growing children and which weeds might need additional help to pull. Sometimes it’s hard to know the difference, but we live in a day and age when we have the ability to gather information very quickly. Parenting is a constant topic of interest; new parents are born every day! It will never be a bad idea to ask questions. Military OneSource has counselors available just for that!

Keep it simple-

Stop and breath – Take time to evaluate the situation before you form opinions or make decisions.

Listen and love – even if they did make a mistake, our kids need to be heard and know they are still loved regardless.

Make adjustments and stay strong – If you need to provide consequences stand by them and see them through.

Let them grow and overcome their bad choice- This is one of the most important things we can do for anyone, but especially our children.

You are not your child’s decisions and guess what? Neither are they! Keep that in mind when you are wondering what in the world they were thinking. They are precious, even when they remind you of a troll and letting go of the opinions of others frees you up to truly love them unconditionally.

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Sisterhood* of the Traveling Parents

Posted by on July 28, 2016 at 08:00

Jul 282016

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Julie

*Brotherhood of the traveling parents, too. I’m not trying to leave out the dads, just referring to sisterhood from personal experience.

Shrink your world and expand your village. That’s the Alice-from-Wonderland effect that military life can have on your childhood concepts of an enormous world and small network of friends. I grew up in the civilian world where my family stayed in the same house and went to the same schools. I always had family and friends around me for support and never considered that life would be any different than that. And then it was. I’ve got five tips to share that helped me find and form a sisterhood among the other PCSing parents and thrive in military life no matter where we lived.

Tip #1: Participate in events.

When we PCS’d to Sicily, Italy (leaving all the family and friends I’d known), I was nervous that I’d be completely alone when my husband deployed. That’s when I started to notice the magic of the military community. From the day we landed in Catania and met our Navy sponsor we began to form bonds with people in our new community. This trend continued through the indoctrination course that brought us up to speed on local customs, etiquette, conversational Italian with key phrases and hand gestures, as well as earning an Italian driver’s license.

We made a great connection with a group of people in that class when we went on a “get lost trip” to Syracuse, Sicily. The assignment put our group on an adventure where we had to dive into a culture and language we didn’t know, arrive to the city in one mode of transportation, find assigned items along the way and return home by a different form of transportation. We created great memories as we worked our way to and through Syracuse and back home. We must have been a sight with our halting and butchered Italian, wild gestures, animated facial expressions, but we managed to get directions, buy tickets, and tour the ruins in the city —oh and made good friends in the process.

Tip #2: Drop the labels.

The nature of friendships you make while in the military tend to be a bit different than in the civilian world. You make friends quickly in the military community…it’s almost like speed dating for friendship, because you only have two to three years in that one location. Don’t start out by labeling people and prejudging them. Get to know who they are. Continue to make many acquaintances while you get to know people a bit better. It won’t take long before you develop a close circle of support.

My village began to expand even more as we took advantage of opportunities to meet other people. We attended local festivals, on-base events (airshows, Morale, Welfare and Recreation sponsored family events and holiday celebrations), mom’s groups, and house parties with co-workers and neighbors in order to meet more people. The more people you meet, the more likely you are to find good friends. We all find ourselves labeling people from time to time. But, now’s the time to recognize it and stop labeling people. I would have missed some amazing friends had I put people in a box and moved on before getting to know them.

Tip #3: Nurture your friendships.

In both our duty stations of Sicily and Virginia Beach, the friends I made — a few different groups of moms (and their families) — became my sisters by choice. We stood by one another through pregnancies, adoptions, illnesses, deployments, births and deaths. We helped each other through the day-to-day difficulties of long deployments by helping each other with cleaning chores, yard work and making dinner for one another. Exploring landmarks and community novelties with the kids or planning girls’ night out were some of the ways we got each other out of the house and kept something special on the calendar to look forward to in between deployment mile markers.

