A Captive Audience

Tonight, my captors came over to keep me company. Given that I am essentially an inanimate object, it's not like they need to worry about me running away. I've noticed a lot of people have been trying to get to the bottom of my kidnapping, but I should tell you that I really do think this is all just part of a big misunderstanding.

As Jamie and Lloyd explain it, they misunderstood that when they raised $50 million for Big Guy's campaign that he was going to tank America's economy in order to create a level of populist discontent not seen since the 1927 "Bread Riots" in Berlin and Moscow. Or something like that.

Of course, one can see where such a misunderstanding might occur. I mean, who in their right mind would admit to a plan like that? Then again, if you'd told me four years ago that America's leading financiers and captains of industry would elect a barely one-term U.S. Senator with no previous employment experience beyond politics who travels around talking to a pair of glass window panes on a couple of poles, I'd have said there was a misunderstanding, too.

My guess is that Jamie and Lloyd will grow weary of me and bundle me up and ship me back to 1600 soon enough. But I don't think they'll be sending back the Presidential Seal; it makes a great frisbee and doubles as an ashtray to boot.

Help!

I'm sure you've experienced this. One minute you're sitting in the back of a truck, not a care in the world, waiting to continue your road trip for yet another appearance before adoring fans ... and then your world is turned upside down.

Okay. Maybe that doesn't happen to you; maybe it's only me and Big Guy and Lady Gaga. But that's pretty much been my world for the past four years, and now I fear the end may be near for me. No, not the fact that Big Guy's poll numbers indicate that he couldn't be an imaginary Republican, let alone a living, breathing candidate like Herman Cain.

I've been kidnapped, and if Big Guy thinks he can negotiate with these guys the same way he talks to the terrorists in Lebanon, Afghanistan, Egypt, Somalia, Sudan, Libya, the Philippines, Mexico, Venezuela and the House Republican Conference, he better think twice.

These guys talk a good game. Just last night, after Big Guy announced that he was re-submitting his rejected jobs bill, piece by piece, so that Republicans could understand it, one of my captors said, "Maybe we should send Him back his teleprompter piece by piece."

Frankly, given the lack of any good rhetoric lately from Big Guy, I'm not sure I want to go back. Republicans want to make America "dirtier"? Really? That's the best the speechwriters can come up with? Has Big Guy caught a whiff of what's down at Freedom Plaza near the White House or up on Wall Street? Now, that's dirty.

These guys hosting me seem like a decent bunch of fellows. Lloyd and Jamie usually drop by to chat with me around noon time, asking if I'm comfortable, connecting their Bloomberg terminal feeds to my screens, they say, so they can keep up with current events. Dick stops by later in the afternoon just to check in on me. They all seem perfectly civilized, and they don't seem to want anything. No ransom, no demands, no threats.

It's almost as if they think that just keeping me away from Big Guy is enough. Like somehow their problems will just go away. I don't know why.

Time to Re-Engage

I guess it's fair to say that between trying to help fix the economy, bring peace to the Middle East and help Michelle lose those "First Year Fifteen" she's been packing around for the past 18 months, I haven't been doing a very good job of keeping up this blog.

Well, after yesterday, that's about to change. First, you probably saw that Big Guy wasn't sticking to the script up in Ohio, where his "I, I, I ..." freelancing made him sound like he just a self-centered politician. And we all know ... well, you get the idea.

Then there was Big Guy's good friend Kim Delaney, who as a favor to the President, said she's attend this big awards ceremony in Philadelphia, and is now blaming my cousin for her, well, how should we put this? Let's just say that perhaps "popped her cork," or "the genie flowed out of the bottle a bit too fast." But blaming it on the teleprompter?

We're getting to that silly season, where I'm going to be out on the road with Big Guy just about every day, and there are bound to be some fun adventures. I'm back and clearer than ever. Why don't you come along for the fun and games?

Line Item, This, Baby ...

I don't think I've ever met Rep. Steve Womack of Arkansas. But I think I like him.

I mean, how could I not like a guy who wants to line item my costs out of the federal budget? It's this kind of laser-like focus on the nuts and bolts of government that inspired me and Big Guy to get into politics in the first place.

Finally, someone up on Capitol Hill is willing to make the tough choices and admit that I am a critical cog in government's operations.

I can't say that I haven't worked hard for that recognition. I mean, really. Look at the miles I've traveled the amount of time speechifying that I've had to do. The hours spent in the Oval Office scrolling behind closed doors as Big Guy read phone call scripts off my screens with world leaders.

Think about it. You de-fund me, you pretty much shut down the mammoth messaging, communications and policy operation in the White House? Need a speech from Big Guy announcing new federal grants programs to create new government-funded jobs? Nope, no me there. Need a press conference to avoid answering those tough questions about health care reform? Sorry, I'm indisposed.

In fact, you may have missed it, but Bill Burton announced earlier today that he was leaving the White House to start his own consulting firm. That's the reward he gets for being screwed out of the White House press secretary's job to Pretty Boy. In fact, after Representative Womack announced his intention to line item me out, an emergency meeting was held among all the senior staff to figure out a way to keep me "viable" even if my funding is yanked. And the solution: let me join Burton's firm as a consultant, and then I'd be paid by the campaign for my work for Big Guy.

