Maintaining a Strong Relationship Through Deployments and Separations

Successful relationships take plenty of work from both spouses. This is especially true when one of you is in the service. Frequent moves, deployments, and other stress factors can strain even the strongest relationship. However, there are ways you and your spouse can nurture your partnership through the ups and downs of a military career and help keep it healthy and strong for years to come.

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Planning ahead for when you are apart

Being separated from your spouse during a deployment or assignment is difficult for both of you. The spouse remaining at home is suddenly responsible for managing the household, and if there are children, doing the work of both parents. The spouse who is away may feel he or she is missing out on important events at home, and may regret not being with the family to help keep things running smoothly. One or both spouses may feel overwhelmed, worried, or concerned. These feelings are natural.

If you and your spouse prepare for the emotions and concerns that will arise while you are apart, you will better weather your separation and may even find that your relationship becomes stronger.

• Before your spouse leaves, sit down together to discuss your upcoming separation and how it makes you feel.
• Create a family plan outlining how each of you will manage during your time apart. It's important to be flexible about your roles since the at-home spouse may be handling chores that have always been the other spouse's responsibility.
• Talk about emergencies and whom to turn to in the event of an emergency.
• Discuss responsibilities and staying connected as a family. Work out with your spouse how parenting issues will be resolved, including discipline, illness, and matters involving school performance. Plan ways to help the parent who is away stay connected with children -- and vice versa. You might tape record dad reading a bedtime story for your child to listen to at night while dad is away, for example. Agree to keep a journal or blog and take pictures and videos of your child's milestones so that the spouse who is away doesn't miss out on these cherished family times.
• Talk about finances. This will help you avoid misunderstandings or disagreements about money. Designate one spouse to manage the household expenses. Consider keeping two checking accounts, one for each of you, to avoid confusion. Keep one another informed of large expenditures.
• Discuss how you will stay in touch. It's comforting to know beforehand how often you will be in contact. This also helps you to factor the cost of telephone calls into your budget. Discuss ways you will communicate with one another and how frequently you will be in touch. Explore options that may be available to the service member, such as email, video teleconferencing (VTC), phone calls, or regular mail.
• Keep in mind that service members may not know in advance how often they will be able to be in touch, or by what means. Discuss this before the deployment so you'll worry less during periods when communication is limited by factors neither of you can control. Learn about the options available for sending and receiving care packages as well. Remember that it's very important to discuss how the at-home spouse can get a message to the deployed service member in the event of an emergency at home.
• Discuss whom the at-home spouse can rely on for help and support -- for everything from emergencies to child care to emotional support. This network may include friends, family, military spouses, and military counseling and support services.
• Keep busy and stay active if you are the at-home spouse. Consider taking a class or pursuing a career interest or activity that gives you an identity outside of being a military spouse. The more fulfilled you feel, the better you will handle separations and difficult times, and the more you will enjoy your marriage.

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Trusting one another while apart

Mutual trust is fundamental to a loving relationship. You will trust one another more deeply and fully while you are apart if you work at establishing a trusting relationship while you're together. You may feel uneasy being away from one another and worry that the other is being unfaithful or acting in ways you would disapprove of. Here are some ways to maintain trust while apart:

• Respect one another. Talk with your spouse about what respect means to each of you. In what ways does your spouse make you feel respected? What makes your spouse feel respected? Talking about these issues and about how the other person feels will help you better understand one another. Provide specific examples of ways that he or she has made you feel respected and supported.
• Be honest. Sidestepping questions or being less than truthful to your spouse is likely to raise suspicions. Demonstrate how important honesty is to you by always being forthcoming yourself. Tell your spouse about your friends and how you are spending your time while he or she is away.
• Remind your spouse of your love. Don't take your spouse for granted. Tell your spouse about those qualities you admire in him or her. This will help your spouse feel more secure -- and trusting -- in your relationship. If expressing these kinds of feelings is difficult for you, you might do so in a letter. Or look for a card that conveys what you want to say.
• Look at your own behavior. Are you spending lots of time with members of the opposite sex? Do you go to nightclubs and bars? Ask yourself if you would engage in these activities if your spouse were not deployed. What needs are you trying to meet through these behaviors? Even if your actions are innocent, your spouse may suspect that you are being unfaithful.
• Discuss your concerns with one another. If mistrust is causing anxiety for you or your spouse, talk honestly with each other about your feelings.

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Communicating with one another

Open and frequent communication will keep your relationship strong. Of course, communication isn't always easy when one of you is away. The following tips will keep communication lines open and reinforce your love for one another:

• Share daily happenings from home. When writing, emailing, or talking on the telephone, describe the events of your day even if they seem boring to you. Hearing about your life will help your spouse feel closer to you.
• Be honest about your feelings. Let your spouse know how much you miss him or her, but try to do this in a way that reassures your spouse that you are handling things well despite his or her absence. Talk about feelings of frustration you may have, such as not being able to control where your family goes or when you will next be together as a family.
• Try to keep letters or emails positive. If you write about something unpleasant, let your spouse know how you dealt with the situation. Otherwise he or she may feel helpless to support you from so many miles away.
• Express yourself clearly. If your letter or email is vague, your spouse may be confused and wonder what it is you're not saying.
• Acknowledge that you may change when you are apart. The spouse at home may become more self-reliant. The service member may discover inner resources that had been hidden to him or her. These are positive changes that will probably add to your relationship. Reassure one another that regardless of any changes to you individually, your marriage will stay as strong as ever.
• Send care packages. Your spouse will be happy to receive care packages in the mail. Include items that have special meaning to the two of you. If you have children, ask them to draw pictures or write notes to tuck into the package. Consider sending an audio or video recording of you and your family if your spouse is likely to be able to listen to or view them.
• Be realistic about communication. There may be times when the service member is unreachable. Or there may be times when a service member calls home and is disappointed to get the answering machine. Remember that communication will not always go as smoothly as you hope.

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Tips for couples who are newly married

Rough spots are inevitable in any new marriage as couples learn to share their lives with one another. Having one spouse in the service, especially if he or she is deployed or away on assignment, may present an additional and significant challenge to a new marriage.

• Be realistic. No marriage is perfect. Expect that there will be rocky times in your relationship. These are normal and will pass with time.
• Try not to feel neglected. As a new spouse of a service member, you may feel that you are always coming in second to Uncle Sam. If you feel you are being pushed aside by your spouse's duties, talk it over with someone you trust. Talking to other military spouses can help you learn about ways others have coped and worked through these feelings successfully.
• Learn from your arguments. Arguments are bound to happen between newly married couples, especially when life gets stressful. When you have a difference of opinion, try to see your spouse's point of view. Ask that he or she do the same for you. Putting yourselves in each other's shoes will bring you closer.
• Talk about your marriage. Talk about what it means to be a husband and a wife. You may find you have different expectations or ideas about what these roles entail. Since you both come from different families, it's natural for you to have different ideas about what to expect. Getting your thoughts out into the open will help you figure out how to create a partnership that works best for you.
• Find a support network. If you are newly married, chances are you are also living in a new area. If so, find an activity, job, or volunteer opportunity where you'll meet people. There are clubs and organizations for spouses, online support groups, and support groups that meet in person. If you live on or near a military installation, consider using one of the many support services available to you.
• Remember why you got married in the first place. When things get rough, think about the qualities that first attracted you to your spouse. Look at what works and is positive in your relationship, and focus on these things to help you through the rough times.

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Finding ways to stay close

Staying close as a couple is a challenge during separations and when you are hundreds or thousands of miles apart. Here are some ways to help you feel closer:

• Read a book together. Choose a book that you and your spouse will both enjoy and send him or her a copy. Update one another on your progress and share your thoughts and opinions in letters and emails or phone calls.
• Record your thoughts and experiences in an online blog or journal. Include pictures for your spouse to access over the Internet. If you have children, have them contribute their pictures or thoughts.
• Learn about your spouse's job and other interests. Read up on your spouse's job, hobbies, interests, or military division. Learning what your spouse's life is like will help you better understand his or her experiences while you are apart.
• Record a CD with songs that remind you of your spouse. Make copies for each of you.
• Send handmade coupons. These should be redeemable upon your spouse's return home. Your coupons might be for special activities, such as dinner at your spouse's favorite restaurant, a movie and popcorn, or an hour-long back rub.

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If the stress becomes too much

Whether or not one spouse is deployed, military life can put pressure on a marriage. Frequent moves can be disruptive to family life. Being away from extended family may bring feelings of loneliness. Fears for a spouse's safety may bring extra stress. If you are having trouble coping or are starting to feel overwhelmed, you may benefit from speaking with a professional counselor.

Each branch of the military has its own spouse and family support organizations where you can turn for practical and emotional support. Additionally, installations have chaplains available for support and assistance. Most also have counseling services as well as on-site support groups where you can meet others who share your circumstances. You can also seek assistance through Military OneSource, online at www.militaryonesource.mil or by phone at 1-800-342-9647.

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Resources

Military Postal Service Agency

hqdainet.army.mil/mpsa/mid.htm

This agency handles all military mail. The site provides instructions for packages and letters.

United Through Reading

www.unitedthroughreading.org/military

This program helps military parents record DVDs for their children.

U.S. Post Office

https://www.usps.com/ship/apo-fpo-guidelines.htm 

Find more information on sending packages and letters to deployed service members.

Your military support services

Each service branch sponsors information and support programs for service members and their families. You can call or visit any installation Army Community Service Center, Marine Corps Community Services, Fleet and Family Support Center, or Airman and Family Readiness Center regardless of your branch affiliation.

If you aren't near an installation, National Guard Family Assistance Centers are available in every state. The Local Community Resource Finder on the National Guard Family Program at www.jointservicessupport.org will identify your closest center.

Military OneSource

This free 24-hour service is available to all active duty, Guard, and Reserve members (regardless of activation status) and their families. Online discussion boards can help you get in touch with other military spouses. Consultants provide information and make referrals on a wide range of issues, including keeping your relationship strong. Free face-to-face counseling sessions (and their equivalent by phone or online) are also available. Call 1-800-342-9647 or go to www.militaryonesource.mil to learn more.

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