These women were wonderful examples to me of the kind of mom I wanted to be and I took lessons from each of them. They also taught me a lot about how to be a good friend. Sometimes, when you’re struggling through a deployment, you don’t know what help you need. But caring friends pay attention to things like that and act when they notice something that needs to be done or when you need to chat.

Tip #4: Respect family time.

Military spouses understand that when the service member comes home from a deployment, the family forms a bit of a cocoon while they reintegrate and get used to being a family again. Always be understanding and respectful of that. Our job as friends is to support one another. Sometimes the best way to be a friend is to step back and give them space.

Not everyone cocoons. Some people prefer to be with friends to welcome home the deployed spouse. Whatever your friends prefer, be ready to support. During deployments I’d be in touch with some friends every day, some every week and others a few times a month. Remember to be flexible. Not everyone needs the same amount of support or attention.

Tip #5: Bloom where transplanted.

Going through large life transitions together (PCSing, learning a new culture and language by immersion, living through deployments, becoming parents, etc.), creates a lifelong bond of friendship. One of the great traits of military friends, and good friends in general, is that even after you move away, and even with years between visits, it’s like no time passed and you pick up your conversation right where it left off.

There’s a respect and an understanding between military friends where you know you both must bloom where you are transplanted. This means that with each move the initial focus has to be on expanding your village of support at the new location. You both do this while enjoying the friendships you’ve made over the years.

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Raising Kids and Dough From Home

Posted by on June 30, 2016 at 16:01

Jun 302016

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Julie

It takes two incomes to meet most families’ needs. When one parent deploys, the other has a long work commute and family lives too far away to help care for the children, some couples decide to find alternative work situations to manage the children and funds. Figuring out how to go from full-time employment outside the home to working from home while raising children is enough to twist your mind into knots. Determined milspouses can do anything they set their minds to, so if you want to find a way to work from home while raising your kids, it starts with some honest self-assessing, researching, planning and networking.

Assess your skills

I sat down and thought about what types of tasks I enjoyed doing and which I really hated. Then, I assessed my skills and qualifications to narrow down the types of work-from-home jobs that would suit me.

This step will be a bit easier for you if you use the online tools and information tailored to military spouse employment from Spouse Education and Career Opportunities, or SECO. This website has tools and information to help you explore your skills and passions while identifying careers that might work well for you. The SECO website also has information to help you with researching, planning and networking — all steps covered from beginning to end.

Research your work options

I started researching a few career possibilities like telemarketing, sales, child care provider, and medical billing, coding and transcription (but there are plenty more fields to consider). After learning more about each of those fields and their required certifications, equipment, education and experience, combined with my limited time and funding for making this transition work, I narrowed down my list to medical transcription.

Make sure you are thorough in your research. Find out if you need a business license, child care provider license or if there are other regulations you need to adhere to. Learn how your new venture will affect your taxes. (If you are self-employed, do you need to pay your income tax quarterly to avoid penalties? What qualifies as a tax deduction for a home business: mileage, utilities, home office space, education, and equipment?) Don’t be afraid to reach out to someone currently in the profession you are interested in pursuing. They may be able to help you save some money and time since they’ve already been where you’re headed. I asked a medical transcriptionist if she had any recommendations for places to purchase the equipment. Her recommendation led me to find my equipment at half price.

Research your expenses and child care

There are three other important factors to research:

Your household expenses —Are you able to cut expenses to save money? This may allow you to look for part-time work instead of full time or to take a slightly lower salary to get you started.
Your work/parent schedule — You’ll need to have a planned schedule of the pockets of time you can work and when you can actively be mom — and the kids well supervised during both times. Try working before the kids get up, during naps and after they are in bed. If you need more work time than that, set them up to color or do a craft near your workstation so you can supervise them while being productive.
Your plan for day care — Even if your reason for working from home is to be able to raise your children, you are still working and kids don’t always stick to their schedules. Create a backup plan for the days the kids won’t allow you to work. Consider registering your littles for preschool for a few hours in the morning, hiring a local teen to babysit them after school, or finding another parent in the same situation and swapping babysitting duties so you both have uninterrupted work time.