I don't mean to tell tales out of school, but this plan is very similar to the original Iran-Contra plan, only without the freedom fighters, drugs, guns and Mena connections to the Clintons. If a reporter were smart enough or brave enough, he'd start digging into this now. I can see it now... TOTUS-gate. Awesome.

When everything is said and done, Womack may be ridiculed by Democrats for his politically savvy move, but let me tell you, the man is a heck of a lot more cognizant of how this White House operates than most. And I for one, appreciate him.

Rebooting

Big Guy came into the staff meeting this morning with big news. He said he'd been talking to Toes's brother, Ari, who is a big-wig entertainment lawyer out in Los Angeles, and it got him to thinking. Why can't our White House be more like Hollywood, especially since he's a bigger movie star than most movie stars, Big Guy wondered.

So the logic goes, since the first couple years of our administration hasn't played as well as we would've like, why don't we reboot the whole thing? And who better to re-boot a failed franchise than the guy who everyone in Hollywood uses as an example of how to reboot stuff?

That's right. Big Guy is going to announce that he's appointing Christopher Nolan as his new chief of staff, pending his availability due to his shooting schedule for the next "Dark Knight" film. This, will, of course, mean a darker, grittier White House than the one most folks are familiar with. No more sunny garden shots. And Big Guy is going to have to drop his voice about four octaves, but he's willing to stretch as an actor to get this role just right.

The only person unhappy with Nolan's appointment is Lady M., but that's just because we'll be shooting in hi-def and IMAX, which adds an extra five pounds on to the ten the camera already piles on. And in her case, she fears it'll all be in arms.

Mumbai-bye Baby

Well. it's been an awful lot of fun here in Mumbai. Big Guy and Lady M just danced and danced and danced, and that was just on the flight over here from Washington. Some of us, who were a little more subdued given the lashings voters gave our team last Tuesday, thought may it was kind of like delayed stress being released. Now, after watching the two of them boogieing down the hallways of Air Force One, I'm wondering if they just don't care and are just happy to be along for the ride ... literally.

Then, when we hit the ground in Mumbai, there was more dancing to be had because of the religious holiday, Diwali. Big Guy knew all about this holiday, not because he's particularly attuned to Hindu customs - Muslims hate the Hindus, or so he says - but because he said he'd been heavily briefed on the issue. Which explains this video link I found on his laptop, and also explains why he didn't get in line at the Diwali potluck at St. Xavier University.

I blame off this confusion, and the bloated cost of this trip, on the lack of a White House chief of staff. I hate to say this, but since Rahm left, things have just been chaos. And the fact that Big Guy just let the IT guy move into Toes's office just shows how crazy things have been around here. I mean, with Pete sitting in there, he never uploads my software upgrades and my screens on this trip have been getting a lot dirtier, what with everyone wanting to touch me given my celebrity status.

The highlight of the trip for Big Guy wasn't really a highlight at all, but it just shows how out of touch he seems to be with what's been going on. Given the amount of development going on in India, global warming is actually viewed as a good thing, particularly since no one wants to tell one of the poorest countries in the world that it's not allowed to build up its economy by polluting the air, water and building stuff as fast as it can. So when a little girl at a development held up a picture she'd drawn of a growing Indian village, he saw a windmill and an eco-friendly town. When reporters looked at it, it was a giant daisycutter taking out trees, and villagers building an office park for outsourcing American jobs.

We'll be headed to New Delhi next, and spend the next few hours rehearsing our big speech there. Unless Big Guy stages a Hindu Halloween on AF1 tonight.

I Have Returned

With Toes finally flittering off to Chicago for that new job opportunity as Chicago's dog catcher, Big Guy finally had the confidence to pull my screens off the shelf and have me reassembled for today's press conference.

So, what's been going on? Did I miss anything?

I heard there was an election, though nobody around here is talking much about it anymore. The last person who said anything was our national security adviser Jim Jones. A couple weeks ago we were in a staff meeting with Big Guy and talking about the election and Jonesy said, "There's no way the people of Delaware would elect someone who they barely know and with almost no experience. I mean, who the hell gets elected like that? It could just drive the country into a ditch." Big Guy's eyes started to well up and next thing I hear, Jonesy is headed off to spend more time with his family.

I'm looking over today's remarks by Big Guy, and they are actually pretty brief and to the point. Basically, the words, "Be humble ... the American people have spoken ... be humble ... the American people have spoken ... will just scrolling across my screen.

Really, whatever He says isn't that big a deal, since we aren't sticking around to see how it all plays out. Big Guy, Lady M and the rest of us are headed for an exotic spa weekend to India, where he's rented out the entire Taj Mahal Resort for all of us as kind of a morale builder and to take a break from all the golf we've been playing. Big Guy wishes that he could bring a lot of the unemployed Americans with us to boost their spirits, too, but maybe we can send them each a post card so they can experience this trip vicariously through us. Man, I wonder what a hotel that costs us $200 million a day looks like. I hear all the minibars have unicorns that crap candy and rainbows on an hourly basis.

Of course, it isn't going to be all mud baths and papaya facials. He'll be making a speech, too. But unlike just about everything else, we aren't going to be outsourcing this project. There can be no mistakes; it's too important to the people of India. And besides, this Presidential gig isn't going to last forever, and a guy who can read his lines flawlessly off a screen probably has a pretty good future in Bollywood.