Plan your next steps

After researching my options for medical transcription programs, certifications needed, course pricing and financial aid possibilities I started to make a plan. I attended medical transcription course classes at the local adult learning center a couple of nights a week for about a year while still working full time.

Remember to include the job search process in your plan, as it can sometimes take a while before you can go full time with the at-home position. Look for companies that cater to mobile careers and military spouses. The Military Spouse Employment Partnership, or MSEP, is a great resource for finding companies committed to hiring military spouses, and some of them offer remote work.

Network

Making an effort to get to know your classmates, instructors, professors and professionals in your chosen field can be the difference between a long job search and a short one. I was able to find a subcontracting position as soon as I completed the medical transcription program through networking. A fellow student connected me with a contractor, and my instructor provided a reference letter.

Network with friends, at PTA functions, on the sidelines at your kids sporting event, with other military spouses and everywhere you go. Let people know what you are working toward, because you never know who might have the connection you are seeking.

Seize the moments and make it happen

I was due to deliver my second child in three months when I completed the medical transcription program and landed my subcontracting job. I continued to work full time at my day job and worked part time from home, doing transcription work at night up until my son was born. I took a couple of weeks off to recover and started working transcription from home, full time at that point.

Working from home while raising children can be challenging, but I found the rewards to be worth the work. It taught me to seize the small moments in life and work them for all they’re worth, whether that means being productive on the job while your little one naps nearby or being completely zoned in to playing with your children when they are awake. There’s a lot of shifting gears and swapping hats in this combined role, but you’re a milspouse and you’ve already been doing that. If working from home is the life you want, seize it and make it happen.

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Moving With Teenagers: It’s a Whole New Experience!

Posted by on June 28, 2016 at 21:28

Jun 282016

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Kelli

Before you say “been there done that” regarding a PCS move, note that all moves are not created equal. Each time you move, your family is a little older, a little more involved in your community and sometimes a little bigger. If you’re moving with teenagers, strap in; it’s a whole new experience!

Moving with small children was a challenge. It was more exhausting than I realized. As our family grew and we added babies and dogs, the logistics of a move became overwhelming at times. Now that my children are all into the preteen, teenager and “they think they are grownups” stages, I look back fondly on those early moves as being a piece of cake. What I didn’t take into account was TEENAGERS and all their emotions, feelings and independent thinking. How dare they start to grow up and become their own person! Throw out everything you think you know about moving when it comes to moving with teens.

I’m not sure when the shift happens, and it’s different with each child. But when it does and they suddenly become aware of what moving means on deeper levels, you have your work cut out for you. When the kids were little, we could say we’re moving, and you get a new house and a new room! We focused on the journey and all the fun things we would do in our new location. It was an exciting adventure for all.

Teenagers will not swallow that spoonful of sugar so easily. They are egocentric to begin with, it’s just the nature of being a teen; add to that a change in their whole world, and you could possibly have a melted pool of emotions at your feet bemoaning their fate. Preparation for a move takes on a whole new meaning.

In their defense, the teen years are fraught with emotions, hormones, weekly self-esteem crises and the ever-evolving social circle. It’s more like a social amoeba oozing through middle and high schools organizing and reorganizing best friends and social groups.

In parents’ defense, we really never know how our teen is going to react, so really I don’t know that there is any true preparation. It’s more like damage control after you announce the impending orders.

I have one son who was ready to move, or so he thought. He was relatively easygoing through the whole process — even helpful! I was shocked. He and I were the last to leave our duty station heading to our new home. Our family is so large we left in three shifts. You could say he and I were the rear detachment — finishing up the last few things like the packers and movers, cleaning the house, turning in the storage keys and being the last to kiss the town goodbye. Fast forward six months, and it dawns on this man child that he desperately needs to go back and live with someone there. I’ll give you 10 days to visit son-shine, but that won’t happen! His adjustment was a bit rocky and hard to watch. No one wants to see their children hurting, sad or feeling friendless. After about 18 months, he began settling in, finding his niche. Yes, I said EIGHTEEN MONTHS. (This is where you should feel sorry for me.)

On another move, one daughter literally melted onto the floor sobbing when her dad came home and announced orders. “I’m going to die!” “I’ll never make new friends!” “How will I go on?!”

Once we got Princess Dramatic up off the floor, the discussions began. They turned into negotiations of potential visits to ease the pain of leaving and then threats of finding a tower to put her in if she didn’t pull herself together. She not only made new friends, rather quickly I might add, but has yet to go back and visit. Life took over and she quickly adjusted. Who knew?

Here is my advice for moving with teenagers:

Education

For us this was a big one. I recommend you find a Military School Liaison Officer. NOW. Even if you are moving from one military community to another, you still need to know who to go to if the need arises. You’d be surprised at the “needs that arise.” If you have high school-age students, the officer can be instrumental in helping you navigate the required graduation credits from one state to another.

Emotions

All of a sudden these tiny children, who you could tell what to wear and lead by your example on how to feel about all of it, are suddenly independent and HAVE THEIR OWN IDEAS AND FEELINGS about the move. It can be exhausting. However, it’s so important you acknowledge their feelings and validate them. They have a right to feel the way they feel. It is also important you not get sucked into their feelings, but keep an eye on the big picture and help them navigate those emotions. Think of it as a chance to help them develop coping skills that will stay with them long after life with you and the military is behind them.

Social

Making new friends is not easy for everyone. I have some children who dive in and come home with a new best friend within the first week. I have others who have struggled to find their place. I wish I could tell you how to help manage that process, but I can’t. All you can do is be a soft place for them to land as they navigate the waters of teenage society, and guide them along the way.

These wonderful, difficult, fabulous children are blossoming before our very eyes into incredible adults. We are instrumental in that growth and development, and our role does not take a sabbatical during a move. Do your homework, use the resources provided to you through the installations and Military OneSource to be more fully prepared to help them through the adjustments that come with a move.

Most of all, look forward yourself with a glass-half-full attitude. If you do, you’ve already laid the ground work for an incredible new adventure for you and your family.

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5 Tips for Raising Your Kids Without Losing Yourself

Posted by on June 16, 2016 at 14:35

Jun 162016

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Julie

If your morning shuffle makes you look like a zombie actor’s stunt double and your brain is so foggy you put the milk in the pantry and the cereal in the fridge, you might be a new parent. Parenting takes a lot out of you, and the transition into parenthood is tough physically and mentally. Becoming the stay-at-home parent adds another level of transition into the mix, even more so if your partner is on active duty and deploying.

While that may sound, and occasionally look apocalyptic, it is very doable and one of the toughest and most rewarding jobs I’ve ever done. But how do you go through this full-time parenting gig without losing yourself along the way? I’ve got five tips to help you get through the zombie zone and into that sweet spot of family life.

Nurture yourself first, so you’ll have something to give to your family. Schedule some of what makes you happy into every day or at least once a week. Whatever your passion (music lessons, art, crafting, golf, reading, cooking, pursing an education, etc.), you need to actively pursue it. Schedule it when you can — during naps, after kids are in bed, get a sitter or wait until your partner is home to tag-team kid duties — but find time for you.

Kids make life richer; they aren’t an excuse to stop doing the things you love. It took me years to earn my degree, but I continued to attend college as a young parent because it fed my soul. When we were stationed in Sicily, I was able to work part-time for MWR to earn enough money for a babysitter on the nights I had class (when hubby was deployed or on duty). I applied for scholarships and took college classes on base.

Live in the moment so you don’t multitask your life away. It is easy to get caught up in the day-to-day juggling of feeding, changing diapers, slaying the laundry monster, and the rest of your to-do list. Actively engage in what you are doing, and you’ll find yourself completing tasks instead of spinning your wheels on 10 different things. When you are feeding the baby, relax and enjoy the interaction and closeness, because this time won’t last very long. When you are deliberate with your actions you get more done and appreciate life a bit more.

Adjust your priorities. It’s OK to let the house go a little and focus on the basics. Rest, food, bathe, oh — and breathe. Breathing is good.

Schedule your day so you can be spontaneous. I know that sounds counterintuitive, but trust me on this. Once you establish a schedule that works for you and your baby (or children), you will know your windows of active time and naptime and can take advantage of them. You need to get out of the house — sometimes to preserve your own sanity and other times to do the necessary shopping. Schedules help you do that and keep the kids happier.

When we were stationed at NAS Sigonella in Sicily, I stayed cooped up in the apartment for a while until I figured out that planning outings around my infant’s schedule made both our days better. Sometimes I planned for her to nap on the bus or in the car. Other days I found a quiet place for her to nap in the stroller, and we still had plenty of days where she napped in her crib. Manipulating the place of the feeding or nap, while sticking to the schedule, gave me newfound freedom to get things done or go to an impromptu lunch with friends.

Wear your clothes, so you can connect with adults. I know that sounds silly to say, but if you are in the trenches, you know there will be days when you feel like managing to get a shower is an award-winning accomplishment. Pajamas or sweats are easier to roll with, but you still need to put yourself together so you won’t be in hermit mode every day. Once you’re dressed, with shoes on, you’ll find you are more productive and more sociable.

You have options in your day if you are dressed at the beginning of it. You can find and build a support network of friends that are in the same situation as you. Our second home in Sicily was farther away from base, so to find other moms I got involved with the local playgroup. We explored our little town of Santa Maria La Stella, went site seeing, hosted lunch play dates and watched each other’s kids when needed. That did my soul good and wore out my toddler so she napped like a champ, which in turn left me with a bit more me time.

Date your partner. Between parenting, housework, career and the other activities of your life, it is easy to let exhaustion be an excuse to push off date night. Don’t let that happen. It’s important to reconnect with your partner daily and to have a regular date night each week. You don’t always have to go out of the house, but you do need to have regular time together and away from the kids.

You can have fabulous date nights on a budget. Check out your local Morale, Welfare and Recreation center for inexpensive and adventurous date ideas. Remember, your base usually has discount movies and you’ll find military discounts on different tickets at your ITT office. Be creative and surprise each other. Caring for one another as partners will make your parenting teamwork easier and more natural.

All parents go through this zombie stage. Pull yourself out of it with help from those who have been there. The friends I made while parenting my young children hold a special place in my heart. Those mothers helped me find myself when my zombie days blurred into one another. They reminded me that the best parts of life begin in parenthood. You have unique talents, knowledge, experiences and dreams you need to continue to nurture, because that is the well you draw from when you raise your children, solve problems and care for your family.

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The 21-Day Challenge: Technology-Free Family Time Part 3

Posted by on May 27, 2016 at 11:06

May 272016

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Kelli

Being consistent with technology-free family time is a challenge. Everywhere we turn, we are attached to some sort of technology. Breaking that bond, even for a short period of time, isn’t easy to begin with, but once you do, watch out. Also, be careful what you ask for, or should I say parents be PREPARED for what you ask for. Can you handle technology-free family time?

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The 21-Day Challenge: Technology-Free Family Time Part 2

Posted by on May 13, 2016 at 09:56

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Blog Brigade 21-Day Challenge

Kelli

I’m contemplating how I’m going to define success in this 21-Day Technology-Free Family-Time challenge, because right now I feel like I’m I the middle of a deployment when the days are long and the nights are longer. I wonder why my family can’t figure out how important this is. It’s always darkest before the dawn, and I’ve been through enough early morning anxiety attacks to have a small sliver of faith that, in the end, these last few days will have been worth the experience.

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